The NYC Health Department doesn't want even a single drop of sugary soda passing through your lips, so they are trying to scare you straight with this PSA featuring a dude drinking a giant glass of liquid fat. It's not working on me.
Yes, that mound of scrambled orange barf does look like something you'd find at the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's tub after her monthly bath. But if you fuck that thought out of your head, it kind of looks like a delicious cocktail.
It makes me want to take an entire can of fruit cocktail, dump it in a blender, add a whole bottle of Kamchatka Vodka and blend. Add five splashes of Mountain Dew before serving in a recycled Big Gulp cup. Delicious!
You can't convert me, NYCHD!
This isn't just your average Lil' Wayne birthday cake. This cake was a gift from Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to their 14-year-old daughter Ireland, who I really hope is a Lil' Wayne fan.
If you don't have strong ankles and good health insurance, you shouldn't even think about licking on this cake. If this cake is anything like the real Lil' Wayne, swallowing a little of its cream will knock you up in a few seconds flat.
And I'm guessing "Happy Birthday, Rude Little Pig" didn't fit on that heart.
When this little boy takes a bite out of a piece of deep fried butter, he busts into a dance that would make Velma from Scooby Doo really proud. The truth is, I'm not sure if he's dancing because the taste of deep fried fat has filled him with the dance spirit, or if he's jumping around to stop his heart from freaking the hell out. Who knows, but I do know that I really want a piece of deep fried butter right now. If it doesn't make my arteries pop, it will make me dance dance DANCE!!!!
VIA The Awl
Also, Happy Columbus Day (whatever that means), Americans! And Happy Monday to everybody else.
There's really only one way to celebrate Thanksgiving/Columbus Day/Monday and that's with a heaping serving of Wanda's special 7,000-calorie macaroni salad! Yes, Memaw Ruth (see below) told us to stay away from greens, but I'm sure she would be okay with this "instant diabetes in a bowl." Besides, all of the sugar, condensed milk, mayo and vinegar probably sucks all the nutritional value out of the vegetables.
Wanda's recipe is almost perfect. When I make this tonight, I'm going to cover it in 8 cups of cheese, throw it in my Fry Daddy and serve it with a glass of butter juice. The Paula Deen way!
Grass is green, today is Wednesday, Lady CaCa's hermie peen gets hard in the morning and Kanye West had himself another hissy fit tantrum. But this wasn't about Taylor Swift or Beyonce, this was about CHICKEN! Finally, Kanye's b-hole pops over something worthwhile.
According to Vibe (via C+D), Kanye was backstage at Common's benefit show in Hollywood over the weekend when he noticed that everyone was nibbling on chicken but him! Even Sylvia Browne could have predicted what was going to happen next. Kanye, who is a 6-year-old cunty girl in the body of a gay fish, immediately squeezed his internal CAPS-LOCK key (aka his prostate) and shouted at the server, "Why wasn't I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, and everyone is eating... why am I not eating?" The server then took Kanye by the hand, stood him up, gave him a "pow pow" on the nalgas and told him to count to 10 in the corner.
After that, the waitress told him that he didn't ask for any chicken, in which Kanye responded with, "Well, I'm asking now!" When the queen diva cunt finally got his chicken, he took one bite out of it and threw it in the trash.
I was right on Kanye's side until I read that he threw the chicken in the trash. You do not waste chicken. The saying is "keep fucking that chicken" not "keep trashing that chicken." I really mean it this time when I say that Kanye needs an army of abuelitas to set his bitch ass straight. It's going to take more than one. This boy needs a thorough switch whoopin' by a group of highly-trained abuelitas. BITCH BOGUS!
If you want your stomach, ass and heart to simultaneously burst, just eat half of this deliciousness. It's the world's biggest burger/heart-attacker and it comes courtesy of Steve Mallie of Southgate, Michigan. Guinness Book of World Records officially declared it the biggest after the burger weighed in at 185lbs.
