BABIES!!!

Kelis' rep tells MTV that she went into labor on Monday at 2am and didn't pop out a BABY!!! friend until last night at 9. LAWD. I've never given birth to a baby (surprising, I know), but I think I would need heroin, crack, a vodka drip, a dozen morphine lollipops, Mah Boo's soothing voice on a loudspeaker and six epidural-tinis just to get through that shit! Labor doesn't sound like a party.

Kelis had a natural birth and the only people in the room were her mother and sister. TMZ claims that her estranged husband Nas tried to get in to see her on Tuesday night, but he was too drunk, so they turned him away.

Nas and Kelis named their new baby boy Knight Jones. Her rep added: "Weighing a healthy 7.8 lbs, the beautiful baby boy and his mother are doing wonderful."

No wonder labor took 67 hours. That baby knew what they were going to name him, so he didn't want to come out! Okay, okay, the name isn't bad. It could've been a trillion times worse. Nas could have named him Nasmajesty. You know it crossed his mind.

Besides, sharing your name with a David Hasselhoff character is kind of awesome.

Vadge spent a little quality time with her other child in Milan last night. Vadge took Baby Jesus to Dolce & Gabbana's restaurant Gold where she spoon fed him pureed bananas while gently singing "Choo! Choo! Open the tunnel!" They don't have high chairs at that restaurant, so Baby Jesus had to sit on Vadge's lap.

You know, I still can't get over Vadge's face. HER FACE! It's smoother than Baby Jesus' nalgas. Although, if she doesn't quit it she'll really look like a Kylie Minogue crust filled with roids and boiled cartilage.

As for the last thumbnail below, nothing says #1 fangays like felt hearts and shellacked dingle berries. I love how the dude in the hat clearly lost a bet.

Molly Ringwald, or "the ginge from that old movie about detention" for those of you born after 1990, had matching baby friends on Friday in Los Angeles. Molly made the twin babies with her hot piece husband, Panio Gianopoulos. They join 5-year-old sister Mathilda Ereni.

NOW FOR THE NAMES! Unfortunately, she didn't name 'em Duckie and Grandma Helen. Molly's spokeswhore told UsWeekly that she named the girl twin Adele Georgiana and the boy twin Roman Stylianos.

You know Bobby Trendy (Government name: Raymond John Muro) is going to punch himself in the taint for not coming up with the name "Roman Stylianos" for himself. Roman Stylianos sounds like the name of faaaaabulous fictional fashion designer on Ugly Betty. Yes, I know it's a Greek name. Don't throw Feta at me!

Hayden Pantaloons arrived at a screening for her movie I Love You, Beth Cooper in NYC last night baby-less. When she left the screening, she suddenly had an adorable babeh friend in her arms. Now, this is the same movie where Hayden drops her towel and reveals her "baby beluga whale on internet-bought roids" body. You do the second grade math. That baby isn't sleeping, she straight-up blacked out when Hayden's half-nekkid body came on the big screen! When she woke up and realized a troll was carrying her ass, she probably passed out again! Babies are smart enough to realize that trolls eat their finger nails and hair for dinner.

My favorite morning drunky, Kathie Lee Gifford, was also there with her daughter Cassidy. I'm sure K-Lee passed out too in the middle of the movie, but you can blame Lady Chardonnay for that one.

SJP and her pocket gay have released a picture of their adorable week-old twin pink Band-Aids! Why are SJP, Matthew and James Wilke all staring at the one of the left? Does she have a snot bubble in her nose or something? Do people always stare at babies like that? No wonder they always have their eyes closed, because hos are always in their damn business.

And if Matthew continues to hold his new daughter like that, she's going to be a skilled yoga babeh by the time she's 1. Homegirl is almost touching her toes with the top of her head. What is that pose called?

That's why I don't like holding BABIES!!! Holding babies is hard.

