On the last episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Big Poppa was the latest ho to butt fuck the sanctity of marriage by asking Kim Zolciak to be his wife. Big Poppa gave her a giant ring he probably bought in the twilight hours from QVC. Well, that shit didn't last and now Kim is Big Poppa-less again!
Since she's on the lookout for another sponsor to keep her eyelids decorated with the finest plastic tarantulas at The Dollar Tree, Kim had lunch with The Millionaire Matchmaker (aka Patti Stanger) at THE LOOK AT ME DINER in West Hollywood yesterday.
You know, Patti is really picky when it comes to the hair of a gold digger, so I wonder what she had to say about the Barbie cemetery on Kim's head.
By the way, if you take a loooong bong hit and squint your eyes, these two look like Rodney Dangerfield (rip) and Quentin Tarantino in drag.
Here's Tommy Girl on the Boston set of his movie Wichita making the same face he makes when Will Smith accidentally drops a major butt queef during a salad tossing.
Tommy was joined by a much more talented and sane co-star. Hopefully, that dog stayed away from Tommy at the craft service table. I have a feeling that Tommy is on the prowl for a new beard. I really don't want to see that furry dog friend shuffling around like a robot zombie while wearing rolled-up jeans. But I have a feeling that dog knows better. The look on his face in the picture above totally says: "I wonder how hurt I will get if I jump away from this crazy bitch?"
If Fran Fine and Amy Wino's crackhive had a love child who was exposed to toxic levels of perm solution for hours on end, it would look just like this woman who was on Judge Judy yesterday. The case was about BB guns or something, but who really cares. As soon as this picture of class and elegance walked into the courtroom with hair that massages the toes of angels, Judge Judy should've declared her the winner. You might want to put on a BB pellet-proof vest when you watch the clip below, because witnessing her beauty in motion feels like a shot to the soul.
Here we have self-proclaimed "Jewmaican" Amy Wino spitting our rhymes during a late-night jam session. Yes, she sounds like a deaf dolphin who just masturbated with a power strip and gargled with handful of hot tacks, but what did you expect? Look on the bright side, at least she's coherent! Don't laugh, this is coherent for Amy Wino.
Clearly MC Crackie needs to team up with Tom OC. They will be the methadone clinic version of Salt-N-Pepa.
VIA Best Week Ever
Why, why, why don't I ever get invited to weddings like this?! Probably because everyone knows I will burst into flames (DON'T YOU DARE) of excitement and set the sprinklers off. But I have a feeling that even a typhoon of water couldn't damper the spirits of this ultra elegant affair. The unicorns defended this wedding with all their might!
These glittery pictures are from the Atlanta wedding of Michael K. (we are definitely soulgays) Cole and Jamil Smith Cole. This wedding was perfection from the crystal tear drop wedding cake to the flower women.
Michael K. Cole himself was an exquisite masterpiece. It looks like Liberace just gave him a makeover. Have you ever seen a more beautiful manbride? NO, you definitely have not! I mean, his masterpiece eyebrows, his silky Vampire Gaystat mane, his spray-painted on beard (a real beard would never ever get near that beautiful face) and his silvery tuxedo train....it's really all too much.
They didn't even need to throw rice at this wedding! There was no need, because when Michael K. Cole entered the room, glitter fell from the skies. It was the gayngels crying tears of happiness over this exquisiteness.
No, this is not the first picture of Sparrow James Midnight Madden. It's also not a picture of one of the Olsens getting dragged out of a club for being a drunken mess. Or another picture of Cisco Adler's saggy nutsack. NO! It's a picture of a rare and adorable (?) white-handed gibbon that was born in Vienna. Zookeepers have called him E.T. for obvious reasons. Personally, I would've called him Uno Nippy. Seriously, where is homeboy's other nipple? Is he holding it in his hand?
NBC Philadelphia shot some very important footage of a mob of cunty turkeys (let's call them Heather Mills, Kate Gosselin, Michael K and Candy Spelling) attacking a woman and her son in their NJ neighborhood. Don't worry, the woman bruised her vocal cords a bit, but other than that, they were fine. They could have easily got the turkeys to quit that bitch by threatening to shove a box of Stove Top up their gobble gobbles.
Apparently, the wild turkeys wreak havoc every afternoon. Nobody knows where they come from or they why keep going back to the same neighborhood. It's a mystery. Paging Detective La Toya!
Maybe the turkeys think that 2009 is the year the tables will turn and they will eat stuffed human on Thanksgiving instead of the other way around. The turkeys are revolting! Keep fucking that chicken, turkeys!
There's an ESCANDALO brewing over in East Cleveland after sessy pictures of Mayor Eric Brewer poppin' that ass in women's lingerie were shown on a local news station just days before the primary election. Mayor Eric would not confirm or deny if the hot piece in the wig is him or not. However, Mayor Eric did accuse his opponent of leaking the pictures in a last-minute attempt to sway voters. Well, guess what? I'm about to sway my ass over to East Cleveland to find a way to cast a vote for Mayor Eric!
The three things I look for in a mayor are:
1. Someone who has conquered the art of posing doggy-style for their Craigslist ad.
2. Someone who knows the importance of color coordinating their fuck-me-pumps with their lingerie.
3. Someone who is the star of a good ole' cross-dressing SCANDAL!
Mayor Eric has all three! Therefore, Mayor Erica, you have my vote girl!
SUMO BABY WILL EAT US ALL! Seriously, that tiny baby next to him looks concerned.
An Indonesian woman gave birth to a 19-pound baby, a record in Indonesia. Gigantababy was just 4lbs shy from beating the world record. Doctors think the baby boy's massive size is due to the fact that his mother has diabetes. Gigantababy is completely healthy and is eating non-stop. Durr.
You can tell your vagina to stop shaking and crying, because he was born via c-section. Although, you know that Indonesian woman's vagina was bawling just like gigantababy in the picture above, because it thought it was GAME OVER. It dodged a 19lb bullet.
This is brought to you by eBay: the land of fried fuckery!
Somebody (*cough*that slut Birdie*cough*) is auctioning off this dick-shaped Chicken McNugget with a starting bid of thirty cents. They say it's about 3 inches long and tastes just like chicken. Almost anyone can deep throat this while tonguing its deep fried balls.
The sad thing is, I've come across dicks in real-life that look just like this. And no amount of BBQ sauce made them delicious. Believe me, I tried.