Steve, who owns Mallie Sports Grill, said it took them 15 hours total to bake the burger, but it was worth it. Being in Guinness was always one of Steve's dreams. Steve said, ''I've worked my entire life to build this restaurant and being able to have the notoriety of Guinness makes it just that bit more rewarding.''
Steve plans to sell the burger at his restaurant for $499.
Oh, I just want to curl up under that bun and take a nap. Then when I wake up, I can kiss my bong, take a bite out of the burger, roll over and go back to bed. Build a pool full of vodka next to it and there's my heaven.
And will somebody send this picture to Lindsay Lohan's malnourished ass, because bitch will gain 50,000 calories just from looking at it for a few seconds.
VIA Metro UK
Some of you may already have seen/eaten/barfed up McDonald's "Mac Snack Wrap" which is basically a Big Mac wrapped in a tortilla. McDonald's has been testing it out in certain markets for a few months now.
Thankfully, I haven't come across this yet, because I probably would have already devoured it in a drunken haze only to regret it later while hacking it up on my bathroom floor as my dog watches with a hongray look on his mouth. Seriously, whenever I get the booze-induced barfs, my dog always comes around like the buffet is open for business. I have to clean it up right away or he will. Ugh, it's too early for that grossness.
Anyway, below are some pictures EatMeDaily took of this mess and it really does look like a power bottom had an accident in a tortilla.
I'd be all about it if the tortilla was stuffed with bacon and cheese, covered in batter and deep fried. It could also use some pork rind bits sprinkled on top.
Same-sex couples in Vermont will be able to get married starting today and in honor of this momentous occasion, Ben & Jerry's has temporarily renamed "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby" for 30 days. Hubby Hubby is made of fudge-covered peanut-butter filled salty pretzel wangs and vanilla cream. That's not a butt sex joke. Those are the actual ingredients.
Ben & Jerry's issued this statement of words about Hubby Hubby:
“The legalization of marriage for gay and lesbian couples in Vermont is certainly a step in the right direction, and something worth celebrating with peace, love - and plenty of ice cream."
You can buy Hubby Hubby from Ben & Jerry's ice cream trucks in Vermont. They aren't changing the labels on Chubby Hubby in grocery stores.
While this is awesome of Ben & Jerry's, I can't help but feel that they left the lezzies out! I mean, couldn't they rename "Cherry Garcia" to "Cherry Gayellecia"? Or what about, "Everything But The....Penis." Or simply, "Fish Food."
VIA Joe. My. God.
52-year-old Luann McKinnley was just trying to bring home the bacon when she stuffed 3 pounds of oinky deliciousness into her purse. Luann, who is (or was) an employee at Perkins restaurant in Florida, was busted after some nosy ass HATING co-worker witnessed her stealing the bacon and called the police. The police arrived and brought the bacon smuggler in.
While searching her purse at the station, officers not only found the bacon, but they also found some kind of illegal drug and contraband. Luann was charged with snatching the bacon and possession of the bad shit. She is currently marinating in a cell on $5,500 bond.
This article didn't say what kind of bad shit Luann was caught with, but just take a quick look at her face and you decide. Luanne's face is sponsored by THIS SITE. But you know, I can't really fully hate on Luann. Homegirl knows what makes up a delicious and nutritious breakfast: bacon and scrambled meth.
In honor of President Obama's 48th birfday today, Domino's is giving away plates of its new dessert, Chocolate Lava Crunch cake. You have until 9pm tonight to skip (or run like the wind if you're Kirstie Alley) into a Domino's and say the magic words "Happy Birthday, Obama" for some free cake. The offer is only valid while supplies last, so you better storm the joint before the employees decide that they had enough of that shit and shut it down.
Try to ingore the fact that this cake looks like Tommy Girl's bruised and oozy Scientolohole after a 4-day "orientation orgy" in his dungeon. I iz sorry for that visual.
And you so know that the extremely glamorous and batshit crazy Obama Birther Queen wore a disguise and was first in line to get her free cake this morning. Homegirl looks like she loves cake. Especially cake that looks like hot bullshit. Clip below: