The Billboard Music Awards show wasn't totally a lukewarm cesspool of crap music, whiny fetuses and three cent strippers (see: Nicki Minaj). There was some true talent there too. In between Miguel's Janelle Monae-looking ass nearly giving a girl brain damage and Chris Brown summoning the demons with his unremarkable anus face, the dandelion of funk that is Prince sprouted up on stage and the frosted white shadow on his eyelids nearly melted when he brought the sexy in heavy doses.
Jehovah's sexiest witness gave coochies a reason to cream when he puckered up those glossy lips and worked every piece of fringe on the jacket your grandmother donated to the Salvation Army years ago. Lauryn Hill twins made those hos salivate from every orifice last night.
Prince looks like a black Mrs. Roper and he gets crazier by the day, but I still would.
And I think the real reason Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate holidays is because they are too busy celebrating Prince's beauty. That is a good reason!
The Billboard Music Awards are happening right now in Las Vegas and I don't even know why they're bothering with this shit, because every awards show's premiere seat filler Phoebe Price is all the way in Cannes. How can that mess go on without the seat filling heart of every awards show Chicken Cutlets? Well, they found a way to go on and thank the foolery Gods for that, because if they didn't, this Cuban Brazilian flower would've never sashayed onto the blue carpet.
When I look at pictures of Naya, I say the same thing my father says when I call his house, "And you are?" I had no idea who Naya is, but now I do thanks to her flashing her titty balls and delivering an A+++ eyebrow situation.
And I really don't know why she brought a random dog with her. At first I thought that Naya was blind (that would explain her outfit) and that was her seeing eye dog. Then I figured that maybe that's her therapy dog, which would make sense since you have to be sort of crazy to wear an outfit like that when your name isn't Grace Jones. But whatever the case may be, Naya is definitely setting trends, because bringing a random dog to an event with you is officially the new thing to do.
And it's obvious that Naya's dog is as confused about him being there as we are.
Finally, an IT couple I can get behind. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Looking like a young in-love couple seeing NYC for the first time, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett held hands while strolling down the sidewalk of love in front of the paparazzi yesterday. I was going to ask which one's the top and which one's the bottom, but they don't get into that. They just spoon and whisper lyrics to Michael Bolton love songs into each other's ears. Will is the big spoon.
Puppy licks lollipop. Monkey steals lollipop from puppy. Monkey licks lollipop. Monkey lets puppy lick the lollipop. Monkey bops puppy on the head with lollipop. Monkey busts out of that scene before the cops arrive.
Well, it's nice to know that while Lindsay Lohan is in lockdown rehab, somebody is out here doing her dirty work for her.
You can almost hear those little piggies screech for help as they dangle off the side of that chrome shoe cliff.
During the opening ceremony of the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival today, Julianne Moore proved that she is a true movie star and a slave to glamour when she put on a smile like everything was okay while her toes tried to scramble out of that shoe. Or maybe Julianne felt no pain, because some of her toes lost consciousness after suffocating in those tiny shoes. I'm trying to figure out if partying with your baby toes hanging out is a classy look or is the worst kind of toe abuse (next to putting your toes in CROCS)?
Thankfully for Julianne, nobody on the red carpet noticed the toe trauma going on down below, because they were too busy basking in the poultry beauty of the Queen of Cannes Phoebe Price after she floated onto the red carpet. Either PP is wearing an anime girl mask or she's had her eyes stretched out. Whatever the case may be, the result is GORGEOUS!
The last time something this hot, spicy and juicy hit Seaside Heights, it was a wart and it was attached to Snooki's puss. Thankfully, this time around the CDC didn't have to get involved when a piping hot piece of juicy hotness hit the boardwalk. If you think I'm talking about Chris Christie instead of Prince Hot Ginge, that works too. I mean, who can resist a piece who wears his pants all the way up to his chest dumplings?
PHG is continuing to bless the lands of America and today he visited the Seaside Boardwalk with Governor Chris Christie, because that's what princes do, they visit things. PHG and his new best brofriend Chris Christie played games, said hi to Hurricane Sandy victims and then they memorialized the day by getting matching DTF tattoos on the inside of their bottom lips.
And for why is Mr. Slugworth from the Wonka Chocolate Factory standing behind PHG in that picture above?
The only reason to go to work on your last day is to get ten kinds of drunk at lunch and tell your soon-to-be ex co-workers what you really think of their asses. Well, Paula White of BBC Radio Stoke did the first part and it got her kicked off the air. The BBC moved Paula's Friday afternoon slot to Saturdays and before her last weekday show, she got shit-faced drunk. So when she got on air, she slurred her words and had herself a P-A-R-T-Y for one! Before they ruined Paula's buzz by pulling her off of the air after only 30 minutes, she spat out wine-covered gems like these:
"I’ve had a couple of drinks, I’m not drunk. I’m sad."
