What's worse than filming your kids in the backseat while driving? Breaking your little son's heart into a zillion pieces by telling him he's not a single lady. To think, in 15 years, that boy would've become an overnight internet sensation and ruler of the Glittery Gays of YouTube. But thanks to his asshole dad, that boy will never put his hands up to a Beyonce song again.
And homegirl in the middle doesn't want to have anything to do with her father's dream-killing ways.
Thank you to the internet. Thank you to websites where you can upload 8 minute long videos. Thank you to star earrings. Thank you to pastel colors. Thank you to shoulder pads. But more importantly, thank you to the person who missed numerous special events (i.e. weddings, funerals, birthdays, meals, meetings with their parole officer, psych evaluations, shower times, etc...) to make this highly educational video compilation of Jerrica Benton saying "Showtime (or Show's Over), Synergy!" over and over again.
When my latest therapist (I go through a lot) ask me to explain my childhood, I'll just show them this video.
via Warming Glow
After making her grand entrance on the German TV show Wetten Dass...?, Beth "The Body" Ditto greeted Austrian skier Hansi Hinterseer by smashing him into the sofa. While Hansi's internal organs slowly started to liquefy, Beth (who is giving me "if Wednesday Addams ate Puglsey" vibes) lifted up her legs and continued to dry hump Hansi with her ass.
Eventually, Beth got up and they all laughed about it. And even though Hansi is now permanently embedded into a sofa for the rest of his days, he'd do it all over again!
Here's the clip of Beth giving it good to Hansi (at the 4:25 mark).
And now I want a cheeseburger....but without the buns, please.
Rapper Paul Wall (rhymes with cornball) witnessed a hilarious yet pathetic brawl at a Whataburger in Texas late one night, and he got it all on tape. In the tape, it all starts when some drunk ass chubster starts yelling at the employees to give him a damn cheeseburger. Another dude in the joint isn't having it and the two throw the fuck word at each other a dozen times. Eventually, they take their fight to the floor. During their sad ass wrestling match, the boozed-up roly poly practically loses his shorts.
You can watch this clip with your pants on, because it might sound sexy on paper, but it's anything BUTT. This is definitely not jacking material.
You know, there's a good chance this could be a viral video for BVD or maybe a feminine hygiene product. On the other hand, there's also a good chance that this could be the real shit. I know that when I go to In-N-Out I pretty much just scream "DOUBLE DOUBLE" until someone tackles me to ground and exposes my nalgas to everyone in the place. It's called foreplay.
Winston the dog, a recent graduate of Latarian Milton's Hood Rat Stuff Academy: Canine Department, was arrested and incarcerated after he attacked a police car and chewed its front bumper off. Maybe the bumper smelled like bacon?
The attack happened outside of Winston's house in Chattanooga, Tenn a couple of weeks ago. Winston's owner and the cops aren't sure what set him off, but my guess is that the officers must have been blaring one of Ke$ha's songs on their stereo. You would chew their bumper off too.
Winston has since been released, but a judge ordered that he must complete obedience classes. HA! Winston's got the itch to do bad things, and none of that "sit, stay, quiet" shit is going to stop him. Bitch is a gangster through and through.
If you've been desperately looking for a friend to keep your Placenta Teddy Bear company at home while you're at work, then ruuuuuuuun to Etsy and get yourself the Belly Button Lint Bear! Yeah, it's a tiny teddy bear made out of belly button lint. I'll wait as you dry yack into your palm. Pause. Whistle. Pause. Are you done yet? Ok!
The seller doesn't say how many different belly buttons they had to pick to collect enough lint for one bear. What I want to know is, how can we be sure the lint is coming from belly buttons only? I think we deserve to know if they used clitty lint too.
And I'll holler at you when someone on Etsy starts selling a Butt Dingle Bear. It will complete the trio!
While visiting Haiti earlier this week, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton shook hands with several Haitians in Port Au Prince. Ole' George got a little grossed out by something on his hand and tried to shake it off. When that didn't work, he did what any 5-year-old would do and wiped it on Bill's shirt. HA! That OCD Queen!
If George wants to be less obvious, he should just walk around in a Hamzat suit and make everyone marinate their hands in extra-strength Purell before shaking it.
And Kanye West will bust out a "SEE! I WAS RIGHT!" rant in 3...2...
Apparently, dog show judges like to see a little life in the face of the usually bored Bulldog. So in order to get a "questioning look" on their bull dog's faces, handlers molest their dog's nut bags while holding their heads up.
Dude is straight-up tickling that Bulldog's balls WITH feeling! He's doing it like he really means it. I expected the handler to whisper a love sonnet in the Bulldog's ear or lick his fingers before handling. Sucio.
If the handlers wanted to get a "WTF look" on their Bulldog's faces without taking them to second base, they could just show them this video. Nobody is fluffing my parts (no, not even myself, you sick ass) at the moment and I've definitely got a "questioning look" on my face.
In related news, Kevin Spacey has just announced his retirement from acting so that he can devote his life to being a show Bulldog.
The only reason to watch Celebrity Apprentice is to witness Cyndi Lauper's genius verbal-aneurysms, but the star of last night's episode was some random girl who went up to Rod Blagojevich to tell him that her parents named her after him. No, her parents did not name her "Disgrace." The girl thought Rod was Donny Osmond!
I don't know what's the most tragic part of this. Blago's "Dennis the Menace" hair or the fact that the girl was named after Donny Osmond. It's a toss-up.
And I'm pretty sure Cyndi Lauper still thinks she was competing against Donny Osmond.
We all need to move to Japan and get jobs as Don Drapers, because it's obvious that they encourage you to eat LSD tabs during brainstorming sessions. That's the only way I can explain this trippy, terrifying commercial starring a broken-hearted boy (who is trespassing, by the way), an Adrien Brody look-alike and a bag of drugs masquerading as chips.
Actually, there's another explanation as to why this commercial is a total mind fuck: IT'S FROM JAPAN.