BABIES!!!

All hope for Halle Berry to name her rumored new baby Simba has been thrown out the window, because she has declared that her womb currently has a NO VACANCY sign on it. On Jay Leno last night, Halle denied the rumor that she's pregnant with her second baby friend.

When Jay told Halle that she looked terrific, she responded with: "You know, thank you for that, Jay, because that must mean that pregnancy rumors can be put to bed! I was getting a complex! Because I was like, I've got to stop with the burgers or something!"

Wait. Is Halle implying that knocked up chicks don't look "terrific"? Halle better brace her inbox for a flurry of e-mails from the mommy-to-be mafia. I've been e-slapped by them before and they don't play. Blame it on the fetus kicking their insides.

Okay, I'm going to try to be nice to Katherine Heigl this one time (MARK THIS DAY IN HISTORY!!!) and say that her new adorable Asian baby friend softens the cuntness in her face just a bit. There.

Heeeigggl (make that phlegm noise) and her husband Josh Kelley posted the first pictures of their 10-month-old daughter Naleigh on her foundation's website today. Heigl and her husband adopted little Naleigh from Korea. Naleigh's full name is Nancy Leigh (after Heigl's mother and sister). Heigl's rep said that everyone is doing well.

You know, babies always make my toe nails sweat, but Naleigh's little Michelin Man arms did make my dead heart beat a couple of times. I should go to the free clinic and have that checked.

Teresa Guidice birthed a fourth daughter yesterday night. Bravo's The Dish reports that Teresa and her juicy delicious bulldog of a husband named their fourth mob princess Audriana Giudice. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that she didn't named her Prostitution Whore Giudice. Maybe Danielle already has that baby name reserved for future use?

Audriana joins sisters Gia, Gabriella and Milania. Audriana should keep her eyes shut as long as she can, because as soon as she opens them, Teresa will be whoring her out to agents as the newest newborn supermodel sensation.

And I hope Audriana didn't inherit her mother's "crouching hairline, hidden forehead." That wouldn't be cute.

About a month ago, Colin Farrell's Polish girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda-Curuś, was photographed strolling through an airport smuggling something in her womb area. Well, Colin Fertile has confirmed to UsWeekly that Alicia has come down with the BABIES!! and the child is his. This will be Colin's second baby friend. He already has a 5-year-old son with some model-type.

33-year-old Colin and 26-year-old Alicia only began dating earlier this year, so those hos worked fast. Seriously, whatever happened to freely fucking through the first year of your relationship without a baby interrupting the fun with their loud ass screams? Like I've said before, babies are buzz killers.

And Colin is going to wish he knocked up a chick with a shorter name when he writes her a child support check every month.

Here's Daddy Colin giving us those sessy drunk eyes at the Toronto International Film Festival this past weekend.

That giant oaf of a man Tom Brady burped out that his wife Gis Bundchen is currently housing a baby in her midlands section. Tom told ESPN (via People) that Gis will evict their baby sometime in December. This is Tom confirming the rumor from May about Gis being knocked up.

Tom said, "The women are the ones who have to do the work. We just have to be there to support them and so it'll be nice to do that." Well, be there to support them on every day but Sunday. Tom agreed to go to Lamaze classes with Gis, but told her, "No Sundays! It couldn't be harder than training camp, so I'll be prepared."

And Gis should get a lawyer to write up what her idea of "support" is, because methinks Tom's idea is very different. When Bridge Moynahan was knocked up, Tom supported her by riding Gis bareback. So, the more you know, Gis.....

Here's some pictures from last month of Gis bouncing around Boston while hiding her OMGSOHUGENORMOUS bump from the paps. It looks like she's carrying a fetus in her lips instead of in her belly area.

Yesterday, I posted the rumor that Katherine Hagel and her husband were going to adopt a baby from Korea. I filed it in the HAHAHAHAH pile, because I really can't see Hagel coo-coo-ing into a baby's ear or changing diapers without throwing a 2-hour cunty fit. Well, the rumor is true. Hagel confirmed the news on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in an episode airing tomorrow.

Hagel said they are adopting a 10-month-old special needs girl from Korea. Fun fact: Hagel's sister was also adopted from Korea. Hagel added, "Her name is Naleigh. Well, I am naming her after my mother and sister Nancy, Leigh. So we call her Naleigh. She was actually born the day before me in November, which I thought was really serendipitous and just kind of like a sign. I realized just recently that I basically forfeited my birthday for the rest of my life. I wanted to tell everybody so you don't think I stole a Korean baby."

