Your Face Scares Me

....Lara Flynn Boyle turned the director of Wayne's World Penelope Spheeris into stone.

Fun Fact: Penelope Spheeris actually had brown hair when she showed up to the reunion, but it turned white when she saw what happened to Lara Flynn Boyle's face. When I look deep into Penelope's terrorized eyes, I can almost hear her saying to herself, "Don't make eye contact...don't make eye contact..."

So, some of the cast of Wayne's World 1 and 2 reunited at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills last night, because every now and again we need to be reminded that one day it's 1994 and the next day you have white hairs on your taint and you're old. Kevin Pollack, Lara Flynn Boyle, Colleen Camp (known to me as Yvette the Maid from Clue), Rob Lowe, Penelope Spheeris, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Lorne Michaels and Tia Carrere all came out. Rob Lowe almost looks the same and Mike and Dana look like late-in-life lesbian tennis players who were once rivals but are now lovers.

And then there's Lara Flynn Boyle. Every time I see pictures of Lara Flynn Boyle, it looks like she's injected something else into her face. You can't just go into the plumbing aisle at Home Depot, pick up something in a tube and inject into your face. That's not okay. She looks like a novocaine'd up blob fish. If Lara keeps screwing with her face, she's eventually going to look like La Bruja from Real Housewives of Miami. Actually, that's a compliment since La Bruja is the most gorgeous woman on basic cable.

Looking like the Ghost of Fame Whores Present, Kim Kartrashian walked into a frozen yogurt place in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday and that tension you feel is from her bra using its last strength to hold up her two ton titty balls. Maybe it's because I'm so used to seeing Kim looking like a pork sausage busting out of its leather casing, but titty trauma and face aside, this isn't completely hurting my eyeballs. I mean, the good news is that she isn't suffocating her bump with ten layers of Spanx and a leather skirt that's tighter than Kanye's b-hole after he got anal rejuvenation surgery the first time. If Kim continues to let her bump breathe, then maybe her publicity stunt baby won't be born all elongated and with its eyes smushed shut, which I guess is a bad thing since then it'll be able to clearly see who its parents are.

And replacing Botox with an all-natural replacement (aka Kanye's ass syrup) is making Kim's face morph back into its original state. She looks like a Saw puppet version of OctoMom.

In other Kartrashian news, TMZ says that Kim won't be in court on the first day of her divorce war against Kris Humphries, because she has to whore out her new bottle of stank water in NYC. Kim's lawyer tried to get the date moved from May 6th to May 3rd, but the judge denied her. Kim doesn't have to be in court on the first day anyway. Kim is expected to testify on the second or third day of the trial, so that gives Pimp Mama Kris plenty of time to program a pre-written script of lies into her hard drive.

The producers of The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills will save a little money next season, because they won't have to pay an animal handler to throw Temptations cat treats at Adrienne Maloof's face when she starts to growl. Adrianne is done.

After Adrienne threatened to sue Brandi Glanville for telling everyone that she used a surrogate to have her kids, she's barely been on the show. This morning People said that the producers of RHOBH threw a ball of yarn in the middle of the 405 freeway and told her to go and play with it, because they were sick of her constantly showing up late to shoots. A few hours after People reported that, Adrienne wrote on her blog that she's done with the show and those tramps and trollops will never see her post-op MGM Lion face again!

To my loyal fans… It was time to exit RHOBH

The show served as a wonderful platform for all the amazing projects that I have in the works. I am forever grateful to my fans, thank you for your support, and stay tuned! xoxoA

I would write a 10,000 word response to Adrienne's goodbye letter, but I'll let the human ice stone with eyes that is Yolanda Foster do it for all of us:

And here's Adrienne leaving a restaurant the other night with Sean Stewart who's looking more and more like a 1980s truck driver. Bitch looks like Larry Fortensky's truck stop bar driving buddy who smells like cigarettes, St. Pauli Girl and Aqua Velva and always keeps at least 5 pairs of aviator sunglasses in the glove box of his Trans Am.

Instead of paying Kanye West in taint licks to make her look like lukewarm shit, Kim Kardashian is paying a stylist in cash to make her look like lukewarm shit. Nicola Formichetti, the creative director of Mugler, told Page Six that he's dressing Kim's Thanksgiving gourd body and he loves it:

“Already she has a different body type than models. I think it’s sexy when the girls have the big ass and the voluminous body. It’s much sexier than skinny girls who are in tight clothes.”

And here's the Kim showing off Nicola's work while leaving her house the other day. It's nice to see that Kim is still the epitome of grace, demureness and sophistication even with her next Life & Style cover growing in her womb.

