Over The Moon

Well, I guess even Robert Downey Jr.'s wife Susan Downey has that one chismeando auntie who always sits right next to the food table at family reunions to scoop up the gossip with her ear holes so that she can pour it out later through her mouth hole to her husband as he eats the smashed piece of sheet cake she brought him because a stupid soccer game was on TV and he wasn't even trying to go to that party.

(Side rant: Whenever my mom brought me a piece of cake from a party, why did she almost always make it "car ride safe" by stuffing it between two Styrofoam plates before wrapping it in Reynolds? The frosting would always end up on one plate, and the cake on the other. When cake and frosting get together, they're in it until the end. They aren't mean to be separated. It's like giving me a hard dick on one plate and its cum shot on the other. It makes no sense. Cake and frosting work together to make a beautiful special moment and when you tear them apart, you're just fucking with nature. There's got to be a better way.

And if you're about to say to me, "But Michael, what about those individual cake piece containers from Tupperware you can buy at Target," then I'm about to throw you a lip smack and an eye roll on behalf of my entire family. Individual cake piece containers? Bitch, stop. We're not a family of Martha Fucking Stewarts. As far as I know, Juan Pollo, the place we get all of our family reunion food, does not provide you with individual cake piece containers. I KNOW! How uncouthy of them. Although, sometimes I'll wash off one of the Styrofoam containers the chicken came in and use that to take some cake home. But now we're Inceptioning this bitch, because we're about to get into a rant inside of a rant. Let's just stop now. Put on your lip gloss, plump your chichis and let's get back to the main event.)

So Susan's auntie Nancy Miller (it's ALWAYS a Nancy) called up Radar and whispered into their phone pieces that she knows her niece has got an iron fetus growing in her womb:

“I think it’s wonderful that she’s pregnant. The baby is due in February. Susan’s father, my brother, called me about three weeks ago with the good news. Her parents are over the moon about it. It [doesn’t] really matter if it’s a boy or a girl. What really matters is that the baby is healthy.”

No, Tia Nancy, what really matters is that you're dribbling out talk about your niece's uterus situation to hos outside of the family circle and you probably did it for a check. That is ALMOST worse than bringing a bitch smashed cake. But what's even worse than that is putting an OVER THE MOON violation into the mouths of Susan's parents. That's like saying that Susan's parents put on a pair of CROCS and kicked a kitten in the neck. Just illegalness all around.

This will be RDJ and Susan's first baby friend together. RDJ has an almost 18-year-old son named Indio. I really hope RDJ keeps with the Riverside County theme and names his new kid La Quinta.

And as I was about to hit publish on this shit, RDJ just confirmed the news with this statement:

“Robert and Susan could not be more excited over this news. They can’t wait to welcome this new baby into their wonderful family.”

But you're still on notice, Tia Nancy!

Denise Richards usually looks like she was just caught in the headlights of a spaceship that flew over the moon on an empty tank of gas before crashing outside of Charlie Sheen's octagon, but that doesn't mean she has the right to commit a first-degree OVER THE MOON violation, but she just did! Denise has adopted a new baby friend from here in the US and announced it on Twatter last night:

Thank you all for your sweet messages. The girls and I are over the moon and so is my dad Grandpa Irv...xo
11 hours ago via web

Denise named her third daughter Eloise Joni after her mother who died of cancer 4 years ago.

Look, my soul is planking over a puddle of happiness (not really) that Denise got herself a baby who doesn't have a drop of tiger blood and doesn't have to play nice with the warlock's whores every other week. Good for her etc..etc... But Denise going satellite humping over adopting a kid is inexcusable as is her stuffing words into Grandpa Irv's mouf! Grandpa Irv would never beat the dead moon with his mouth like so many celebwhores do!

Denise knows what it feels like to have overexcited strangers on top of her and yet she does the same thing to the moon?! Shame: I'm serving Denise a giant cup of some!

