BABIES!!!

Most 3-year-olds are lazy babblers who spend their days pushing Cheerios around, slobbering all over everything and get excited about talking sponges (Just like me!), but not Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! No, Shiloh is already flying planes around the world and making paninis that would melt the tongues of a million Italians. In this week's Life & Style, they take us inside the magical world of a 3-year-old.

Apparently, Shiloh loves is a regular Top Chef judge, because she loves paninis. One special soul told Life & Style that they watched Shiloh and St. Angie share a panini at a cafe in Corsica, "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other." Shiloh was also heard saying that she wants to be an actor like her parents when she gets older. Then she ordered a bottle of the 59' Chateau Hanteillan and asked them to serve it to her on the veranda, because she likes to watch the sunset.

I mean, is next week's cover of Life & Style going to take us into the world of Kourtney Kardashian's fetus? I shouldn't joke, because it probably is!

Personally, I'm still waiting for the twin messiahs shocking "coming out" cover on People: "Yes, we poop our pants! And it smells!"

VIA Cover Awards

Life & Style is saying that Halle Berry has got a case of the babies AGAIN. Apparently, Halle went through a lot of shit to conceive her first baby friend, Nahla, and the second time wasn't any different. One of Halle's friends, who has a mouth bigger than Parasite Hilton's crotch cave, said that she conceived her first baby through in vitro fertilization and her second through artificial insemination.

The friend went on to yap, "She's just ecstatic to be pregnant again. She wasn't sure if she'd have another baby, so she's very happy!"

Halle's rep put his hand and refused to comment on this.

If my ass was Halle Berry, I'd be giving crazy Michelle Duggar a run for her baby money. My fuck part would be permanently glued to Gabriel Aubry's dick stick and it would never let go. Those babies would have to call the fire department to help them find another way out, because I'd never let his sessy ass go.

The latest pair of astronauts to go where every celebwhore who has every had a baby goes are David Boreanaz and his wife Jaime Berman. The two welcomed their second oxygen-stealer into this world yesterday. Right before she popped, Jaime told People, "We've been trying to have another baby for a couple of years now so we are beyond excited. We're over the moon.”

Speaking of, David and Jaime's baby just might try to fart her way all the way to the moon when she realizes what her parents named her. David and Jaime named their baby girl Bardot Vita Boreanaz.

Bardot's 7-year-old brother will grab on to her when she busts out of there, because his name is Jaden Rayne. Bardot Vita and Jaden Rayne! I don't know if they sound like the members of an early 90s R&B girl group or the stars of a late-night Cinemax movie.

McSteamy and Rebecca Gayfart are going to have a baby. That's what Life & Style is saying. Sources say that the stars of the most boring celebrity "nekkid tape" of all-time are expecting one of those baby things in 5-6 months. Insert your very own customized "smackhead child killah is going to be a mom" joke here.

This source said that they have been trying to spawn for a while now and Rebecca even turned down highly important roles (sarcasm) in order to focus on getting pregnant. The source added, "She turned down the role of Penn Badgley's mother on 'Gossip Girl' because it was based in N.Y.C. and she didn't want to be away from Eric or travel that far. It was bad for her health. Rebecca also turned down a Hallmark movie and a Lifetime movie because she was trying to have a baby."

McGayfart have yet to confirm or deny this, so this could just be a rumor they magically conjured up to take the focus off of their bunk ass tape. You know what else they could've done to take the focus off that audacity? Leak a tape with actual fucking! I mean, that tape was a health hazard, because it gave bitches everywhere a serious case of blue balls. We're still waiting, McSteamy.....

VIA Ace Showbiz

When the doctor finally delivers Kourtney Kardashian's baby, he's probably going to wonder why chunks of its umbilical cord are missing. You tell the doctor that baby had no other choice but to tears off pieces of it to stick in its ears, because Kourtney would not shut the damn hell up!

Since Kourtney announced that she is knocked up, she hasn't stopped talking. If you drive by her house, you'll find her standing out front, mindlessly blabbing to the air. If you threw a soda can at her head, she'd keep on yapping. She wouldn't even notice.

Some pregnant women get morning sickness, but Kourtney has morning/noon/night sickness, because she won't stop barfing up words!

We already know way too much, but Kourtney is still telling us more. Here's a few quotes from just the past couple of days.

Kourtney to Life & Style: "My baby saved my relationship!"

Kourtney to UsWeekly: "I think I'd pose nude while pregnant. I think so. I'd have to think about it."

Kourtney to UsWeekly: "You know what's weird? Like, I always thought, like, if I was pregnant I would eat like, McDonald's or like, Taco Bell all day long or something. I'm not craving those things. Like, I've been craving, like, cold stuff like frozen yogurt and smoothies and like, I've been eating way more fruit then I used to eat before."

Kourtney to E! Online: "I don't think I have ever changed a diaper."

Kourtney to E! Online: "I used to think, ‘Oh, just get a C-section and it's done and easy and whatever.'"

Kourtney to E! Online: "I got tuna on a bagel and pickles and sauerkraut and then bagel chips dipped in thousand island dressing. But after that, I literally went home because I was so tired. I made Scott come home and take a nap with me."

