Let me try to put this as eloquent as possible:
FOR WHY?????!!!!?? MY EYES! MY SOUL! IT BURNS! WHY?!!!!!!
On Saturday, I went to see the optometrist and I thought it was going to be a regular appointment. You know, she'd check my eyes, tell me I'm as blind as always and then kick me out after I ask her if I could stick my ass against the glaucoma testing machine for a few minutes. But I didn't get to ask her about sticking my ass against the glaucoma testing machine, because she pulled up some pictures they took of my eyeballs and told me that it looks like my retina is detaching from eyeball and I have to go to a specialist. Just minutes before I went to the eye doctor, I watched Courtney Stodden's video. Coincidence?! NO! We finally have scientific proof that the sight of Courtney Stodden tears retinas! My eye doctor should've told me to stay away from all images of Courtney Stodden until further notice, because I don't think my eyes will ever be the same after seeing these pictures of the porn iguana kissing her daddy on the red carpet. If my retina didn't already detach from my eye, it did now!
Courtney's creepy husband Doug Hutchison, her dad Alex Stodden and her pimp mom Krista Stodden all came out to celebrate the premiere of her music video at some club in L.A. last night. Surprisingly, the creepiest moment of the night wasn't when Courtney sucked on Doug's serial killer dough face while hugging a stripper pole. The creepiest moment of the night was when Alex Stodden spanked his daughter and then kissed her. They're like the Tales from the Crypt version of Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe. And it looks like when Daddy Alex gets really excited, his chins expand.
If it turns out that Daddy Alex is a closeted pastor who is really into twinks, I'm done. I'm done.
Usually I spend my Sunday nights on my balcony screaming, "GIVE ME PUFFY PEEN! GIVE ME PUFFY PEEN!" at the cars driving by. But tonight I'll be screaming, "GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS! GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS!," at the TV while watching a Golden Girls marathon. No, I'll be screaming it at the Grammys, but if there's a Golden Girls marathon on tonight let me know, because I'd rather watch that shit. So the Grammys are on tonight and I'm going try to watch the live stream, because Los Angeles is one of the lands of the past and it doesn't come on until 11pm EST here. I better see a lot of rebel nip slips and even more insubordinate camel toes tonight and I hope that none of them come from Taylor Swift.
Feel free to scream, 'GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS," in this open post hosted by a freshly blown Justin Timberlake looking like a third tier weeknight lounge singer at a 2 star hotel in Palm Desert.
Or just fuck the Grammys and watch the Honey Boo Boo Christmas special instead.
We can all ascend now that we've seen beauty and glamour in its finest, rawest and most potent form. I hope you have a paper bag handy, because it's only a matter of seconds before your b-hole starts hyperventilating. That is a natural reaction to the sight of elegance incarnate.
It only took two packs of Lee Press On Nails, five Sharpies, four handfuls of stick-on rhinestones, three jars of Vaseline, one bottle of Wite Out, a gallon of oil-based red paint, a whole lot of black shoe polish and the finest rhinestone pieces from QVC, but the most gorgeous creature in Europe Harald Glööckler managed to top himself. And yes, I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the history of forever that the words "Harald Glööckler managed to top" have been typed, read or spoken.
Last night in Austria, Mira Sorvino, her husband, Gina Lollobrigida and dozens of others at the Vienna Opera Ball lost their breaths and suffered from severe glamour inhalation when Harald Glööckler rode in on a horse-drawn carriage like the royal empress he is.
Let's all bow down to the unicorn skunk chola who is as precious as a wet kiss from a rainbow and as dazzling as a Liberace butt queef. Actually, I don't think Harald glued those rhinestones to his beautiful face. He's just having an acne breakout. Yes, even his acne breakouts are works of art.
Various Pizza Huts around the world have already brought us pizza in a pizza, cheeseburger crusted pizza, Kit Kat pizza dough pops and now they've really done it by serving up an artery-clogging, stomach-hurting mound of madness. Boing Boing posted this picture from the Tumblr of John Lehmann, a photojournalist who is traveling around China and found this hot dog-encrusted shrimp tempura pizza with mayonnaise pizza at a Pizza Hut there.
I don't know if this is the nastiest circle jerk I've ever seen or if it's the most deliciously disgusting circle jerk I've ever seen or both. How can weed not be legal in China, because there's no way you could put your mouth around that thing unless your name is Mama June or you're extra EXTRA extra high on the right stuff.
This is the kind of bukkake scene you'd see if you walked into the Scientology's men's lounge on any given weekend night. Alien jizz and plump wieners galore. And yes, David Miscavige, Tommy Girl and John Travolta are the shrimp tempuras.
Let's all pour a thimble full of the sweet nectar out for the iron, because its days as a Monopoly piece are over. I can finally say, "I want to the PUSSAY!" before playing a game of Monopoly, because after a fan vote on Facebook, the cat was voted in and the iron was voted out.
HuffPo says that the cat beat the robot, the helicopter, the guitar and the diamond ring. The shoe and the wheelbarrow were almost voted out, but in the end the iron got kicked out and is now living behind a dumpster on Mediterranean Avenue. The shoe, the thimble, the top hat, the racecar, the Scottie dog the battleship and the wheelbarrow will stay on as pieces.
NOT THE IRON! When you're drunk, stoned and your fingers have become gummi worms, the iron was the Monopoly piece to go with because it had a little handle. That little handle came in handy when you were fucked up. But whatever, of course the cat wins. The cat always wins. The only way the cat wouldn't have won is if it was up against a (useable) bong piece and a dildo piece. And yes, that was a hint to Hasbro. Dump the shoe and give me a dildo!
