Your Face Scares Me

Noted bagina basher Michael Lohan must temporarily put his "Prayer Circle 4 Lindsay" media tour on hold, because the cunt plug has problems of his own to deal with. Michael's fiance Kate Major went to the police earlier this week after he allegedly Mel Gibson-ed her ass by calling her a cunt before kicking her in the face. The Southampton Police Department in New York has charged Michael with second degree harassment. A judge also threw an Order of Protection at Michael barring him from trying to get at Kate in any way.

In the police report, Kate states that Michael flipped out at her, because he's afraid she's going to leave him: "My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair. He woke me up, yelling, 'Why didn't you pick up your cell phone, you stupid cunt.' He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor. I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him. He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in my face while I was still on the ground. He stood over me and said, 'I'm going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.'"

The cop who took Kate's complaint wrote on the report that she had swelling on her upper lip.

The section 8 Mel Gibson admits to TMZ that he did have a fight with Kate, but he swears on his favorite black tank top that he never brought the violence on her. Michael said that Kate was drunk at the time of the fight.

Lindsay is in a jail room, and Michael Lohan might be headed towards checking into one... Hmm.... There has to be something the cops can nab White Oprah for. Delusioning in the first degree? Running a child famewhore ring? Being mean to ice cream (that has to be illegal)? Assaulting her pores with the diarrhea from a fake tanner bottle?

QUICK! Put Nana Lohan under the light and get her to talk! Actually, Nana Lohan is probably sick of White Oprah stealing her meds, so she'll sing if you give her a caramel square.

Vh1 is saying that Tiger Woods' head side-piece Rachel Uchitel is checking into Celebrity Rehab, because she's got an addiction to pills. But UsWeekly says this isn't so. Their source claims that Rachel is going to sit opposite Dr. Drew to cry about how she's addicted to love. Basically, bitch has a chronic case of dickmatization and homewreckeritis. "Addicted to love" is the G-rated way of saying that the ho is adickted to fucking on married peen.

The source explains, "She is not an addict. She doesn't do drugs and isn't an alcoholic, but she does have problems with relationships. This is her chance to tell her story and show people another side of herself."

I think I speak for the people when I say that we don't need to see anymore sides to her ass! I'm sure half of the straight male population has already seen every side, front and back of Rachel, so the rest of us are good. They took our servings, and we're okay with that.

But seriously, Rachel disappoints me so. I really thought she was going to be the classic kind of whore who takes her hush money and gallops off to a horse farm far away forever. But now she's proving that she is replacing her thirst for celebrity dick with a thirst for attention.

You should answer "yes" because he'd hit you. Specifically, with a 1996 Ford Winstar minivan. Okay, okay, nevermind the fact that Jesse Thornhill here was arrested for allegedly trying to run over his landlord with a minivan. Let's be honest, you've done worse. But would you? In my old age I've developed this thing called "standards" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!), so I'd have to pass.

It's not because he's possibly a psychopath with murderous tendencies. No, no, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the way he looks. I mean, where are you supposed to sit?! Are you supposed to ride his crotch, or are you supposed to fuck yourself with one of his head nipples? It's confusing! Any slut doing his peen won't be able to stop themselves from sucking off the dick head on his forehead. And vice versa! Actually, since I put it that way.....

via The Smoking Gun (Thanks to all who sent this in)

As you can tell from the giant party countdown clock hanging over your cubicle, Lindsay Lohan is just a few days away from her greatest role yet: jail bitch. So since LiLo will be out of commission for a few days (or weeks), someone has to keep the paparazzi industry going by posing like a complete dick hole in the passenger seat of a car. And that someone is going to be White Oprah! White Oprah will make sure that the Lohan family face stays on top as the leading famewhores on the stroll!

White Oprah assumed her duties last night at an In-N-Out in Hollywood. Yes, White Oprah at In-N-Out! Just soap up a burger patty with the blood from my bleeding heart and serve it to White Oprah RAW! This hurts more than the time In-N-Out University rejected my admission application.

Now, In-N-Out occasionally lets me through their front door, so I realize that they aren't the pickiest fast food whore in the game, but WHITE OPRAH! That is LOW(han)!

In-N-Out just proved to me that they will spread their animal sauce on the tongue of any john who slips a ten dollar bill into their red and white garter belt! And I better not find out that White Oprah has a limited-edition In-N-Out VIP black card (with gold palm trees on it) in her possession! If she does, In-N-Out will be DEAD to me! I will cuddle up with that slut Wendy instead!

No, I don't mean that. INO just needs to lie to me if White Oprah is one of their VIP customers. Lie to me, INO, I promise I"ll believe...liiiiiie to me...but pleeeeeeaaaaseeee don't.... FUCK! Do you see what seeing White Oprah at INO is doing to me? It's got me quoting Sheryl fucking Crow!

Mel Gibson's "You Look Like A Bitch In Heat" rant against Oksana Grigorieva has finally leaked on Radar Online and it's some serious shit. It's like Mel's flirting with the South Park writers. I swear, Mel is huffing and puffing so damn much that lines of the bad shit on the coffee table are probably blowing all over the place. If you put your nose to your speakers, you can practically sniff the coke smegma dripping off tonsils. The KKK is totally going to remix this into a dance song to play at their pot lucks.