Kourtney to People: "Definitely you want to spoil your kids. But I want them to learn responsibility and want them to make their own money. My dad taught us that."

Kourtney to People: "I think I am strict. "Even [my younger half-sisters] Kendall and Kylie say, 'You are going to be the meanest mom,' because one time at Disneyland I yelled at Kendall because she was throwing a brat attack, because my mom wouldn't buy her a Tinkerbell shirt ... I was like, 'That's not how you teach your kids!' "

Kourtney to the birds flying by in the sky: "Blahblahblah....like blahBABY...like blahblahblahBABY"

Ricky Martin is looking so damn serious in this picture he posted on his website of his 1-year-old twinsies. It's like he's saying, "I come in peace. Take these babies as an offering." No, thanks, but I'll take a piece of you instead, Ricky.

Seriously, I've never gotten the tingles in a major way for Ricky, but dude is looking hot. I guess being around baby shit fumes, nose smegma, banana vomit and SpongeBob SquarePants does a body good. Yeah, that can't be it. If that was the case, Jon Gosselin wouldn't look like something the Pillsbury Doughboy's asshole coughed up.

Shouldn't Kourtney Kardashian be negotiating a reality show starring her fetus or trying to sell her ultrasound scans to the tabloids? Instead, Kourtney is still here, yap yap yapping away. Kourt has already told us that she got knocked up, because she kind of forgot to take her birth control pills. Now, she's telling People Magazine that she thought about having an abortion.

How precious. I hope Kourtney is cutting out these touching articles and putting them in her baby book.

Kourtney is speaking out, because she has a reality shit show to whore out. And because she feels that women don't thoroughly think through their options, "I can't even tell you how many people just say, 'Oh, get an abortion.' Like it's not a big deal." Kourtney went on to queef that she wanted to know what risks she would face if she had an abortion, so she talked about it with her doctor. Kourtney's physician, Dr. Sarah Palin, told her, "There is nothing you will ever regret about having the baby, but you may regret not having the baby."

After speaking with her doctor and agreeing with what they had to say, Kourtney went on the internet to do her own research, "I looked online, and I was sitting on the bed hysterically crying, reading these stories of people who felt so guilty from having an abortion. I was reading these things of how many people are traumatized by it afterwards. I was just sitting there crying, thinking, 'I can't do that.' And I felt in my body, this is meant to be. God does things for a reason, and I just felt like it was the right thing that was happening in my life. For me, all the reasons why I wouldn't keep the baby were so selfish: It wasn't like I was raped, it's not like I'm 16. I'm 30 years old, I make my own money, I support myself, I can afford to have a baby. And I am with someone who I love, and have been with for a long time."

Kourtney, your fetus faxed me (it's old-school like that) and it wants you to stop airing out its business! It might be a Kardashian, but I don't think its famewhore gene is fully developed yet.

Johnny Knoxville has given the virus known pregnancy to his girlfriend of one year Naomi Nelson. Johnny's rep confirms to UsWeekly that Naomi is knocked up with his second kid. 38-year-old Johnny has a 13-year-old daughter with his ex-wife.

It looks like the drought is over! Just when I was beginning to think that the world was temporarily safe, we've been hit hard with another BABY!!! typhoon.

Brace yourselves. Everyone has a baby coming around the corner: Jude Law, Colin Farrell, one of the Karadashian creatures, that Tunisian fetus machine and now Johnny Knoxville. Jizz the season, I guess.

Colin Farrell's girlfriend, Polish actress Alicja Bachleda-Curuś, either swallowed an entire Honey Baked Ham whole or she's got a baby brewing in her baby. I'm going to go with the latter, because Alicja has a look on her face like: "Ya, I got this." Oh, yes she does and I'm jealous of the ho.

If Alicja does have a case of the babies and Colin is the father, then the child will be his second. Colin has a 5-year-old son named Colin with Kim Bordenave.

Colin and Alicja met on the set of the movie Ondine. They have apparently been dating for only 7-months, which means shit got serious really fast. But if you were dating Colin, you'd wrap your fuck parts around his peen rod and wouldn't let go until a baby pushed it out. Truth.

VIA Pudelek

UPDATE: Celine's rep confirms to UsWeekly that rumors are true, "We can confirm she is pregnant. Celine and René are very happy. They are crazy in love over the news ... they are overjoyed." My frozen embryo will go on!!!!

Lying in Celine Dion's magical womb might be a fetus with long flowing locks (which she will never cut) and a singing voice that can cure cancer. That's because word on the block is that 41-year-old Celine Dion is pregnant with her second child. The Journal de Montreal (via The Montreal Gazette) says that kayak's #1 fan and her 300-year-old husband, Rene Angelil, conceived with the help a team of fertility gods (aka some doctors in NYC).

Their first baby friend, (roll your Rs if you know what's good for you) Rene-Charles, is already 8 years old.

Celine has yet to confirm or deny the rumors.

While researching this story (BECAUSE I'M A SERIOUS JOURNALIST!!!), I googled "Celine Dion baby" and this is the first picture that came up:

The internet: Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.