Never mind the fact that Kim's pants are eating her hooves or the fact that her sheer top is seven types of NO, what is going on with that heffa's face? I guess swelling from pregnancy and massive amounts of Botox don't mix well together. I just want to sit on a park bench and throw pieces of bread at her face, because bitch looks like a duck more than usual. Bitch looks like Magica De Spell and I should slap myself for typing that, because that's offensive to cartoon duck villainesses.

Lindsay Lohan showed up to the amfAR Gala in NYC last night and where oh where to begin...

THOSE CHEEKS! Phoebe Price better inject her farm to table cheeks with massive amounts of growth hormones, because LiLo is showing her up in the chicken cutlets department. LiLo's got a Costco chicken cutlets family pack stuffed into those cheeks.

THOSE LIPS! That lipstick color makes her lips look like two long keloids. Not that she was invited, but the only way LiLo can go to the Grammys this Sunday is if she covers the puffy labia lips on her face with a pussy pastie.

THAT WIG WEAVE THING! I'm not sure if that's an old wig, factory-defected Barbie hair from the Mattel factory or if she just pulled clumps of hair out of the drain, sprayed them down with shellac and threw that shit on her head.

THOSE SHOES! Those are the shoes that come in the amateur drag queen starter kit.

WOODY ALLEN! Creepy ass Woody Allen looks creeped out and that's an achievement since the contents of his hard drive can probably make the most seasoned FBI agent blush.

THE ENTIRE LOOK! It's very "60-something retired Italian porn star turned black widow."

With all that being said, this might be the best she's looked in months! I guess living in White Oprah's house is doing her some good. Yeah, the NYDN says that LiLo can't even afford rent at the Y, so she's moved back into her old room at White Oprah's house on Long Island. QUICK! Somebody get Albert Maysles over there, because that mess sounds like the coked up, drunk version of Grey Gardens. Grey Goose Gardens!

On one of the episodes of The Real Plastic Brains of Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville became the #1 enemy of the Maloofs when she spilled a secret about their lives. Adrienne Maloof threatened Brandi with a lawsuit and also threatened Bravo with a lawsuit, so the "scandalous secret" was bleeped from the episode. My guess was that Brandi told everyone that Adrienne is the Beast from Beauty and the Beast and that dum-dum Belle never kissed him in time to break the curse, so he made the best out of his look by getting a whole lot of plastic surgery to become the feline beauty he is today. But I was wrong.

Shortly after that episode air, there was a rumor that Brandi told the other ghouls that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her kids, because she didn't want to mess up her body. UsWeekly repeated that rumor last week. Adrienne wasn't ready to talk about it, but then Life & Style waved a check at her and suddenly she was ready! Adrienne says that her and her now estranged husband Paul did use a surrogate to have their twin boys, but she didn't use one because she didn't want to get fat. They used a surrogate because she had a lot of complications when she was pregnant with her fist kid. Adrienne was waiting until her twins were older to tell them that they didn't bake in her uterus, but Brandi took that away from her!!!!!!!!!

“I would think Brandi, being a single mother, would have a heart and understand my feelings, where I’m coming from. Brandi took away something so precious from our family. Brandi did destroy our family. Right now I’m really hurt and upset, especially because I’ve stuck up for Brandi as a mother in the past.”

When Life & Style asked Brandi for a response, she just shrugged and said that everybody knew about it, but Adrienne always lied and said that she's the one who carried her twins.

So the huge slanderous scandal is that Adrienne used a surrogate? The hell kind of scandal is that? Even if Adrienne used a surrogate because she didn't want to get fat, who cares? It's not a big deal and it's not bleep-worthy. Besides, I really thought most rich ass women in Beverly Hills used surrogates. You know, I thought they all had a room in their 50,000 square foot mansions that housed a surrogate carrying their baby, a Petri growing their next face and a lab rat with their new labia on its back.

Lil' Wayne has the paper bag book cover of faces, because it's covered in stupid doodles and if you look closely, you'll see where I wrote, "Will you go around with me? Circle yes for yes and no for no," before passing his face to one of my first beards Ruby in 7th grade math class. (Yes, I actually wrote that. It was my Tom Cruise phase.) Lil' Wayne's face was already a gallery of jacked up tattoos, but he turned it all the way up by getting the word "BAKED" inked onto his forehead. Fuse says that Wayne didn't get the word "BAKED" tattooed on his head, because that's the state his brain is always in, he got it to pay tribute to the skateboard company Baker. Whoring his forehead out for a skateboard company is one way Lil' Wayne wants to go through life.

