BABIES!!!

Hugh Grant SHOCKED the universe (not really, not at all) in 2011 when he announced that he was a first time father to a daughter he made with his short-term piece Tinglan Hong. Hugh's spokeswhore called it a "fleeting affair" and said they were no longer together, but that he would help her raise their kid. It was a fancy and polite way of saying that Hugh barebacked a baby into Tinglan during a three-night stand and he'll happily send a check to his daughter every month. Since Hugh Grant just loves announcing the birth of babies out of nowhere, he did it again on Twitter this morning by tweeting about his daughter's new brother:

The Daily Mail thinks that this means Hugh Grant's sperm fish shoved itself into one of Tinglan's eggs again and that he's a father for the second time, but he never says that. Hugh just says that his daughter has a brother, so Tinglan could've made a baby with another dude. Maybe Hugh Grant just loves announcing the birth of babies? Bitch should totally start a new career as a baby birth announcer.

And remember when Hugh said that he liked his daughter "okay"? Since Hugh might not even be related to Tinglan's son, he'll probably say that he only sees that baby as an acquaintance and he'll be cordial to him at family functions, but that's it!

UPDATE: Hugh added on Twitter that he's the daddy, so I guess that either he and Tinglan are back together or they just can't stop casually doing each other raw dog-style.

"Isn't your dad the one who's snoring and drooling into his program in the tenth row?" is the question that a senior will ask Steve Martin's kid in 18 years at their high school graduation. But Steve Martin's kid will get to shoot back with, "Was your parent in House Sitter? Yeah, I thought not, so shut the fuck up!" Steve Martin's kid will get to say that unless the other senior is Dana Delany's kid. If that's the case, Steve Martin's kid will have to get another line.

Steve Martin is proving that you're never too old to wash away the baby diarrhea from your hands in the laundry room sink after changing your newborn's diaper. Page Six says that Steve Martin and his wife Anne Stringfield, who is Southern California's premiere Liz Lemon impersonator, are new parents to a baby born in L.A. two months ago. Steve is 67 and Anne is 41. A source type says that they are really private and they've been trying to keep the news a secret:

“They’ve had a baby, and how they kept it a secret nobody knows. Steve’s very private. They are thrilled. They worked hard to have the baby.”

I already hear some of you screaming about how Steve Martin and his kid will be fighting over the last Pedialyte in a year, but I applaud this. This is Steve Martin's first kid, which means he doesn't have grandkids, which means that up until a couple of months ago he didn't have a kid to yell at and boss around. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking about an old bitch who doesn't have a kid around to scream and wave a wooden spoon at.

So congrats to Steve Martin for ensuring that in the Metamucil phase of his life, he'll have a little kid to snarl at.

And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you're always giving a bitch the finger.

Almost two weeks after Shakira's truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique's son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF's website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF's donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:

"We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us."

Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan's head and it looks like he can do it.

And damn at Gerard's finger. Dude isn't only hung in the crotch, he's hung in the fingers too.

via UsWeekly 

Dlisted's BABIES!!! tag has been overworked lately, so let's just overwork it all the way. No 15 minute bong break for you, BABIES!!! tag.

If the tabloids aren't saying that Brad Pitt and St. Angie lied to us all by getting married when all gay people can't get married yet, they're saying that they broke up and if they're not saying that they broke up, then they're saying that they're one fetus closer to taking down the Duggars. This week, Star Magazine is going with the last one.

It's been over 4 years since a fetus has moved into the holy baby rectory in St. Angie Jo's body, and now some source (aka Maddox and Zahara cranking again) told Star (via Hollywood Life) that she has dusted off her uterus and pulled the white sheets off of the furniture, because she is knocked up again. The source says that Angie has been waiting a long time to add a 7th member to their child army, but Brad wasn't having it, because the last thing he wanted was another child yanking on his greasy mop while he's trying to have a quiet and intimate moment with his Vaporizer. But the source says that whether Brad likes it or not, another chosen one will land on earth soon. Brad is apparently telling his friends that they're having another boy:

“Angelina has been talking about having another child for years now. But Brad kept putting his foot down because of their intense schedules and chaotic lifestyle. She’s focusing on the other children right now, trying to prepare them for the new baby. Shiloh has even determined that the baby’s name must be John."

The source had me until the "John" part. Like Shiloh is really going to give up the name she gave to herself. The new kid's going to have to win that name in a rubber knife fight against Shiloh. Besides, if Angie is eating for one now and if she's having a boy, I hope he comes out Asian and I hope they do the right thing by giving him a name that ends with X (examples: Twix, FedEx, Zerofux, Anthrax, etc...). That way Pax, Maddox and the new baby X can start an Asian boy band in the far future and call it The Triple X.

