Stepford Katie won't be the only inanimate object with a child, because Julie Chen announced this morning that she's knocked up. The 39-year-old Asian robot host of Big Brother and The Early Show said that she's due in October. This is her first baby bot with husband and boss Les Moonves. 60-year-old Les already has three big ass children of his own from his first wife. The same wife he left The Chenbot for! He couldn't resist her animatronic cooch.
The Chenbot said that being knocked up will not slow her down. She will host Big Brother this summer as planned. Chenbot should really just rest her nuts and bolts. CBS can use a hologram to host that shit instead. NOBODY will notice. BUT FIRST!
And The Chenbot is totally going to pop out a giant plastic head covered in foundation. Don't be surprised.
For a while there it seemed like BABY!!! production has slowed down. I could freely walk the streets without feeling like a baby was going to terrorize me with its screeches or stare at me like it's ready to suffocate my face with its saliva, but once again I have to protect myself with a diaper over my head and a tub of baby wipes in my hand (wink to Terry Howard), because PROJECT: BABY WORLD TAKEOVER is in full swing. 39-year-old Ellen Pompeo and her husband, Chris Ivery, are having one of those greedy baby creatures!
Ellen's spokeswhore confirms the news to People.
The two met in a grocery store in 2003 and they got married in 2007. This is their first contribution to the BABY ARMY.
Ellen always seemed like such a flimsy little thing with the body of a 90-year-old abuelita who probably falls over after eating a macadamia nut, so bitch better bulk up for baby. IHOP in the morning, Claim Jumper in the afternoon and Chili's at night.
At this point, who knows if the hos at Grey's Anatomy are going to write this shit in or cover her baby zone with a potted plant or the fat head of a patient. I don't watch that wreck for reasons I'd rather not discuss (HEEEEIGGGGGL), so I don't know if that makes sense or not.
As for baby names, I'm thinking Dr. McBaby? Better yet, how about Heiglisastupidcunt Ivery. If Ellen names her baby that, I will worship her until the BABY ARMY finally buries us all in a mountain of caca-filled diapers.
I guess Seal's peen kissed Heidi Klum's rose (sorry), because she's got one of those baby things in her womb again! That's what sources close to the couple say anyway. According to E!, Heidi's baby has been cooking for around 4 months.
This baby friend will be her fourth child and her third with Seal. They already have two sons with reaaaaaaallly long names, 3-year-old Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and 2-year-old Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel. Damn, my eyeballs are heaving and shit from reading those two hundred mile long names. Heidi's 4-year-old daughter with Italian money bags Flavio Briatore has a much shorter name, Helene Klum. Do you think Leni feels inadequate with such a short name?
The seventh season of Project Runway will start shooting this summer, so Heidi will be really fat in all of the episodes. Oh, I can't wait for the maternity challenge, because you know it's coming. I hope they make the contestants use diapers as fabric and OctoMommy can be a judge.
Anyway, congrats to these fuck fiends! Heidi should remember to save her baby's placenta for a little placentaschnitzel.
Here's Heidi with her kids in NYC yesterday.
This week alone I've read that St. Angie and her slave man have broken up, that slave man is talking to the Susan Boyle of America again and that St. Angie is going to buy a baby friend from the Philippines. Well, today comes a rumor from Star Magazine that St. Angie Jo has another chosen one growing in her holy womb! Actually, this rumor might be a fact because Star put it in caps, italics and dropped an explanation point after that. If you ask KANYE WEST, that means it is a FACT!
A "family insider" said Angie Jo is about two months knocked up with baby number seven, "She's thrilled. She said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" But she kept the news from Brad, only telling him when he returned from a trip to New Orleans at the end of March." Of course she knew. She knows everything. God probably called Angie on her personal line and said, "You know what time it is."
Brangie's new baby might be a Band-Aid chosen one, because the two were stating to hate each other. Basically. The source said, "They'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible. It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them."
Blah! Blah! Blah! You know, I bet Shiloh is sitting in her ivory tower and bitching to her imaginary friend about this shit! There was a time when she was the only messiah and now there's going to be four of them! Chosen ones are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays!