If Wayne's love for Baker ever stops, he can always says that his tattoo is a tribute to Scrabble or Lay's or the Waffle House font. But seriously, Lil' Wayne is a dumb ass bitch of a goblin for giving that much forehead real estate to a skateboard company. If he knew what was good for him, he would've tattooed the following on his forehead: "WARNING - If you plan on letting me stick it in, make me wear ten condoms, overdose on the morning after pill and stick a Tyvek diaphragm up your coochie beforehand. If you don't, you will give birth to a litter of goblins in 9 months and there's only so much child support to go around. You've been warned!" Lil' Wayne's got a lot of forehead, so that entire PSA would've fit.

No, this is not a picture of international supermodel Phoebe Price declaring war on Gotham City after falling in a vat of toxic waste. This is freckled coke booger Lindsay Lohan flexing her 8-ball cheeks at the Hollywood premiere of the comedy event of the year Liz & Dick. Yes, they have premieres for Lifetime shit shows and no, the premiere wasn't held at a $3 movie theater in Simi Valley, CA and the after-party wasn't held in the back room of a discount strip club that's known for its world-class potato bar. The Liz & Dick premiere was held at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Bitch is moving up!

Wearing a stole made from the living room carpet at her favorite local crack house and a Windsor Fashions gown the slutty girl in your high school (aka you) wore to prom in the mid-90s, the Meryl Streep of basic cable posed for something other than a mug shot for once. Leave it to LiLo to teach us that no $8.99 stripper dress from the Flirt Catalog can be labeled as a work of elegance unless it has a whory hole cutout for your belly button. You can hiss at LiLo's nails all you want, but "dirty crack pipe water" will be the nail polish shade of the season. Looking like the trophy girl at the AVNs is the look.

And since no LiLo post is complete without a delusional cherry on top, here's this priceless gem:

"Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I've never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and I respect the law."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As RuPaul would say, "That's funny! Tell another one!" 

If you had Good Morning America on mute while getting ready for work today, you probably thought that Amy Robach was interviewing some 60-something Boca Raton socialite about the dangers of injecting insulation foam directly into your face. That wasn't a 60-something Boca Raton socialite, it was Lindsay Lohan who was on GMA to piss Barbara Walters off yet again.

LiLo was also on GMA to whore out the post-Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick and she talked about how she got the role. Surprisingly (served between two layers of lukewarm sarcasm), the producers didn't go to LiLo first. LiLo went to them. Specifically, she called them all the time, hid in the bushes outside of their houses, followed their children to school and crawled into their beds at night until they finally gave in, screamed MERCY and threw the role at the bitch. The skills she learned from  stalking SamRo paid off and it got her a job.

Then Amy Robach brought up LiLo's half-sister and ho tried to act like it was the first time she heard about this:

"I didn't even hear that, so thanks for the news. I don't pay attention to any of it. I don't want to get into that. I want to stay on the positive side of things."

Please, when Lindsay Lohan isn't crank calling (meaning she does crank before calling) her rival Barbara Walters, she's Googling herself. So of course this ho knew about having a half-sister, but it's best to play dumb.

When you almost hit a baby in a stroller with your Porsche, pretend like you didn't see it and you don't even know what a baby looks like. When a cop finds a hot necklace in your purse, pretend that it's not your purse and you'll have to look up the word "stolen" in the dictionary, because you don't even know what that means. When Amy Robach asks you about your half-sister, pretend you don't know what she's talking about. The Lohan family oath states that you must always share your stash with a blood relative, but if you don't admit to having a half-sister, then technically you don't have to share your 8-ball with her.

And there's today's lesson from LiLo!

Jermaine Jackson named 2 out of his 9 children Jermajesty and Jaafar, so he obviously has his doctorate in Fucked Up Names and he's at it again. This time Jermaine Jackson is dipping his own last name in liquid foolery. The L.A. Times says that Jermaine has gone to court and asked them to let him legally change his last name from Jackson to Jacksun. Yes, JackSUN. That sounds like the name of a lube made of orange juice. We all know that Jermaine is changing his name because he is crazy and suffers from chronic attention whoreism, but he claims he's doing it for "artistic reasons."

If you read that last part as "artistic raisin" and then looked up at that picture, this story probably makes even more sense to you.

Before Jermaine Jackson officially becomes Jermaine Jacksun, a judge has to approve it, he has to announce his new last name in a publication and there has to be a public hearing where anyone can object the change. In other words, bitch is going to attention whore the shit out of this name change.

Jermaine Jackson looks like the broken condom baby of a chewed up piece of steak fat and the sun, so changing the "son" in his last name to "sun" is fitting. You know, though, I shouldn't challenge the decision making skills of a California Raisin who can work every sparkle on a Zales tennis bracelet and who fills his hairline in with a Sharpie. Jermaine styles his hair to look like a melting tire, so I shouldn't question him on anything. The bitch knows what he's doing.