Your Face Scares Me

This is why Brenda Walsh is needed on that 90210 crap.

Yesterday, that dumb bitch Kelly Taylor and Donna Martin filmed a scene in Beverly Hills where they had to cross the street. Brenda would have never ever let this opportunity pass her by. I mean, Donna Martin near moving traffic? You do the math. Actually, Brenda could've just moved the umbrella off of Praying ManTori. The water would have melted her down into a puddle of buggy eyes and desperation.

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

Lady Vadge will flee her native England and return to America with her kids in tow. It's Christmas again in the UK! The Evening Standards says Vadge has temporarily won the right to take Rocco and David to NYC. That shit will become forever permanent in a couple of weeks.

Vadge and Guy Ritchie were divorced a couple of months ago, but never decided on where the kids will live. Guy apparently wanted the boys to continue to go to school in England, but Vadge wanted them with her in NYC. Vadge won. She always wins!

A source close to the situation said, “Everything is going to be resolved in the next couple of weeks. Everything is going well. It's pretty amicable at the moment. Things are progressing. There was a issue about where the children should live but that has been decided in Madonna's favor.”

This sounds like a wonderful decision. Who needs a father around anyway? I grew up without my father around all the time and I turned out beautifully. Yes, I regularly cry in my shower wondering why my daddy left me, but other than that, I'm totally normal.

And I feel like both of our governments should have worked together on this. Since we're getting Vadge back, England should have to take one of our useless celebwhores. Parasite Hilton is there right now! Keep her. Oh and keep Vadge's accent too.

Mickey Rourke has a hatchetface perfect for the wrestling world, so I'm a little disappointed to hear that he's not going to pulverize opponents with his fug mug on WrestleMania 25. The rumors started when Mickey told E! at the MyFaceDontSAG Awards that he was going to tuck his roid rod into some sexy neon lyrca pants and get down at WrestleMania. Mickey even threatened Chris Jericho by saying, "You better get in shape because I'm coming after your ass." After he said that, Chris' ass cheeks shriveled into his asshole out of fear of coming nalgas to fug with Mickey.

Mickey's threat prompted all parties involved to bounce on Larry King. It was a good night for human virgins with pure blood, because Larry and Mickey were not out hunting them for nourishment. Instead, Mickey was busy taking a verbal beat down from Chris Jericho. Yeah, it's just an act. It's hard to take wrestlers seriously when they always talk in that "I so menacing" voice. Imagine Chris' sexy talk. It's probably a totally boner breaker. Instead of sounding like he wants to softly lick your puss, he probably sounds like he wants to punch and pin it down.

Shortly after Mickey's appearance on Larry King, his spokeswhore issued a statement denying that he was going to go pro. "Mickey was very honored to be asked, as he has the greatest respect for WWE. However, he will not be participating in WrestleMania. He is focusing entirely on his acting career."

Micky was probably just afraid that if someone slapped him the wrong way, his face would go flying off into the audience and that would embarrassing.

Are you feeling too smart today? Do you want to feel dumber? Well, watch this entire video and your brain cells will quickly start exploding one by one. Before you know it, you'll be babbling incoherently just like Wonky and Lady CaCa.

This brain killing clip is of Wonky "interviewing" Lady CaCa in some rundown storage room (how fitting) at a club in London during a Nokia event. Wonky talks like she has a dick in her mouth, because she usually does. Lady CaCa talks like she just gargled with a gallon of cokey water (and swallowed a lot of it). But in her defense, being that close to Wonky makes you dumb. Scientific fact.

Seriously, a frozen dog turd and a Kim Zolciak's road kill wig could have a more intelligent conversation than these two fucktards.

And make sure to watch the 1:42 mark to see Wonky's "special needs gorilla" dance.

When Evan Rachel Wood broke it off with corpse lizard Marilyn Manson, there were rumors that she comforted herself by licking on Mickey Rourke's ham scramble face. She denied that shit by saying they "bonded" while making The Wrestler (Evan plays his angsty daughter) and are just good friends. Well, it looks like they are still bonding....with their mouths.

