Your Vagina Is Large

I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here's something you can safely wrap around your wang. It's the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!

For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

And if you're really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won't need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!

With all that being said, I'd hit it. I'm joking (no, I'm not).

(Thanks Thomas)

Katie Price's current clit tickler, cage fighter Alex Reid, dusted the puss crust off of one of her gold unitards and slipped into it to make his public debut as his alter ego ROXANNE! Alex proved that his tuck game was stronger (Although, there might not be much to tuck) than Lady CaCa's at the launch for Katie's new book at Selfridges in London today. Harvey just filed for emancipation.

Katie made the big mistake of forcing Alex to bring out his better persona, because Roxanne is definitely sessier than Jordan. Who needs dignity, pride or a nutsack when you have leg's like Roxanne's?

And I think Katie thought that if she's surrounded by a bunch of dudes in drag, it would make her look more like a biological woman. When in fact, she looks like she tucks her dick right next to them in the men's bathroom. This is not the look for her. But I will say that her "Marilyn Monroe on acid" wig looks more natural than Kim Zolciak's, so six dick claps for that!

When Jasmine Fiore was murdered and the now dead Ryan Jenkins was named as her alleged killer, Vh1 immediately liquefied Megan Wants a Millionaire and injected it into Daisy De La Hoya's face lips. Vh1 has no plans to ever air Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3, because the rumor is that Ryan won both shows. But it's not over for Megan! The famewhore will always rise above! According to Radar Online, she's about to whore it up some more in another reality show for Vh1.

A source (aka Lily her chihuahua) said that after Vh1 canceled her show, they promised her another one if she kept her whore mouth shut about the Fiore murder. The source went on to say that we won't see a re-do of Megan Wants a Millionaire, because her new show won't focus on dating stuff. They haven't completely decided what kind of show it will be.

We all knew we would see Megan's stale dumpling face again. You can spray the Vh1 roaches with RAID and try to flatten them with your chankla, but they will always come back. Hopefully, Vh1 gives us what we really want to see: An entire reality show featuring Sharon Osbourne beating Megan's ass over and over and over and over again. Megan Wants A Beat Down!

UPDATE: According to Vh1, this story is false and they have not given Megan another show.

42-year-old Lisa Newsome was arrested after she was caught on tape stuffing a 24-can case of beer up her muumuu and shoving several bottles of Coke in her titty area at a convenience store in Zachary, LA. I guess bitch wanted some beer in a bad way that she didn't care about getting a yeast infection. Yes, I'm here all week!

When Lisa was busted by the cops, she admitted that she stole the 20-pound case with help from her thieving snatch. Lisa even offered to demonstrate, but the cops told her to keep her chonies on. Lisa is still in jail on $1,000 bond.

The cops may not want to see Lisa's suction cup pussay at work, but I do! Homegirl has some major skills. Although, if Michelle Duggar ever gets into a life of crime, everybody should be scared. Screw a measly 24-pack, Michelle could swallow up an entire Old Milwaukee Brewery and then some!

VIA We Saw That

Everybody, please gather around, hold hands and bow your heads for Michelle Duggar's lady parts, because they are going to go through some fucked up traumatic shit for like the zillionth time! Jim Bob, Michelle and their massive neverending child army were on Today this morning where they announced that they are expecting baby #19!!!!! Yes, the baby addict is getting her fix again! BABEHS just keep popping out of that clown car vag!

The 42-year-old babyhead told Meredith Vieira, "We are so thrilled. We just couldn't believe it is happening." Jim Bob added, "This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child."

Never gets old?! Tell that to Michelle's uterus! That poor thing has been holding up a white flag since baby #10 and nobody is listening. When baby #19 is about to come somersaulting out, Michelle's uterus is going to grab on to its feet while screaming "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" All it wants to do is to get out of that crazy bitch's body, head to the nearest crack house and drown its pain in the bad shit. Do you blame it? Even Ken Seeley from Intervention is shaking his head and saying, "Do you what you gotta do, Duggar Uterus."

Michelle added that she knows at her age there are certain risks (i.e. her pussy could fall off and throw itself into incoming traffic). Michelle says as far as she knows, her fetus is doing well. Michelle and the entire family would know! If they want to check on her fetus, they just have to pack a few granola bars, crawl into her vag, skip down her pussy tunnel toward her womb and wave to the fetus. Seriously, when Michelle is done being a human popcorn machine, she can open up a theme park in there. WOMBLAND!

Michelle and Jim Bob's oldest child, Joshua, is also expecting a baby friend this October with his wife. Michelle 3-months pregnant and is due in the spring.

