Your Face Scares Me

Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.

Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."

You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.

.....you know some straight up undiluted fuckery is going to come pouring out (along with a little back-up nut soup). In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Rupert Everett doesn't hold his mouth hole back about everything from Fishsticks Paltrow to Obama to Michael Jackson. Let's see what Mr. Constipated Face had to say about the latter first....

"He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him. He personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died. He was supposed to be doing 50 concerts in London. It wouldn't have mattered how good or bad he was. He wouldn't have managed to do all of them and the press would have destroyed him."

What I think Rupert is trying to say is that the world threw so many caca nuggets at Michael Jackson that it's better for him that he's moonwalking through the clouds above free of all the shit. Si? Rupert just has a way of sounding like his words are coming out of a colonic tube. I can relate. Now, let's see what he has to say about Obama....

"We're living in very strange times. We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch."

And he lost me there! Let's see if he can get me back with his comparison of Fishsticks and Katie Price....

"If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan. With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day."

Aaaaaaaand he's got me back. Now that is a statement I can sign off on with confidence. Harvey will be my co-signer.

In an interview with Harper's Bazaar UK (via Fox News), Rachel Weisz says all actors should be banned from injecting their faces with the liquid cement known as BOTOX! Rachel explains, "It should be banned for actors, as steroids are for sportsmen. Acting is all about expression; why would you want to iron out a frown?"

Speaking of frowns, here's Nicole Kidman giving Rachel one for making that absurd statement! Yeah, Nicole is madder than fish grease! Can't you tell? Well, you can tell, because her hair is all Medusa-like. Every time she tries to frown, the pressure makes her hair curl.

There's no way Nicole would ever stop dropping Botox loads on her face. If she quit it, her face skin would slowly slide off of her head. It's the glue that keeps her together! How would she act if her face was only bone and tissue? Oh, wait. Mickey Rourke was nominated for an Oscar for doing just that.

Here's a few pictures of Nicole Kidman's plastic face slowly melting in the sun while filming Rabbit Hole in Queens, NY yesterday.

Since Tom Cooze's last two movies (that Nazi cacaness and that lamb shit) didn't even make enough money to cover his monthly anal bleaching bill, he is going back to a sure thing: the Mission Impossible series. J.J. Abrams tells TVGuide (via Coming Soon) that he will once again deal with Tommy's craziness in order to produce Mission Impossible 4.

J.J. said, "I am incredibly honored that Tom has invited me back as a producer on Mission: Impossible 4. Tom and I have come up with a really cool idea we are pursuing."

Joo know what's a mission impossible? Getting me to see a Tom Cooze movie without lying to me by saying that the theater makes their popcorn with Valium oil and that they sell Junior Weed Mints at the counter. Okay, can somebody please start selling Junior Weed Mints. Thank you.

I hope the "cool idea" they are pursuing is casting Suri Cruise as the villainess with anti-depressants as her henchmen.

Never before has a fugshot caused my brain to almost malfunction because of the dozens of images flying at me. I saw DEATH, an anorexic Penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.

Who knew that Phil Spector was hiding a mullet and some broke down plugs underneath his wig.

This mug shot is trying to lure me into the back of a van by promising me endless supplies of candy. I am not taking the candy. NO.

Send your dry cleaning bill to The Smoking Gun for providing this portrait of fugness.

Candy and Tori Spelling pretty much pull out their pubic hairs whenever they think of each other. That's no secret. But Candy has upped her cunt game by blaming Tori for Aaron Spelling's death.

While whoring out her book on 94.7 WMAS-FM in Massachusetts today, Candy oinked, "My daughter one day decided that she wasn't speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that's how it's continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that's what killed my husband, actually. He just didn't want to live after that. He had just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn't do anything for her."

Aaron died in 2006 at the age 83. Yeah, the fact that he was older than oatmeal had nothing to do with his death. Tori's absence obviously did him in.

After saying all that, Porky Pig's long-lost twin sister still doesn't understand why her daughter uses her picture as a dart board. Candy said, "I've always been trying to work on the relationship. I don’t know what the anger is."

Methinks Candy needs to pay a little visit to her surgeon so that he can loosen her face a bitch (typo and it stays) and let it breathe. The tightness is effing with the part of her brain that controls common sense.

VIA E! Online

Things you shouldn't see while sober: Lady CaCa on the cover of Rolling Stone with queef bubbles floating out of her crotch. Calgon, take her the fuck away already!

If Bette Midler circa 1978 and a special needs bull dog mated at Chernobyl......

The only thing that rises when I think of Lady CaCa is my fist, because it wants to punch her in the mouth. And here's a quote from the magazine that might make you to do the same: “I don’t feel like I look like the other perfect little pop singers. I think I’m changing what people think is sexy.”

VIA Jezebel (Thanks Al)

A hurricane of fugness attacked Palm Springs this weekend when Tori Spelling decided to venture out in public in a bikini. Ring the fuck alarm! Seriously, does Tori hate humanity that much?! Okay, okay, I'll try and be nice for once in my life. Tori does have a face that only an entomologist could love. And titty balls that only a shot putter would touch. See, I can be nice sometimes!

In related news, thousands of eyeballs were seen hitchhiking along Highway 111.

If you really love feeling dry heavey, take a look at more pictures of Tori. And one of these pictures is not of Tori, her baby or her creepy husband. You are a genius with laser-sharp eyesight if you can correctly guess which one.

When I was a kid, my abuelita used to take me to her neighborhood church. At her church, there was this statue of Jesus. This was the most broke down, janky, raggedy, low-budget statute I had ever seen in my entire life. This status made the ones you buy at the border in Tijuana look like they were made from the hands of Michelangelo himself. This statute's nose was broken off, the coloring was way off and I'm pretty sure it was made from the melted down wax from patron saint candles bought at the local Thrifty's.

Well, Jacko looks like a walking version of that exact statue. If my abuelita ever saw him in the street, she would put on her veil and start praying before him. Actually, I think I may light a candle and pray myself, because his face makes me feel like I need to find a high power.