Deliciousness

Understudy Title: Dunkin' Dosluts
Second Understudy Title: Dunkin' Doze Nuts For A Dollar
Third Understudy Title: Too Many Puns, Too Little Time

When you hit the drive-thru at the Dunkin' Donuts in Rockaway, NJ, you better be specific on whether or not you want the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair or the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair. That's because one of their employees was arrested for selling a side of ass with coffee and bear claws.

29-year-old Dunkin' Donuts employee Melissa Redmond was the star of a six-week-long sting operation called "Extra Sugar" that was set up after police got an "anonymous tip" that she was sucking on anonymous tips in the parking lot. The police started staking out the Dunkin' Donuts and immediately noticed that Melissa, who worked the graveyard shift, would regularly visit cars in the parking lot for a long time. They stepped up the investigation by sending an undercover cop through the drive-thru to try to buy a Coolatta and coochie from Melissa . Melissa allegedly took the bait and passed him her phone number.

Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told the NYDN that the undercover cop parked and waited for Melissa to come out. When Melissa got into his car, she told the cop how much it would cost to squeeze some cream out of his Long John. The undercover cop told her it was too much and she got out of the car. He came back a few nights later and Melissa agreed to lower her prices. The cop told her he was going to go to the ATM to get some cash and that's when she was busted.

Melissa was charged with prostitution whoring.

Oh, Melissa. She almost had a perfect game going. Outdoor hookers are nearly burning their clits off in this heat and forget about selling vagina on Craigslist. That's like walking into a murder scene. Melissa played it smart. Melissa got to hang out in a temperature-controlled Dunkin' Donuts and then take 20 steps to a car parked outside when ho shit duty called. Afterward, she could gargle out the condom taste with iced coffee. It was brilliant...until the ho got caught. Her only mistake is that she didn't shush those cops with some free donuts and a cut of her earnings.

Okay, her other mistake is that she didn't pull some Sweeney Todd shit. With the price of sugar and tap water on the rise (I'm making that up), she should've held on to her johns' used condoms and really put the cream in cream puff. Actually, maybe she did........

Note to self: If I ever find myself at the Dunkin' Donuts in Rockaway, make sure to spit, not swallow.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Instead of writing about how Hugh Hefner is bragging on Twitter that he sticks his overcooked crypt noodle into several vaginas on the weekly, I'm going to share this educational baking video with you. It's the better option for everyone's genitals. This is a hungover Chelsea Handler (this is not a hungover Chelsea Handler) showing you the easiest way to get some creamy coochie on your plate next to putting your creamy coochie on a plate.

I'll just sit here with my bag of mini malt balls and dried apricots while waiting for her to show us how to make anus cupcakes.

via Queerty

The number "69" and the words "hot dog gobbling" are usually used together to describe a typical afternoon for John Travolta, but not this time.

Professional food binge-er Takeru Kobayashi wasn't allowed to swallow cold hot dogs and soggy buns (the story of Hugh Hefner's girlfriend's life) at Nathan's Annual Hot Dog Eating contest in Coney Island today, because he refused to sign an exclusive contract with Major League Eating. So Kobayashi went renegade and held his own contest at the same time as Nathan's on a roof top in Manhattan.

Kobayashi's arch rival Joey Chestnut won Nathan's contest for the 5th year in a row by deep throating 62 hot dogs in 10-minutes. But technically Kobayashi was the world champion hot dog gobbler of the day, because at his event, he made his stomach cry tears of processed meat by filling it with 69 hot dogs, beating Joey's old record of 68. Before pushing out his bloated muscled six-pack, the major league eating equivalent of pounding his chest, Kobayashi said this to the NYDN: "I think I showed them. I'm very happy about my win today but I feel like I'm not at my peak. I think I could go up to 90 or 85."

To which his bowels, b-hole, stomach and the starving children of Ethiopia simultaneously replied with, "Please fucking don't."