That picture of the twin messiahs! HA! If the "second coming of Jesus" job doesn't work out for them, they should really star in old timey silent-movies. They have the "SHOCK! WHA?! WHO? BAM!" face down. Mary Pickford wishes! Now on to business.

Ever since a chorus of angels carried the twin chosen ones down from heaven on a bed made from God's beard, we haven't seen much of them. I figured they were too busy finding the cure for cancer in their own saliva or writing the sequel to War & Peace. Life & Style says this isn't the case. According to some sources, Knox is bulimic and Vivi is allergic to peons. Basically.

The source said, "They’re both hypersensitive. Knox has trouble holding down his food. He spits up nearly every meal." As for Vivi, she has food and environmental allergies, "Right now, she’s on a lactose and gluten-free diet, and she’s still underweight. Because of their delicate state, Knox and Vivienne need to be kept away from anything they could possibly be allergic to. That’s a lot easier to do when they’re home and in a controlled environment.”

Yeah, some of this is hard to believe. Messiahs don't eat food. They just lick themselves for sustenance. You know, the whole "body of Christ" thing. However, I do believe that they are allergic to us "normal" people. It probably stings their holy eyes when they have to look at commoners who don't have glowing halos over their heads.

....and toast to Matthew Broderick and SJP, because they are the proud gay parents of twin BABIES!!!!! WTRF says that their surrogate popped out matching girls at East Ohio Regional Hospital in Martins Ferry late last night. Yeah, they had to use a leased baby oven, because Matthew's peen shrinks like a salty slug every time it gets near a pussay.

Matthew and SJP are supposed to make some kind of official announcement this afternoon. If they don't include names in their announcement, I will stalk every glory hole in Manhattan (yes, I'll be there anyway) until I find Matthew so that I can shave his prized hairy pork chops off his face!

I'm guessing that Matthew wants to name the girls Liza and Judy, but SJP has Flicka and Seabiscuit in mind. Liza Flicka and Judy Seabiscuit it is!

For being such a mega stoner, I would think that Matthew McConaughey spermies weren't in a rush to get back to work after making a baby with Camila Alves a few months ago. I would think they would just want to hang out on Camila's ovaries, shoot the shit, lay around and not even bother trying to break into one of those egg things. Too much work. But they have proven me wrong, because Camila is baking a baby! Yeah, isn't that sweet? Father and child are baking at the same time!

Matthew announced the news on his website (which is a bong hit in itself): "Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother... Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows and we thank you all for the well wishes you send our way. Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin."

Viva la evolucion! Ha. Do I have to be fully stoned to understand that last sentence? If so, pass me a joint and light it up.

Anyway, congratulations to Matthew! It will be nice for him to have another human around all the time who has arms shorter than his own. When Matthew can't reach the syrup in the middle of the table, his new baby friend can look at him with eyes that say, "Sigh Neither can I." Matthew will never feel alone!

VIA People

On People, there's this headline: Gisele Bündchen Is Pregnant. On UsWeekly, there's this headline: Tom Brady Falls Out of Kayak, Teacher "Saves" Him. Related? DUH! Tom will do whatever he can to stay away from pregnant bitches! Just have Bridget Moynahan over for Crystal Light and she'll tell you all about it.

You know Tom is going to claim he has amnesia and doesn't remember marrying Gis or making a babeh with her. He's going to pull some "Who Huh Wha" shit!

Gis should've watched THIS for pointers and pretended she didn't know she was pregnant until her baby splashed into the toilet while she was going to the bathroom.

While Madonna is awaiting for DHL to deliver her fifth child, her fourth child is in Brazil selling his goods for a dollar during Sao Paulo Fashion Week. Baby Jesus used to make my nipples chirp, but now the thought of Madonna's callous clit rubbing all over his face has made my entire body go limp for him. Oh, who am I fooling? I'd still whistle "I Don't Know How To Love Him?" into his peen hole.

That fugpack Baby Jesus is wearing is going to come in handy. Those front pockets provide him easier access to Vadge's Replens whenever she screams for it.