Deliciousness

I'm originally from Southern California, so In-N-Out is the native food of my people. Whenever I go back, I slip on my scuba gear and dive into the middle of a double double. I don't ever come out. I just smother myself in its deliciousness until my caca even smells like something off of their menu.

Because I consider a serious In-N-Out-aholic, I'm a little ashamed to admit that I've never heard of fries animal-style. It's not on the menu, so you have to ask for it. Now, I've eaten a cheeseburger animal-style, but didn't even know you could get that mess on your fries. I didn't know until a reader we'll call Rachel let me in on the secret today.

Just like the burger, they top the fries with melted cheese, grilled onions and gallons of Thousand Island dressing. After staring at this picture, I don't know whether to bite at my screen or cry into a toilet. It kind of looks like something you'd find in the dumpster outside of an abortion clinic. Like something Vadge would smear her face with. I think I see something moving. That's never stopped me before, so as soon as I land back in my homeland in a few months, I will drive up to an In-N-Out and ask for my fries abortion-style.

Today through Saturday, hos in London will be able to pay £5 an hour to stand inside a bar and breathe in gin air. That's what the waiting room in heaven is like. Now, if gin mist isn't strong enough for you, run your ass over to St. Lucia and get Wino to sneeze in your face. But if gin mist will do the trick, then go to "Alcoholic Architecture."

Fast Company says that gin mist will eff up your clothes, so you have to put on a plastic suit before you go inside. Once inside, you stand around while gin mist is sprayed through the air. Apparently, standing there for 40 long minutes is the equivalent to drinking one strong gin cocktail. The creators chose Hendricks gin, because it's fresh and smells like plants or something.

Basically, this is like hot boxing, but with gin instead of the good green shit, right? Now, do you get to drink gin as well as breath it in? Because just picture a group of bitches standing around without a drink in their hand to shut them up. Sometimes I push drinks on mouthy skanks, so they can stick a rim on their lips and stop talking. After 20 minutes of not getting drunk by breathing in booze vapors, I'd sniff out the source and stick my mouth on the damn mister. 40 minutes sober in a bar feels like ten lifetimes to a drunk!

I don't know if this concept works for a bar, but it works for everywhere else they don't serve booze. I mean, gin mist at the DMV, the dentist and church? Genius.

(Thanks Joanne)

"Mahs Pappy is druggin' me!!!" That's what Brit Brit Spears is reportedly telling her friends. Some source (*cough*osamalutfi*cough*) tells Look Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that the Cheetoneck thinks Daddy Spears has upped her medication to keep her druggy druggy and under his spell.

The source said, “Britney is sure her father is out to get her and that he’s drugging her to turn her into a zombie who won’t fight back. Ever since her breakdown last year when she was hospitalized, she’s been on prescription pills to battle her panic attacks. Her doctors have also prescribed anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Ativan to deal with stress and to help her sleep. As part of the court-ordered conservatorship, Jamie has to make sure Britney takes the correct dosage because she forgets to take them otherwise. But lately she’s been nodding off randomly in the middle of conversations and is convinced it’s because Jamie’s giving her too much much."

Brit Brit has apparently been secretly texting Landing Strip again asking for his help. Oh, Brit. Just lay back, enjoy the ride and watch the glittery Chester Cheetahs dance around in the sparkly Frapp rain.

For real, I do not see the problem here. If my daddy made me cheese grits with VELVEETA and fed me Valium like it was Rollitos, not only would I never leave home, I'd also nominate him for Daddy of the Millennium! I would even ignore the horrific fact that he always wears his cell phone on the outside of his pocket. Just pour some Valium grits in my mouth and I'll do whatever you say!

Yesterday afternoon, Snoop Dogg debuted The Wake 'N Bake Show live on UStream. The show is exactly what you would expect. It's just Snoop making sweet love to an obese joint while playing some music you can only enjoy if you're fucking high with him. Snoop's sparkly Obama even takes a little toke. That's why he sparkles!

I'm sober like a toddler right now, so this shit really isn't taking me higher, but after I've had a few intimate moments with my bong, this is going to be the greatest show like EVER! If Snoop wants to make a zillion more dollars, he should advertise for Taco Bell and Totino's during his show. Because Snoop's new stonercam is best served with a toke and something covered in cheese (not dick).

Snoop lives in California, so he has a license to smoke the good shit legally. Yeah, he says he needs to smoke it for "medical purposes." He probably suffers from a CHRONIC condition! Me fucking too.

Expect Snoop's Wake 'N Bake Show to have guests in the future like Michael Phelps, Charlize Theron, Amy Wino, Mischa Barton, Carlos Santana and every cartoon character ever created. I'm convinced that every cartoon character is a major stoner, because every time I"m high and watching a cartoons, they all stare at me with greedy eyes.

VIA TMZ

Pharrell Williams glided into a McDonald's at an airport in Paris and begged them to serve him some deliciousness by breaking into a gay ass song and dance number. The employees didn't think it was cute and they weren't entertained. They told him they would serve him breakfast instead, but Pharrell wasn't didn't want that, so he leaped into an ode to Filet O' Fish.

The real star of this shit is the bitch stirring her coffee. That bitch doesn't give a fuck! She's making minimum wage and Pharrell wants her to go out of her damn way to please him?! NOT TODAY. A chorus of flying bunny rabbits could have popped out of his ass and she still wouldn't have been impressed. She finally quits that bitch leaving Pharrell without a Le Big Mac in his mouth. He got a Le NOTHING.