FoxNews says that after the S(L)AG Awards on Sunday, 21-year-old Evan and 56-year-old Mickey were tongue fighting outside of the Four Seasons Hotel. Some witness person said that after they finished killing the flowers and plants around them by kissing, they went upstairs together.

Who can blame Evan for not being able to resist The Mickey? You see that face and all you want to do is just sit on it! Mostly because your precious eyebrows start burning off if you look at Mickey's hatchet face too long, so you just have to sit on it to stop the pain.

And I'd totally hit it, because I'm curious as to what the peen looks like now. My peendar doesn't work on Mickey. When I try to imagine what the dick is like, my peendar shuts down and gives me a 404 error. His dick probably looks like a pork rind.

Kim from The Real Hos of Atlanta is at Sundance because Park City probably has a really bad problem with rabid Mormon coyotes attacking tourists. They figured that if they invited Kim's mangy ass, rabies-ridden wig, the coyotes would stop biting the tourists because they'd be too busy trying to get one of their babies back from Kim's head. Kim had to have known that there was going to be some wild animals around that would try to rescue one of their own. But she probably figured that her mutant tarantula eyelashes would scare them off.

And not only does she have to worry about wild animals attacking her face, she also needs to fend off the groups of children that try to rip her head off because they are mistaking it for a Barbie Styling Head. Although, a Barbie Styling Head has a little more life in the eyes.

Hatchetface Rourke is on the top of the world! He has a Golden Globe award, he's going to be in that Iron Man 2 shit, he will most likely get an Oscar nomination and now he has the love of lunatic with a gold-plated heart named Bai Ling! And by "love" I mean she probably just gave him a hand job and maybe an ass lip tickle. Page Six says that at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, the two "made out and partied pretty hard."

Bai Ling is definitely the loon for Mickey. I mean, she's the only one who can probably stomach waking up to his fish jerky face. I'm sure she's woken up to worse. Remember that fake Bigfoot? Yeah, I think she hit that.

I also would love this union because I need to see Bai walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Everyone was so damn normal at the Golden Globes and the wrecks in chiffon must return! The mess of all messes Sally Kirkland has been M.I.A. on red carpets for a while, so Bai Ling needs to take her place.

By the way, don't tell Bai she was really making out with Mickey. I think she thought she was still making out with the fake Bigfoot. She is really starting to have feelings for him and it will break her little heart if she finds out the truth.

We haven't had a c-word slip in a while, so I was hoping that at last night's GGs someone would've gotten tanked and let the cunt out to play. Nobody did. BUT Mickey Rourke and Darren Aronofsky did give us a double. While accepting his award for Best Beast in a whatever, Mickey called Darren's mom a bitch, basically. Darren responded by giving Mickey the one finger salute! That's how they show their love for each other. In my family, flipping someone off is like giving them a warm hug.

NBC killed the fun for the West Coast. They censor a harmless middle finger, but they don't put a black bar over Mickey's roadkill face. This makes no sense! But seriously, I'm glad Mickey won. He deserved this shit back in the 90s for that porn movie Wild Orchid!

And Mickey wins my vote for best dressed dude last night. I know, I know. He's like a guido at prom meets Hot Topic. But he's wearing a sparkly scarf!

Jay Mohr changed his name to Jay Cox Mohr (or Mohr Cox as I like to call him) to show his love for his wife Nikki. But what he really should have done to show his affection for her is take away the Wesson oil or whatever else she's fucking injecting into her poor lips.

That shit is making my own lips want to run to the nearest law office to get some kind of contract together for me to agree never to torture them this way. It's not normal that when you talk, your lips start making whistle noises. I bet you Mohr Cox is making her partake in this fuckery, because the greedy fucktard wants her to have two sets of cooch lips. Please, Nikki! My lips are begging you to quit it. Go get your lips lipoed before they get bigger, cover up your nostrils and prevent you from breathing through your nose. It's not too late.