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Because The Real Housewives of NYC's Cuntess LuMann won't stop until she's humiliated herself on every single network, she shuffled her feet and moved her mouth to her shit single "Money Can't Buy You Class" on KTLA.

Watching this mess is like being trapped in HELL'S karaoke room. You just want to reach for the wall phone and beg the waiter to bring a loaded gun or a bottle of their strongest shit (ammonia will do). Money can't buy you class, but it obviously can buy you delusion.

via ONTD

During an interview for that Grown Ups movie, Salma Hayek nearly stabbed Maya Rudolph to death with her stilettos when she tried to jump away from a snake slithering on the ground. Salma gave us a "Maury, I'm Scared of Peaches!!!!" moment!

Salma and Maria Bello were jumping away as if Jon Gosselin just pulled his pants down in front of them.

You know, I don't blame Salma though. Snakes suck at seeing, so there's a good chance it mistook her world-saving chichis for two curled up mongooses. Better to act the fool and be safe than end up in the emergency room after a snake bit your nipple off.

Without paying a visit to Google, I don't even remember what Lil' Kim's original face looked like before she got nip, tucked and stuffed by a team of plastic surgeons. But now she looks like a CGI Chipette based on Kim Kardashian and La Toya Jackson. Hell, based on all the Jacksons.

You know, it must be hard being Lil' Kim. If you don't have a bunch of brats throwing walnuts at you and begging you to do the "Single Ladies" dance, you've got Joe Jackson bothering you for a cut of your profits. Not to mention that every time Kim smiles, it sticks that way until one of her assistants melts it back down with a hot blowdryer. Hard indeed.

Here's Lil' Kim Kardashian Jackson on the set of a new commercial for Three Olives Vodka.

People has a feature on their site right now called "Twi-Hard Die-Hards! Inside Super-Fans' Rooms" and this is seriously the headliner of that shit. All those amateur Twitards can give it up, because 56-year-old Linda Moore has this! Linda says that she originally wanted to Twitard-ize her bedroom, but her husband refused to lay his head on Edward Cullen's face. So she blew her obsession all over the guest room where can churn the panty pudding in peace.

Linda told People, "One of my best friends says she wants to spend her birthday in there! Everyone who has seen my Twilight room either loves it or thinks I'm crazy."

Look at succulent Linda giving us sex eyes like we're a giant frozen Twidildo. And look at the Edward Cullen pillow looking at us with "help me" eyes. Sorry, Edward Cullen pillow, you belong to Linda now. AND HOW! Imagine the places that pillow has been. I bet Linda's husband has to throw a Febreze bomb into her Twiroom every couple of days so the coochie cream scent doesn't creep under the door and make its way to the rest of the house.

And I can't call Linda crazy, because I'm thinking of turning my bathroom into a giant Mah Boo shrine.

via TDW

Meanwhile at the Lakers game last night, Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman showed that amateur Miley Cyrus how it's really done. And now Foreigner finally knows what love is.

Since I'm already punching at angels in the air over Rue McClanahan's death, I might as well go completely off the edge.....and I'm taking you with me! This is Fishsticks Paltrow showing us how she stuffs her taco with shrimps in a cooking video for GOOP. Thinking about Fishy's shrimp taco is the last thing I needed today. I bet even her shrimp taco frowns at her. Anyways, suffer with me. We'll all jump when she says, "DONESVILLE!"

via POOP

If you've ever wanted to witness a ho dance like a brain damaged T-Rex and sing over a Lady Caca song from the inside of an Ikea bookcase, then you're in luck. Because here it is, and yes it will hurt.

via TDW (Thanks to all who sent this in)

The streets of Miami Beach were transformed into the Garden of Eden over the weekend when a bevy of demure and elegant flowers joined together for Urban Beach Week. This is what Aphrodite's chambers look like in heaven.

Everywhere you turned there was a crystal-covered beauty more ravishing than the last wearing weaves made of Pegasus' mane and bikinis bought in roadside gas stations near Ft. Lauderdale. Bitches probably got arthritis in their knees from curtsying before so many refined ladies. Or maybe they got arthritis in the knees from dodging all the skank bugs flying around.

And yes, this is why every strip club was closed during the day shift in case your uncle was asking.

When I first saw these pictures of prolific philosopher Megan Fox in Hawaii looking like the bodybuilding toddler with stress balls in his chest, I wondered why in the hell would she ever get David Silver's government name tattooed near pussy bone. But then I came across this picture (see what I did there?):

Maybe I'm dizzy in the head from the hot dog salad and 4 vodka strawberry sodas I just swallowed, but I'd throw myself on top of a table and take a tattoo needle for Brian Austin Green. Hell, I'd even slip on an Admiral Ackbar mask and a blonde wig and let him call me Donna Martin. And if that's not a peen print, just lie to me and tell me it is. It's a holiday!

I was under the impression that the thing Brit Brit hated the most was A BRA! But here she is wearing one in Westwood, CA yesterday and showing us that what she hates the most are her THANKLES! Why can't Brit Brit just let her thankles be great? Why can't she just let them breathe and live their lives? Instead of doing that she's always suffocating them with the most horrific boots DWS has to offer. Daddy Spears needs to issue a 5150 on those UGGS. Throw them in a padded room forever, nurse!

Here's more of Brit Brit looking like one of my old aunties picking me up from LAX in her nightgown. But at least my auntie wears socks with Nike sandals instead of UGGS. I'd never get in the car with her if she wore UGGS. I'd rather take the bus (that's saying some shit).