You might think that a video titled "Gato com preguiça/Sloth and her best friend Daisy" is full of non-stop awwwwwws, but every part of me cringed while watching that sloth hug on Daisy the cat for over 4 minutes. The sloth just wants to cover the cat with some hairy love, but that cat is wishing she wasn't in this situation while those long sharp claws cover her delicate pussy mouth. I tensed up the same way I'd tense up while watching a Khloe and Lamar sex tape. While Khloe is doing her thing, your biting at the skin on your finger tips, because you're afraid for Lamar's safety.
Jon Hamm was on Sesame Street and did a little skit with Elmo. While Elmo chiseled a sculpture of himself, he made Jon Hamm show him sculpture after sculpture after sculpture. Yes, Elmo made a sculpture of himself. It's so obvious that this is a different Elmo. Because the Elmo we all know is a dirty, pervy trick and he would've made a life-sized sculpture of The Hammaconda and he definitely would've made Jon Hamm pose for him.
And why did they only shoot Jon Hamm from the chest up?! What are the drunk stay-at-home moms and dads supposed to look at?
Obviously, all of our minds are somewhere else right now, so this is all I've got.
The fake flower aisle at every Michael's is completely empty this weekend and that could mean only one things: It's that time for the annual Fake Flower Headbands and Jorts Convention (aka Coochella)!
The largest gathering of jorts, next to a Cyrus family reunion, happened in Indio, CA this weekend and it brought out a million celebwhores since celebwhores can't resist an occasion to look a mess. Of course, international supermodel Phoebe Price doesn't fall into the "mess" category, because not only she was the most relevant celebrity there, but she was also the most gorgeous and kept it glamorous in a skirt made of denim spaghetti. If you asked PP which bands she was there to see, she'd probably say "They play music here?!" but that's not why she was there. PP was there, because Coachella was in need of her legendary seat filling skills. Or should I say, in need of her legendary patch of grass filling skills.
Here's all the hos that PP put to shame this weekend: Vanessa Hudgens (A BLOOMING MESS!), ASkars, two hitchhiking hobos, Basement Baby, Emma Roberts with Evan Peters, Tater Head, Tallulah Willis,
Verdine White Kelly Rowland, Kate Bosworth with Michael Polish, some fourth-rate desert tramp, Connor Cruise and Rita Whora.
Just like a unicorn sighting or a sober White Oprah sighting, seeing Kunty Karl without his glasses on is a magical and rare occurrence that has only happened a handful of times in real life. Kunty Karl once again made history in Rome yesterday afternoon when he slipped off his sunglasses during lunch to show his friends pictures of his beloved white pussy.
Kunty Karl's friends must all be high-ranking members of the House of the Death Eaters just like him. Because if mere mortals like you or me were around when he took off his sunglasses, we would've turned to dust before he sprinkled our remains into his hair.
Jonas Brothers fans are in college now (read: we're old and we're going to die soon) and one fan asked Joe Jonas to be her date to her college formal. Joe Jonas responded to her with a video that features him in a Wonder Bread suit, Sexy Sax Man, some Careless Whisper and him grunting out butt sex noises while lifting weights. It's obvious that Joe Jonas has a lot of time on his hands, so he can please use some of that time to pick up a dildo, put a ball gag in his mouth and film that mythical sex tape we've all been waiting for? And he better play some Careless Whisper in the background, because I've always said that Careless Whisper is the best song to get pegged to.
Australia should always be proud, because they gave the world Kath & Kim and turned California diamond Brynne Edelsten into a star, but they should feel extra, extra proud today. Two of Australia's classiest citizens were caught by a Google street cam doing it doggy style on a silver BMW. The beer really is the crown jewel of this picture. You can still see it on Google Maps if you click here and go to "street view." If Google eventually kills the party by taking it down, (NSFW) click here to see them in all their whorey glory. You really can't spell heroes without HOS. It's times like this that make me wish I was Australian. That picture should really be Australia's new flag.
David Attenborough, Sigourney Weaver, Alec Baldwin and Oprah can retire as narrators of the Planet Earth and Life series, because this woman in Toronto does it better than them. When an acrobat raccoon got all Cirque du Soleil when it walked across the phone lines, a Canadian woman picked up her camera and narrated the whole thing. Never mind that humanity is doomed since raccoons now know how to use the phone lines to travel from house to house, I'm way too into the narration to worry about that. I kept waiting for her to say, "Clever raccoon don't care!"
No, these pictures are nothing compared to Marc Jacobs' nipple hardening gay pin-up moment over two years ago, but they're still worth posting and that's mostly because of Harry Louis' Pringles can dick. Marc and his porn star boyfriend Harry were in Rio over the weekend and they were sucking on each other's faces and grabbing on each other's nalgas all over the place. Harry's huge bulge almost distracted me from his tragic swim chonies and from the fact that Marc's arms look like a bored 13-year-old doodled on them during Saturday detention. That thing in Harry's pants could probably eat the Hammaconda.
For Marc's sake, I hope he doesn't pay his boy toy by the inch or bitch is going to go broke.
Hundreds of 11-year-old One Directioners went mute and are now in a walking coma after they had several heart attacks and hit puberty hard when Harry Styles got pantsed by that other twink Liam Payne in London last night. Yes, it was a totally natural and not-at-all staged moment. That Liam trick must have the strength of a hundred Khloe Kardashians, because he pulled those pants down fast. Those pants are painted on, so it's impressive that Liam didn't need three shoe horns, a chisel and a spatula to pry them off. It's almost as if he's done it before (wink wink).
And is he wearing a crotchless jack strap underneath his underwear? I bet they were a gift from Taylor.