Below is the clip of Joey Chestnut and my favorite food eater Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas making delicious hot dogs look not-so-delicious. If you play this backwards in slow motion, that's exactly what their anuses looked like while purging out the digested hot dogs a few hours later. Pained expression and all.

And thank you to Kobayashi for showing us what Jillian Michaels' body would look like if she got knocked up (see picture above).

If you've ever dreamed of seeing the glittery yet dark RPattz up to his eyebrows in pie, your prayers have been answered!! Okay, it's not quite the pronhub shit some of you hookers have been wishing for (I'm pretty sure he doesn't eat that kind of pie) but here he is looking all kinds of delicious on the set of his movie Cosmopolis in Toronto.

Aaaand if you're not a fan, you can point and "AHAHAHAHAAA!! In yo face, bitch!" See, RPattz is so thoughtful. There's something in it for everyone!

Thanks for the pics MK♥!

When you're on a TV show that some people watch, sometimes those some people who watch your TV show on a regular basis and members of the paparazzi see you out in the wild and want to get a little time with you. This is a side-effect that some famous hos embrace and others don't. Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords falls into the latter category. We'd all be mad if we were slowly turning into an exact replica of Peter Jackson, but DAMN, don't take it out on your fans.

Jemaine did not like his fans and the paps crowding around his space in NYC, so he tried to shoo them away by Wicked Witch of the East-ing their asses. But one fan did not appreciate getting doused with a flying cunt bath and retaliated by throwing their tall cup of hot chocolate at Jemaine. That really is the most delicious retaliation ever.

Now that I think about it, Jemaine might have the magic touch. Jesus turned water into wine, but Jemaine turned water into delicious hot chocolate! Now, he just needs to practice more so the hot chocolate goes into his mouth next time.

You know that Hot Slut from this morning who walks 3 miles every day for a complimentary (just for her) cheeseburger from McDonald's? Well, it's a real shame she lives all the way in New Zealand, because she really needs to hook up with this 82-year-old lady who eats a whole large pizza every day. Together they'd party like frat boys with bowels of fucking steel. Although, Lady Domino's story isn't as feel goody Catherine's.

Every single day, the 83-year-old Memphis woman calls in to Domino's as soon as they open and orders a large pepperoni pizza with 2 Diet Cokes. The same shit, different day. She never throws in a side salad (which is basically just old lettuce and a tomato they picked out of the dumpster from the Sizzler down the street) or brownies. Well, one day went by without a call from her. The same thing happened the next day. Finally, on the third day, her regular delivery lady Susan Guy realized that something in the milk ain't clean.

Susan drove to the pizza addict's house, knocked on her windows and eventually called the police when nobody came to the door. It turns out, the woman fell down and couldn't get up! Where was Life Alert when she needed them most! The woman is now in the hospital and Susan is planning to visit her soon with a fresh pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Miss Cleo in me can read all your minds. You're thinking that the woman probably fell because she slipped on the pizza grease that secretes out of her foot pores. NO! Okay, maybe, but what else is she supposed to eat? I've never seen vegetable delivery services or healthy meals pulled out of Gwyneth Paltrow's ass delivery services in the yellow pages, so pizza it is! Besides, she's made it to 82 so she's obviously doing something right. A pizza with a side of NOT GIVING A FUCK a day keeps the doctor away (not including those days that you accidentally fall).

This coming February, Starbucks will release a beast of a monster that will flood your bowels with caffeinated sugar and force your stomach to hit the exit switch and slide to freedom through your asshole. Don't threaten me with a good time, Starbucks!

Starbucks is introducing a new size that is over 300ml larger than a Venti. It's called the Trenta and if you glued a penis-shaped Cheeto to it, it would be Brit Brit's next man husband.

Above is a graphic from The National Post, which shows you that you're going to need a stomach implant if you want to handle everything Trenta has to offer. Or you'll have to drink a Trenta iced coffee while getting a colonic so your stomach doesn't completely combust. It's a small price to pay for caffeine poisoning. And included in that "small price" is a $20 bill, because you know that's what you'll have to hand over for this mess.

