While looking as naturally as exquisite as always, Lil' Kim stepped out in West Hollywood on Friday night with the help of two man hands. Lil' Kim is as delicate as a terracotta pot so she needs the help of two strong dudes to make sure she doesn't take the wrong step, tumble to the ground and break into a million pieces. It'll take a lot of man hours and a lot of Super Glue to put her back together.
If you took the face of a ceramic Lucky Cat, pasted it on a Nicki Minaj Real Doll, filled it with the essence of Snooki and then sprayed it all down with the same lead-based paint that La Toya Jackson sprays herself down with, you'd get Lil' Kim. Absolutely stunning. She looks more like a cat than most cats do. Don't you just want to throw a ball of yarn at her?
Kanye West performed in Abu Dhabi last night and he wore the same outfit his publicists strapped to his body when they wanted him to stop tweeting. Slap a piece of industrial-strength tape over Kanye's mouth and he'd never look better! I know that Kanye is trying be oh-so-edgy and is trying to give us new layers of art (he isn't), but I'd be pissed if I spent good money on a Kanye concert only to have my soul fall out of my ass when he came out looking like the terrifying spawn of Michael Myers and Dr. Lecter. The mental patient mummy look is not the look.
And speaking of whorifying things, here's a knocked up Kim Kartrashian leaving the hair salon yesterday.
Chelsea Welch of St. Louis, Missouri is out of a job today after Applebee's pink-slipped her and gave her a one way ticket to the unemployment office for going on Reddit and posting a note on a credit card receipt from a pastor who left a server a not-so-Christian message instead of a tip. Pastor Alois Bell of The Truth of the World Ministries church crossed out the automatic 18% tip for parties of 8 or more and wrote: "I Give God 10% Why Do You Get 18." Somewhere God is wondering where his 10% is, because his PayPal account is empty and he knows those Sunday morning donuts and cups of coffee weren't donated from Dunkin' Donut and he knows they didn't pay for themselves.
Chelsea tells The Consumerist that she wasn't even the one who served Pastor Bell at Applebee's on January 25th. The server showed Chelsea the receipt and she thought it was funny so she took a picture of it and posted it on Reddit for laughs. The server claims that Pastor Bell and her party of 20 didn't have a problem with the service and didn't complain once during the entire meal. But when it came time to get the check, Pastor Bell tried to work around the whole "18% tip for parties of 8 or more" rule by asking for separate checks even though she's the one who was going to pay each check. It's a shady, shady move, but my abuelita approves! Pastor Bell's shady move didn't work and an 18% gratuity was still added to each check. The server said the computer automatically did it.
When Pastor Bell and her party paid up and left, the server found the bitchy note waiting for them. After the served showed it to Chelsea, she posted it on Reddit with Pastor Bell's signature in full view. Chelsea said that she didn't block out the pastor's signature, because she didn't think anybody would be able to make it out. The receipt went viral in a quick minute and ended up on Yahoo!. That's when Pastor Bell found out about it, called Applebee's and demanded that not only Chelsea get fired, but she also asked for the heads of every single person who works at that location. Pastor Bell wanted all of them fired.
Applebee's didn't clean house for Pastor Bell, but they did tell Chelsea to get the fuck out, because they say she violated policy by sharing a customer's private information. Chelsea says that she looked in the policy book and as far as she knows, she did nothing wrong. After a bunch of people jumped on Applebee's Facebook page and demanded that Chelsea get her job back, they said this:
"Our Guests’ personal information – including their meal check – is private, and neither Applebee’s nor its franchisees have a right to share this information publicly. We value our Guests’ trust above all else. Our franchisee has apologized to the Guest and has taken disciplinary action with the Team Member for violating their Guest’s right to privacy. This individual is no longer employed by the franchisee."
Pastor Bell wah-wah-wah-ed to The Smoking Gun and said that it was a "lapse in judgement" and this whole mess has "brought embarrassment to my church and ministry.” Pastor Bell says that she left a $6 cash tip and that Applebee's charged the 18% to her credit card anyway. Chelsea isn't moved:
“Whether or not she left a tip, the note was still offensive. It wasn’t my table, it wasn’t my tip. I’m not sure who ended up with what money at the end of the night. But you can’t really argue with what’s plainly written, and what was written was insulting. Insulted or not, I’ve lost my job over this mess, and that’s what I’m concerned with now. The six dollars one way or another wouldn’t really affect that situation.”
WWJCS: What would Jesus Christ say? Or What would Joan Collins say, depending on what your religion is.
Posting a customer's receipt on Reddit maybe isn't the smartest thing to do, but getting fired over it? Isn't waiting on non-tippers at Applebee's punishment enough? And you know, this makes me feel not so bad about the time my abuelita dragged me to church and when the donation basket came around, I put in $5 and took four ones. No, I didn't do that. Okay yes, I did.
