Your Face Scares Me

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you've got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you'll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don't even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing's crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan's face for the past few weeks. That's very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here's 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she's appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn't White Oprah in jail?

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.

The human (that's debatable) version of a Hot Topic bobble head, Marilyn Manson, will have to spend a few days resting in his coffin because he says he has the swine flu. Yeah, better late than never, I guess.

Marilyn said, "So I have officially been diagnosed, by a real doctor, with THE SWINE FLU. I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have in no way contributed to me acquiring this mysterious sickness. Unfortunately, I am going to survive.”

I would never suggest that Marilyn got it by boning a pig. However, I would suggest that he got it from doing massive amounts of oral with chocolate covered bacon, chicharrónes, Honey Baked ham and pig pie.

VIA Prefix Magazine

In case you didn't notice the douchesicle hiding under that LOOKATME mask, it's devoted father and husband Pete Wentz famewhoring it like a pro while walking to the music studio. Pete thought he had this shot wrapped up, but little did he know that a kid behind him stole his moment by throwing a sideways V for Vagina sign.

Too bad Kathy Griffin wasn't driving by. She would've mistook Pete for an off-duty Oscar statute and immediately snatched him up. The world would be rid of Pete, because he'd be forever trapped in a glass cabinet over Kathy's toilet.

We finally know the secret to shutting up TyTy Baby's mouth hole in a quick second! Just ask her about Janice Dickinson and Paulina Porizkova. That's what Cynthia McFadden did during her interview with TyTy which aired on Nightline last night.

Cynthia, who needs take a lesson at the Learning Annex on how to pronounce Paulina Porizkova's name right, asked a question she was told NOT to ask. TyTy's spokeswhore immediately told Cynthia not to go there, but she didn't listen.

Cynthia grabbed her shank and went right in. The look on TyTy's face is priceless. I was waiting for her to pull her weave out and headbutt Cynthia in the mouth. It would've been game over for Cynthia, because TyTy's infinityhead of destruction is no joke.

After a few awkward seconds of TyTy trying to keep her composure while freaking out inside, Cynthia said that people were saying that Janice and Paulina were just jealous. This prompted TyTy to respond, "Is that what you think? You said it! Is that what you think? You said it! I do interviews! You said it!"

YES! I love it when TyTy completely turns inside out while getting a taste of her own medicine. You said it! I didn't say it!

When Jasmine Fiore was murdered and the now dead Ryan Jenkins was named as her alleged killer, Vh1 immediately liquefied Megan Wants a Millionaire and injected it into Daisy De La Hoya's face lips. Vh1 has no plans to ever air Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3, because the rumor is that Ryan won both shows. But it's not over for Megan! The famewhore will always rise above! According to Radar Online, she's about to whore it up some more in another reality show for Vh1.

A source (aka Lily her chihuahua) said that after Vh1 canceled her show, they promised her another one if she kept her whore mouth shut about the Fiore murder. The source went on to say that we won't see a re-do of Megan Wants a Millionaire, because her new show won't focus on dating stuff. They haven't completely decided what kind of show it will be.

We all knew we would see Megan's stale dumpling face again. You can spray the Vh1 roaches with RAID and try to flatten them with your chankla, but they will always come back. Hopefully, Vh1 gives us what we really want to see: An entire reality show featuring Sharon Osbourne beating Megan's ass over and over and over and over again. Megan Wants A Beat Down!

UPDATE: According to Vh1, this story is false and they have not given Megan another show.

Jon Grosslin's douche express made a stop over in Las Vegas yesterday so that he could host a pool party at Wet Republic at the MGM Grand. Even if MGM paid his ass in Ed Hardy diapers, a pair of CZ studs from Spencer's Gifts and a new potted plastic plant (for Hailey), then they still overpaid. MGM could've just put a lukewarm bottle of Summer's Eve on one of the lounge chairs and it would've been the exact same thing.

IN THIS ECONOMY, a check is a check, but what the hell is next for J.Gross? A rap album (Titled: 99 Problems and Kate is all of them)? A Girls Gone Wild video? Ick Nast. But at least Jon kept his Pillsbury dough moobs under wraps, so that was nice of him.

But enough about Jon and his neverending early mid-life crisis, let's talk about the glamorous beauty that is his mother! Now that Kate's rabid possum isn't around to maul her eyeballs, it's safe for her to come out and douche it up with her son!

Look at Mama Gosselin keeping it sessy in her visor while posing with the fly honeys (copyright: Marky Mark). Speaking of the fly honeys, the one posing with Mama Gosselin in the third thumbnail below is squeezing those thighs for dear life, because I think bitch's little friend is about to steal the spotlight. Tuck game FAIL! Squeeze, bitch, squeeze!

Trace Cyrus isn't going to just lay around in his stall, chewing on carrots while nursing a broken heart. No, Trace is going to show that Demi Lovato chick that he is moving on. Last night in Hollywood, Trace galloped down the streets with a Demi look-alike he probably leased from Craigslist.

The two just couldn't resist their animal attraction towards each other, so they mouth fucked in front of the paps. While everyone who was witnessing lost all feeling in their genitals, the Demi wannabe lost her dignity. It's a fair trade!

And when Trace is finished doing Equus shit with that chick, he needs to immediately report to The Maury Povich Studios. I'm pretty sure that Trace's true parents are Jesse Camp and Flicka. The truth must be revealed!

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

Candy Spelling needs a shot of Lithium in her tongue, because she is bipolar as fuck. Last week, Candy sent off an open rant to TMZ about how Tori is a middle-aged reality TV whore blah blah blah oink blahz snort blahz. TMZ must have stopped returning her cries of crazy, because this week, she ran off to USA Today and had this message for her daughter: "I love you, and I always will." Candy, do not drag Dolly Parton into your mess!

Candy went on to yap that she wrote the letter to TMZ, because she didn't like how she was portrayed on Tori's reality show. Candy also said why she never talks to Tori, "My daughter doesn't like the telephone. She doesn't answer. I text her. I have left messages. I've looked for her at the trough. I've e-mailed her, and she doesn't respond." And she went on, "It could be years of disappointment. Maybe someday she'll get it. She's my daughter. I may not approve of everything she does, but I love her." And on..... "They (her grandchildren) are living a different life than my children lived as they grew up, and I wanted them to know some of how their mother grew up, and some of our wonderful memories."

Does Candy ever shut the dick up? Tori can't talk to her mother, because every time she opens her mouth to say something, Candy probably starts yammering on and on and on.... No wonder the Spellings had like a million rooms in their houses. It was so the entire family could escape Candy's constant yammering. Someone put an apple in her mouth already! LUAU

And why should Tori bother picking up the phone when she's going to read about it in Life & Style, the PennySaver, Craigslist, her fortune cookie etc... etc... etc.....

Image: Fayes Vision/Wenn.com