Your Face Scares Me

Who knew John and Elizabeth from Nine 1/2 Weeks would both grow up to look like two puss-filled ass warts that really need to be drained. If I was at The Informers premiere in L.A. last night, I would've thought that I accidentally stumbled into a Tupperware party. This much plastic is not fantastic. Seriously, if a He-Man and a Barbie doll were both thrown into a pot of boiling water, this is what it would look like.

They were so fucking hot back in the day and now they just need to be stuck in a corn field to scare the crows off. I shouldn't say that. They can stay, they just shouldn't get too close to each other for their own safety! The chemistry might still be there, so if they rubbed against each other, all would be left is two sad shrinky dinks lying on the ground.

On the left is a perfectly lovely 49-year-old English queen and on the right is a satisfied corpse after Shonna from Family Plots worked her mortician magic on it. The Funeral Fairy of South Carolina would be all over this bitch!

There's really no way of saying this, but Rupert Everett bludgeoned his own face with a WTF stick! Star Magazine got an expert to say Rupert looks 10 years younger. Um...paging Dr. Glatt! I'm going going to need you to stand really still while I stamp a big "WRONG" on your forehead. Rupert doesn't look 10 years younger, but he does look 10 zillion times creeper! Who was his plastic surgeon? Madame Tussaud?

Experiment time! Light a candle, let it melt a bit, blow it out and then quickly stick your thumb on the liquid wax. Let dry for 2 quick seconds, then take a good look at it. Rupert Everett with his eyes closed, right? Yeeeeeeah, that's not what's hot.

By the way, that horrifying screen shot of Rupert is from when he was on The Martha Stewart show a week ago. I'm shocked Martha didn't draw a fleur-de-lis design on his face with a silver marker then stick a wick on top of his head and light him.

More like "Are you trying to make us barf through our eye sockets, Ms. Rinna?" I really wish Playboy made this a SANS FARDS issue. And by "fards," I mean farty turds, because then 45-year-old Lisa Rinna would never have been allowed to be on this cover.

This cover is like the scary basement door in a horror movie. You know that when you open up it, you will be violated to the point that your organs will shrivel up and die, but you can't help yourself. You want to know if the hemorrhoid lips match. Put some Prep H on it, please! I can't... I really can't...

(Thanks Ted in LA)

Nicole Kidman showed up to the Academy of Country Music Awards with her wee little calico kitty-haired husband and wearing one of Breathless Mahoney's old ones. While Nicole decided to wear something old, she also wore something new. I'm talking about her lips. Did she stuff those things with even more generic-brand vegetable oil?! I know her lips usually look like Michelle Duggar's labia lips after a Brazilian wax, but this shit has gone too far. Nicole's lips are looking like two overstuffed pieces of sausage that were boiled too long and started to split. Nicole just can't let go of Tommy Girl, because I bet he has a matching pair on his Scientolohole.

For the first time in a long time, I don't have the sudden urge to throw Nicole's face back and forth with a friend in the park, so that's a good thing. It still doesn't move, but I spot one wrinkle, so she's making improvement. Lastly, let's talk about that hair. THAT HAIR! It needs a bowl of Werther's Originals on top, because that shit is memaw-approved. That gerartric mop screams "Mah social security check is late!"

For those of you that are taking Alli, I suggest that the next time your asshole starts leaking greasy diarrhea, you bottle that shit STAT! Valentino will buy it from you by the gallon, because it looks like he loves to slather his face in poopy oil. That's his look. You might see a colonic gone wrong, but Valentino sees booty and poofection.

Here's Valentino looking like something Brit Brit might fart out at the premiere of his documentary in Los Angeles last night with Fishsticks and Anne Hathaway.

White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance.

According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, “Do you know who I am?” And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!”

The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again!

And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club.

Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.

The walking and talking Reno, NV ash tray known as Katherine Hagel is speaking out about the rumors that she wants to scoot her ass off of Grey's Anatomy. At the show's 100th episode party last night, Katherine said she'll stay on the show as long as they have her, ''I'm there if Izzie remains part of Grey's Anatomy." Shonda Rhimes, that's your cue to let go off the rope and cackle as the ax falls on that bitch!

Katherine also told The New York Times that making millions of dollars stinking up movie sets during her Grey's hiatus is fucking exhausting, but she's willing to do it. The hag said, ''I'm more than happy to make that compromise. As my agent likes to say, 'High-class problems. I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two."

If Hagel pulled her ugly head out of her asshole long enough to have a conversation with a real person she would find out that working 12 months out of the year is called a fucking JOB! Imagine that! The poor little hag! Being forced to work 12 months out of the year is so hard, but having to look at her annoying face 12 months out of the year is even worse!

Mickey Rourke may have lost the top prize on Sunday, but he will get an Oscar of his very own to terrorize with his face that only Loki can love. That's because he's apparently going to adopt a chihuahua and name him Oscar. Mickey is still burning his face with tears over Loki, so he's hoping to mend the broken piece of his heart a little by getting another dog friend.

A source tells Radar, "Mickey has other dogs but he misses Loki terribly. He doesn't want to wait long either - he wants to get his new pooch this week. The new dog won't replace Loki but by naming it Oscar Mickey says he'll make his comeback year even more special."

We were totally ripped off on Sunday, because we didn't get a rambling Rourke rant. Methinks the FCC had something to do with that shit! Because of that, when Mickey gets his new Oscar, he better hold some kind of press conference and give us the speech we've all been waiting (and boozing) for!

Also, I hope Mickey adopts a needy chihuahua from one from the worst pet dungeons in the world: Parasite Hilton's house.

Every time I watch the marshmallow queen known as Cojo on ET or The Insider, my peen gets a little smaller. When his mug comes on the screen I have to run to the bathroom and cover my peen hole. If I watch an entire segment with him, I'll only be left with a clit. And not a Chyna-sized clit either! So, my peen welcomes the rumor that the sugarplump fairy might soon fly away from CBS.

Page Six says that the producers of ET and The Insider are looking to replace him with the head stylist of the show, because Cujo has become a real bitch who refuses to promote the shows. The source said, "His Q ratings have plummeted, and he's on so rarely now that if you break down what he gets paid per appearance, it's astronomical and not worth it." You mean, they don't pay him that queen in acorns, peroxide and glazed anal beads (his donut hole likes it extra sugary)?

A spokesbitch for ET and The Insider says Page Six's source is lie-telling on the major.

You know, Culo doesn't need that mess anyway! There's bigger things in his future! Now he can spend all his time to working on his Reno, NV dinner theater spectacle called Chastity Belt: The Chastity Bono Story.

I used to think that only Lisa Rinna's lips looked like a puss-filled, crusty roid, but now I think her whole face looks like it should be sitting comfortably inside a butt crack. The same goes for Nikki Cox. Why are these woman doing this shit? What do they have against looking pretty? Do they think they will get more attention if they look like they should be marinating in a tub of Preparation H? Well, it's working.

Although, in Nikki's defense, Jay Mohr is to blame. Fucking his stupid ass would turn anyone into a Klingon. When his peen goes in, your hotness gets sucked the fuck out.

Here's Lisa Rina, Nikki Cox and Nikki's dehydrated chichis at the Grammy Awards last night. And both of those dresses really belong on the Rock of Love Bang Bus.