Usually, I'm all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can't with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. "SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!" was probably Jessica's first reaction to that fug mess. But it's her friends, family and stylist's job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica's chichis are frowning at this look.
That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It's like a whory memaw's freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don't know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.
And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?
Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures from last night's TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.
Yes, the man nipples features in this man nipple buffet are not man nipples I'd ever request, but it's a slow as hell Monday and we have to take what we can get! When the paparazzi hands me pictures of Ricky Martin's freshly waxed nipples, Eli Roth's furry chest knobs, the nipples that Trudie Styler pinches during a 6-hour tantric orgy and the nipples that Alan Thicke's sperm co-built, it is my duty to post them.
Plus, I had a serious week last week, because I had to blog from California while helping a relative deal with a shitty issue that they made me promise not to blog about. (Note: The word "shitty" in shitty issue is not to be taken literally, so don't grab my hand and take me there. Don't.) So this chest clitorises of men gallery is just what I need even if I'm never going to look at Braille dots the same way again thanks to Robin Thicke's nipples.
Here's more of Ricky Martin giving an invisible beej (during a concert in Amsterdam), Eli Roth (in Ischia, Italy), Sting (also in Ischia, Italy) and Robin Thicke with Paula Patton in Miami.
And you thought you were a shoo-in for the position, but Ricky Martin beat your evil ass to it. You better forward your resume to the ambassador's office in purgatory instead.
Over the weekend, Ricky Martin rocked out with his gay out in a major way at the opening of his Music, Soul and Sex world tour in San Juan, Puerto Rico, and not everybody was licking up the glitter that he was spreading. Wanda
Colon Rolon, a religious crazy type who hates gays even though she's got Top Chef lesbian hair, gathered up her followers and protested in front of the venue where Ricky was performing. Wanda chanted that since all of Ricky's Puerto Rico shows are sold out, the entire island will be she banging with Satan in the underworld! Wanda then went wild in a Facebook rant that threatens all of us with a good time. Seriously, Megan Phelps better turn up the crazed hate, because Wanda's broom is catching up to her.
This weekend Puerto Rico receives a man saved and brought from hell to the light, Nicky Cruz, while another one pretends to drag us all to hell. RM [Ricky Martin] has been proclaimed its ambassador (hell's, that is). Puerto Rico wake up, everyone praise the lord. This is the island of the Lamb. Alert God.
The island of the lamb? Excuse you, Wanda, but until I see the lamb queen herself Mimi frolicking through the island of Puerto Rico, I beg to differ!
And my feelings about Wanda's words are best expressed through this GIF of my spirit animal and hussynator Dionne Warwick throwing a walk-by shank eye and finger point on Celebrity Apprentice last night:
Wanda is really going to act like Ricky's nipples aren't burning the peroxide off the tips of her Kate Gosselin mop? Bitch is lying. Alert who's ever in charge of punishing liars!
And either the excitement of winning an award fermented and bubbled over putting him in a drunk euphoric coma, or the camera caught the moment his butt finally exhaled out a fart that had been stuck in there all day. Either way, Ricky Martin is relaxed. So yeah, Ricky won a trophy at the GLAAD Media Awards last night for being GAY!, OUT! and a CELEBRITY! Ricky told reporters that declaring his love for the peen was welcomed with open arms (and other body parts). Ricky thanked his partner Carlos and then gave a shout to Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, etc... Sadly, Ricky didn't give a special thanks to his shiny red Menudo jeggings. Here's Ricky's speech:
“I just want to be free. I can say today I'm free. And for that I definitely need to thank my parents for being so supportive, my mother and my dad for their unconditional love, and my friends, my family, my fans. And my partner in crime and my boyfriend Carlos.
And GLAAD let's go to Latin America, let's share the love! Let's go to Mexico! Let's go to Columbia! Let's go to Argentina! Let's go to Chile! Let's go to Brazil! We need you GLAAD -- we need you down there, we need to spread the love in Latin America. Let's do it in Spanish. I can help, I can do it! I'll be part of it. I want to be part of it.”
"Let's do it in Spanish" has just become my new favorite fuck partner pick-up line. And besides Ricky, other hos who found a trophy in their hands last night included Tina Fey and True Blood (full winners list here).
