Open Post

Some dude in Toronto has been partaking in a little golden shower action by himself in the lobby of an apartment building for years and the tenants are pissed (easy pun). They decided to take some action and plastered pictures of the Pee Pee Vandalizer and his tiny accomplice all over the neighborhood. They want his peen head (which looks like the size of a baby mushroom cap).

Just by doing a little simple math, I think I figured out who the mystery pisser is:

Toronto + A Tiny Wang + A Big Asshole = DIMITRI THE LOVER!

VIA OMG BLOG

The brilliance that is Cornify now has a partner in pretty who can help us fight the fugly during our internet travels. I present to you...KITTENIFY! It's just like Cornify, but instead of looking like RPattz shook his dandruff all over your screen, KITTENIFY gives you KITTENS!

All you have to do is add this site to your bookmarks and whenever something is making you burp blood (i.e. the above headline), just KITTENIFY IT. Now your brain doesn't have to think about Heidi Montag's 20 orgasms, because you'll be too busy "awwwing" at the precious puss.

(Thanks William)

This is real love right here. Witness it! There is no stronger love bond than that of a gold digger and a big bag of money in the body of a pepaw. I'm actually getting a little teary eyed (while you're getting a little vommy throated). This is so beautiful.

Larry King took his money hongray wife Shawn out for a little steak the other night despite the fact that he was having eye issues. TMZ says that Larry wore the patch due to cataracts, but I think he's just being modest! I think Larry injured his eye doing some kinky stuff with Shawn down in their sex dungeon! This looks like the result of a good old-fashioned "dildo in the eyeball" accident. Go on, Larry!

Every year around this time, the town of Cave-in-Rock, Illinois gets invaded by the Juggalos who are there to down "Faygo" (also my nickname in high school) by the gallon while enjoying the musical stylings of the Insane Clown Posse. It's the Gathering of the Juggalos, biiiiiiitches! It's sort-of like Lollapalooza, but instead of chicks flashing their tittays at the camera, pregnant chicks flash their tittays at the camera. Amazingness.

I am so tempted to cover myself in fake tattoos, get my hair braided and throw on a "It Ain't Rape If It's Dead" t-shirt to witness this shit firsthand. However, I'm afraid they'll discover I'm a fake and the rest wouldn't be pretty. My no-no has already been through enough and it really isn't ready to rumble with a Juggalo. It's better that I just stay here and watch from afar.

You have to watch the video in its entirety to learn new phrases to use at parties. Also, visit the full gallery to see all the beautiful memories local artist Derek Erdman captured on film.

And just for the record, the Juggalo in the red t-shirt in the second thumbnail below is six-months pregnant and she's smoking. She tells us she's going to buy her new baby a bunch of "hatchet gear." She tells us this while smoking....while being six-months pregnant. She might be a Spears.

Do you love candy? Well, you will love it even more (sarcasm) after seeing this video of Loco Mama singing about a candy bra! At first I thought this was my Uncle Werner after getting the "Xtina Makeover" at the MAC counter! But Werner's chichis are bigger than that.

I have a feeling that Loco Mama has a hit on her hands. This is going to go double barf bag. It's going to sell more than all of Brooke Hogan's albums combined (that is saying nothing).

In other news, a ginge pussy, who might be Keyboard Cat , was just seen trying to jump off the 6th Street Bridge.

VIA Buzzfeed

Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud is one of my favorite drunk Brits. Bitch loves to lap up the sweet nectar and it shows. Look at her ass leaving a London club at 4 in the morning. Druuuunk. When your eyes are unintentionally doing an impersonation of Wonky McValtrex, you've got the drunks in a major way. Speaking of boozing, here's a story/warning out of Boulder, CO that you should try to remember just when you're about to pass out after a night of debauchery.

So, this 20-year-old chick was partying it up on the rooftop of her sister's apartment building in Boulder. The girl's sister said she had two tequila shots, two vodka lemonades and probably a couple of beers, but she wasn't totally blitzed. The girl decided she had enough boozing, so she went downstairs to her sister's fifth-floor apartment to sleep it off. About two hours later, her sister came to check on her and couldn't find her ass anywhere in the apartment! It was about that time that an ambulance pulled up to the apartment building. The girl was lying on the grass below with a window screen near her! The bed the girl was sleeping in was right next to a window. You do the math.

The police think that homegirl accidentally rolled out of the window while she was sleeping. She was taken to the hospital for surgery and is currently recovering. Despite now having a phobia of sleeping next to windows, the girl will be fine.

This is why it's sometimes best to blackout on your bathroom floor! Seriously, before you're about to fall into a drunk coma, close every damn window and lock that bitch! And if you MUST have the window open, attach a bungee cord to your ankle just in case.

While watching the Baltimore Ravens training session yesterday, Snoop Dogg made sure that he remained dry and toasty. Do not even question why Snoop Dogg could not hold the umbrella himself. The Dogg just can't. Think about it. What if he was holding his umbrella and a strong gust of wind came through causing his weed hand to jerk and break? How will he hold a joint by himself? How will he light a bong by himself? How will he turn his vaporizer on by himself? Snoop Dogg cannot risk this. We all cannot risk this. If Snoop Dogg couldn't smoke the good shit, the entire marijuana industry would dry up (and not in a good way).

When I first salivated over these pictures of Ryan Gosling on a motherfuckin' bike, I thought the loud roaring and squeaking in my ears was just my imagination really taking me there. But no, the roaring was actually coming from my genital areas. Don't worry, I just dabbed a little Pennzoil on there and now it won't be doing that anymore. For now. And don't ruing the moment by mentioning Ryan's prison-quality Giving Tree tattoo.

During the first few seconds of this clip, I thought to myself, "Hmmm...In my circle, you can get yourself a free lunch at Olive Garden with facial moves like that." And then it all went dark from there.... My window shades closed by themselves, every door in my apartment locked itself and my cell phone rang, but there wasn't a voice on the other end. It was just static and moaning. The Grim Reaper and I will be skipping down the tunnel to Hell in about 7 days. Great.

VIA Everything Is Terrible (of course!)

If you enjoy almost coughing up your heart out of sheer fear while crossing your living room mantle to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, then this is the product JUST FOR YOU! A company called Cremation FAIL Solutions has started selling urns that look exactly like the head of your dead loved one or "your favorite celebrity." The creepiness is made using one or two photographs. It comes in full-sized and keepsake-sized.

Personally, I think they should market this shit as not only a holder for human body ashes. I mean, they can also sell a Jon Gosselin condom jar and a Fishsticks Paltrow barf bin!

VIA Metro