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So now you finally know what my second job is. I'm a Fly Pumpkhead on The CW News in Omaha, Nebraska. I WISH. If I had moves like that I wouldn't be wasting my talents on the local news. I'd be punching and thrusting on the Santa Monica Promenade or in the NYC subways. For real.

And now we all finally found a Halloween costume that will give us a good reason to vogue AND karate kick at once. ALL THE SINGLE PUMPKINHEADS!

VIA Videogum

Jakey G and fellow hairy monster Elmo recently spent a little time together while shooting an episode of Sesame Street. Elmo might be suffering from a temporary blackout here, because it looks like Jakey is choking the hell out of him. Unless Elmo is into that sort of thing. That kinky muppet!

And "choking the Elmo" has become the phrase of the minute, because it sounds like something Prince Hot Ginge does with himself under the sheets.

VIA Popwrap

Lance Bass is quickly gaining my full respect as a fellow slut whore. It seems that every time I turn around Lance is off dipping his peen in a new ink jar. Here's Lance giving us one of those "Yeah, I'm Getting This" looks while dining at Miami's Pacific Time Restaurant last night with some hot piece. Apparently, the two were "canoodling" in between bites of their fish entrees. There's a "two gays walk into a seafood restaurant" joke in there somewhere.

And I wish Lance would take just one minute out from passing the penis around to do a little shopping. Because that t-shirt could double as Jon Gosselin's weekend cum rag.

Oh, Clint, I'm having one of those days too. You know, one of those days where you've got the yawns in a bad way (see thumbnail #4), so you snort a line of crushed up Vivarin pills and acetone to stay awake (see thumbnail #2). Then you realize that doing that might be causing your brain to bust into a seizure (see last thumbnail). Finally, you throw the gods above a Dirty Harry-approved shank eye (see thumbnail #7) for giving you a brain to come up with fucked up ideas like snorting Vivarin and acetone.

Here's Clint having one of those days while shooting a movie in London today.

Either the air in Miami was filled with slobber last night, or Skeletor spotted a young virgin in the distance, because dude's pits were creaming like Tommy Girl at an L.A. Galaxy game. Skeletor's pit bones need whatever JLo uses to keep her colossal nalgas from sweating through her clothes (SPOILER ALERT: Botox and maxi-pads).

Here's more of part-owners JLo and Skeletor at the Miami Dolphins game with Kris Allen last night. Kris was probably not happy when he got home and realized half of his t-shirt was covered in zombie pit jizz.

Bradley Cooper and his beard-in-waiting swished through Vancouver Airport yesterday, and check out his fancy luggage. THAT FANCY MAN! While Squinty is lugging some crap she bought from the Land's End catalog, B. Coop brought the luxury.

Gay Al Reynold's is dripping glitter just from looking at that fancy luxurious elegant shit. Squinty is going to have to step it up if she wants to continue to escort B. Coop through airports. Squinty's luggage (and I mean that in several ways) is so not fancy enough for B. Coop.

The two were in Vancouver, because B. Coop was there shooting The A-Team movie. Here's the first official promo pic. From left to right is: B. Coop (as Lt. Peck), Quintin Jackson (as Baracus), Sharlto Copley (as Murdock) and Liam Neeson (as Hannibal)

There's not right-ish off about this picture. B. Coop should be carrying a Louis Vuitton rifle with a patent leather strap. Obviously.

Everything you need to know about Leonardo DiCaprio is in this 2-minute long video of clips taken from a documentary from the olden days called Hangin' With Leo! Seriously, you learn all sorts of awesome facts about Leo like:

Leonardo was named after Leonardo da Vinci: One of the talking heads seems to think this means that his parents were really artistic. Personally, I think this means Leo's parents are future tellers, because they knew one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be named Leonardo, and they wanted their son to be associated with greatness.

Leonardo loves doing karate kicks: See above comment.

Leonardo's childhood nickname was "Leonardo Retardo": Why do I think Leonardo's parents were the first ones to call him that?

Leonardo loves fast food AND quality lit-er-rature: DAMN! Leonardo Retardo is karate kicking through stereotypes!

Leonardo is part of "The Cat Pack," and they regularly stalk girls as they come out of night clubs early in the morning: It makes sense that they are called "The Cat Pack," because all the cats I know regularly hang out in front of bars to pick up stray pussy.

VIA Everything Is Terrible

You you know your brains are covered with several layers of weed dust when you can't stop laughing at this clip of a gigantic pigeon videobombing an important news report in Australia. The anchor dude's unintentional pun drop is not helping.

And if you happen to know the chick in the clip below, please don't tell her that gigantic seagulls are coming to get us all!

VIA Videogum

For just $39.95 you can buy a toddler's swing and use it as a tool to help you achieve an orgasm that will make your nipples pop off and eardrums bust. At least that's what this ad and website for the G-Thrust claims. According to the makers, the G-Thrust helps your man find the spot that makes you see stars. But after watching the clip above, it looks like the G-Thrust is only good for training you not to laugh until you barf while demonstrating a totally useless fuck toy. The girl in the clip is having an orgasm filled with LAUGHS.

There's already enough pressure when it comes to sexy times, and now a bitch has to worry about balancing on a damn board?! Are you fucking, or are you competing in the balance beam finals at the Olympics? SHIT! Use that $39.95 to take your fuck friend to the Sizzler instead. Their greasy ass cheesy bread will make her have an orgasm. Guaranteed!

VIA Copyranter

Kate Hudson better watch out, because Derek Jeter's juicy ass cheeks have successfully woo-ed her man! At yesterday's Angels/Yankees game, A-Roidy just couldn't help himself and had to squeeze on Jeter's ass. You can tell by the look on his face that A-Roid really really means it.

Maybe the mound of muscle before him made him miss Vadge for a second, so he hugged it with his hands for old time's sake. Clip below:

VIA Towleroad