This morning as I hooked my arm veins up to an IV drip full of coffee I turned on Today, as I do every day, and heard the dreaded words from Ann Curry that make pussies cringe and wombs shrivel: "The Duggars have a big announcement to make!" A big announcement from the Duggars would be that they are finally retiring her war-torn, tortured womb and tucking it into a retirement home in Boca where all things BABY!!! are banned. But that is obviously not part of God's plan. God continues to hate Michelle Duggar's uterus and is wreaking havoc on it yet again, because she announced that her 45-year-old ass is knocked up with the 20th member of her holy child army. That haunting cry you hear echoing through Michelle's vagina hangar is her uterus chanting to the menopause angel to please come and put it out of its sad misery.
The professional BABY!!! hoarders said that Michelle's party bus snatch is dismissed from the labor room this time around, because she's going to have a scheduled C-section in April for the first time in her history of shooting out children. That's because, Michelle almost birthed her way to death while giving birth to their 19th kid two Decembers ago. 1-year-old Josie was born three months premature, because Michelle was diagnosed with preeclampsia and the condition threatened the lives of her and her daughter.
When Ann Curry asked, "Um. Bitch, your uterus fell out THREE FUCKING TIMES! It did the Tandi Iman Dupree three times! Isn't that a sign from the lord above that your uterus is hurtin' and it's time to let it go? Can't Jim Bob bust a nut into the soap pot from now on?!", Michelle said that they will keep having children for as long as God wants.
This is jizz-worthy news for the polo shirt industry, but Christ on a crying cooch. Michelle Duggar's head gives birth to a gorgeous fall of crunchy curls and a wave of luscious bangs every morning. Isn't that enough for her?
They really need to name their 20th child JooKnowYouNeedToStop.
Fuck me. I have been forced to officially change my born name to my junior high school nickname of Dyke-al now that one of Michelle Duggar's baby making franchises has birthed out her second child and decided to stake her claim to the letter M.
Michelle Duggar and Jim Bob's oldest son Josh and his wife Anna are keeping with the family tradition by popping out babies like her pussy is Angry Birds on speed and they plan to give all their kin children a first name that starts with the same letter. Michelle Duggar has J and now Josh Duggar has M. The alphabet hasn't been this scared since Richard Pryor guest starred on Sesame Street.
People reports that 22-year-old Anna Duggar vag burped out an 8lb baby boy at their home in Arkansas yesterday evening. Anna's made her first sacrifice to the Duggar Dynasty, a girl named MacKynzie, 20 months ago. But the worst part is that Anna and Josh have fired shots by naming their second son: MICHAEL JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you gathered all the Michaels up in the world, we could all march up into Michelle Duggar's double wide baby slide and hold a conference of Michaels in her uterus' waiting room. That's a lot of Michaels! So not only have Anna and Josh added another Michael to the planet when we're already Michaeled fucking out, but they're also going to chew up the letter M until it resembles one of Michelle's fallopian tubes.
Now I have some name change documents to fill out while I push sad snots out of my eyes and tears out of my nose. I'll also push one out for Anna's uterus, because it has no idea that it's about to become the Kunta Kinte of wombs.
For a woman whose uterus is always doing the slow motion Intervention wail and who can't go a few seconds without hearing the high-pitched screech of a toddler, Michelle Duggar has maintained a stunning mane of crunchy curls that looks like a hair waterfall orgasming a spray of bangs. It's like a party in the front AND a party in the back. You can laugh all you want, but Michelle Duggar has been laughing at all of us since 1986. While we've been Japanese straightening, crimping, cutting, pulling and weaving our hair over the years, Michelle has been sitting back and cackling! Michelle knows her shit is classic and doesn't need messing with.
I bet that when Jim Bob is filling her up with Duggar #419 and their latest baby is sliding out under his peen, her hair doesn't even move. That coif of gorgeousness is built to last. If you put your ear up to her bangs, you'd hear the sound of a dozen AquaNet cans queefing in unison.
A jumbo curling iron, a sore finger from pressing down the hairspray nozzle so hard, a tub of Dep gel, a million cries from the ozone layer and a Judy Torres tape on the boombox is how beauty is made! Michelle Duggar's head is always giving birth to glamour. It's like her head is a shell and her hair is Venus.
Here's all three thousand members of the Duggar family outside of NBC studios this morning after they pimped out their book and reality show on Today. It wasn't sunny in NYC today. That's just the glare of Michelle's jealous haters trying to burn her beauty down. Didn't work. Won't work. Never.
