Open Post

During an interview in New Zealand the other day, Justin Lesbeaver was asked if his last name means basketball in German. Justin did the Kanye shrug, because he said he had no idea what the word German means. At least Brittany from Glee would say something charming like, "Did you know 'German' means doctor in Polish." Seriously, this really is our future. 2012 can't come sooner.

You know, I was hoping that Justin's luxurious locks were keeping his ears from hearing clearly, but then the VJ dude showed him the word on card and he still didn't know. The Canadian embryo finally said that we don't "say that in America."

So this is why the air smelled like Lemon Pledge, maple syrup and weed smoke over the weekend. It's because millions of Canadians were breathing a sigh of relief when Justin didn't say "in Canada."

In Justin's defense, he hasn't even conquered peeing without getting it on the floor so how can we expect him to know what German means!

via TDW

Start up your genitals, because I've got three orgasm inducers for you today. I know, what did you do deserve a trio of sweet deserts like this?

First on the menu is Mickey Rourke who is WAY too sexy for his tank top from the juniors department. Mickey's nipples are trying to cut their way out of his top while his barbecue roasted gut is trying to bust out of that bitch. This is the real reason for why it was 90 degrees in NYC yesterday. When Mickey hit the streets, millions of crotches overheated.

Our next course features an unidentified hunk of sweaty love seen with Shirley MacLaine in Malibu last night. Shirley's piece, who has eyes like a crackhead in heat, is not only causing his own pits to spit out the creamy panty pudding, but look at what he's doing to ole' girl. Shirley is hollerin' like there's a four alarm fire down below. And he's barely touching her! We better line up, because he definitely has powers.

Lastly, I have for you Michael Bay flashing a piece of his charbroiled chest at a Lakers game last night. The truth is, I tricked you a bit. Michael is the opposite of a hot piece, but I really didn't want to take you over the edge. After suffering third degree burns from looking at two Adonises, you needed something to cool you off. Michael is your bowl of ice.

Thanks to Rosanna Scotto of Fox5 in NYC, today's phrase that pays is: SOY JIZZUM! Try using it in a sentence today. Example: When your abuelita asks you how you're doing, simply say, "SOY JIZZUM!" Or don't. That might be awkward.

In other news, the open post is going up early today because I have to run my dog to the vet. Dude has got the ills. He didn't eat anything yesterday and that is saying everything. Unlike me, he will eat a vegetable if I put it under his mouth. But when I tried to give him a piece of turkey last night, he threw me shade. And he's been crying in pain all morning. I shouldn't have read him that story about the memaw fucking on her grandson. He will never be the same again.

Anyway, I'll be back!

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone's comments and concerns about my sick ass dog! 2 hours and $300 later, the vet didn't find shit! They ran x-rays, checked his blood and gave him fluids. They told me to bring him back if he doesn't eat by tomorrow. My dog acted totally normal at the vet too. Dude was just trying to make me look crazy in front of the vet. I threw him a "Do you have Münchausen syndrome?" side-eye the entire time! And then when we got home, he started screaming in pain again! Maybe it's his way of telling me that he's sick of my trick ass. Well, he's stuck with me. That's that.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

You know what? I'm just going to make like the white pussy in this video and close my eyes until Santy Claus is done with whatever he's doing. You're on your own.

via Videogum (Thanks Sam)

And here we have a still from Xtina's new video "Not Myself Tonight", which will premiere on Skinemax and every motel porn channel this Friday.

You know, I can already hear people screaming about how she's copying Lady Gaga, Madonna and Wendy O. Williams. I'll give them Wendy O, but not Caca and Vadge.

First of all, Vadge was not the first bitch to lick milk out of a bowl. CATS WERE! When her "Express Yourself" video came out, did I hear hos screaming about how she needed to send a cut of her profits to the feline community? No.

Second of all, Caca was not the first trick to cover her body with latex. I'm pretty sure kinky ass Larry King wore a latex bodysuit during his S&M sessions with Nefertiti back in the day.

