BABIES!!!

Yesterday in Italy, Vadge celebrated her 51st birthday by taking all the mouths she feeds out for a little boat road to a big yacht. Once they got the yacht, Vadge changed into her sexy granny swimsuit and made out with Baby Jesus in front of everyone. When Vadge sucked the life out of Baby Jesus, everyone's stomach shriveled down into a raisin and then fell out of their asses. But hey, it was Vadge's birthday, so she can make people feel vommy if she wants to!

And Vadge's old-timey parasol isn't just decoration, vampire zombie skin cannot be directly exposed to sunlight for more than a few seconds. So don't make fun! But seriously, this whole thing looks so fucking bizarre. I mean, Vadge's veiny log arms, her swim shorts, Baby Jesus, the fluffy white dog, all those children, the old timey parasol.... It's like I'm watching a David Lynch movie while on shrooms.

This news is going to make OctoMommy swallow a fertility clinic whole, because bitch is going to have to step up her baby game. The Sun says that a woman in Tunisia is about to turn her snatch into a popcorn machine by giving birth to 12 BABIES!!!!! And if you just queefed, that was your uterus dry heaving.

Doctor confirmed that the human baby machine's instant child army will consist of six boys and six girls. The woman conceived the babies after going through a series of fertility treatments. The soon-to-be DodecaMommy wants to give birth naturally, but doctors have told her that her pussy will literally explode. That's exactly what he said, the doctor said, "Mam, I am a doctor and my medical expertise tells me that your pussy will explode. Literally." Not to mention, that if she turns her vag tunnel into a water slide, Raging Waters will file a copyright infringement lawsuit against her.

The father of the babies told the press, "In the beginning, we thought that my wife would give birth to twins, but more fetuses were discovered. Our joy increased with the growing number."

Yeah, as they were crying tears of joy, her lady parts were crying tears of pain. If Miss Clown Car Conductor is wondering why there's a white flag sticking out of her vagina, somebody should tell her that it's her uterus begging for MERCY.

The media is continuing its search for the biological mother and/or father of all of Michael Jackson's children. Yeah, I thought the mystery was solved when Claire Cruise came forward claiming to be their mother. But apparently, The Mirror didn't get the memo, because they say Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother is a Mexican nurse named Helena and they say the egg donor was an unknown woman who was paid $3,500. Um. That "unknown woman's" real fake name is CLAIRE CRUISE. Get it right!

According to their asses, this Helena woman was paid $20,000 to carry Blanket. The sperm came from Michael and again, the egg from an unknown donor. Some source added, “He chose Helena because she had a latino background but she was also a US citizen and had quite fair skin. She was around 5ft 4ins, slim, aged around 30 and had long, dark, straight hair. He said she was strait-laced, almost a girl next door type. There were no dramas with her. She knew what she had to do and got on with it.”

Here's a video of Claire denouncing The Mirror for not acknowledging her. Okay, the video is actually of her proposing marriage to Leonardo DiCaprio, but since she effed up the sound it can be whatever you want. Shit, pretend she's announcing to the world that she's the mother of all of us! Don't forget to get her a gift next Mother's Day!

Kate Hudson has been a regular fixture at Yankee games for a little while now. Below are pictures of Kate with the other baseball players' girlfriends and also at a different game with Goldie and Kurt. It seems like shit is getting real between Kate and A-Roidy. It's getting so real that Kate is ready to have a roid baby with him.

A source tells InTouch Magazine, “She just turned 30 and she’s ready to have her second child. She wants Ryder to have a sibling, so she brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility." The source added that A-Roidy told her he's just not ready for another kid, but Kate is still pressing the issue.

Okay, Kate actually thinks they will make a "beautiful baby" together? Bitch really is dickmatized. With her dwarf-like features and his roidy sperm, their baby will look like this:

If that doesn't make Kate eat birth control pills by the hundreds, I don't know what will.

Jennifer Hudson, who never officially came out and shouted "I'VE GOT A BABEH IN MY WOMB," gave birth to a baby friend yesterday evening. E! says that JHud's new baby is a boy and weighed in at in at 7 pounds, 14 ounces. JHud's new baby was named after his father. No, his name isn't Punk From I Love New York Jr., they named him David Daniel Otunga Jr.

This is JHud and Punk's first baby. They are planning to get married sometime this year.

Congrats to JHud, Punk and David Jr.! When David Jr. has settled in, he should meet Captain Maddox at the gate to begin training with the child army. It won't be long now before they take over the world and make us all their prisoners.

