Your Face Scares Me

UsWeekly is saying that Ceiling Eyes has bagged another hot piece. According to their asses, Ceiling Eyes is now looking up to Mark Salling (aka Puck the MILF lover from Glee).

Some hos spotted Ceiling Eyes and Puck getting close at Voyeur in Los Angeles last Thursday. The two spent 45-minutes talking into each other's ears and laughing about how she can never see her own toes. Ceiling Eyes and Puck left in separate cars, but apparently followed each other to continue the fun and games elsewhere.

Just add Puck to Ceiling Eyes' long list of prime dick including: Chris Pine, Corey Bohan (no relation to Blohan) and that Justin Bobby douche.

What the hell is the secret to Ceiling Eyes fuckcess? Maybe dudes are charmed by her permanent case of "dick sucking" eyes? Or maybe she just has a really good publicist. Yeah, my nipples are pointing to the latter.

Finally somebody has told Joe "Bitch Better Have My Money" Jackson to go play with a metal fork and a wall socket in the corner. TMZ reports that a Los Angeles judge has told Joe that he needs to get back out on the streets with the other pimps, because Michael Jackson's estate will not deposit an allowance into his checking account every month.

Last week, Joe filed papers requesting a piece of Michael Jackson's estate. Joe whined about how his expenses are more than $15,000 a month and Michael used to help him out when he was alive. Well, the judge threw that shit out in the back and told Joe he has no legal right to that cash.

Don't you shed a tear for Joe, I'm sure he'll find a way to keep his pockets full of dollars. Maybe the Haunted House at Disneyland will hire him to scare the dick off of bitches. Who needs an animatronic devil when you've got Joe Jackson? Satan would hire Joe to do some of his dirty work here on earth, but even he's afraid of his ass! Joe has got Satan running off in fear.

Look! It's a giant asshole and a giant pussy. You decide which is which.

If you happened to be making your way to Times Square in NYC last night when your genitals suddenly jumped off your crotch and headed straight for Port Authority, you now know why. Jon Grosslelin and Levi Johnston shared the same space in Times Square to shoot a segment for The Insider. Where was Nancy Grace or Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head when we needed them most?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go douse my pea coat with pig's blood and feed it to a pack of wild coyotes.

Image VIA NYDN

One of Sammy Sosa's friends has come out to defend him after a picture of him looking like he's on step 3 of "Michael Jackson's Guide to Beauty" started making people talking. Rebecca Polihronis, a former Cubs employee who talks to Sosa all the time, told the Chicago Sun-Times that he's in the process of going through a laser treatment to his skin after spending years playing in the sun.

Rebecca said, "He's not trying to be Michael Jackson. He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin. Women have it all of the time. He was surprised he came out looking so white. I thought it was a body double. Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting. He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin. The picture is deceiving. He said, 'If you saw me in person, you would be surprised. When you see me in person, it is not going to seem like the picture.' People who saw him in person did not react the same way. He can't believe it is such a big deal. He has always been concerned with the way he looks. Probably just bad timing going to an awards show."

REJUVENATION PROCESS?! Unless Sosa was born a baked potato, this "rejuvenation process" is not working. Get a refund. Seriously, I just want to throw a stick of butter and a tub of sour cream on him (hold the chives).

And what does Sammy have to say about those swap meet-bought lemur contacts in his eyes? Let me guess? Eyeball rejuvenation? Bitch should get brain rejuvenation while he's at it.

I shouldn't say that. If Sammy is okay with little children running for the nearest church after seeing him, then good for him.

On the left is Sammy Sosa at an event back in December of last year. On the right is the same person at the Latin Grammy Awards in Las Vegas on Wednesday night. THE FUCK is right!

Sammy must have an explanation that makes some kind of sense. Either: a) This is Sammy's idea of a Michael Jackson tribute. b) Sammy was attacked by a zombie and is well on his way to becoming one of them. c) Sammy has a skin condition. d) Sammy has straight-up lost his mind.

I'm tempted to go with D, because that explains why his eyes also look like they've been doused in bleach. I CAN'T!

You be the judge and the jury! Below are pictures of Sammy and his wife (who looks like a Khloe Kardashian/Gloria Estefan hybrid) at the Latin Grammys this past week. I also threw in some pictures of darker Sammy at a People event this past May.

I didn't even have to blink twice before figuring out who Cojo dressed up as to Heidi Klum's Halloween party last night. When my dog ran out of the room screaming, I knew that only one beast could instill that kind of fear into small furry animals: KHLOE KARDASHIAN!!!!!!

Cojo makes a better Khloe Kardashian than Khloe Kardashian does. And he nailed that "hongray for woodland creatures" look in his eye. It's so real! You're expecting him to yank that veil off, howl at the moon and then gallop off into the darkness. Just like the real Khloe.

Although, my only criticism is that he could've used more arm and upper lip hair for authenticity. Other than that, Cojo triumphed as Khloe. You know Lamar Odom will be busting into face seizures all day from jacking off to these pictures like maniac. I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it off with Khloe and proposes to KhloJo instead.

