BABIES!!!

Tater Tot, the 4-year-old boy who was put on in-school suspension after he refused to take a pair of scissors to his luxurious bob, has been allowed back in class as long as he keeps his hair in a double French braid. Tater Tot's mom Elizabeth Taylor (who is the spitting image of this Elizabeth Taylor) has been trying to find a way that her son can go to class without cutting his beautiful mop.

The school's dumb ass policy states that every boy's hair must be kept out of the eyes and can't drop lower than the earlobes. Tater Tot's day isn't complete without flipping his hair while humming the Salon Selectives jingle, so he really didn't want to chop his locks. Elizabeth Taylor worked with the school's principal and came to the agreement that Tater Tot can sit with his fellow classmates if he wears his new 'do.

Why didn't I have Tater Tot's problems when I was his age? I used to put a pair of control-top panty hose (sorry mom) over my head and pretend it was a flowing waterfall of luscious hair. I would've given up my Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine to be able to wear a French braid that made me look like I was about to bust into a pirouette before leaping across the floor like a graceful swan.

Kourtney Kardashian's tortured baby Mason Dash Dicksick isn't even a month old and he's already got a few magazine covers stuffed into his diapers. And in every picture I've seen of him, Mason's got his eyes sealed shut as if he's just seen Bruce Jenner's face.

I know you're probably saying some shit about how all newborns keep their eyes shut, but this is Kourtney Kardashian's baby we're talking about. That boy does not want to witness a trainwreck over and over again. Mason only opens one of his eyes to see if the coast is clear so he can make his escape.

When Mason wiggles his ears, Kourtney probably thinks her soothing voice is tickling his lobes. NO BITCH, he's just trying to find a way to close his ear holes too.

And is it just me, or does Kourtney have 5 o'clock Khloe face on that cover?

Source: Life & Style via Cover Awards

This morning, I woke up to about a few e-mails proclaiming that the British disaster known as Kerry Katona took a lunar trip. Now when someone says they are "over the moon" it means one of three things: a) They are getting married b) They are having a baby or c) They are having anal sex with Kirstie Alley.

Unfortunately, Kerry Katona did not bump deep fried twinkies with Kirstie. Kerry claimed on a Twitter account that she was pregnant with a precious little coke baby. This is what she wrote:

"We are dead shocked but OVER THE MOON!"

"We are in SHOCK! But looking forward to new baby in 2010!

"Please god, let it be healthy and another boy would even it out! I wouldn't normally say this early on but we have had a early scan and all looks well! I'm just past 7 weeks! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!"

Thankfully, Child Protective Services does not have to open a division devoted to Kerry Katona, because her rep claims the Twitter page is fake and she is not with child. According to Kerry, she's been the victim of a hoax. Or has the hoax been a victim of Kerry Katona? It doesn't matter, but we should all but thankful that April Fool's Day landed on January 13th this year.

via The Sun

Everyone is giving birth a baby this week!!!! Everyone! BABIES!! and vaginas are having the busiest week ever. If you've got a vagina, you better tap down there to make sure there's not a baby head poking out. It might be an "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" week. Anyway, Joey Fatone and his wife Kelly have joined zillion others in welcoming a brand new baby friend into their party.

Joey tells People that his wife Kelly gave birth to their second daughter last night in Orlando, FL. Their new daughter weighed in at 5 lbs., 8 oz. Basically, Joey's new daughter weighs as much as one of his earlobes. Now on to the name since that's all we care about. We're hongray pigeons and celebrity baby names are a bag of bread crumbs.

Joey and Kelly named their daughter Kloey Alexandra Fatone. In case you're trying out a new kind of weed tonight, Kloey is a combination of Joey and Kelly's names. You know, part of me thinks that's kind of sweet. But that part of me also gets weepy when fucking Stepmom comes on TV, so we don't listen to that bitch. The better part of me thinks they should've named her Jelly instead.

Marky Mark and Rhea Durham have added yet another member to their own child army. Star Magazine says that Rhea gave birth to their fourth baby friend, a girl, at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles last night.

The baby's got a name too! A big-mouthed source, who is probably going to get a fist to the face from Marky (IT WAS ME! IT WAS ME!), said the two named their new daughter Margaret Grace.

Margaret Grace joins 6-year-old Ella, 4-year-old Michael and 1-year-old Brendan in the Wahlberg barracks.

Oh, and now I know why Rhea Durham is always giving herself THE BABIES!!! A source explains, "Mark was in the delivery room with Rhea. And he cheered her on all the way. Rhea was a real trouper, and now they can't wait to get home and be a big happy family with their four kids."

You too would be giving birth every second if Marky Mark dressed up in a cheerleader's outfit and told you to P-U-S-H while you lay spread-eagled in the delivery room.

And hopefully, Rhea lets her uterus smoke a cigarette and drink a glass of Andre before she puts it to work again.

