Your Vagina Is Large

Throw it back into the fucking sea! I never thought I'd ever ever write this, but I'd rather share a McNuggetini with Lady GaGa's droopy cooch than look at this herp-crusted piece of rotten Mahi Mahi. That's how much this wonky skankwhoreslutbitch makes the caca boil up into my throat. It probably tastes better than her toxic chocha juices. And is that a piece of lattice fence she's wearing?! Extreme WHORE Makeover!

On a positive note, at least those glasses cover up her busted wonky eye! However, Geordi La Forge called and said Wonky can keep those things. The CDC already warned him.

The theme of the month is: whores having twins! This past weekend, Charlie Sheen welcomed twinsies to the world and now Jenna Jameson has popped out a double in Newport Beach, CA. That's what AVN.com says.

Jenna queefed out her twins sometime this morning. Seriously, she just opened up, let the wind blow and out came the babies. They probably came out swinging on their umbilical cords through her cracked sugar walls. A bright light came shining out of her snatch. It's like when Locke fell down the well on Lost. Only in reverse!

No word on what she named her babehs. I'm going to take a wild guess and say she wrote down Cunnilingus Sixty Nine and Fellatio Money Shot on their birth certificates.

Expect this to be the main event at the inaugural Douchebag Olympics! In this clip, Pete Wentz partakes in a little water sports action with a game of Piss Roulette. Yup, it's just as it sounds. Pete takes 10 empty water bottles, fills 9 with apple juice and unloads his douche water in the other. Then throughout the night, he drinks from each bottle until he gets to the one filled with his own piss.

This dick bag is a father. This fucktardian has a child. Dear Bronx Mowgli, it's never too early to file for emancipation! I'm sure every judge in this land will fast-track that shit.

At around the 7:15 mark, it looks like Pete might have gotten a taste of his peen juices. He makes a face, sort of shrugs and then chugs it. It's probably not so bad since he licks on a nasty fucking Asshole Simpson every night. It tastes like Orange Shasta compared to that nastiness.

VIA ecctv@ONTD

Okay, I'm all for a bitch doing what she has to do to get that pussy purring. If you got to go down to Home Depot and flirt with some power tools in hopes one might take you home and drill you down, FINE. But is a nut bust really worth turning your vagina into fucking shredded beef? The ho in this story answered a fuck yes to that question.

The 27-year-old woman of Saint Mary County in Maryland was airlifted to a hospital after a saber saw done fucked up her pussy. The woman and her dick for brains boyfriend decided it would be really fucking sexy to get all America Psycho on her vagina and fuck it with a "sex toy" (I'm assuming a dildo) attached to a saber saw. It wasn't long before the blade on the saw cut through the dildo and straight up turned her sugar walls into some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. The dumb bitch went from screaming "Oh baby" to "Oh baby my pussy fell off!!!!"

The bitch was released from the hospital on Monday. She told police that the idiotic sex act was consensual and no crime was committed. Yeah, tell that to her pussy. May it rest in fucking peace. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY?! I mean, I hope that when they got home she took a power drill to his asshole so he can see how it feels. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY? I still can't. She will never watch an episode of Home Improvement the same away.

And if you have a vagina, I hope you kept your hand over it the whole time. It didn't need to see this story. If it did, it would have turned inside out and closed its doors forever. It's not the one!

Source

Look! It's Madonna and the Baby Jesus on a wintery night! The only thing missing is a fucking manger and some farm animals. How fucking special.

Anythisisborderlinepedoshit, Vadge and her hooker of the moment had a beautiful dinner in NYC last night. I'm sure it was really romantic with him sitting on a highchair slurping on mushy peas while Vadge readjusted her colostomy bag.

And take a good look at Baby Jesus while he's still young and beautiful, because that shit isn't going to last. Vadge is quickly sucking out his youth. By the end of the month, she'll look like a roidy toddler and he'll look like Larry King's freeze-dried dick.

Every time I watch the marshmallow queen known as Cojo on ET or The Insider, my peen gets a little smaller. When his mug comes on the screen I have to run to the bathroom and cover my peen hole. If I watch an entire segment with him, I'll only be left with a clit. And not a Chyna-sized clit either! So, my peen welcomes the rumor that the sugarplump fairy might soon fly away from CBS.