I understand if you have to excuse yourself from this post so that you can run to the nearest church where you will dip your face in holy water and fill your eye holes with crushed up communion wafers. This picture will have some of you grabbing for the cross. Moving on....

Yesterday, there were a rumor going around that LiLo and Balthazar Getty got it on a club in Hollywood. Blohan has taken that rumor, boiled it up, spread it on a flat surface, chopped it and snorted it up her nose hole! She claims it is all sorts of false. She told Gossip Cop that she only met Balthazar Getty for the first time that night. She also added, “You think I would do that to Sam [Ronson]? I love her.”

Blohan probably doesn't remember what happened 10 seconds ago, let alone what happened this past weekend, so the moment could have already been expelled from her brain. As it should have.

And how is she supposed to keep track of all the people (or things) she makes out with? I think she just sticks her tongue down any open hole from a bathroom drain to Balthazar Getty's mouth (they taste the same).

56-year-old Shirley Rae Dieu of Irvine, CA went to Dr. Phil for therapy (mistake number one), but says she left his office more fucked up than when she got there. Yesterday, Shirley filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles claiming that during her therapy session with Dr. Phil in 2007, he molested her left booby, forced her to stare at a live nekkid man and refused to let her leave his Hollywood office. Basically, it sounds like a nightmare directed by David Lynch.

In the documents, Shirley says Dr. Phil brainwashed her by making her watch "tapings depicting her as a different personality other than her own." And about that nekkid dude thing, Shirley says Dr. Phil "forced her to be in the same room with a completely live naked man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all."

Dr. Phil kept her captive in his office, and when she tried to get out of there, his staff stopped her. They also refused to let her sleep or eat. Shirley tells People that another woman is going to join her lawsuit. Shirley is asking for cash money, but the specific amount is not known yet.

Shirley is no stranger to suing a bitch. In 2002, she sued a hospital for malpractice. Two years ago, she also sued a car dealership. According to People, Shirley is acting as her own attorney.

Look at that face. If that face was looking at you while his hand was on your booby, you'd never recover. You would develop instant-cataracts, foam at the mouth uncontrollably and probably live under your backyard deck. I wouldn't be able to talk, let alone file a lawsuit. However, this is Dr. Phil she's talking about, and he's the skeeziest skeeze who ever skeezed, so let's believe it.

And what the fuck with the live (as opposed to dead) nekkid man thing? If that's what Dr. Phil considers therapy, make me a damn appointment.

In the new Harper's Bazaar, Tina Fey said that she's not about to get intimate with a botox needle anytime soon, because she doesn't want to look like a shiny candle. To be more specific, a holiday candle. Tina said, "You can point any kind of laser at my face, but I don't think Botox is for me. I think it is bad. People who have too much, they look like their faces are full of candles — a shiny, shiny face." Festive, though. "Yes, festive. A holiday candle."

And now I can clearly see what Tina meant by this. When you skip into a Yankee Candle this holiday season, don't be too shocked if you see Nicole Kidman chilling on a shelf with a wreath around her neck and a wick on top of her head. In the clearance section, of course.

Here's Nicole Kidman at an Omega store in NYC looking surprisingly moist for someone who probably can't drink a glass of water without a surgeon carefully inserting a skinny straw into her mouth.

Karl Lagerfeld and Donatella Versace have nothing to worry about, because it looks like they are still the top constipated zombies in fashion. Blohan's debut collection for Ungaro failed to make some of the critics jizz in their chonies. Blohan didn't actually design any of this shit, she was merely the "artistic adviser." I'm guessing it means she was in charge of cutting the lines and making sure the cokepants could at least store a gram.

WWD called the collection, designed by Estrella Archs, a complete "embarrassment." They also said, "As for the clothes, they looked cheesy and dated, as has often been the case during chez Ungaro’s post-Emanuel revolving door of designers. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver. Nor in a million years would one guess that the lineup was designed by one young woman and 'creative directed' by another. Glitter heart pasties all around, ladies? For Lohan, she’ll weather the criticism, hardly her first or her juiciest, and move on when her contract allows. But Archs has her work cut out for her. Backstage after the show, she said the collection 'had to be designed very quickly.' Perhaps that was the problem. This storied house has been in disarray for years, and though Archs’ debut provided no indication that she’s up to the challenge, she should be given the chance to find out without a younger, non-skilled judge with theoretical veto power hovering about."

You know, I actually like these whore clothes, because it looks like it was something that came out of the vagina of the 1980s. I mean, if a grown-up Rainbow Bright fell on hard times and had to peddle her wares on the ho stroll, she'd wear this shit for sure. Give me pasties, bare titties, almost exposed crotch areas and I'm happeh!

As for Blohan's face/lips situation, there's really nothing more to say. Blohan is making Courtney Love look like a pure teardrop from the eye of a virgin angel. Just hit Ctrl+Alt+BITCHLOOKSBEAT.