Open Post

A reporter asked the NY Yankees' pitcher Chun Ho Park why he did such a shitty job during his first game, and he used the exact same excuse I use for everything! It's the go-to-excuse! Take notes, Lohan.

All together now: When your going up to bat and you feel a little splat.... When you're running into first and your butt's about to burst...

via Buzzfeed

In case you were otherwise engaged last night (examples: watching Lost or desperately trying to find a way to write off dildos and booze on your taxes), here's the promo for Glee's all-Vadge episode which airs next week.

It's Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester singing (with the help of an army of auto-tune), dancing and groping her way through Vadge's "Vogue." Personally, I would like to see Sue Sylvester whip tricks in a remake of Vadge's "Human Nature" video, but I'll take this.

And since Hulu doesn't like non-Americans, here's the YouTube version:

Like a lost episode of Reno 911... A sheriff's deputy in Fort Myers, Florida was given a final warning after he electrocuted a lady cop's ass with a stun gun. Corporal Wilmer Arencibia, the butt shocker in question, said it was only meant as a joke. Yes, I'm sure everybody laughed a million laughs while the lady cops' asshole busted into a stroke and started spewing out foam. I know I laugh every time that happens to me.

I'd like to see Corporal Wilmer pull that shit on my ass. My butt would grab the gun out of his hand, flip it around and then stun him back!

via WZZM13 (Thanks Rod)

Lin Yu Chun, the chubby Taiwanese boy who captured hearts with his version of "I Will Always Love You," is back! And this time he's brought his moves.

Not only does this glazed butterball with a bowl cut have the hypnotic voice of a sea siren beckoning sailors to her rock, but he also has the serious moves of a Glittery Gay of YouTube. This pretty much confirms that Lin Yu Chun should star in a remake of The Bodyguard. Queen of the Night, in-fucking-deed!

via Buzzfeed

If you're the pet of a crazed cat or dog person who treats you like a real-life human baby (examples: pushes you in a stroller, dresses you in baby clothes), then direct your hate barks or meows toward Spaghetti Cat, because he's the one to blame for this ridiculousness right here!

Hammacher Schlemmer has put out a pet high chair/torture device for loontardian cat people who don't like to eat their Easy Mac with canned tuna dinner by themselves.

And maybe I should order one too since I think I'm one of them. I mean, the first part of this post is an open letter to dogs and cats. Like they can read human words and operate a computer! Yeah, I better choose rush delivery.

via Jezebel

While visiting cadets-in-training at Black Mountains at Brecon Beacons National Park, Prince Hot Ginge was greeted by a granmama whose knees turned to clotted cream after he gave her a little royal air kiss on the cheek. Is PHG trying to put granny on a gurney?! He needs to be more aware of the effect he has on the hearts of mere mortals. But you know, this is giving me an idea....

Notice how close grandma is to the royal jewels. She got that close without the British Secret Service tackling her to the ground. Hm. I already have an olive green suit from Chico's, a sensible purse from Coldwater Creek and day boots from Dillard's, so all I need is the wig. I've found an in!

This is the only time I've ever wished that I had the ability to get pregnant. Because if I could, I would play this video while I was going into labor. It's Insane Clown Posse's video for "Miracles." Instead of teaching science in school, they should just show every student this video.

It's like an orgy between every Apple screensaver, a P.M. Dawn video, Daddy Spears dressed like a clown, a Noah's Ark Lego set, and Shifty from Crazy Town.

And THE LYRICS! If Galileo also wrote poetry.... Here's a taste from Videogum:

Fucking rainbows after it rains
there’s enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away

I see miracles all around me
Stop and look around, it’s all astounding
Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

It's a fucking miracle that I didn't melt into a puddle of Faygo after or during this video.

Sean Connery's voice can curl a clitoris, but his wife's potent beauty can even force Shauna Sand to get on her knees and pray.

Sean Connery was supposed to be the star attraction at last night's Dressed to the Kilt fashion show, but his wife Micheline was the one who made balls drop to the ground. If La Pequena Chita Rivera was dipped in lucite and gently stuffed into an angel's tampon, the finished result would look just like Micheline. The Scottish cock blocker around her waist is also a nice touch.

Here's a few pictures more of Sean Connery, his angelic wife and his daughter in NYC last night.

If you're in the office today, there's a good chance you're the only ho there so you might as well light up whatever is in arm's reach (i.e. Wite Out, leaves from a plastic ficus, a Sharpie tip, etc..) and watch this precious ass clip of two mice getting married by a singing pussy. It's from something called Dr. Laura Schlessinger's God's Top 10, which uses singing animal puppets to show kids the meaning of each 10 Commandment. This is the one about marriage, obviously.

And I'm pretty sure that's a dude mice dressed in bridal drag. I always knew Dr. Laura was a gay marriage champion. Happy Good Shit Friday!

via FourFour

International Peeps Day is right around the corner, which means you don't have much time to rip the tails off of a dozen My Little Ponies in order to recreate this work of magic right here. If we're going to resurrect Jesus this Sunday, we better give him a reason to show up. Although, he'll probably only show up so he can slap this wrong bitch in the head. And you know the Easter Bunny is going to hold her down for him.

via O Hell Nawl