Page Six says that the producers of ET and The Insider are looking to replace him with the head stylist of the show, because Cujo has become a real bitch who refuses to promote the shows. The source said, "His Q ratings have plummeted, and he's on so rarely now that if you break down what he gets paid per appearance, it's astronomical and not worth it." You mean, they don't pay him that queen in acorns, peroxide and glazed anal beads (his donut hole likes it extra sugary)?

A spokesbitch for ET and The Insider says Page Six's source is lie-telling on the major.

You know, Culo doesn't need that mess anyway! There's bigger things in his future! Now he can spend all his time to working on his Reno, NV dinner theater spectacle called Chastity Belt: The Chastity Bono Story.

It's officially official. The Vagisil will be a-flowin' and the Estroven will be a-poppin' for the sequel to that movie about parched pussies trolling around in NYC. Michael Patrick King confirmed it all to E!'s Marc Malkin (via People), "I'm very excited to work with these amazing actresses again and would love to give everyone more information about the sequel...but I'm busy with my 'Sex' life."

Everyone will be back for more menopausal hijinks and shooting is expected to start this Summer with the vagina-exploding madness hitting theaters in 2010.

At this point, they should just replace all of them with Charlotte Rae, Bea Arthur, Sally Struthers and Katherine Helmond. They will work for confederate dollars and be a million times more entertaining. Not to mention sexier. Well, they can keep Mrs. Rojo Caliente. Power tools don't come cheap and Rojo can't live without hers!

Seriously, are these bitches going to wear Patricia Field designed diapers and sip their Metamuciltinis through a straw or a damn no-drip cup?! They might as well just call this shit Golden Girls: The Movie, because that's what they are becoming. But without the magic and cheesecake.

P.S. - I used this old ass picture from 1996, because this is how I'd like to remember Cynthia Nixon forever. I bet you her hair in that picture is what Rojo Caliente's oyster shrub looks like. Swooooon.

Lady Vadge will flee her native England and return to America with her kids in tow. It's Christmas again in the UK! The Evening Standards says Vadge has temporarily won the right to take Rocco and David to NYC. That shit will become forever permanent in a couple of weeks.

Vadge and Guy Ritchie were divorced a couple of months ago, but never decided on where the kids will live. Guy apparently wanted the boys to continue to go to school in England, but Vadge wanted them with her in NYC. Vadge won. She always wins!

A source close to the situation said, “Everything is going to be resolved in the next couple of weeks. Everything is going well. It's pretty amicable at the moment. Things are progressing. There was a issue about where the children should live but that has been decided in Madonna's favor.”

This sounds like a wonderful decision. Who needs a father around anyway? I grew up without my father around all the time and I turned out beautifully. Yes, I regularly cry in my shower wondering why my daddy left me, but other than that, I'm totally normal.

And I feel like both of our governments should have worked together on this. Since we're getting Vadge back, England should have to take one of our useless celebwhores. Parasite Hilton is there right now! Keep her. Oh and keep Vadge's accent too.

Are you feeling too smart today? Do you want to feel dumber? Well, watch this entire video and your brain cells will quickly start exploding one by one. Before you know it, you'll be babbling incoherently just like Wonky and Lady CaCa.

This brain killing clip is of Wonky "interviewing" Lady CaCa in some rundown storage room (how fitting) at a club in London during a Nokia event. Wonky talks like she has a dick in her mouth, because she usually does. Lady CaCa talks like she just gargled with a gallon of cokey water (and swallowed a lot of it). But in her defense, being that close to Wonky makes you dumb. Scientific fact.

Seriously, a frozen dog turd and a Kim Zolciak's road kill wig could have a more intelligent conversation than these two fucktards.

And make sure to watch the 1:42 mark to see Wonky's "special needs gorilla" dance.

Jessica Simpson is totally making the "I made a poopy" face. Yes, Jessica, you did. And it's smeared all over your body in the form of that not-right outfit. This is some "Miss Piggy joins the cast of The Real Trailer Park Housewives of Alabama" shit. If you ever want to clear a room or make a grown man cry, wear these diaper mom jeans. Those jeans are making her crotch look all fatty and sloppy. Lardcrotch!

Here's more of Jessica performing at Radio 99.9 Kiss Country's annual Chili Cookoff (how fucking fitting) in Pembroke Pines, FL yesterday. At the show, Jessica told the audience, "I am so excited that I am going to see my boyfriend tonight! My boyfriend is a football player, and he takes up my Sundays and now my Mondays." Replace "football player" with "seven-layer cake" and then this quote would make sense.