Nicotine, please! You know she's not going to forfeit her birthdays. Poor Naleigh is only going to get a stale Twinkie with a half-burned candle in it for her birthday, because Hagel will be too busy planning her own party. But it's nice to see that Hagel is still always thinking of herself.

And let's hope the police don't get the memo and arrest Hagel's ass for stealing a Korean baby. If the police ask you about it, you don't know anything!

No, not a mother to a carton of Marlboro Reds. A mother to an actual living, breathing human baby creature thing. We. Are. Doooooomed.

Radar says that Katherine Hagel and her husband Josh Kelley are thisclose to adopting a 10-month-old baby from Korea. A source says they have been going through the adoption process for around 6-months and plan to have everything sorted out by this week. The baby girl's name is Nayleigh and Katherine plans to call her Leigh.

This is the same Katherine Hagel who bitched about working 17-hour days on the Grey's Anatomy set. How in nicotine jizz hell is she going to deal with a baby who screams, poops and slobbers 24-hours a day? Oh yeah, nannies. And when they're not around, she'll just stick a ciggie in baby's mouth. LIKE THIS!

And if Katherine Hagel is actually planning to travel to Korea to pick up her baby friend, can someone please mix-up her plane tickets and send her to North Korea instead. Hagel + Kim Jong-il = BFFs

Right now at a hospital room in the Los Angeles area, a newborn baby is desperately trying to crawl back into Nicole Richie's vagina after hearing what she has named him. People reports that Nicole and Joel Madden welcomed a baby boy early this morning and named him Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Yes, this just confirms that doing massive amounts of the bad shit will eff up your brains for life!

Sparrow James Midnight Madden joins 19-month-old Harlow Winter Kate Madden as the newest member of the Our Parents Hate Us Club (The Madden Branch).

Nicole and Joel issued this statement that sounds like it was written by Edgar Allen Poe's ass lips: "In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7 lbs. 14 oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes."

Okay, okay, his name isn't that bad (Yes, it is). If I was still a 15-year-old faux goth kid on ecstasy, I'd completely be into Nicole Richie giving her baby a name that sounds like an Urban Decay nail polish color.

A few months ago, 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario filed papers in a court claiming that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one of her four kids who are all now in their 20s. Karen asked the court to order Keanu to pay her loony ass $150,000 a month for child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Yes, CRAZY is a hell of a motherfucking drug.

I hadn't heard much from Karen since May, so I figured she got lost on the way to the crackhouse or she was busy writing love letters to murderers on death row (she seems like the type). Well, Karen is baaaaaaack and she's ready for the truth to be revealed! Karen told The Spec.com that she's happier than a methhead at Wino's house, because Keanu has agreed to submit his DNA for testing. Karen said, “It’s great news. Finally, we can get some closure on this. This is not about revenge or an attack on his good character, it’s about closure and getting some peace. This is a personal journey.”

Yeah, a personal journey to KeanuIsNotTheFatherVille - Population: Maury and YOU.

Keanu's publicist once again said that he claims he has never ever met Karen Sala, but wants to shut the door on the crazy, so he's willing to take the test to clear his name.

I'm sure if Keanu needs helping extracting the DNA from his peen hole, some of you whores out there will be willing to help him out in the name of JUSTICE. Just make sure you take a Terrence Howard-approved baby wipe to Keanu beforehand, unless you like butter on your sausage.

If Keanu turns out to be the father, I will adopt an Axolotl Salamander and name it Karen Reeves.

And how much do you want to make a bet that when it's revealed that Keanu didn't drop one in Karen, she will start claiming that she's the true mother of Blanket Jackson. Claire Cruise better sharpen her shank, because Karen is totally going to pull that shit.

Most 3-year-olds are lazy babblers who spend their days pushing Cheerios around, slobbering all over everything and get excited about talking sponges (Just like me!), but not Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! No, Shiloh is already flying planes around the world and making paninis that would melt the tongues of a million Italians. In this week's Life & Style, they take us inside the magical world of a 3-year-old.

Apparently, Shiloh loves is a regular Top Chef judge, because she loves paninis. One special soul told Life & Style that they watched Shiloh and St. Angie share a panini at a cafe in Corsica, "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other." Shiloh was also heard saying that she wants to be an actor like her parents when she gets older. Then she ordered a bottle of the 59' Chateau Hanteillan and asked them to serve it to her on the veranda, because she likes to watch the sunset.

I mean, is next week's cover of Life & Style going to take us into the world of Kourtney Kardashian's fetus? I shouldn't joke, because it probably is!

Personally, I'm still waiting for the twin messiahs shocking "coming out" cover on People: "Yes, we poop our pants! And it smells!"

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