"Let's just throw it all out! I don't get told what songs to – No, I do get told what songs to play! But I don't get told what songs to play on the last day of my shoooooooooow!"
“It’s a P-A-R-T-Y because I said so? Some people will say, ‘Oh, thank goodness she’s gone.’”
After 30 minutes of that, a different host came on to say that Paula was sent home, because she wasn't feeling well. Those bitches. They obviously don't know real entertainment, because they shouldn't have shut Paula's drunk hole. They should've promoted her ass by giving her every slot available (wink wink) and they should've given her a bonus in the form of coupons to Bargain Booze. Whatever, BBC Radio doesn't deserve Paula White! Paula White should come to America and join NBC's family. Because NBC doesn't only embrace drunks, but they put them on the air every weekday morning. Kathie Lee and Hoda, anyone?
Here's a video we can all relate to. Who hasn't wanted something so bad that you jump for it, cry for it, wait for it and just when you think you're never going to get it, you get it and then think to yourself, "That's it?!" I pretty much described 99% of my first dates.
And this little pooch is totally going to piss in its owner's shoe for being this cruel. (Strangely enough, John Travolta also pees in Kelly Preston's shoes when she keeps the sausage away from him by making him stay home.)
It took me way too long to realize that this isn't Riff Raff in candy raver drag (no offense to Riff Raff or candy ravers or drag queens). Ke$hit's stylists must constantly challenge themselves to make her look as ridiculously fug as possible, because on the L.A. set of her video for "Crazy Kids" yesterday, she walked around looking like candy anal beads pulled out of a blue Peeps' dirty ass.
Bitch needs to give those corn rows back to James Franco's Spring Breakers character, give those shoes back to Baby Spice, give those glasses back to Elton John and give those thigh highs back to the Easter time stripper she stole them from. Ke$hit can keep the hoodie, though, because I'm pretty it's got open sores all over it.
There's just too much YES in this picture from the dude on the left saying "I did not clock in to deal with this fuckery" look in his eyes to the kid at the bottom throwing a side-eye of sympathy at that Noah dude to the girl hanging her head in shame to those two pinnacles of society doing Florida proud. Picture, meet and get to know the wall of my iPhone, because you two are going to be together for a long time.
Deadspin says that this classy leather blossom who flipped off Joakim Noah at the Heat vs. Bulls game last night isn't just your regular middle finger-throwing vixen. Her name is Filomena "Phyllis" Tobias and her story should be turned into a Showtime mini-series starring Edie Falco (or Cameron Diaz if Edie is too busy with that Nurse Jackie shit). Bitch was accused of murdering her fourth husband and more!
Before marrying millionaire hedge-funder Seth Tobias, Phyllis was married three times and one of her ex-husbands accused her of being a pill-popping mess who regularly beat his ass. Phyllis married Seth in 2005 and during their marriage, he allegedly snorted more coke than your average Lohan, gambled away tons of money and was accused of getting it on with male hustlers. Phyllis did nothing but spend their money and constantly get on her husband about being a cokehead. New York Magazine published a fascinating and crazy story about this scandal in 2008 and you really should read all of it if you haven't, but in the meantime here's one of the best parts:
Phyllis would often appear at the office and demand cash. “Give me 15,000 fucking dollars. Give me 15,000 fucking dollars,” she hissed on one visit, according to the former Circle T staffer. Tobias had promised Phyllis that he would stop using cocaine, but she didn’t believe him. In the fall of 2005, the couple was having dinner at Bice, a Palm Beach restaurant, with six other people. Just after sitting down, Phyllis jumped from her seat and placed her lips over Tobias’s nose and began sucking. She was searching for cocaine residue.
That might sound crazy, but that's how the Lohans greet each other and it's kind of touching when they do it.
To make a long, scandalous story shorter, Seth was found dead in the pool of their Jupiter, FL mansion in 2007. Phyllis' gay phone psychic Billy Ash later claimed that she crushed Ambien pills into Seth's pasta the night he died. Billy also claimed that Phyllis and Seth met at a sex party and their marriage was only one of convenience. He wanted a trophy wife beard and she wanted a rich husband. Billy also said that Phyllis once kidnapped a gay stripper named Tiger, because Seth was really into him and it made her jealous. It goes on and on and on... Phyllis was later cleared and she inherited a huge chunk of her late husband's fortune.
Andy Cohen should really be fired, because I can't believe this bitch hasn't been given her own show on Bravo!