The Duggar clan gathered in the living room of their Arkansas compound early this morning to make a "surprise" announcement on Today. That "surprise" comes complete with two eye rolls, a lip smack and a "GUUUUURL, PLEASE" from Aunt Bunny, because the Duggars announcing that they are spawning again is the opposite of shocking. The good news is that we don't have to run into our bomb shelters to prepare ourselves for the moment Michelle Duggar's uterus dives head first down her evacuation slide to seek revenge on humanity by devouring our young, because she's not the one who is pregnant....yet. Michelle's daughter-in-law Anna is. Phew.
Josh Duggar, the eldest Duggar, and his wife Anna (both 22-years-old) say that she will give birth to their second baby next June. The happy news comes right after sad news. Anna suffered a miscarriage this past summer. Josh told Meredith, "My parents went through a miscarriage right after they had me. Many people walk through this experience and it is very emotional. We were looking forward to having our baby and losing that baby was really rough."
Anna and Josh's daughter Mackynzie turned 1 last month. They aren't sure whether or not they are going to pick up Jim Bob and Michelle's tradition by using the same letter to name all their chirruns. Yeah, right. Don't break your water on my head and tell me it's raining, Anna! Anna is already staking her claim as a Michelle Duggar clone by turning her lady parts into a baby popping machine, so of course all her future 50 millions kids will have names that begin with the letter M.
Can they just please close their brains to the name MICHAEL. There's too many Michaels flooding the world and we need to be cut off. I'm getting whiplash like Willow Smith from turning my neck around every time I hear my name out in public. And throwing a Y in there doesn't change anything. Mykull is still counts as Michael, etc....
I'm sure the Duggars can hear my scream since all of them are READING MY MIND when I stare into their eyes in the clip above. Keep your eyes down!
Nevermind that Michelle Duggar has to wear ear plugs when she sleeps to block the sound of her uterus wailing like a million La Lloronas, this is as even better reason for why you shouldn't have a zillion kids: CHICKENPOX!!!!! Radar posted this clip from an upcoming episode of 19 Kids and Counting of 12 members of their conviction coalition suffering from the poultry itches! They all look like Chippy D's leopard booty.
It's bad enough dealing with one screechy Chickenpox victim, but imagine that times twelve. Quaker Oats stock must've went up the second when one pox showed up on a Duggar child.
But in all seriousness, I really didn't mind getting Chickenpox. I got to stay home from school and Caladryl brought me hours of entertainment. I'd sit in front of the mirror from Pick 'N Save and pretend the pink lotion was make-up as I dabbed it on my wounds. Yeah, I should send Caladryl a thank you note for teaching me the importance of concealer at such an early age.
Michelle Duggar isn't even trying to notice the white flag sticking out of her vag or trying to hear her uterus moaning out the grim reaper song, because she told Meredith Vieira on Today this morning that she will welcome a 20th fetus to her womb if she got pregnant.
Those words echoed through her crotch hangar and sent shivers through all her baby making parts. If you put your ear to the screen in the video above, you can almost hear them all screaming "SANTO DIOS!!!!!!" It's like Michelle is trying beat McDonald's record. Only 245,000,000,080 more to go!
Michelle and Jim Bob's 19th baby, Josie, was born 3 months premature and suffered from a perforated bowel. Josie was in and out of the hospital for a while and still needs supplemental oxygen when she sleeps. Even though Josie went through some serious shit and a 20th baby could have similar complications, Michelle would still do it again.
She told Meredith, "Knowing that we went through the challenge we did, we would do it again. In the fact that here we have this precious gift and it's a miracle. It really is. And I spoke with a mother who was in the NICU the same time we were and as they were leaving the room we were both in, she came over and spoke to me and said, 'This is my second baby that's been in the NICU.' And I think, 'You know, the precious life we see here is not a coincidence.' I just know it's a miracle. I don't take that for granted. I know that God is the one who gives life. And I'm just so grateful and thankful. And we would welcome another if he saw fit, but we'll just wait and see."
Michelle needs to stand up and repeat this: "My name is Michelle Duggar and I'm a babyaholic!"