In case you didn't know, all of the Duggars 18 children have names starting with the letter J. Michelle said that the family has already printed up a list of J names for boys and girls that they haven't used yet. How about "JUSTSTOPTHISFUCKERYALREADY Duggar"?

And here's a list of all of the Duggar children. While reading it, you might want to pet your vag and reassure it that you will never ever do this to it:

1. Joshua James, 21
2. Jane Marie, 19
3. John-David, 19
4. Jill Michelle, 18
5. Jessa Lauren, 16
6. Jinger Nicole, 15
7. Joseph Garrett, 14
8. Josiah Matthew, 13
9. Joy-Anna, 11
10. Jedidiah Robert, 10
11. Jeremiah Robert, 10
12. Jason Michael, 9
13. James Andrew, 8
14. Justin Samuel, 6
15. Jackson Levi, 5
16. Johanna Faith, 3
17. Jennifer Danielle, 2
18. Jordyn-Grace, 8 months

VIA Popeater

On Thursday night in Los Angeles, a discarded tampon and a pre-owned butt plug got into a fight at Guys and Dolls nightclub. We've already heard Brody Jenner's version of the douche battle royale and now here's Joe Francis'.

Joe tells E! News that contrary to Brody's version, he never delivered a massive beat down on Jayde Nicole. Joe said that he was minding his own business when Jayde pushed at him and threw her drink all over him. Joe said he might of "accidentally" pulled her hair when he turned around to confront her, but never punched her in the face or kicked her. The next thing Joe knew, Brody was beating his ass and ripping his shirt off. For some reason, that last part didn't make my b-lips tingle. It made them wrinkle up even more.

Joe said that the security tapes will show what really happened, "I'm the victim. Brody hit me in the face. I've never hit a girl in my life and the accusation disgusts me." Then Joe said that Brody has a million issues including having "smallest penis in Hollywood." This coming from one of the biggest DICKHEAD in Hollywood.

In Brody's defense, Joe does have a face that was produced by Everlast, because you just want to punch it. I'm sure that most of you are sitting on your fists right now (use lube) to keep from punching your monitor. It's a natural reaction to seeing Joe's butt plug of a face.

As for Brody having the tiniest peen rod in all the land, bring us proof, Joe! We know you have a giant picture of it hanging in front of your dildo chair.

This news is going to make OctoMommy swallow a fertility clinic whole, because bitch is going to have to step up her baby game. The Sun says that a woman in Tunisia is about to turn her snatch into a popcorn machine by giving birth to 12 BABIES!!!!! And if you just queefed, that was your uterus dry heaving.

Doctor confirmed that the human baby machine's instant child army will consist of six boys and six girls. The woman conceived the babies after going through a series of fertility treatments. The soon-to-be DodecaMommy wants to give birth naturally, but doctors have told her that her pussy will literally explode. That's exactly what he said, the doctor said, "Mam, I am a doctor and my medical expertise tells me that your pussy will explode. Literally." Not to mention, that if she turns her vag tunnel into a water slide, Raging Waters will file a copyright infringement lawsuit against her.

The father of the babies told the press, "In the beginning, we thought that my wife would give birth to twins, but more fetuses were discovered. Our joy increased with the growing number."

Yeah, as they were crying tears of joy, her lady parts were crying tears of pain. If Miss Clown Car Conductor is wondering why there's a white flag sticking out of her vagina, somebody should tell her that it's her uterus begging for MERCY.

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.

Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."

You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!

Porn star and future politician (the two go puss-in-hand) Stormy Daniels was put in handcuffs over the weekend (TWIST COMING) and it wasn't so that a sessy fake police officer could beat her 'gina lips with his mighty skin baton. No, bitch was really arrested after she allegedly beat her husband Michael in the head a few times in their home in Tampa, FL.

Michael told the po po that Stormy Chris Brown-ed him, because she didn't like the way he did the laundry. Okay, hold the Downy softener ball, because I bet Michael accidentally left a red thong in the washer when he put the whites in. ILLEGAL! Some bitches will cut, stomp, slap, kill and set fire to any ho who turns their whites pink. Turn a white pink and get slapped. I think that was rule #12 in my abuelita's Book of Life.

After Stormy was arrested, she admitted that she broke some candles and threw a potted plant in the sink, but didn't mean to hit her husband in the head. Stormy's defense was that she was just trying to get her keys which he was hanging over his head and she accidentally fisted him in the face. HAHAHAHA! This bitch! Although, 9 out of 10 scientists will tell you that the best way to get something from someone is to punch them in the mug. I'm surprised Stormy didn't use the "HE RAN INTO MY FIST" excuse (aka The Tommy Girl's favorite cover story).

Stormy was later released on $1,000 bail.

VIA TSG