BABIES!!!

On People, there's this headline: Gisele Bündchen Is Pregnant. On UsWeekly, there's this headline: Tom Brady Falls Out of Kayak, Teacher "Saves" Him. Related? DUH! Tom will do whatever he can to stay away from pregnant bitches! Just have Bridget Moynahan over for Crystal Light and she'll tell you all about it.

You know Tom is going to claim he has amnesia and doesn't remember marrying Gis or making a babeh with her. He's going to pull some "Who Huh Wha" shit!

Gis should've watched THIS for pointers and pretended she didn't know she was pregnant until her baby splashed into the toilet while she was going to the bathroom.

While Madonna is awaiting for DHL to deliver her fifth child, her fourth child is in Brazil selling his goods for a dollar during Sao Paulo Fashion Week. Baby Jesus used to make my nipples chirp, but now the thought of Madonna's callous clit rubbing all over his face has made my entire body go limp for him. Oh, who am I fooling? I'd still whistle "I Don't Know How To Love Him?" into his peen hole.

That fugpack Baby Jesus is wearing is going to come in handy. Those front pockets provide him easier access to Vadge's Replens whenever she screams for it.

Don't ask me why I was such a huge Wilson Phillips fangay when I was a kid in the early 90s. They were like the greatest thing to me. None of my friends understood, but their moms did. I remember singing along with one of my friends' mothers to "Impulsive." I even choreographed a dance number to it and showed it off to her on the driveway of her house. And I wonder why the other kids threw sand at me whenever I passed them in the playground.

Because I had such a strange fascination with Chyna, Carnie Asada and that other one, I still get excited whenever I see one of their names pop up anywhere. Carnie Asada's name is making the rounds today, because she had a BABEH!!!!!!!

UsWeekly says that Carnie and her totally heterosexual husband Rob Bonfigilio welcomed a new baby girl into this miserable world on Friday in Los Angeles. Carnie and Rob named her Luciana Bella. They also have a 4-year-old daughter named Lola Sofia.

Luciana Bell and Lola Sofia? Did Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey name them? Spoiler Alert: Teresa is totally going to name her next kid Luciana Bella Lola Sofia.

Congratulations to Carnie and her husband (HE LOVES VAGINA). After bonging and boozing tonight, I will try to perform my Ballet de Impulsive in her honor.

Kelis is broke, or at least she's pretending that her checking account is on life support. TMZ reports that Kelis has been forced to put her change cup in front of Nas' face and is begging him to pay for everything! Kelis' lawyer filed papers claiming that her estranged husband isn't paying for dick even though he has more money than Quween on the Scene.

Kelis wants spousal support, child support, 50% of medical expenses, $20,000 for supplies for their unborn baby and another $3,500 for a baby nurse.

Kelis says that while married to Nas, she became used to bathing in diamonds and wiping her ass with $100 bills. She writes, "There were many expensive pieces [of jewelry] such as a princess-cut diamond tennis bracelet that was recently appraised for $190,000. My engagement ring is an approximately nine-carat cushion-cut diamond solitaire. I have numerous watches...such as Cartier, Rolex, Frank Muller and Chopard." Kelis went on to moan, "My survival is based on [Nas'] will at this time. If he does not want to pay for an expense, it does not get paid."

It sounds like it's time for Kelis to take her milkshake to the local pawn shop and sell some shit! Actually, I don't mean that. I'd be just like Kelis. I'd empty all my checking accounts, stuff the money in shoe boxes hidden under my bed and then claim that I'm poor so that my ex could pay up. If that didn't work, you'd see me in line at the WIC office with a baby in one arm and my other arm covered in diamonds.

Bitch is doing everything she can to keep from going to the place where all celebwhores run to for a quick check: Dancing with the Has-Beens.

When Kelly Rutherford gave birth to daughter Helena Grace on Monday night, her 12-year-old gay husband was not present at the time. I figured he wasn't there, because Kelly didn't want someone screaming "I HATE YOU SO MUCH" while she was in labor. I think you're supposed to keep calm and shit.

Well, Daniel Giersch tells People that he wasn't there to witness the birth of his baby, because nobody called him. Daniel found out on the internet. That has to be awkward. Daniel was probably going online to get his nut on to some hot gay action on SeanCody.com when he read that he was a new father. That's a total boner breaker.

Daniel wasn't happy that some stories claimed he didn't want to be there with Kelly. Daniel issued this statement: "Media reports claiming that I neglected to attend my daughter's birth are total lies and fabrication. I was never informed by Kelly about the birth of our daughter, nor was I invited to attend. In fact, I found out about it through Internet reports like everyone else. Although this sickens me, I am of course overjoyed that our baby was born healthy. I would've wanted nothing more than to hold our newborn daughter for a few moments, and I only seek to coparent both our children responsibly and with love."

Kelly's spokeswhore pulled a response out of her ass and said, "The doctors advised that no one be in the birthing room; Daniel was notified when Helena was born and was immediately invited to come see her."

It's nice to see that these two assholians can put aside their differences for the sake of their newborn babeh. That was served in a waffle cone made of sarcasm.