Anyway, here's a short clip from XXXtina's "Not Myself Tonight Or Ever" video. If you can't see the player, blame your company's porn controls.

SPOILER ALERT! If you don't want to know which glittermeister won RuPaul's Drag Race last night, then take your Absolut acai berry cocktail to the Interior Illusions lounge and bury your eyes in a sequined pillow. Tuck your eyes, basically.

Last night's GRAND EXTRAVAGANZAAAAA FINALE came down to Tyra Sanchez, the ravishing single father who was born from a sweat drop trickling down Beyonce's lacefront, and Raven, the Joey Lawrence-looking goth goddess. Woah.

Ru commanded them to lip-synch for their lives and afterwards it was clear who won that bitch. Tyra might be the kind of cunt who cuts in front of you in the line at the check cashing place, but she set the entire place on fire last night. Quoth the Raven was almost nevermore, because the flames flying off of Tyra's wig almost took her out!

When Ru declared Tyra the Mistress of the Tuck and Fuck, she reacted the way every bitch should react when they win a reality show. Bitch almost fainted! The tuck was too tight, the wig was overheating and the blinding rays shooting off of Ru were too much to handle. Tyra got the drag vapors! I guess, choking on Ru's glow isn't a bad way to go. But seriously, you know she rehearsed that mess in the bathroom over and over again. Inhale, clasp, drop, pant....

And since this shit is better than America's Next Top Model, you know Tyra Banks is going to try out next season. Sadly, I don't think her tuck or wig game is up to par.

Before you start watching M.I.A.'s Born Free video, you should know that it's filled with massive amounts of violence, old lady nipples, grown man fupa, hippo riding and other worldly NSFW delights.

It's actually more of a short film than a music video. A short film with a million important messages that ends with a GINGE GENOCIDE! Seriously. It made me want to throw myself in front of Rojo Caliente! I do like seeing a bus full of gingers, but not like this!

While watching this, I kept thinking of that Ginger With A Soul kid. The rage wafting off of his fire mop is going to break the lens on his mom's camcorder. If he ever leaves his backyard, he's going after M.I.A.!

Finally, we have some real talent around these parts. Here's La Tigresa, Delfin and Wendy Sulca singing their culos off for Israel in my favorite video of the year month week day! We need to all raise a white flag, slip on a leopard catsuit and bounce our shoulders to this mess.

If you aren't allowed to watch videos at work, QUIT and immediately run to the nearest internet cafe (or Apple store, same thing) to watch this masterpiece. If that's not possible, find the longest extension cord in your office, plug your computer into it, carry your desktop down the hall to the bathroom, find an empty stall and press PLAY!

This is like a chili covered mango pop for my soul.

via ONTD

ABC hates chichis, because they allegedly refused to air this totally tame Lane Bryant panty ad during Dancing with the Has-Beens. Fox agreed to show it during American Idol if Lane Bryant turned down the titty volume a bit. When someone at LB pointed out to FOX that they allowed a Victoria's Secret spot to play during Idol, the network changed their mind.

A source at Lane Bryant tells The New York Post that ABC felt "the cleavage of the plus-size models, they said, was excessive, and we don't think that's the case."

However, ABC is accusing Lane Bryant of being a big-tittied Richard Heene for lying in order to create buzz. ABC said, "Their statements are not true. The ad was accepted. Lane Bryant was treated absolutely no differently than any advertiser for the same product. We were willing to accommodate them, but they chose to seek publicity instead."

If ABC really banned this commercial from airing during DWTS then they need to watch their own show, because Edyta shows more ass and side titty than a voluptuous power bottom at an after-hours gay club. Besides, one of the biggest TITS on television was on DWTS.

via Buzzfeed

Here's some boozed and bonged (probably) dude at Coachella demonstrating for all of us how Kiefer Sutherland puts on his flip flops every afternoon. Flip flops are confusing and uncooperative.

I won't be surprised if those evil doers at CROCS use this video to further this dork-sided and demonic cause. Whores for propaganda, bitches.

via Brooklyn Vegan (Thanks Betty)