It takes a whole lot to show up Jason Momoa (below with his full-time piece's daughter Zoe Kravitz), but Sylvester Stallone did it at last night's NYC premiere of Bullet to the Head. I know that Sly has the complexion of microwaved cheddar cheese, but please take your tongue off the screen and pay homage to his left brow that looks like the Nike swoosh with a tail. It is JUST doing it and then some. I want to take Sly out for dim sum and eat dumplings off of his face, because that brow looks like a beautiful hairy Chinese soup soon.
And seriously, we should expect nothing less from a man whose mother is the most gorgeous ass-reading star goddess on the planet.
Here's Katherine McPhee's chihuahua Larry taking her for a walk on the NYC set of my favorite shit show to hate watch Smash the other day.
Larry's wrinkly fupa is hanging out, rain is falling on his head, he's pushing out a multi-layer butt burp into Katherine's hands and he couldn't give one fuck about any of it. Larry McPhee is my favorite McPhee. And why in the hell doesn't Katherine McPhee get yelled at when she takes her dog out without a sweater on? One time in NYC, I took my chihuahua to piss and it was probably 50 or 60 degrees out. Just as my dog started taking a caca on the sidewalk, some crazy ass bitch ran up to me and asked me why he didn't have a sweater on. She told me he was going to freeze to death. Yes, that makes sense, because my chihuahua's ancestors of a thousand years ago got through winter by wearing knit sweaters from PetSmart.
It didn't bother me that she was basically calling me a bad dog owner for not putting a sweater on my chihuahua for a 5-minute shit break, but it did bother me that she was telling me off while my dog was trying to drop a butt nugget. RUDE! Some hos have no consideration for a dog's special moment with the flat concrete toilet known as the sidewalk. Another time, my dog was concentrating hard during #2 times and some chick comes up to us and is like, "He's so cute! Can I pet him?!" Yes, bitch, you can pet him while he squats as long as I can come to your house later and pet you while you're trying to relieve your bowels.
When that bitch came at me for not putting a sweater on my dog, I should've come at her for not letting him poop in peace.
Meet Lisa, a crazy human cat brush who can't get enough of licking pussy and probably clogs up her toilet every time she shits out a massive-sized greasy hairball. (Note: Shitting out a hairball from having anal sex with hairy Robin Williams = OK! Shitting out a hairball from eating cat fur = NOT OKAY!)
On the season premiere of TLC's My Strange Addiction, Lisa shares her love of nom nom nom-ing on fresh cat fur that she gets off of her sofa and licks off of her own pussy. Even though Lisa's sister Andromeda (who I thought was Susan Powter for a second) thinks it's gross and Lisa's cat always has a PLEASE HELP ME look on its face, she still can't get enough of eating dollops of puss hair and has to eat it all the time. Lisa's favorite thing to do is to lick her cat's body, but she does have some standards. Lisa refuses to lick her pussy's butt. Yeah, so Lisa will lick her cat up, but won't give it a rim job. Tease.
The grossest part of all of this is that Lisa doesn't even put any ketchup or hot sauce on that puss fur. She just nibbles it plain. Sick.
If I had a bunch of cats, I'd be Lisa's best friend. You know how much money I'd save on lint rollers and tape? Why take a lint roller to my black wool coat when Lisa can lick it clean? Why even pull out the vacuum when I can just invite Lisa over for dinner? Lisa should seriously turn her love of eating cat hair into a business. Every cat owner would pay her to lick up the hair stuck to their couch. Then she'd make enough money to buy imported lion fur, because you know imported lion fur is like the prime rib of pussy fur.
Matt Damon hijacked Jimmy Kimmel Live last night and had on a few guests that Kimmel has never had on before including Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman. Between Demi and Nicole, you'd think that perma-horny Demi would be the one riding Kimmel like he's got a pocketful of singles and the strip club DJ just played her favorite song, but it was actually Nicole who scooted her crotch against his lap. Nicole came out, hopped on Kimmel and showed all of us the skills she learned from working Tommy Girl over with a strap-on all those years. Seeing Nicole in action again brought a tear to Tommy's brown eye.
And a little later on in the show, Demi came out....
Please don't hate on Demi's flattened silly putty face. Her face only looks like that because she's playing the new Lady Cassandra in Doctor Who.
And now we know that Linda Lovelace was reincarnated as that hamster. I don't know if I should cringe or pull out a notepad and take notes.
I don't know how long it took YouTuber Axilrod to make a montage (it goes until the 2:00 mark) of Jesse Pinkman blurting out his favorite word over and over again on Breaking Bad, but it's Axilrod's magnum opus and it was time well spent. At the end of a long stressful day, just lay back with a wine glass full of Gatorade and unwind by listening to the word "bitch" fly out of Jesse Pinkman's mouth over and over again. Nothing is more soothing.
Trace Cyrus and Sarah Jessica Parker better hope that if they ever get locked up that they get locked up next to Mariska, because if they keep on her good side, she will set them free. Mariska is my kind of horse, because not only is she a masterful escape artist, but she's also a grudge-keeping bitch. I see Mariska struttin' on by her neighbor's stall like, "Bye bitch." Mariska's neighbor probably sniffed her man's ass and now she's paying the price by staying locked up. Mariska always remembers.