Why does that headline kind of terrify me? Maybe it's because I don't know if the world can handle another human with a laugh like Kendra's. A laugh that can turn several brain cells to dust in just a few seconds. A laugh that will make you finger fuck your own ears. And now there might be two of those laughs on this planet. Ahhhhh! Jump for your lives!

Kendra tells E! that she's expecting a BABY!!!! with her fiance Hank Baskett. Hmm. That's a creative way to guarantee a second season of her reality show. And I"m guessing she still doesn't know exactly how babies are made. She probably burped during sexy times and thinks that had something to do with it. No worries. When her baby turns 2 or 3, it will explain to Kendra how it was made.

Kendra went on to blab, "Hank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child together. We are touched by the outpouring of support by our family, friends and fans." Kendra and Hank are due to get married on June 27th at the Playboy Mansion.

Holly Madison was supposed to be there, but she'll probably be busy mumbling to herself and slowly tearing out her own weave in a padded cell somewhere after she hears that Kendra got knocked up before she did. So if you see Holly carrying around a little ball of weave hair and cooing to it like it's her baby, just politely smile and quickly look away.

With all this OctoMom and Jon & Kate fuckery going on I completely forgot that the Pregnant Dude was knocked up with his second child. Well, ABC News reports that Thomas Beatie and his wife Nancy have a new baby son that was born earlier today. Their first child, Susan Juliette, was born last June.

They haven't decided on a name yet, but they have decided that Nancy would be tittyfeeding their new son. Some source-type also said it was a natural birth. I guess that means the baby came out of his peen hole. It happens. Bigger things have come out of my peen hole before. There I go again. Ruining some beautiful with gutter talk.

Enough of me. Congratulations to Pregnant Dude and Big Butch Nancy! I'm sure we'll learn all about their new baby in a 10-hour long special hosted by Barbara Walters followed by a People Magazine cover spread.

Megan Lewis Mancini aka Kelly Rutherford gave birth to a female BABY!!!! in Los Angeles last night, but her estranged husband, Daniel Giersch, was not there to celebrate their new bundle of joy. Danny Boy wasn't there, because he probably would've strangled Kelly's ass while a baby head was coming out of her snatch. The two hate HATE hate each other in the worst way.

Daniel and Kelly are currently involved in a dirty, filthy, messy custody battle. It's gotten so gross that Kelly even asked a judge to bar her husband from potty training their two-and-a-half-year-old son Hermes. Daniel also complained to a judge that he didn't think it was right that Kelly was still breastfeeding their son. And these people had another a child together.....

Radar says that the name of Kelly's baby friend has been released yet. Since Kelly and Daniel named their son after a luxury brand, I'm guessing they are going to stick with that theme and name their daughter Jean Nate or Gloria Vanderbilt.

UPDATE: Life & Style says Kelly has named her new daughter Helena Grace Rutherford Giersch. She did keep with the luxury brand theme by naming her daughter after chocolates I used to sell in elementary school.

Lance Armstrong's girlfriend, Anna Hansen, popped out a baby and he has already made his internet debut. Last night, Lance's new son Max Twittered about his birth and even posted a picture of himself. Max: "Wassup, world? My name is Max Armstrong and I just arrived. My Mommy is healthy and so am I!"

You know, whenever I go see a friend or relative who has just had a baby it's usually the same thing. They hold up their week old ball of preciousness and say to me, "Isn't he/she the most cutest baby you've ever seen?" I clear my throat, blink several times, think of fluffy kittens frolicking in the fields and then lie my ass off by saying, "DUH! Of course!" For me, most newborns look like they are going to grab you with their claws, climb on your head and eat your brains before retreating to their home planet. Which makes sense since they've been living in another human's body for 9 months! It's all kind of science fiction-like. It takes them a couple of weeks to settle in and get all the womb meat out of their eyes.

And Max is already a genius, because he's not even a week old and he already knows how to Twitter! Blowing my mind.

VIA People

Whitney Houston's got a new album and Bobby Brown's got a new baby! I think we're supposed to do the doody bubble boogie for the first one and cry for the second one. Let's cuddle up to Whitney first:

KISS MY ASS' first album of music in seven years will be released on September 1st. That's all the information that the studio released. They didn't give up a title or say how many tracks she sang while on the wrong stuff. JOKES! As far as I know, Whitney has ended her long affair with the pipe. However, I think she's still kissing on Ray-J's deformed dick, so I'm not sure which is worse. Ponder for a second.

Now on to Bobby Beeeeeeeeee! While leaving a night club in Las Vegas last night, Bobby told TMZ that he's a father for the fifth time! Bobby's manager/fuck time partner gave birth to their son, Cassius, a few days ago.

That's nice and everything, but when are Whit & Bobby B going to get to work on the project everybody has been waiting for: Season 2 of Being Bobby Brown! Doody bubbles have been waiting to be popped! Just look at this remix FourFour did of the show. I know Whit & Bobby B aren't knocking it anymore, but the world of reality TV is depending on them to reunite for more fuckery. They really don't make 'em like this anymore.