Prolific philosopher, highly respected cinema thespian, skilled bikini car washer and gringa chola leader Megan Fox, seen here having a brain queef while wondering if her hero Nietzsche drank Miller Lite or Rolling Rock back in the day, might be carrying the spawn of David Silver (real-life born name: Brian Austin Green) in the only part of her body that hasn't been completely Botoxed: her uterus!
Some source close to the couple (aren't they always a source close to the couple) has sent a shiver up the spine of humanity by saying that in just a few months, a real human baby will look up at Megan's vacuum sealed face and say "I'm" before looking at the face of David Silver and saying "fucked!" The source says that Megan barely has a bubble of a fetus in her body, but she's already told a few people and now the source is telling the world through Star Magazine:
"They just found out and are incredibly excited. It's still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members. She has really grown in the past couple of years. Megan used to only be concerned with her career, but now family comes first."
In all seriousness, Megan Fox is a stepmom to BAG's son with Vanessa Marcil, Kassius, and as far as I know that boy has never run to CPS to cry about how she's beating his brain by dropping her words of wisdom into his ear before bedtime, so I'm sure she'll be a wonderful mother to little Nietzsche Jr. Silver Fox. Besides this is good news, because Megan needs to be reminded about what her original face looked like. Two toe thumbs up to that!
After January Jones' baby Xavier Dane came out of her coochie in a block of ice and she chiseled him out, her frozen placenta slid out on a plate of dry ice. Just like all bitches (and some human moms) do, January decided to eat her placenta. But instead of turning it into a placenta bear to terrorize her baby forever or blending it with some rum (a placentarita!), January dried it with her ice cold bitch glare and turned it into vitamins. January tells People that her doula said placenta pills are like nature's Prozac!
“I have a great doula who makes sure I’m eating well, with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation.
Your placenta gets dehydrated and made into vitamins. It’s something I was very hesitant about, but we’re the only mammals who don’t ingest our own placentas. It’s not witch-crafty or anything! I suggest it to all moms!”
I usually stuff myself with meat instead of the other way around, but if I popped out a placenta, would I stir fry it with some Hamburger Helper and serve it at a BBQ or some shit? Probably not. Would I pull a January and swallow that in a pill? Probably. Why not? I mean, January does have a point about the animal thing. I try to do whatever my dog does. My dog licks ass, I lick ass. My dog eats barf, I eat McDonald's....
So that's why it's almost like summer in NYC. It's isn't from global warming (it's totally from global warming)! It's because the apparent heir to the American ginger throne, 1-year-old Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (Prince MEN-M) is heating up the sidewalks with the curly halo of flames on his head. No, Cynthia Nixon's hair didn't burn off from being that close to Max's short fro of sparks. Cynthia shaved it all off to do Wit on Broadway.
The rapture has been re-scheduled for a later date, because the world can't end now that a miniature Rojo is here. Prince Max saved us all!!! (See also: ginger babies are the best.)
I refuse to believe that an actual human baby passed through the poon of Lizzie McGuire. I am choosing to believe that she picked up a baby from the cabbage patch this past weekend and I'm sure if you looked at his birth certificate, that shit would have Xavier Roberts' signature all over it. Anyway, as Jessica Simpson's 4-year-old unborn baby telecommutes to preschool from the womb, Hilary Duff and her husband Mike Comrie are holding their brand new baby friend. Hilary declared herself a new mom on Twitter today:
Welcome to the World Luca Cruz Comrie! Tuesday evening, we became proud parents of a healthy 7 pound 6 ounce beautiful boy.
Lizzie McGuire's ass should've checked CorbinFisher before she went with the name Luca Cruz, because I'm pretty sure there's a porn star on there with the same name. I'm going to pull out my Household Bank MasterCard (don't be jealous) to buy a membership to check on this for Lizzie. (You hear that, IRS? That CorbinFisher membership is for official research. Research! So don't come at me when you see it on my tax return! The same goes for my Sean Cody membership, Brazzers, Big Sausage Pizza, etc...)
But seriously, if Baby Luca is an exact hybrid of Hilary and Mike, we're not going to know where his teefs end and his forehead begins. On that note, let's end with a song:
Here's Reese Witherspoon leaving an eatin' place in Brentwood five days ago and this proves that a fetus has taken a lease out on her uterus for a few months, because pregnant women are the only kind of women in Hollywood who eat food in public and she's so desperate to cover up her baby growing area that she stole a memaw's gardening bag to do so. UsWeekly says that Reese and her husband of a year Jim Toth aren't ever going to announce their first BABY!!! together, so UsWeekly is doing it for them!
"Reese is right around 12 weeks. Reese and Jim have been trying to get pregnant. The timing is right. They're so happy!
Reese and Jim's adorable bundle of chin will be a brother or sister to her kids with Ryan Phillipe: 12-year-old Ava and 8-year-old Deacon.
Thanks to Jessica Simpson's wide open pie hole, I have come to expect that ALL celebrity mom types will spill every tiny little ass detail about their pregnancy. If Reese isn't going to ever talk about this to us, how will we know what her sex pregnancy orgasms are like or how she queefs every time her baby chin kicks her? I already feel cheated!
Hugh Grant (or "Dayum That Bitch Got Old" as you're calling him right now) accidentally made a baby with Chinese actress Tinglan Hong (Tinglin' Dong would be a really good porn name, by the way) last year and he hasn't really talked about his 6-month-old daughter Tabitha, because he's been too busy deciding if he likes her or not. It's good to know that he does! Hugh told The Guardian (via People) that he likes Tabitha and he likes her so much that he's not going to set up a trust fund for her. Oh, Hugh, you've officially transformed into your About a Boy character:
On being a father to a baby: "Lots of people warned me [that] the baby period is not that exciting. But I am excited, actually. I thought, well, I'll bluff through — but very little bluffing has been required."