When Jeremy Renner told Eva Longoria on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes that he gave his ex-girlfriend a surprise case of the BABIES!!!, he told everybody, because some nosy-eared witness heard it and spread the news to UsWeekly (or Eva Longoria's ass gave the news to UsWeekly in exchange for a "best" label in their extremely important Best & Worst Beach Bodies issue). Not much was known about Jeremy's ex-girlfriend, but then the highly skilled womb diggers at The National Enquirer (via Radar) went to work and found out that the future mother of Baby Hawkeye is 22-year-old model Sonni Pacheco from Vancouver. We shouldn't be surprised about this shit, because aren't they ALWAYS 22-year-old models?

A supposed friend of Jeremy's tells the Enquirer that Sonni is living with him and his "roommate" at his home in L.A. and he's taking care of her while she's baking the baby they made. The friend went on to say, “Jeremy is delighted he’s going to become a dad. He realizes it’s unconventional to have his baby mama, an ex-girlfriend, living with him and his roommate, but he just doesn’t care.”

So to recap: Jeremy, his "roommate" and his knocked up ex-piece are all living in the same house and I'm guessing that house is his $25 million flip that looks like a cross between the Rocketeer's lair and the fanciest Restoration Hardware store you've ever seen.

I thought that when you become a multi-millionaire movie star, the first thing you do is drop your roommate and those rough ass towels from Ikea that scrubbed a layer off your skin every time you dried off with them. But I guess not. I mean, roommate?!

Now I'm not saying that Jeremy's situation is some New Normal shit, but when are we going to get to the part when we meet Sonni's ultra conservative, Cindy McCain-like, ice queen of a grandmother and her daughter who does a dead-on impersonation of Little Edie from Grey Gardens? Because they're my favorite part of the story.

And here's some of Sonni's extremely professional and elegant modeling pictures. Sonni is giving us some Barbizon: After Dark glamour and then some.

If you're in Barcelona and thought that your city was under attack by a herd of rabid goats, there's no need  to sit in fear and wait until they chew you alive. It wasn't a herd of rabid goats, it was just Shakira letting out a goat wail while giving birth to her first kid (see what I did there?). Shakira and her big peened piece Gerard Piqué are parents to a baby boy who weighed in at 6lbs. 6oz. Somebody posted this announcement on Shakira's website today:

We are happy to announce the birth of Milan Piqué Mebarak, son of Shakira Mebarak and Gerard Piqué, born January 22nd at 9:36pm, in Barcelona, Spain.

The name Milan (pronounced MEE-lahn), means dear, loving and gracious in Slavic; in Ancient Roman, eager and laborious; and in Sanskrit, unification.

Just like his father, baby Milan became a member of FC Barcelona at birth.

The hospital confirmed that the couple’s first child weighed approximately 6lbs. 6 ounces, and that both mother and child are in excellent health.

I see them trying to act like they named Milan after a Slavic meaning, but they can't fool me. Minutes before Shakira shook Baby Milan out of her body (like this), a long table with RuPaul and the other RuPaul's Drag Race judges behind it rolled out and RuPaul announced, "London, Paris, MEE-LAHN!" And out sashayed Baby Milan. They didn't name Milan after a Slavic meaning. They named Milan after Milan from Drag Race, obviously. Your hips might not lie, Shakira, but your baby name announcements do!

GQ has released the outtakes from their interview with the First Lady of the Illuminati and in those outtakes they ask her about the rumor that she strapped a House of Dereon-brand pillow baby to her stomach while a South American baby oven baked the chosen one in her womb. Beyonce said before that the rumors that she faked her pregnancy the same way she faked her singing at the Inauguration were crazy, but she didn't take them personally. When GQ asked about Beyonce's 250-thread count goose feather baby, she once again said that the rumor didn't bother her, but it did bother Mama Tina Knowles and Basement Baby. And don't screw with Greta Gremlin and a Hot Slut who has punched a basement moth or two.

"I felt like I kind of had to protect my mother, because when people made up the silliest rumor about me not really being pregnant She was there when I went through all of those things. And my sister. They were very, very defensive. It's not personal to me, and it comes along with the job, but the lack of respect—people will just go too far sometimes."

Beyonce then talked about how birthin' out Blue Ivy Carter was an amazing experience:

"When I gave birth, that was the first time I truly let go and surrendered. And it taught me how amazing that feels... Giving birth made me realize the power of being a woman. I have so much more substance in my life. And expressing that excitement and that sensuality and the connection I have with my husband—I'm a lot more comfortable with that now. I actually feel like my child introduced me to myself."

If you gave birth in a custom-designed birthing suite while Mama Tina fixed your birthing wig, Basement Baby hand fed you ice chips made from the amniotic fluid of pink dolphins, an ambiance designer changed the lighting to fit your breathing pattern and some out-of-work singers (aka Michelle Williams and the other forgotten children of Destiny) hummed the melody to "Halo," you too would describe your birthing experience as "amazing."

I once watched a woman on a stretcher in the hallway of the overcrowded delivery ward at my mom's hospital go into labor under fluorescent lighting. I wonder if her birthing experience was "amazing"? Actually, she'd probably say it was, because she had a really good view of the vending machine in the waiting area. If she ever got hungry, she could scream at her husband, "BRING ME A ROCKY ROAD BAR NOW!!!" Did Beyonce have a vending machine in her ultra luxurious birthing suite? I bet not.