And after hearing this news, OctoMommy immediately stuffed her mouth with dozens of IVF needles. Did I say mouth? I meant vagina.
Josh Holloway from Lost and his wife Yessica brought their first baby, a girl, into this cruel world in Hawaii last week. A source close to Josh said the family is happy, healthy, blah...blah..blah... The source also told People they named their daughter Java Kumala Holloway.
Okay, this I don't get. Josh's wife's name is Yessica. Yessica has to be the greatest name right next to Concepcion. They should have named their baby Yessica! We need more Yessicas in this world. I mean, Java?! Really? However, it is a delicious name.
Try this today. Go to your nearest Starbucks, stroll up to the counter and say, "I'd like a Venti ice-blended Java Kumala Holloway with extra whip and chocolate drizzle." The Starbucks bitch won't even flinch while ringing you up.
As expected, the Duggars made a special announcement on Today this morning. No, they didn't announce that Michelle's uterus finally quit that bitch and they are offering a reward for its safe return. Unfortunately, that was not the announcement. As most of us guessed, Josh Duggar, the oldest ho, is having a BABY!!! with the newest Duggar baby machine Anna. Anna said she's about 3-months knocked up. And it starts......
Josh, 21, and Anna, 20, both said that they are hoping for a large family. When Meredith asked their asses if they were planning to follow the Duggar tradition of beginning their children's names with a specific letter, Josh said they weren't sure, but they have talked about using the letter M. THE FUCK?! I think it's only appropriate that they name their first born MAH GOD STOP THIS INSTANITY DUGGAR.
You know, I hope Michelle's lady parts had a quiet conversation with Anna's lady parts about its future as a broke down clown car. Anna's vagina has no idea that in about 10 years, after queefing out a baby army, it's going to need to be held together with duct tape and propped up with steel planks.
This news confirms that in about ten years, the world will be covered in Duggars. Everywhere we go, there will be a creepy smile and baby hongray eyes looking back at us. The cult known as Duggar is not slowing down.
I'm serious about the creepy smile part. While watching them this morning, my eyelashes nearly fell off out of fear. Imagine waking up to that every morning. My Sanka would need an extra shot of heroin just to deal.
It seems like all the crack, heroin, freon, battery acid and (insert every drug name here), didn't kill Blaaaaaaake's sperm, because the dude has possibly created a fetus. That's what a 31-year-old jobless heroin addict and mother of 2 claims. Child Protective Services please stand by. You will be needed in 3...2...
Gilleen Morris has told The News of the World that she is six weeks pregnant with Blaaake's baby. Amy Wino's husband began putting his crack pipe in Gilleen's heroin box last February after they met in rehab. They did gross and unprotected things together for about three weeks until they were caught. That's when the nastiness ended. Gilleen said she never knew this would happen. HOW IZ BABEHZ GETS MADE?
Gilleen said Blaaake only talked about Wino a few times and said he was never going back to her.
Shortly after they started doing fucky times together (the visual makes cockroaches barf), Gilleen found out she was knocked up. When Gilleen got out of the rehab, she went to the doctor and he confirmed that she was carrying a dragon chasing baby! When she told Blaaaake the news, at first he said "OH FUCK" and then he said he would help her raise their child. Such sweet poetry, right?
Gilleen's first instinct was to get an abortion, but isn't sure what to do now after hearing Blaaaake would support her. The heroin head said, "Life as single mum wouldn't be good. I raised two kids before as a single mum and it was very tough. I'm older now, but every day is a challenge to stay off heroin. Once I've met Blake again face to face I'll decide what to do. He's too young to settle down, but if he could be a good parent that's something different. It would be good for him. Having a child gives you a new outlook on life. You see things differently. Blake would want to protect the baby. It could help beat his drug problems."
What in the fuck?! Does she think she's going to give birth to Dr. Drew or some shit?! Babies don't cure crackheads! If anything they make that shit worse. Babies want to make you hit the bad shit with all their crying and pooping! She should know. She has two kids already and still a junked-up twat.
Nothing good can come from this! Gilleen could very well give birth to a giant mole filled with heroin! Then Wino will come and snort it up! Or worse, Gilleen and Blaaaaake will try to raise the poor baby! Eventually, they would try to sell it for an 8-ball! Vadge needs to adopt it. That's the only way.