On if he thinks his daughter is an asshole or not: "I like my daughter very much. Has she changed my life? I'm not sure. Not yet. Not massively, no. But I'm absolutely thrilled to have had her, I really am. And I feel a better person."
On why he won't let his daughter become a trustafarian: "I see nothing but fuck-ups among my trust-fund friends. It's like 99% fuck-ups. So I would not want to do that to my children, no."
So many people slobber on and on about how perfect their babies are, and how their perfect babies shit perfect shits and are perfect this, perfect that, perfect, perfect, perfect. So it's kind of refreshing that Hugh says in a British way that if his daughter had a Facebook page, he might like it if he was under the influence or feeling charitable. But about that trust fund thing...
I'd be pissed off if my dad was in Did You Hear About the Morgans? and I couldn't even use my trust fund money to buy a $2,000 Hermes scarf to hide my embarrassment in. Well, at least if Tabitha ever needs cash and Hugh refuses to give it to her, she can use the line: "How do you expect me to pay my rent? Sell my ass on the corner of Sunset and Courtney?"
Daisy Joelina, Slutty Brownie, Kenna Paves (never 4get) and Hunts Point Baloo (if she used the same baby name generator Ashlee Simpson used for Bronx Mowgli) were just some of the names I guessed when Jessica Simpson told Elle Magazine that she and Eric Johnson have already come up with a name for their unborn 4-year-old daughter. Jessica said that the name isn't going to make hos cross their eyes and it'll make sense to some. Well, InTouch Weekly claims they know the name and it makes sense, but it's also making me menstruate out an LOL.
“They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything,” a family friend confides.
“They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend says. Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.”
And not only has Jessica’s been seen wearing a necklace with a diamond “M” pendant in honor of her little bundle of joy, the couple also already ordered onesies monogrammed with the name! Jessica, 31, is now set to give birth on April 20, three weeks earlier than her original due date. “She’s gained so much weight and the baby is so big that doctors pushed up the date,” reveals her friend.
Jessica really had to fuck with a kid by giving her the nickname of Maxi! MAXI. Does anybody even use maxi pads anymore? Couldn't they have been a little more modern by naming their daughter Diva Cup Johnson or Kotex Johnson? They should just scribble down the name Maxi Pad on her birth certificate, because that's what everybody's going to call her. But let me think about this for a second.
Whenever I hear a baby name, I judge it by picturing the name in glitter on a poster hanging in the window of a gay bar on drag night. If the name lures me into the drag show, it's a winner. If the name leaves me cold and convinces me to eat frozen yogurt on the curb instead, shit is a dud. So, let me try it out:
*MAXI PAD JOHNSON*
Okay, I'd probably go in.
Charlize Theron somehow found time between gay bar "canoodling" with ASkars and eating black chicken on Top Chef: Texas to adopt a BABY!!!!! Charlize's rep confirms to People that a baby boy can now call her "mommy" after she adopted his ass recently.
"She is the proud mom of a healthy baby boy named Jackson."
UsWeekly says that Jackson is African-American and was born in the United States.
If you're happy for Charlize and Jackson, send them a congratulatory smoke signal by taking a hit from a granny smith apple bong. If you don't care, pretend you do so that you have an excuse for taking a hit from a granny smith apple bong in the middle of the day.
Since today's theme is hos talking BABIES!!!, here's home wrecking vanguard Sienna Miller posing with her barely there bump out in British Vogue. Sienna Miller opened up to Vogue to say that she's closing up about all the details of her pregnancy. Unlike Snooki and Jessica Simpson, Sienna isn't going to tell you what her pregnancy farts smell like or if she's having bizarre cravings for strange things like unmarried peen. Sienna ain't saying shit. Sienna has even vagina swallowed a firewall so that The Sun can't hack into her uterus (I'm sure they've tried). 30-year-old Sienna tells Vogue (via DM):
"I'm feeling fine. It's all progressing nicely and it's very exciting. It's nice to start a new decade.
I'm in my second trimester, so I'm I-can-talk-about-it pregnant, even though I'm under strict instructions not to say anything as it would completely defeat the point of everything I've tried to achieve in the last eight years."
It seems like it wasn't that long ago when the only thing that could make Sienna Miller shut her mouth was peen attached to a man not wearing a wedding band, and now she's shutting her lips in the name of privacy. How my favorite man snatcher has grown. It truly is the end of a beautiful home wrecking era. Seeing Sienna hold that memorial wreath over her retired bull dozer vagina has given me the closure I need. Thank you, Sienna.
Not since Jessie Spano overdosed on meth pills has her insides been this EXCITED!!! about anything. Elizabeth Berkley told TMZ yesterday that sometime this summer she's going to thrust thrust thrust out her first baby with her artist husband Greg Lauren. Yes, Greg Lauren is the romance novel cover beauty in the picture above. The wind is always blowing in Greg's luscious mane, his eyes are always sparkling like he can see the sun setting in your eyes and it's always 5 o'clock on his beard area. Nomi chose well.
Nomi's mouth birthed out this block of cheese about her baby news:
"In life there are moments you cherish forever and this is one of them. We are so excited to share this moment and special news! The baby is due this summer"
If Nomi doesn't name her kid "Versacye," I will never forgive her. I will also never forgive her if she doesn't have a pool birth and get Kyle McLachlan to be her lamaze partner, so they can recreate the pool flopping scene from Showgirls. AKA the greatest scene in the history of fine cinema.