At this point, bitch's uterus is beyond over this shit and is probably about to stage a revolt! It's crawling through Michelle's coochie tunnel and is quietly waiting for Jim Bob's peen to make an appearance. As soon as her uterus sees Jim Bob's evil peen head peeking in, it will plug that bitch's mouth up so his sperm fishies can go back to where they came from! Michelle's uterus is done with playing!
Radar asked Michelle Duggar if she's thinking about adding baby #20 to the pile, and she had this to say:
“We would love more! I’m 43 almost 44 this September, I know that my mommy years are probably numbered and I don’t know how many more children God will see fit to give me.”
Michelle Duggar's uterus was unable to respond to her comment, because it was too busy doing this:
Michelle Duggar gave birth to a teeny tiny baby girl last night after doctors performed an emergency c-section. No, the reason for the c-section was not because Michelle's vagina padlocked its doors and provided no forwarding address. Michelle had to have an emergency c-section, because her daughter is only 25 weeks old. Their new daughter weighed in at only 1lb., 6 oz.
The Duggars have of course, kept with the "J" theme by naming baby #19 Josie Brooklyn Duggar. The Duggars name-dropped the borough I currently terrorize so I'll raise my mug of Sanka (the machine is broken again) to them.
A rep from TLC tells TMZ that Josie Brooklyn is in stable condition in the neonatal intensive-care unit at the University of Arkansas' medical center.
The rep added: "Michelle, who has been in the hospital recovering from a gallstone, was taken to the OR for an emergency c-section. The most important thing right now is for Mom and baby Josie to get as much rest as possible. The family is grateful for all the prayers and well wishes during their recovery."
Hopefully, Josie Brooklyn will go home to the other members of the Duggar child army very soon. And also, let's hope someone gives Jim Bob a fleshlight for Christmas this year.
(Note: That's an old picture from a different birth)
Michelle Duggar is laid up in a hospital bed today, and not because her vagina finally fell off and called 911. No, Michelle's gallbladder was fucking with her. Michelle is currently carrying her 19th BABY!!!! in her permanently-weepy womb, but doctors say her fetus is fine. A rep for the Duggars' TLC show 18 Kids and Counting had this to say to People:
"This weekend, Michelle Duggar was admitted to an Arkansas hospital due to gallbladder issues. The pain from a gallstone was generating some contractions. Just to be safe, she was airlifted a Little Rock, Ark., hospital, so that in the unlikely event that she had to be delivered early, she would be close to a NICU center. Though there were some fears that the baby was in trouble initially, it soon was discovered to be solely the gallstone causing the discomfort. Michelle is resting comfortably, and the baby is doing fine. Doctors want to observe Michelle in the hospital for the next couple of days, but it would appear that the pain medication they have given her for the gallstone has worked, and there is no need for immediate surgery. The hope is that any necessary surgery can be delayed until after she delivers. Doctors want to observe Michelle in the hospital for the next couple of days, but it would appear that the pain medication they have given her for the gallstone has worked, and there is no need for immediate surgery. The hope is that any necessary surgery can be delayed until after she delivers."
I hope that when the doctor told Michelle that they had to operate on her gallbladder, he whispered it. Because if he didn't, that means her other organs heard it, and they are slowly going to try to make their way to her gallbladder. When the doctors open her up, her uterus and all her ovaries are going to jump out and run to the nearest church for MERCY! That will definitely cause a scene.
The Duggar family added another BABY!!! to their unstoppable child army last night. The oldest Duggar child, Joshua, and his wife, Ann, are now the parents of a brand new baby friend they named Mackynzie Renée Duggar. Mackynzie (pronounced: SAVE ME) is the first Duggar grandchild. Mackynzie's grandparents, Michelle and Jim Bob, are going to have their 19th baby this spring.
It's not really news that another Duggar popped out a baby. Humans comes shooting out of a Duggar cooch on a daily basis. This time next month, I'm sure the Duggars will announce that Mackynzie is knocked up with triplets. There's something in the Kool-Aid over there and they all keep drinking it!
When you get a cramp in your uterus, it's because one of the Duggars got knocked up again. Your uterus is weeping.
Anyway, the real news it that Joshua and Anna might going after the letter "M." As you might know, Michelle and Jim Bob always give their children "J" names. This means that Joshua and Anna could do the same thing with the letter "M." NOOOOO!
All of us with "M" names should file a class-action lawsuit against the Duggars. We must protect the letter from them. If that doesn't work, I guess I can officially change my name to my junior high school nickname: Dyke-el. Thanks to the Duggars, the bullies have won.