Pharrell should know that a bunch of cutesy dance moves won't cut it. He needed to make a pile of $100 bills prance above her head. Come on, Pharrell.

Picture this shit: You've just handed over your money for an extra-delicious 10-piece of Chicken McNuggets and you can't wait to get those warm chunks of chicken-flavored rat meat down your froat. Your mouth is practically foaming and then.....the dumb bitch cashier at McDonald's strolls up to tell you they are fucking out of deep-fried bits of heaven. So what do you do about it? Of course, you call fucking 911, because that shit is an emergency and a crime! That's exactly what 22-year-old Latreasa Goodman of Florida did and the ho got a citation for it! Injustice!

The Smoking Gun reports that when Latreasa was told they were out, she asked for a refund and they refused. The cashier said all sales were final. Latreasa called 911 three times before their lazy asses finally showed up. When the cops informed Latreasa that her McNugget obsession wasn't an emergency, she answered, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one. This is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency."

From her mouth to my stomach. Damn fucking straight, McNuggets ARE an emergency of epic proportions. They should have called in the National Guard, the Airforce, Paula Deen, the A-Team, Charlie's Angels, Chris Brown, Sharon Osbourne, the meerkats from Meerkat Kingdom and so on.... You don't fuck with a bitch when it comes to McNuggets. The lying whore cashier should be charged with FRAUD! I'd gladly sit on the jury just so I could tell the ho she is guilty for lying about McNuggets.

P.S. - Latreasa's beautiful mug shot is from a previous run-in with the cops. Doesn't the bitch look like she's serious about her McNuggets? McNuggets are not a joke.

I was trying to do figure out what to do this President's Day and now I've found my answer. I'm going to plug my nose and try to down a McNuggetini in one gulp. I mean, it's a full meal in one glass: McDonald's chocolate milkshake and vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce (sounds sexy) and finished off with a McNugget. Actually, this is like three meals in one! Think of it as the only protein shake you'll ever need. You know what's it's missing though? A huge dollop of chicken ice cream on top!

And the McNuggetini probably looks and tastes the same way going out as it does going in. That way you can enjoy it again and again and again. It's a Recycletini too! Just make sure you don't eat corn in between the barfing.

Click here for the recipe. And I take no responsibility if your stomach falls out through your ass after drinking this. Just put your stomach on ice, shake it off and call the free clinic.

VIA This Is Why You're Fat

If decorating every website you go to with glittery rainbows and sparkly unicornies has already gotten old, then why not move on to bacon? BACON! Bacolicio.us does the same shit that Cornify does. When a picture or story on a website is starting to give you the dry heaves, just slap a piece of bacon on that bitch and suddenly it becomes delicious. Well, almost. Take this fug ass picture of Fishsticks Paltrow for instance. With a big slice of bacon over her head, she is almost digestible. The bacon would look a lot better over her face, so I'll aim better next time.

Bacon goes with everything!

VIA Guanabee

When I wake up in the morning, I'd love to roll over and find a hot sausage to suck the grease out of. If that's not an option then this bacon alarm clock might be the next best thing. Instead of almost having a coronary from that annoying BEEP BEEP, this alarm clock will wake you with the savory scent of cooked bacon. It was designed by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu. All you have to do is put a slice of bacon in the clock the night before. It will begin cooking 10-minutes before you're supposed to get up.

I don't know if this is a dream invention or not. Most mornings, I'll give up one of my dog's kidneys (do they have those?) for a slice of bacon. But there are mornings when the last thing I need to smell is a piece of greasy pig. Will this alarm clock also carry me to the toilet and stroke my hair as I barf up the previous night's booze. That's what the smell of bacon does to me while I'm hungover.

You know, on second thought, I'd rather they invent an alarm clock that gently tickles your taint to wake you up and then hands you a fresh cup of Emergen-C.

(Thanks Julie)

Why are the Girl Scouts doing this to me? Why are they killing me softly by putting less delicious bites of heaven into cookie each box? Why are they so evil?! They might as well deep fry me and throw me towards Aretha Franklin to put me out of my misery. This is fuck fuck fuckery beyond fuckery. I knew I couldn't trust those little bitches.

The Girl Scouts of America have stuck a rusty knife into my throat by announcing that there will be fewer Thin Mints, Do-si-dos and Tagalongs in boxes this year. Lucky for them, they didn't fuck with Samoas or there really would've been a shank fight. For real.

The Dallas News say the reason for the changes? The fucking economy. They have to cut costs. UGH! Always blaming our caca economy. One of the HBICs of the Girl Scouts said, "We aren't talking about a drastic change. We are just talking about a couple cookies."

No, we're talking about the difference between life and death. Think about it. What if you're happily chomping away on your last box of Thin Mints, savoring each one. Before you know it, your hand goes into the box and you feel nothing. You've eaten them all. According to your calculations, you had two left. But you completely forgot those evil Girl Scouts left two out on purpose. You weren't prepared for this. You panic. You tear your house in two to find more. You call everyone you know. Nothing. You even take a piece of peppermint gum and stuff it into an Oreo, but it's not the same thing. Suddenly you realize that the only reasonable option is suicide. It's the only way to stop the pain. You see, life and death.