BABIES!!!

Whitney Houston's got a new album and Bobby Brown's got a new baby! I think we're supposed to do the doody bubble boogie for the first one and cry for the second one. Let's cuddle up to Whitney first:

KISS MY ASS' first album of music in seven years will be released on September 1st. That's all the information that the studio released. They didn't give up a title or say how many tracks she sang while on the wrong stuff. JOKES! As far as I know, Whitney has ended her long affair with the pipe. However, I think she's still kissing on Ray-J's deformed dick, so I'm not sure which is worse. Ponder for a second.

Now on to Bobby Beeeeeeeeee! While leaving a night club in Las Vegas last night, Bobby told TMZ that he's a father for the fifth time! Bobby's manager/fuck time partner gave birth to their son, Cassius, a few days ago.

That's nice and everything, but when are Whit & Bobby B going to get to work on the project everybody has been waiting for: Season 2 of Being Bobby Brown! Doody bubbles have been waiting to be popped! Just look at this remix FourFour did of the show. I know Whit & Bobby B aren't knocking it anymore, but the world of reality TV is depending on them to reunite for more fuckery. They really don't make 'em like this anymore.

My eyes were hoping to read that "Rhynstone Sara Lee Hounsou" is the name of Kimodo Dragon's baby, but she has disappointed me. Kimora and Djimon actually gave their baby a cute name (or maybe I've had too much Sanka this afternoon). Page Six says their 4-day-old son has been named Kenzo Lee Hounsou.

They named him after fashion designer Kenzo Takada. Kenzo is Kimodo's third kid. She has two daughters with Russell Simmons, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee.

Kenzo, Ming and Aoki? Get out the spandex, alert Hello Kitty and roll out the synthesizer, because they will soon be the world's newest J-Pop sensation.

Picture a tiny human chilling out in a hospital somewhere with cashmere diapers over his nalgas and a canary diamond-covered beanie on his head. He really exists, because Kimuumuu gave birth to him yesterday morning in Los Angeles. This is the first baby Kimora and Djimon Hounsou made together. Kimora also has two daughters, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee, with Russell Simmons.

When Kimora's vagina area started percolating, she Twittered that she was about to pop. You know, since Twittering that your pussy is about to combust is the new thing. Kimora wrote: "It's time!! No turning back! At hospital in labor right now!! Having contractions now! Ooo- wee! It's like WHOA! Love & Light, KLS." 16 hours later, she updated everyone: "It's a boy! Thanks to everyone out there for all your well wishes! More to come. Thank God. And God Bless! Kimora + Djimon Love & Light, KLS"

Kimora even posted the picture below of her in the hospital. Her personal Photoshop artists must have been pissed that she made them work on the weekend, because you know she had that shit touched.

And unfortunately, Kimora and Djimon didn't announce a name. I'm hoping for Kimomo Diamante Lee or Kimoramon.

World famous panty model Adriana Lima and her basketball-playing husband Marko Jaric are expecting their first baby friend together. Adriana, who once claimed she was saving her vagina for marriage, is due this winter. Adriana and Marko were married on Valentine's Day of this year in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

A rep for the two issued the same generic statement that's used for every celebrity pregnancy: "Adriana and Marko are overjoyed that they are expecting their first child together and are excited to share the happy news and start their family together." Okay, maybe it wasn't that generic. I mean, they didn't they say they were over the "you know what." The rep must have tweaked it a little bit. It gets an A+++ from me for that reason alone.

I know Adriana Lima is a supermodel who gets paid millions because she's beautiful, but I hope the baby looks nothing like her! I hope baby looks EXACTLY like Marko. Well, in the eyes anyway. Seriously, if baby gets its father's eyes, it will look exactly like a real-life Milhouse Van Houten! Adorable!

The rumor that a new spawn of Gibson will soon be upon us has been confirmed as TRUE! The old crazy goat made jokes with Jay Leno about it on the Tonight Show last night. It may be a bag full of LOLs to him, but nobody else is laughing. The only way we'll laugh is if Mel's whore gives birth to a pair of tits made out of sugar or a yarmulke!