John Rich, one half of the country duo Big & Rich, and his wife welcomed a baby boy on Sunday in Nashville. And they welcomed the poor kid by naming him CASH RICH. That's no fucking welcome. John has been keeping that name in his pocket for years. IN THIS ECONOMY, that name sounds a little cocky. Layaway Plan, Rent-To-Own or Credit Rich would've been more appropriate.

I'm a little surprised that John didn't go all the way by naming his son Ca$h Money Rich. I'm sure John entertained the idea, but that Ke$ha urchin probably threatened to barf in his closet or brush his teeth with a bottle of Jack if he went through with it.

So based on his name, Cash Rich is either going to be a used car salesman or a trailer park pimp. Or he can team up with Matthew McConaughey's nephew Miller Lyte and form the country's premiere white rapping duo (who only plays county fair pre-parties and Spears family reunions). Bubba Sparxxx is on line one.

via People

UPDATE: Image removed per request from Van's label. Boo

No, this is not my friend Armando dressed in drag as Eliot Spitzer's main madam. Also, that's not an all-grown up Chucky Doll next to her. But now I know what my Halloween costume is going to be this year!!! Anyway, this is supposedly Van Morrison with 42-year-old Gigi Lee. Gigi is the woman (make your own quotation marks here) who was named as the mother to Van Morrison's newborn baby son.

About a week ago, a message went up on Van's website announcing that his 64-year-old ass fathered a son with Gigi Lee. The next day, Van claimed that a hacker put up the fake message and he was not a new father. Van went on to say that he had never met this Gigi Lee trick and he is happily married to his wife Michelle. Well, the Daily Mail isn't going to let Van slip away so easily. According to them, Van knows Gigi Lee very well. In fact, sources say Gigi is the director of 14 of his companies. YES, Gigi is a serious business woman. Isn't it wonderful that we live in an age where serious business women have faces like a deflated Julie Masking and hair like bleached curly fries? It's good to be alive.

Gigi's friends tell the Daily Mail that the two met back in 1998. Since then, Gigi has been bragging to friends about how she's been carrying on an affair of love with Van. Gigi's friends also added that Gigi recently moved into a fancy townhouse where she's planning to raise Baby Van.

So Van says he does not have a baby with Gigi, and the Daily Mail says he does have a baby with Gigi. I don't know what to believe! However, I won't be surprised if I read on my RSS feed tomorrow morning: PETE BURNS arrested for stealing a blonde wig, a Benjamin Button's prop baby from Warner Bros. storage closet, and a drivers license belonging to one Gigi Lee.

Vadge's face is made out of the foreskin of a hundred fetuses, cartilage from a Baiji dolphin, and a dozen hymens, so she does whatever it takes to keep her mug from freezing and falling off like an icicle on a shingle.

That's why Vadge looked like Shredder after a date with the Queer Eye gays while she left a movie theater in NYC last night. Vadge also took extra precautions by making Baby Jesus carry a cooler filled with replacement faces.

Somewhere in the world Matthew McConaughey is handing out pink blunts to his friends to celebrate the birth of his new baby friend. 40-year-old Matthew announced on his website (which I got a contact high from) that his 26-year-old girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their daughter early today. Matthew took a hit and wrote:

Happy New Year everybody!!! On Sunday, Jan. 3rd at 12:13am, Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named "Vida Alves McConaughey".... Vida is Portuguese for "life" and that's what God gave us this morning... Camila's recovering wonderfully and we are both truly honored to welcome this little lady into our family... thanks for all your well wishes and prayers along the way. another blessed day. we give thanks. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila

Matthew and Camila already have a 17-month-old son named Levi, so I guess I was wrong in thinking that his sperm fishes just lay around watching Beavis & Butthead re-runs while finishing off an entire Frito-Lay variety pack. They actually get off their stoner asses.

And Matthew only named his daughter Vida Alves McConaughey, so he can call her VAM! And he'll fist pump every time he says it. VAM!

via People

The other day, a message went up on Van Morrison's website announcing the birth of his fourth baby friend with some chick named Gigi Lee. We all patted Van's sperm on the back for still ticking after 64 years. Well, we need to take our pats back, because he doesn't have a fourth child after all. Van says that some evil hacker posted the bogus message on his website. Van's sperm fishes are still spending their days watching their stories on their Tempur-Pedic bed. They aren't even trying to tap a bitch's ovaries. Not today.

Van's rep issued this statement to Irish Times: "For the avoidance of all doubt and in the interests of clarity, I am very happily married to Michelle Morrison with whom I have two wonderful children." The rep added that Van has never heard of a Gigi Lee and the entire story belongs in Barnes & Nobles' fiction section.

On the fake message left on Van's website, the faker wrote that Little Van was the "spitting image" of his father. Since Little Van doesn't exist, you don't have to carry a cross around anymore for fear that you'll run into the second coming of Benjamin Button.