That's because Elisabeth Hasselcrack is going on maternity leave after queefing a baby out yesterday afternoon in New York. UsWeekly says that Elisabeth and her husband Tim now have a baby boy they named Isaiah Timothy. Isaiah is the third Hasselbeck child after 4-year-old Grace and 20-month-old Tyler.

Congratulations to Whoopi and Joy on their ears getting a little vacation from Elisabeth's hyena screeching. I hope that while Elisabeth is off annoying her newborn baby, The View saves some money IN THIS ECONOMY and replace her ass on the cheap with one of these choices: a bobble head doll that melted in the sun, Ann Coulter's strap-on or a janky boombox playing a warped tape of Glenn Beck's amazing "GET OFF MY PHONE" rant.

And you know that Isaiah's first order of business is to learn how to use a phone so that he can call a lawyer and get those emancipation papers going.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, Xtina put on her day make-up (3 pounds of creamy foundation made from the blended down skins of virgins and six layers of the Mattel-brand lacquer they use to paint Barbie's lips) to take Baby Max out shopping for clothes. Baby Max had to wear sunglasses to hide a tiny black eye. It happens. You have too much to drink and accidentally bump into an annoying ass coffee table while crawling to your crib. Kids do it all the time.

But somebody should have told Max that he could have easily covered up that black eye just by wiping against his mother's cheek. BAM! Just like that, black eye concealed! Maybe he already knew this, but didn't want to waste one full day soaking his face in a bowl of paint remover and vinegar just to get all the make-up off.

Ricky Martin is the father of twinsies, born via a leased baby oven, and today he Twittered a picture of one of his babeh's first baths! Sweet. But it looks tiring. Do you really have to hold the baby AND pour a plastic cup full of water over their head at the same time? Ugh. I'd rather just fill that cup with vodka and go have a DRANK somewhere quiet. Hmmm...I wonder if baby shampoo makes a good mixer?

Call off the search (I'm shouting that to an empty room)!!! The mother of Jude Law's fourth baby friend has been revealed and it's not Rachel McAdams' sister (cue Rachel busting into Bro Franklin's offering time dance). The woman Jude sprinkled his seed in is 24-year-old model/actress/Tool Time Girl reject Samantha Burke.

Sources say DNA tests confirmed that the baby is in fact Jude's. Samantha's attorney released this statement to TMZ: "Ms. Burke can confirm that she did in fact have a relationship with Mr. Law and that she has informed Mr. Law that she is expecting his child later this fall. Since informing Mr. Law of the pregnancy, he has been nothing but responsive and supportive of Ms. Burke and the pregnancy."

TMZ also found Samantha's lonely registry at Babies'R Us. It says she's going to have a girl on October 6th named Cash Ka-Ching Money. No, she's going to name her Sophia.

Sarah Larson, I hope that you can hear me from whatever club bathroom stall you're passed out in when I scream, "THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE!" Samantha Burke cashed her check!

If you care, click here to see Samantha's modeling portfolio.

Jude "I Swear I'll Pull Out In Time" Law announced that he has a fourth baby coming around the bend this Fall, but wouldn't say who he knocked up. YourTango (via Star) is saying that Rachel McAdams' younger sister, Hilary Swank Kayleen, is the woman who is brewing a little Jude Law baby in her womb. Apparently, Jude and Kayleen did fucky times last year without the help of a baby batter catcher mit.

They met in NYC when Kayleen came to visit her sister on the set of Sherlock Holmes. This might solve this blind item from CDAN:

This B+/A- movie actor had a great relationship with his C list movie actress co-star on one of his recent movies. It didn't lead to anything romantic for them, but the actress did invite her sister to the set. Well one thing led to the other and the next thing you know the sister of the C list actress was pregnant. When our actor found out, he dumped the sister and is saying the child isn't his. It made for a VERY tense time between the actress and the actor on their recent promotional tour.

However, Jude's spokeswhore told Life & Style that Kayleen McAdams IS NOT THE MOTHER.

A source told Life & Style that Jude did meet his baby mama in NYC while he was filming SH in January, but that it was just one of those "fuck, dump and bounce" sort of things. After Jude left town, the woman found out she had a case of the babies. She contacted Jude's publicist, they got a DNA test and that's that! The source went on to say, "The two of them are by no means together, but Jude isn't being a jerk about being a father. He's willing to take responsibility for his baby. And she's definitely keeping it. She's probably about seven months along right now."

Whoever, the lady is, she should name the baby Sherlock. It's the right thing to do. Homegirl should also stick a few Propecia pills in her vag, so the baby can grab 'em and eat 'em. I mean, look at Jude's "gone north" hairline. You can't be too careful!