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When I first saw these pictures of prolific philosopher Megan Fox in Hawaii looking like the bodybuilding toddler with stress balls in his chest, I wondered why in the hell would she ever get David Silver's government name tattooed near pussy bone. But then I came across this picture (see what I did there?):

Maybe I'm dizzy in the head from the hot dog salad and 4 vodka strawberry sodas I just swallowed, but I'd throw myself on top of a table and take a tattoo needle for Brian Austin Green. Hell, I'd even slip on an Admiral Ackbar mask and a blonde wig and let him call me Donna Martin. And if that's not a peen print, just lie to me and tell me it is. It's a holiday!

I was under the impression that the thing Brit Brit hated the most was A BRA! But here she is wearing one in Westwood, CA yesterday and showing us that what she hates the most are her THANKLES! Why can't Brit Brit just let her thankles be great? Why can't she just let them breathe and live their lives? Instead of doing that she's always suffocating them with the most horrific boots DWS has to offer. Daddy Spears needs to issue a 5150 on those UGGS. Throw them in a padded room forever, nurse!

Here's more of Brit Brit looking like one of my old aunties picking me up from LAX in her nightgown. But at least my auntie wears socks with Nike sandals instead of UGGS. I'd never get in the car with her if she wore UGGS. I'd rather take the bus (that's saying some shit).

YES! Ever since RuPaul's Drag Race went dark I've been craving some dick tucking EXTRAVAGANZANESS, and now I can finally inject a little into my ass lips thanks to The Real Housewives of NYC's Cuntress LuMann! This is his new video for "Money Can't Buy You Class (Elegance is LUUUUURNED)".

Who knew they can auto-tune a face too, because that looks nothing like her. They used more Vaseline on the lens than they do on LuMann's anus before her prostate exam.

Source: Bryan Boy's Twitter via ONTD

The stoner hero formerly known as Rabluntzel took a machete to his glorious mane a couple of weeks ago, because it was too high maintenance. Willie Nelson publicly debuted his new bob at a show in Maui a few days ago. Willie's hair was so long that he could tickle his prune hole with it, but his spokeswhore said he didn't think cutting it was such a big deal. The spokeswhore didn't say where Willie's hair went.

You know what that means? We all better start looking under every rock on eBay, because Willie's hair is some potent shit! Think about all the good shit particles his follicles have swallowed over the years. Snoop Dogg just came.

Seriously, stick a lock of Willie's hair in your pipe and call the local grocery store to warn them to clear the potato chip aisle, because you're about to bulldoze through.

If you haven't already seen this gross ass ridiculousness, then get ready to dump out your old pussy gravel and replace it with the World's Best Cat Litter! It's the world's best, because if for some reason you find yourself putting your nostril up to your cat's litter box (I'm looking at you, Blohan), you won't take in a giant whiff cloud of cat piss.

And it's even safe enough to eat, because it's made out of corn. So if you ever find yourself hongray and your cupboards are bare, just scoop up some of your cat's litter, throw it in a pot full of hot oil and you've got yourself a delicious snack. POOPCORN!

(Thanks Peaches)

The famewhore cesspool known as Millions of Milkshakes was temporarily cleansed last night after getting a drop of A-list (just politely nod) glamour from the legendary Jackee Harry!

You know every milk jug in that place got jealous when Jackee strolled in with her millions of chichis propped up to Jesus. Yes, Jackee couldn't breathe because she was strapped in tighter than Mimi at el playa, but who needs oxygen to the lungs when your 227 (that's her bra size) titties are giving everybody life.

Since I haven't posted an animal love video (Kendra's sex tape does not count) in a while, here's a clip of a fluffy pussy and a doggy partaking in a little face fellatio and ear nibbling action.

These two are freaky ass bitches, because they know they are being filmed yet they continue to get down with each other. They even look at us like, "Are you enjoying this?" Kinky fucks!

via TDW (Thanks Jen)

And now I finally know-know what I'll miss most about Lost. The MAN NIPPLES!!! Vulture put together a video featuring most of Lost's topless dude moments. Even though this shit might make you reach for the Dharma lube, it's obviously missing some Hurley. You know Hurley's nipples can stomp on all of these hos.

via The Frisky

The small Japanese town of Bibai is currently being terrorized by the Jolly Green Giant's skinny dick which sprouted up through the pavement. The end is obviously near. Prepare yourself by grabbing a water gun filled with mayonnaise. Yes, I eat my asparagus with mayonnaise. Now is not the time for your judgments when we're about to be impaled by raw vegetables.

Splash News (via Telegraph) has the details of our impending doom:

Attack of the killer asparagus! Aggressive asparagus have been causing vegetable vandalism in a small Japanese town. Residents of Bibai on the northern Japanese island of Hokkaido have been stunned to see spears of asparagus shooting up through their streets.

The area is renowned for its cultivation of green asparagus but the healthy foodstuff is turning into a headache for motorists as it erupts through asphalt on rural roads.

They say it's not Photoshopped, but I'm under the assumption that the entire magical land of Japan is Photoshopped, so I'm not sure what to believe. But if this is real-life, I hope this giant asparagus doesn't land in the crotch of the wrong slut. Us sluts will fuck anything that remotely resembles a peen, so it will be bad news if that happens. The fumes will suffocate us all!

In more important news, it's a slow day.

It's a serious shame that the lemur is wearing a diaper, because if he wasn't Snooki would clearly see what her future looks like. Although, I'm sure she's smelling it.

And honestly, Snooki is the one who should be wearing the diaper, not the lemur.

Image via INFDaily.com