There's also a good chance that a) she's not knocked up (crackheads tend to lie for a quick buck) or b) (read this in your best Maury Povo voice) Blaaaake isn't even the father!!!
I haven't thought of Sarah Michelle Gellar or Freddie Prinze Jr. in forever, but when I read that they are having a BABY!!!, I immediately thought of the fuckery they did to Scoopy Doo! Speaking of shit that is best enjoyed with a bong (see below). Damn. Freddie should never attempt that hair again. He looked like he was one step closer to dethroning Scotland's #1 Male Barbie. Anyway, back to the baby at hand.
One of Sarah and Freddie's loud-mouthed friends told People that she's having a baby friend in the fall. The friend added, "They're very excited." At least they aren't "over the you know what," but just once I want to read, "It was a mistake. They aren't very happy about it."
Sarah, 31, and Freddie, 33, have been married for six long years. This is their first human creation together. When they first legally handcuffed themselves to each other, I didn't think it would last that long. I was one of those "I give it a quick minute" people. But they have proven me wrong! Because of this, I will watch House of Yes this weekend and pretend like Freddie gave a good performance.
If they have a girl, they have to name her Buffy. If they have a boy, they have to name him Spike. Those are their only choices. Actually, that's kind of cliche and boring. So if they have a boy, they have to name him Buffy. If they have a girl, they have to name her Spike. Yeah, that's better.
Trista and Ryan, the mannequins made in the ABC Bachelorette Factory, had a baby child in Colorado yesterday. Their second baby child is female and they named her Blakesley Grace Sutter. No, I didn't drunk type that shit. They really named her Blakesley. I can't pronounce that shit without spraying my screen with jizz discharge. I'm guessing one of those dumb whores wanted Blake and the other skank really wanted Chelsy, so they married the two together. Those two pieces of boiled turnip probably thought it was so fucking ingenious.
Blakesley sounds like the name of a department store in the Midwest that is known for their extensive collection of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans as well as for their side-eye giving salespeople. It's Trista and Ryan's way of trying to be oh-so-different. Trista, stick to wearing red underwear on Sundays as a way to spice up your boring life and leave your child out of it!
Trista also felt like she should tell Life & Style that Blakesley will be her last child, because she's getting the Essure permanent birth control procedure. Damn! How many coins did Essure drop in Trista's purse to plug their asses? OctoMommy would be proud.
While she's at it, Trista should also get the STFU permanent procedure on her mouth.
JLo and Skeletor have proven us all wrong! They were supposed to announce their separation during some kind of weird musical duet at Skeletor's concert on Valentine's Day, but that never went down and they are STILL married. Some whores told Gatecrasher they are trying to make their tortured animal of a marriage work, but there's problems. Skeletor wants to fill the world more zombie babies and JLo wants a career. Don't choke on the "career" part. It's not polite.
One source said, "Jennifer feels like Marc is holding her career back, and she was sick of his social butterfly mentality while she stayed at home with the twins (MK Note: HA! Ask her where exactly the nursery is and you'll get a mean side-eye back). There are times when she’s had it, and close to ending it. She’ll throw down her ring and say, ‘That’s it.’ But when Marc realizes he’s about to lose her, he comes right back to Mommy. She enhances his life — she’s a huge star and good for him, and he does love her. And really, all their fighting makes for some fiery passion in the bedroom.”
The source went on to chirp, “She will never give up the red carpet, and certainly doesn’t want to be barefoot and pregnant, locked down or locked up. She wants to give [1-year-olds Max and Emme] siblings, but she loves the attention of the spotlight. She does not want to be a stay-at-home mom.”
Um, isn't that what nannies are for? You can have it all! When you pop them out, you take a pretty picture with them for People, collect your check, hand them to the nanny and then go back to being a huge star or whatever. JLo knows this!
And Skeletor isn't holding her career back! There's a little disease called Notalent-itis holding her back. Not to mention that other disease she also suffers from called Massiveego-tosis. The only cure is to sit down and stay there.
Here's JLo and the Zombie in Black leaving The Box in NYC last night.