And woe is Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller's twin boys, because even though they wrote "PLEASE SAVE US" in their slobber on Denise's driveway every morning, she didn't get the hint. Oh, well, they can always resubmit their transfer applications to the wolves again.

via UsWeekly

Somewhere in Los Angeles today, Nikki Cox felt an intense kicking in her huge lips, she bit down and out came a tiny leg followed by a full grown baby. Don't worry, the medical team at the hospital stuffed a rubber python in there, patched it up and now they're back to looking like two fat skin slugs 69ing each other. Meanwhile, Jay Mohr announced the birth of their new son, Meredith Daniel Mohr, to People and dropped a first-degree Over the Moon violation. It's a first-degree offense, because it was premeditated and Jay knew he was doing wrong.

"We are over the moon, filled with joy and every other cliché new parents use. He's perfect."

Old-timey people from prairie times named their sons Meredith, so Jay and Nikki get a pass on the name even though they're not old-timey people from prairie times. But the Over the Moon is unacceptable, because Jay knew what he was doing and he did it anyway. Couldn't he have used something else instead of the moon? The moon is sick of being used like this! Jay could've said he's over his wife's lips. This would've been a better choice of words for two reasons: a) Jay can physically go over his wife's lips and b) his wife's lips are bigger than the moon.

Didn't Mariska Hargitay get today's memo that she can't spit out an Over the Moon violation unless she has felt the heat of Luna's back as the two jump over the friend of her choice wearing a moon costume? Well, technically the OTM didn't leap off of Mariska's tongue. It came from her 4-year-old son August's mouth, which is actually worse. This is what our pre-schools are teaching our children? They teach them how to abuse the moon?

August better eat a bar of soap and put $20 (inflation) in the swear jar, because that is the worst swear phrase of all swear phrases! And while August is doing that, LOOK AT THE BABY!!!!

A blind item might have found its answer, because Mariska Hargitay announced to People that she and her husband Peter Hermann adopted a tiny babyling from the United States last week. They have named her Amaya Josephine. All the details from People including August's double slap to the moon:

"I'm deliriously happy," Hargitay, 47, tells PEOPLE. "From the minute she was born, she was just surprisingly alert and so full of love."

"We were considering both international and domestic adoption and we're thrilled that this is the way our prayers were answered," she adds. "We talked a lot about mixed-race adoptions, and we are very excited that we are now a multi-racial family. We're just so happy she's here."

And there's one family member who's more excited than anyone: Hargitay's 4-year-old son, August.

"He is over the moon," says the actress. "He calls her his baby because he says the whole thing was his idea. He always talks about how he's going to protect her. He's going to be a great big brother."

Baby Amaya looks like a little wise baby you'd find nestled at the foot of a tree after a long journey. You'd crawl up to her, practically dying of thirst and she'd throw out a life lesson before passing you a puff from a pipe. Amaya is probably so calm, because she's saving her excitement and energy for when Uncle Christopher Meloni presses her against his warm chesticles.

You know that feeling when someone you truly love with whatever is left of your heart and soul says something hurtful, confusing and a little threatening? Like when you were in high school and your parents told you not to fuck or snort coke under their roof. Yeah, like that. Well, that feeling slithered into my skin holes this morning when Prince Hot Ginge said the three dreaded words NOBODY wants to hear. No, I'm not talking about the words "I can't cum" or "it's last call." I'm talking about: OVER THE MOOOOOOOON. How could the sparkle that makes my peen hole wink hurt all of us so!?Not only did he hurt us, but he also hurt the sun by bringing up the moon's name. Because we all know that PHG is a piece of the sun that fell to the earth one morning. What does it look like when the sun frowns, because it's going to be doing a lot of that today.

During an interview in Norway with Good Morning America for his Walking with the Wound trek through the North Pole, PHG dropped an OTM bomb when describing how his father feels about Prince William getting married. At the 5:40 mark below:

As much as it hurts, I will forgive PHG for this (BIG OF ME, I know). It's colder than a Nicole Kidman stare in Norway right now, so maybe the elements are fucking with his brains. The part of his brain marked "things you don't say in public" temporarily got mixed up with the part marked "things you do say in public" (examples: "kittens are cute" and "I only do gay sex stuff with American hapas").

I'm glad we worked this out, because I really didn't want to make my PHG cardboard cutout sleep on the couch tonight.