29-year-old Oksana Grigorieva will pop out Mel's 8th child sometime this fall. Some source who sounds like they are suffering from a serious case of delusion told People that the pregnancy has nothing to do with the reason why Mel's wife of 28 years filed for divorce. According to the source, nobody knew the ho had a fetus growing inside of her until after the red stamp labeled FILED was branded into the papers.

Mel blames himself for the fact that his marriage turned into dust. Mel told Jay, "My wife and I, our marriage ended three years ago and we've been separated ever since then. When it's all said and done, I did a pretty good hatchet job on my marriage myself. I'm to blame. If you're inclined to judge, put it here."

Mel also said it was true that his trick is knocked up. When Jay joked that this will be his 29th child, Mel said, "Well, actually eight. I guess I'm Octo-Mel." OCTO-MEL?! Do you hear that? It's the sizzling sound of all your ovaries slowly melting. It's bad enough that Mel's whore looks like the IVF baby of OctoMommy and an eel.

Is there somewhere in the Catholic bible that says if you take a hatchet to your marriage and impregnate your Russian mistress, you must be fed to an overgrown raging possum (aka Kate Gosselin's hair)? Because if that isn't in the Catholic Bible, someone (I'm looking at you, Jesus) needs to add that shit now and show it to Mel. This is our way out!

Radar is saying that Gis Bundchen and Tom Brady made a baby friend of their very own. Friends are blabbing that after being married for xx months (I'm too lazy to check the exact number and you don't care anyway), Gis and Tom are expecting their first baby together. Gis is totally going to give birth to a hairy giant chin. The second coming of Tater Head!

Tom already has a baby with Bridget Moynahan. The same baby that Gis says she considers as her own. Cue Bridget screaming, "Filly bitch finally has her own baby to play with!"

While strolling around NYC yesterday, Bronx Mowgli looked at the camera and gave a "Do you see this stupid shit I have to put up with?" face. He's got the "emancipation twinkle" in his eyes. Yeah, Bronx, I can't believe two giant penis people made a human being either.

And don't tell Bronx this, but he sort of looks a little Papa Joe-ish in the face, right? Just what he needs!

Who says you can't be a 3-year-old with hair like Billy Idol (and just a sprinkle of Flock of Seagulls)? Kingston Rossdale has proven them wrong! Yeah, yeah, I know some of you are whining about how babehs shouldn't get covered in peroxide, but beauty is pain. Ask Maddox. And I know some of you are also bitching about the pacifier in his mouth, but it keeps him from crying, because the hair bleach has BURNED HIS FUCKING SCALP!

Brace yourselves! The rumor that Mel Gibson knocked up his OctoCrazy look-a-like whore might be true! Earlier this month, The National Enquirer said that Mel told his estranged wife and his sons that his paid pussy, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant! TMZ is now co-signing that claim and said OctoSana is in her second trimester.

Wouldn't that be hot if she gave birth to a little Jewish man? Then Mel Gibson would explode into a cloud of dust and we'd be rid of his lunatic ass forever.

Seriously, this is not good news for humanity. I need a holy water-tini followed by a few snorts of crushed down communion wafers. However, I will raise a glass to OctoSana, because that shameless bitch is making that cash! SANTO DIOS!!!!

Zoologists from all over the world should gather together to research the mystery that is Kate Gosselin's hair. I've never seen it from the back! Kate has like four animals on her head. She's got an obese beaver, a special needs skunk, a tranny porcupine and a baboon with a shaved-ass. Bitch has Noah's Ark on the top of her head. This is probably why I've become so obsessed with these crazy baby people. It's her hair! It's hypnotizing me. Well that and the fact that she's a big ole' nutsack-killing cunt.

Yesterday, The Gosselins and THE BODYGUARD celebrated the twins' sextuplet's birfday at a park near their house. Of course, the cameras were there to capture every soul-killing side-eye Kate throws to Jon. Kate brought out several pinata and let the kids take turns hitting them. Hmmm. I wonder why she axed her original idea? I thought Kate was going to stuff Jon with candy, hang him up from a tree and let all the kids beat him with a bat.