You don't want to clog up the landfills with the Trenta, so when you're done with it you can stick a chopstick to the bottom and use it as your new favorite wine goblet!

Here's Trenta's soon-to-be wife visiting McDonald's the other day. There's no need to call Dr. Phil, Brit Brit is not cheating on Starbucks. She was only there to use their bathroom. McDonald's bathroom is way nicer than the gas station's. Their sink usually works so Brit Brit can use it as a bidet!

Who frowns at an innocent and sweet cupcake? Who stares at a cupcake as though it's the reason why their urethra is swollen to the point where the jizz just dribbles out? Who looks down at a cupcake like it's the cause of that annoying ass mosquito buzzing in their ear in the middle of the night and waking them up? KEANU REEVES DOES! Frowning at a cupcake is like frowning at a bowl full of kittens.

It's as if Mel Gibson and White Oprah simultaneously queefed on his cupcake. If something as perfect as a cupcake can't cure Keanu of the chronic sads, then what can?!

In his defense, Keanu is shooting some move called Generation Um, so it's possible that his character is the one who feels nothing when faced with a sugary cake of happiness. But Keanu makes it look so real. STAINS is still putting him on notice.

Who needs to go to the grocery store to buy dumb broccoli for $3 when for just $1 more you can go over to Denny's and bathe your arteries in this deep fried deliciousness right here! This mounds of messiness, which sorts of looks like something from the Bodies Exhibit, is Denny's new Fried Cheese Sandwich. It's four deep fried mozzarella sticks shoved into a sourdough grilled cheese sandwich.

This ticket to a date with a defibrillator pad is served with a side of fries and marinara for dipping. Yes, marinara. That's where Denny's went wrong. They were this close to making it look like a golden god. Fuck tomatoes! Tomatoes are only delicious when served with several layers of baked cheese on top! This death in a sandwich needs to be served with a giant bowl of dipping butter and blended bacon to spread on top of it.

That being said, Kirstie Alley is still going to put on her eatin' teddy and make sweet sweet sweet sweeeeet love to this thing.

And once you finish confusing your bowels by swallowing massive amounts of cheese and grease, treat yourself with a piece of Paula Deen's deep fried cheesecake! Eat your way to DEAAATH!

Yes, you probably won't wake up from your deep fried coma, but at least you'll give the coroner some stories to tell after he opens you up.

via Consumerist & TDW

Brit Brit is in the fetal position on the kitchen floor this morning, because one of the men who gave her the meaning of life has gone off to heaven, where everything you touch leaves your hands looking like you just gave a hand job to a Cheez puff. Morrie Yohai, who helped to create the Cheez Doodle, died of cancer on July 27th at the age of 90.

Brit Brit usually starts her day with a bowl of Cheetos Puffs, Velveeta cheese and a sprinkling of Easy Mac dust, but this morning she'll use Cheez Doodles in honor of Morrie. If it wasn't for Morrie, she'd never have Cheetos Puffs, which means she wouldn't have ANYTHING!

Morrie was born into a snack food dynasty, but he didn't take over the family company until he graduated from Wharton and served some time in World War II. Back in 2005, Morrie talked to Newsday (via The State) about how they came up with the puffy dingle of deliciousness that melts in your mouth and sticks to your bowels forever.

"We were looking for another snack item," he said. "We were fooling around and found out that there was a machine that extruded cornmeal and it almost popped like popcorn."

Yohai and his partners thought of chopping the cornmeal product into pieces and coating it with cheese. "We wanted to make it as healthy as possible," he said, "so it was baked, not fried."

And, he said, the name Doodle occurred to him as they sat around a table tasting different kinds of cheese on the snacks.

Rest in peace, Morrie. We will all remember today as we stick a Cheez Doodle in our mouths and suck on it until it disintegrates all over our teeth. Just like a Cheez Doodle, life is a precious gift that only lasts a short time. Or is it that just like a Cheez Doodle, life is filled with a bunch of shit that not even a piece of floss can get out.

And I know Morrie died of cancer, but the police should still question Chester Cheetah.