And I love how OctoSana is sitting there as calm as a stoned sloth. She's imagining all the money she's going to make when she leaks this audio tape of Mel shooting his career in the head at close range.

UPDATE: That was fast. The Hollywood Reporter says that Mel Gibson's agency WME has dropped his ass.

It's Sugar Tits: The Sequel! Radar Online claims to have heard an audio tape of Mel Gibson ranting in an UGODLY way about the way Oksana Grigorieva dresses. OctoSana secretly recorded Mel's KKK-approved freakout at the end of their relationship. OctoSana submitted the tapes to the court to prove that Mel is a violent bag of anger who is capable of physically hurting her. Mel and OctoSana both have restraining orders against each other.

Here's a few of the quotes Mel allegedly launched at OctoSana during their fights. John Mayer's white supremacist dick just winked at Mel in approval:

"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice."

"I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first."

"Look what you did to me... look what you are... look what every part of you is... fucking fake... fucking fake. You are the most synthetic person... who the fuck are you?"

Blow me before I burn your house down? HA. The truth is, if I sucked Mel Gibson's dick, I'd want to burn myself down afterwards so he can give me the box of matches.

And if this is true then the bus driver needs to stop at the next corner, because Mel Gibson will be getting off and he won't be getting back on.

Everybody masturbate into a tub of popcorn while screaming REAL LOOOOOOUUUUD, because Pee-Wee Herman is cumming back to movie theaters. And this time he's going to keep his mecca hiney ho in his pants. I think.

Judd Apatow (the dude who directed Knocked Up & The 40-Year-Old Virgin) tells Variety that he is producing a brand new Pee-Wee movie which will be co-written by Paul Reubens and Paul Rust. Judd said, "Let's face it, the world needs more Pee-wee Herman. I am so excited to be working with Paul Reubens -- who is an extraordinary and ground-breaking actor and writer. It's so great to watch him return with such relevance."

Judd approached Paul Reubens about the idea of a new movie after watching his sold-out Pee-Wee stage show in Los Angeles.

So this means that we're also getting the triumphant return of Miss Yvonne, Dottie and Hermit Hattie! Are you taking notes Paul Squared, because these three bitches need to be in that shit.

And just for record keeping purposes, here's a portrait of Miss Yvonne today. Don't act like you don't want to see her in IMAX 3D.

File this under: Shit I didn't know, but should've. There's a good reason for why Jeffrey Jones looks like he'll gently sit you on a stool in front of his camera and tell you to focus on the birdie over his lens after slowly taking off your romper. That's because he's done that sort of shit in the past and it landed his name on the sex offenders list. Bitch does look like someone whose passport is filled with stamps from Thailand.

Back in 2003, Jeffrey, who played Principal Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Deetz in Beetle Juice, was arrested after he hired a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit pictures. A judge sentenced Jeffrey to five years probation and ordered him to get therapy. Jeffrey is also required to register as a child toucher every single year. But last September, Jeffrey failed to register (A FELONY!!!) and so the cops busted him. Jeffrey was later released from jail on $20,000 bail. Jeffrey could go to the chokey for three years if convicted.

Now, every time I watch Howard the Duck (which is often, you know) I'll have to hide behind my Chris Hansen cardboard cutout when Jeffrey Jones does that shit with his tongue. Movie ruiner!

One of these is an empty-headed plastic toy with hair made out of synthetic fibers and breasts sculpted from a mound of melted orange Legos. The other is a cake.

Seriously, Katie Price is starting to make Harvey cry into his animal crackers, because her face looks like it's been embalmed with spray foam insulation and covered with several layers of beeswax. You just want to snatch one of her machete-like brows and use it to deflate her inner tube lips. Poor tortured Harvey already has to suffer by looking at Alex Reid's hemorrhoid face every day, and now he has to deal with this?! Harvey deserves a million gold-wrapped chocolate Noble Peace Prizes for what he has to deal with.

Anyways, here's Katie Price and her doll cake (wearing her old wedding dress) leaving her bachelorette party in London last night. Katie already married her cage fighting, cross dressing husband Roxy Baby in Las Vegas earlier this year, but she is throwing a bigger and Chavier wedding in England this weekend.

Oh, look who fell off the shelf in the adult section at Jim Henson's Muppet factory? It's none other then Tiffany "New York" Pollard with LisaRaye at some pre-BET Awards party this past weekend. New York has been MIA lately (but was anyone looking?), because she's been too busy lying under a back alley plastic surgeon's scalpel in a makeshift medical center down in the basement of some abandoned warehouse. I mean, what in exploding lace hell is she smuggling in her chest area? Bitch looks like if Janice tried to swallow Animal and Zoot, but they got stuck in her chest so she just let them stay there. Poor rotting Muppets.

And try not to stare, but I'm pretty sure New York's wig is trying to slowly tip toe backwards towards the exit. Don't say anything. Let it escape.