Your Vagina Is Large

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.

If you've got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky's mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky's spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!

"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."

Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it's going to be alright.

As for Doug, at least he'll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky's crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.

41-year-old Kevin L. Miller of Sugarcreek Township, Ohio was arrested at his house last night after police got complaints that he was harassing ladies at a nearby park. The police didn't even let Kevin make himself decent for jail! They should have at least let him put on a silk robe (lined with marabou, of course) and some satin slippers! Thankfully, Kevin was wearing a bra, so his nipples weren't poking out of his swimsuit. That shit would've been indecent.

Kevin pleaded not guilty to two counts of public indecency and one count of menacing. The judge set Miss Kevi's bail at $10,000.

Kevi is accused of chasing 2 women who were canoeing on a lake at the park. That's where the swimsuit came in handy. The women also said Kevi did something very un-ladylike by flashing his fruity pebbles at them.

Ignore the dumb ho shouting idiotic questions at Miss Kevi in the video above. I mean, who would ask "Why are you wearing that?" Why wouldn't you wear that?! It's the only thing that goes perfectly with his Timbs.

Source

Parasite Hilton's family bought her from the back of a truck in Chinatown, so she's the last bitch who should be calling anything fake. And that's exactly what she has called The Hills.

At last night's FiFi Awards, Parasite said she's never seen an episode, but her current wart-pincher used to be on it and he thought it was lame. The pre-op ostrich said, "The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy."

Wonky is right. The Hills is fake and her "My Butt Fucker Friend" show should have been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary. Grand delusions! On the other hand, this skank whore is an expert of all things fake and lame, so she would know.

And Doug, no matter what Justin Gaston told you, your totally awesome powers of concentration aren't going to make those puss-filled pimples grow.

VIA USWeekly

A million cheers to the captain of the yacht who threw Parasite Hilton and her latest victim off the boat for endangering passengers with their public displays of infection. He is a fucking hero to us all!

The Mirror says that Elton John's fupa fluffer, David Furnish, invited Wonky and Doug Reinhardt to a party on a friend's yacht in Cannes the other night. Almost immediately after they got on the boat, Wonky and Doug started doing disgustingly gross shit that made stomachs die.

One source who lived to tell the tale said, "As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain."

I'm guessing Wonky's presence on the boat was a bigger problem than the witness is making it out to be. Wonky's crotch crustaceans probably ate most of the food. And the food they didn't eat, went rotten once Wonky brought her tongue out. Every drop of alcohol evaporated when Wonky opened the gates to HELL. Not to mention the poor sea creatures living in the waters below. They probably committed mass suicide once they spotted Wonky. They knew that if something should happen and Wonky fell in the water, they would die a slow and painful death from being directly exposed to her lethal snatch sludge. It's better to be safe than really, really, really sorry.

And here I was thinking I broke the world blow job record that one summer, but I guess you need judges and cameras around to document the whole thing. Oh, well. Maybe next time. Blonde Cora, a German porn star, was officially trying to break the record when she choked almost halfway through and had to go to the hospital! The Sun says that Cora's goal was to blow 200 peens, but only she made it to wang #75 when she started having trouble breathing. Bitch blew it and not in the way she had hoped.

This is kind of embarrassing to all us mega sluts out there. Most of us can suck 75 dicks at a time while watching a Melrose Place marathon and playing a game of Monopoly with our toes! And this bitch is a whore for a living! SHAME!!!! How dreadful!

Even amateur skanks know you have to breathe through your nose! If that's not enough, find an air pocket in the dick hole you're sucking and breathe! Turn that dick into a snorkel! Breathe through your ears! Breathe through your pussay! Breathe through your asshole if you have to! Whatever you do, don't quit the dick!

Her parents are probably so disappointed!

I know you barely slept one wink last night, because you had the worries in a bad way after hearing that Daisy de la Whora might have overdosed. You can breathe easy (you better turn your head and breath, because you might catch something from this pic) now, because the skanky Muppet didn't overdose! Daisy was just tired. Yes, tired. Tired of what exactly? Tired of being a low-down dirty slutwhoreskanktrickho? Taking your mouth from a dirty dick to a dirty bong to a dirty booze bottle all day isn't tiring. I should know.

Daisy's rep/dealer/pimp cleared up (wish I could say the same about those warts on her coozie) the rumors to E!, "Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion. here was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."

Can you believe she played the "exhaustion" card? She doesn't have the right. Chyna's mutant peen-clit is more famous than Daisy!

Bitch is delirious because the collagen in her lips seeped into her brains.

Okay, kids, grab the net! It looks like Memaw Vadge stole Little Krissy's tap dancing outfit again and is running the streets like a crazy in it.

For the love of CaCa! What is this that I'm looking at it? This looks like Scotty the Blue Bunny starring in an S&M version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? as seen through the eyes of a delusional homeless dude who thinks he's in the reincarnation of Picasso. Give memaw some warm Benefiber, soak her dentures in some Polident and read her a sweet story until she goes to bed. Bitch needs to lie down! Trix are for kids and so is this outfit.

Here's Vadge in the latest LOOKATMEGODPLEASELOOKATMEPLEASE creation from Louis Vuitton at last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met and later with Baby Jesus at the after-party. Seriously, where is Elmer Fudd when you need him?

John Mayer might have a new piece to keep his twitter warm after Jennifer Aniston Riverdanced all over his heart like the man-eating tramp she is (served with a heaping dollop of sarcasm.) Star Magazine says John has moved on from 40-year-old Jen to 23-year-old ex-buffalo wing server Scheana Marie Jancan.

Scheana serves drinkies at The Grand Havana Room and that's where she met John. I'm sure it was love at first sight. Like that scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria first meet. Picture that, but with more silicone and waaaaaay more Twittering.

The two chatted for a while before John asked for her number. Since then, they have hung out a few times and Scheana even spent a little time at John's house. Scheana apparently told some source, “There is always food and beer around. Scheana said she has loads of fun there; it’s like spring break!” So basically she's saying there's booze-infused barf everywhere and a Creepy McCreepster with rapey-eyes hiding behind almost every corner? Sounds about right.

Scheana is a former Hooters waitress who has modeled for Ed Hardy and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Paging Sarah Larson! This trick right here stole your life.

Since this magical union will last forever, what should their couple name be? MaMa? ScheMohn?

And I would tell Scheana to immediately work on gold digging rule #3 "GET KNOCKED UP," but she will probably have a hard time trying to conceive with a soppy tampon. The only thing Scheana will give birth to from fucking John Mayer is a big pile of extra-chunky clitty litter.

Who is responsible for this dark-sided fuckery right here? Off with their head and throw it into a wicker basket! Obviously, nobody briefed The First Lady of Camerooon, Chantal Biya, that she was posing next to thee most diseased and disgusting boils on humanity's asshole. Although, Chantal is giving Wonky McValtrex the "My private lion den is starting to itch and you're to blame" side-eye, so she might know what's up. Camer-ooooouch.

Poor Chantal. Think of all the crotch maggots that have crawled out of Wonky's acid-spewing black hole and made their way into Chantal's luscious mane of wonder. Chantal better stop by Hazmat to cleanse herself of Wonky's stank before she makes her way back to Africa.

Here's the most glamorous woman in the world and the most wretched piece of trash in the world at The First Ladies of Africa event in Beverly Hills last night. I mean, what in pussy rotting Hell was Wonky doing there?