The Colbert

Stephen Colbert literally lost a staged bet with Jimmy Fallon and last night he kept his word by performing his rendition of Rebecca Black's stirring torch song (meaning you want to torch that fucking song and watch it burn) and American classic "Friday." Joined by The Roots, Jimmy Fallon and Taylor "UGH" Hicks, Stephen Colbert cooed out the best rendition of this mess we'll ever hear unless La Pequeña comes out of retirement and puts her bump on it. If that doesn't happen, then we can consider this the white rose on Friday's coffin and we'll all wave as the hearse takes it away to the Forest Lawn Meme Memorial Cemetery. Until the next!

All you aspiring cunts start taking notes! This is a clip from January of Kate Gosselin and her child army waiting to do a TV interview. One of Kate's daughters, Mady, tells her mother she's going to turn into dust if she doesn't have a drink of wawa. Kate asks for water, takes a sip and then puts it on the floor away from Mady. This makes Mady cry, "You're really really mean. You drank it right in front of my face." Kate responds, "Be quiet."

I bow down to the master! Even I am not cunty enough to deny water to a dehydrated child! Ice cream and candy, yes. Water, no. She's like Cruelle de Vil complete with a half-dead animal on her head! Speaking of, Mady might be slowly shriveling up due to dehydration, but she should think of the poor thirsty beast on Kate's head! You can practically see it licking its chops while Kate drinks.

VIA ONTD

I meant to write this shit yesterday, but my brains started happy hour early, so I completely forgot. I should eat more fish (not pussy) and ginkgo. That's what my mom recommends anyway. Do they make ginkgotinis? That would be stellar.

Soooooo....El Colbert declared victory over Kanye West on his show Thursday night. In case you were busy doing hood rat stuff and have no idea what I'm talking about, Stephen Colbert launched "Operation Humble Kanye" on his show. He asked America to buy his Christmas album on Wednesday, so that he could beat Kanye on the iTunes chart. He succeeded, but only for one day!

Kanye responded with the Twitter message: "Who the fuck is Stephen Colbert?" BUT Kanye later blogged on his own site that he did not Twitter that shit. He wrote: "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS... THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!" Uh huh. Just keep the fake fight going. I'm drinking up every bit of it. Tastes like squid brains and bull shit.

Above is El Colbert's victory speech. His description of Kanye's album is pretty much spot fucking on. Although, it sounds more like Ms. Pac Man than regular Pac Man.

Also, Kanye was performing in Australia the other day, when some person threw a bottle or something at him. Kanye responded the only way Kanye knows how to respond. I wish I could stroke his sunglasses for bringing back the memories. I spent hours scribbling the phrase "Eat Shit & Die" all over my Pee-Chee folders in the sixth grade. Thanks to Kanye for bringing it back.