Posh should really be given a pass for this, because every morning she's been praying to her collection of custom-made Louboutin booties that her womb is full of a female stick figure. So I figured that maybe she's allowed one OTM violation this time. But then I imagined that when Becks said it out loud his helium voice really sounded like a cat diddling on a fiddle. No fucking pass.

At some luncheon thing for the L.A. Galaxy today, Becks told reporters that the "GIVE ME A DAMN GIRL" chant Posh did with voodoo priestess Karl Lagerfeld must've worked, because they're having a lady baby!

"We're still in shock. Obviously, having three boys, you kind of expect another one, so finding out a little girl is in there is surprising, but, obviously, we are over the moon. Our three boys are happy and excited, and Victoria is doing well."

Posh is probably the only OTM user who could literally be thrown over the moon. Just have her sit on a teaspoon, and lightly flick her into the air. Come back the same time the next day, and hold out the teaspoon again to catch her.

You know, I know that it's psychically impossible for Posh to birth a baby bigger than a flea's kidney stone, but wouldn't it be sort of perfect if she pushed out one that's half her weight (30lbs). Posh would have to use 3 of the size -2 black onesies she bought to dress her adorably fat baby. Ho would make an extra-strength bitchface when using all her strength to push the Bentley stroller holding her adorably fat baby. YES! Oh, please give her an adorably fat baby with adorable baby cankles!

via USA Today

To be fair to Alyssa Milano, she's not completely free falling through the universe after high jumping over a Sam Rockwell movie. This OTM came from "a source" close to Alyssa has and her husband of almost 2 years Dave Buglia. And no, the source is not Mona Robinson, because she only uses "over the moon" when she needs a ladylike way of describing doggy style. Another friend is the one who launched Alyssa and Dave into space. From People:

The actress, 38, and her husband Dave Bugliari, 32, are expecting their first child, Milano's rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.

"They're just over the moon," says a friend of the Who's The Boss and Charmed alum, who's due in early fall. "They are so excited."

Alyssa also confirmed that her womb is currently occupied via Twitter.

Wait. Alyssa is 38 years old?! I guess time flies when you're staring at the changing styles on Angela's head. YAY! for Samantha and her overgrown hairy baby of a husband.

Glee's Chris Colfer not only told the Hollywood Reporter that he is "OVER THE MOON" about their 5 Golden Globe nominations, but then he said that the show is:

"....like the Soviet Union: it's getting bigger and bigger and I think it has a lot to do with the music -- it unites everyone."

No wonder I failed history over and over again. I did know that covers of Top 40 hits united the Soviet Union! Here I was thinking that vodka rations and Stalin babushka dolls did that.

via Greg in Hollywood

In my post this morning on the second most anticipated British wedding in history after Lucy and Bruno's on Footballers Wives, I missed an extremely important part of Prince William and Kate Middleton's official announcement made by his private secretary. Thankfully, many of you complete your morning ritual of eyeballing liquid caffeine earlier than I do, because you were awake enough to catch this shit and send it in.

"They’re on cloud nine like any other newly engaged couple and they’re now getting stuck into organising their wedding. They are completely over the moon – I’ve never seen two happier people which is fabulous."

I will forgive Prince William for using his happiness as an excuse to violate the tortured moon as long as he passes me private pictures of the rising sun of Britain (aka Prince Hot Ginge's nalgas) in all its fiery glory. We'll call it even.

And speaking of OTM, did you know members of The Over The Moon Club will soon get to literally (in a Rachel Zoe kind way) go lunar jumping in the future? NASA is planning a one-way trip to Mars in about 20 years and they are looking for volunteers! I say we volunteer any and every bitch who has used OTM on a public forum since they are obviously beyond this planet already.

NOT CHRISTINA HENDRICKS TOOOOOOOOO!!!! Christina tells Stylist about the time she went from blonde to ginge which made her pole vault with happiness over the you know fucking what:

"I was obsessed with the Canadian novel 'Anne of Green Gables.' So my mother said, 'Let's just go to the drugstore and get one of those cover-the-gray rinses!' My hair was very blond at the time, but it went carrot red. And I was over the moon."

Thanks to her magnificent chichis, Christina Hendricks is ALWAYS over two beautiful moons, so it goes without saying (Seriously, stop saying it, Christina).

(Thanks Kristen)