And here's some pictures! In order: Ricky Martin, Andy Cohen with warriors from the Ke$ha tribe, Tina Fey, Manila Luzon with Sahara Davenport, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Jane Velezzie-Mitchell with a chick who is giving me the dizzies and Rollerina.
This video of Ricky Martin nekkid ass nekkid on a light table is a couple of years old, but he must have been feeling a little nostalgic because he linked to it on his Twitter page a couple of days ago. Ricky just wants you to flick your nipples to it if you haven't already. I see you, Ricky.
This is the same video that will play during Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's next fertility ceremony.
Ricky made this shit for his Black & White tour in 2007, but the Daily Mail is trying to say that it represents his rebirth as an openly gay man. Somebody stick a bottle of smelling salts up their nostrils while fanning them with peacock feathers, because they are being so damn dramatic. Besides, that's not what it looks like when you loudly and proudly break out of the disco ball womb to declare your love for the peen to the entire world. This is what it looks like:
It's the out gay's version of "learning how to to walk."
You don't know how many battles and dance-offs I've had with my auntie over Ricky Martin's sexuality. She told me she knows Ricky is straight, because his dance moves still give her vagina lips goose bumps (her words). Well, my auntie better grab the hot sauce, because she's about to eat her words.
Ricky Martin decided against a "DUH!!! I Love Dick!" People magazine cover, and instead chose to come out on his website. I know, you would probably clutch your pearls and crush them if this was 1999. This is what Ricky wrote. Bitch got deep:
A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And thisis something worth celebrating.
For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that's the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It's my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don't ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I'm at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I'm feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.
Many people told me: "Ricky it's not important", "it's not worth it", "all the years you've worked and everything you've built will collapse", "many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature". Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.
If someone asked me today, "Ricky, what are you afraid of?" I would answer "the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war...child slavery, terrorism...the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith." But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.
These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed.
What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment. The word "happiness" takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.
I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.
Now if you'll excuse me, I better go check on my auntie. I'm sure those goose bumps exploded. Hand me a Swiffer Wet Jet.
UPDATE: Ricky also has a Spanish version on his website. The declaration of his gayness sounds so much hotter in Spanish: "Hoy ACEPTO MI HOMOSEXUALIDAD como un regalo que me da la vida. ¡Me siento bendecido de ser quien soy!" Now that shit gave me goose bumps (I won't say where).
Ricky Martin is looking so damn serious in this picture he posted on his website of his 1-year-old twinsies. It's like he's saying, "I come in peace. Take these babies as an offering." No, thanks, but I'll take a piece of you instead, Ricky.
Seriously, I've never gotten the tingles in a major way for Ricky, but dude is looking hot. I guess being around baby shit fumes, nose smegma, banana vomit and SpongeBob SquarePants does a body good. Yeah, that can't be it. If that was the case, Jon Gosselin wouldn't look like something the Pillsbury Doughboy's asshole coughed up.
Ricky Martin is the father of twinsies, born via a leased baby oven, and today he Twittered a picture of one of his babeh's first baths! Sweet. But it looks tiring. Do you really have to hold the baby AND pour a plastic cup full of water over their head at the same time? Ugh. I'd rather just fill that cup with vodka and go have a DRANK somewhere quiet. Hmmm...I wonder if baby shampoo makes a good mixer?
Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.
JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)
Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.
Ricky Martin hasn't been shimmying his glitter maker in the spotlight for a while, because he's been too busy raising his matching twin babeh boys. But Ricky took some time out from mopping up baby barf to speak (EXCLUSIVO!) to Spanish-language magazine TV Aqui about stuff.
The magazine didn't come out and ask Ricky if likes sausage in his butt taco, but they did ask if anybody had his heart at the moment. Ricky said that his "his heart could belong to a woman or a man."
Yeah, this is Gayken and Glamberace shocking. I just hope that if Ricky Martin ever decides to officially "come out" on the cover of a magazine, he does it on a Spanish-language one. I can already envision the really hot words they would use on the cover: ESCANDALO! EXCLUSIVO! LA VERGA! I will get that headline tattooed on my ass cheek.