Let's all stick an e.p.t. test up our asses, because the odds say that we're all having babies. Babies are happening to everyone! Elton John has a baby, Jeremy Renner is going to have a baby and in the most terrifying baby news of all, Star (via Radar) says that Teen Mom Jenelle Evans is knocked all the way up with a kid who she'll see every other weekend (depending on whether or not she's got ¢hur¢h aka a Ke$ha concert that weekend).

In around 8 months, Child Protective Services will get another file on their desks when 21-year-old Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 births out her second kid. Jenelle's husband of a few weeks, Courtland Rogers, tells Star that CPS' sweetheart is around 6 weeks pregnant and since she doesn't have custody of her first kid, Jace Evans, she's hoping she can prove she's not a piece of shit parent by raising her second kid right. There's nothing more precious than having a do over baby. Jenelle just got out of rehab for heroin addiction, so this is perfect time for her to be knocked up. Courtland tells Star:

“Me and Jenelle are so happy that she’s pregnant. She told me, ‘I’m looking forward to a second chance.’ She thinks if she can prove that she’s a good mother, she can get Jace back."

When Star asked Jenelle's 59-year-old mother for a comment, she said (no, she didn't), "I was thrilled to find out that my accidental surrogate is pregnant with another baby for me to raise. Retirement is overrated! I am so happy that Jenelle gets to have all the fuck time fun in making a baby while I'm the one who gets to raise it. I am seriously OVER THE MOON! No, seriously, throw me over the moon, please." 

And this goes without typing, but yes, there will soon be a baby on this planet whose name is Ke$ha. Ke$ho if it's a boy.

Tip of the day: If you're going to get knocked up by a dude you've only dated for a quick minute, make sure that dude is Jeremy Renner, because he will put you up in his Los Angeles home and take care of all your pregnancy needs. Would you expect anything less Hawkeye?

Jeremy has said before that he's a really private person and he totally behaved like a really private person the other night when he openly blabbed to Eva Longoria about becoming a father for the first time. Two witnesses tell UsWeekly that on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes on Sunday night, they overheard Jeremy talking to Eva Longoria about how his ex-piece is carrying their baby in her uterus. Jeremy is shooting a movie out of CA right now, but told Eva that he's going to "fly in when her water breaks." 

A source tells UsWeekly that Jeremy and the future mama j'e'e of his child only dated for a little while and it wasn't serious at all. When Grumpy Cat's separated-at-birth twin found out that he humped a baby into his ex-girlfriend, he put her up in his house. She's going to give birth to Hawkeye Jr. next month. 

Well, this is one way to completely drown those gay rumors in virile jizz. Congrats to Jeremy Renner for learning an important life lesson: sometimes hetero bareback fucking leads to a baby. Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart, Hugh Grant and January Jones welcome you to their club! 

I don't appreciate getting the stare down first thing in the morning, but I'll let it pass, because: a) The starer-downer is a pupil of Hogwarts (that's where his blazer is from, right?) and; b) The starer-downer could definitely beat my ass, so I'll fall back this time.

The New York Post said last Thursday that another baby gets to nuzzle up in between Sir Elton John's wrinkly dumpling chichis, but he denied it. The Post said Elton and his husband David Furnish denied it, because they were trying to get a check for the announcement. But apparently, they denied it, because their baby hadn't been pulled out of their leased baby oven yet. Elton and David's second son was born via a Las Vegas surrogate last Friday in Los Angeles. Their new baby weighed in at 8lbs 4oz., they named him Elijah Daniel Joseph Furnish-John and when he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was his 2-year-old brother Zachary Jackson Levi Furnish-John staring him down.

Elton and David gave this paragraph of words to HELLO! last night:

"Both of us have longed to have children, but the reality that we now have two sons is almost unbelievable. The birth of our second son completes our family in a most precious and perfect way. It is difficult to fully express how we are feeling at this time; we are just overwhelmed with happiness and excitement."

So many bitches give Elton John shit for getting himself a newborn baby when he's at least 250 years old, but I think it's a smart move. IN THIS ECONOMY, a family needs to save money when going out to dinner and three out of the four members of Elton's family get to order off of the discount menu. Elton gets to order from the seniors menu and his two kids get to order from the baby menu. Also, sitting through a graduation ceremony is like not being allowed to close your eyes after getting shot up with morphine. They are boring! But since Elton is going to be 266 when his first son graduates from high school, he'll get to nap throughout the ceremony and a bitch can't scold him for it. You have to have a heart made of out Lucifer farts to yell at an old bitch for napping.

But I will give Elton and David the Zachary-approved stare down for once again giving their kid ten names. Does Elijah Daniel Joseph Furnish-John really need a hundred names? They're not Latin damn. It's a good thing you don't have to include your middle initials when initialing HIGHLY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS, because if you did it would take Elton's sons eons to get through a credit loan application.