The last time Tan Mom made an appearance at XL in NYC, she attacked a drag queen, fell on the red carpet, cursed everyone out and got kicked off the stage. (So basically, she was you on any given Friday night.) XL loves a mess, so they invited Tan Mom back for an encore performance and she did more of the same, but this time she also flashed her pork rinds, delivered some sweet, sweet moves and served up some caveman glamour. (So basically, she was you on any given Saturday night.) Yes, I said "caveman glamour." If you look at these pictures after cooking your brains in a tanning bed for four days straight, she will look like Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC to you. Or in the very least, she'd look like Harpo Marx as Raquel Welch.
And I was going to say that this is Lindsay Lohan's future, but this is Lindsay Lohan now. Living the life!
We should all feel a little safer knowing that if we're ever attacked by a crazed racist who thinks he's Jesus, a real-life Jeff Spicoli will magically appear and save the day!
KMPH Fox 26 (via Mediaite) brings us this story from Fresno, CA about a psychopath who claimed that he was the reincarnation of Jesus and was trying to rid the world of black people. The crazy racist bitch targeted a PG&E worker, because he was black and rammed a car into him. The KKK's answer to Jesus pinned the man between his car and a truck and then tried to pull the man out to finish him off. Two women saw the whole thing go down and ran toward the scene to stop Racist Jesus from hurting the man even more. When the women started telling the crazy bitch to leave the man alone, he started attacking one of them and tried to bear hug her to death. Then the dark clouds cleared, lightning flashed and a hitchhiking, hatchet-wielding homeless savior named Kai dropped from the sky to save everyone!
Because this story isn't crazy enough, Kai happened to be the passenger in the racist Jesus' truck. The racist Jesus was giving Kai a ride.
Kai jumped out of the truck, pulled out his hatchet and became the anti-Christ when he started smashing on the racist Jesus. The police showed up, arrested the racist Jesus and the PG&E worker was taken to the hospital where he was treated for two broken legs.
Kai's interview with Fox is perfection from start to finish and is the best thing that has come out of Fox. "Smash, smash, smu-ash!" is the new "Run and tell that!"
And I better see Kai in the next Avengers movie. Thor who?
While looking as naturally as exquisite as always, Lil' Kim stepped out in West Hollywood on Friday night with the help of two man hands. Lil' Kim is as delicate as a terracotta pot so she needs the help of two strong dudes to make sure she doesn't take the wrong step, tumble to the ground and break into a million pieces. It'll take a lot of man hours and a lot of Super Glue to put her back together.
If you took the face of a ceramic Lucky Cat, pasted it on a Nicki Minaj Real Doll, filled it with the essence of Snooki and then sprayed it all down with the same lead-based paint that La Toya Jackson sprays herself down with, you'd get Lil' Kim. Absolutely stunning. She looks more like a cat than most cats do. Don't you just want to throw a ball of yarn at her?
Kanye West performed in Abu Dhabi last night and he wore the same outfit his publicists strapped to his body when they wanted him to stop tweeting. Slap a piece of industrial-strength tape over Kanye's mouth and he'd never look better! I know that Kanye is trying be oh-so-edgy and is trying to give us new layers of art (he isn't), but I'd be pissed if I spent good money on a Kanye concert only to have my soul fall out of my ass when he came out looking like the terrifying spawn of Michael Myers and Dr. Lecter. The mental patient mummy look is not the look.
And speaking of whorifying things, here's a knocked up Kim Kartrashian leaving the hair salon yesterday.
Chelsea Welch of St. Louis, Missouri is out of a job today after Applebee's pink-slipped her and gave her a one way ticket to the unemployment office for going on Reddit and posting a note on a credit card receipt from a pastor who left a server a not-so-Christian message instead of a tip. Pastor Alois Bell of The Truth of the World Ministries church crossed out the automatic 18% tip for parties of 8 or more and wrote: "I Give God 10% Why Do You Get 18." Somewhere God is wondering where his 10% is, because his PayPal account is empty and he knows those Sunday morning donuts and cups of coffee weren't donated from Dunkin' Donut and he knows they didn't pay for themselves.
Chelsea tells The Consumerist that she wasn't even the one who served Pastor Bell at Applebee's on January 25th. The server showed Chelsea the receipt and she thought it was funny so she took a picture of it and posted it on Reddit for laughs. The server claims that Pastor Bell and her party of 20 didn't have a problem with the service and didn't complain once during the entire meal. But when it came time to get the check, Pastor Bell tried to work around the whole "18% tip for parties of 8 or more" rule by asking for separate checks even though she's the one who was going to pay each check. It's a shady, shady move, but my abuelita approves! Pastor Bell's shady move didn't work and an 18% gratuity was still added to each check. The server said the computer automatically did it.
When Pastor Bell and her party paid up and left, the server found the bitchy note waiting for them. After the served showed it to Chelsea, she posted it on Reddit with Pastor Bell's signature in full view. Chelsea said that she didn't block out the pastor's signature, because she didn't think anybody would be able to make it out. The receipt went viral in a quick minute and ended up on Yahoo!. That's when Pastor Bell found out about it, called Applebee's and demanded that not only Chelsea get fired, but she also asked for the heads of every single person who works at that location. Pastor Bell wanted all of them fired.
Applebee's didn't clean house for Pastor Bell, but they did tell Chelsea to get the fuck out, because they say she violated policy by sharing a customer's private information. Chelsea says that she looked in the policy book and as far as she knows, she did nothing wrong. After a bunch of people jumped on Applebee's Facebook page and demanded that Chelsea get her job back, they said this:
"Our Guests’ personal information – including their meal check – is private, and neither Applebee’s nor its franchisees have a right to share this information publicly. We value our Guests’ trust above all else. Our franchisee has apologized to the Guest and has taken disciplinary action with the Team Member for violating their Guest’s right to privacy. This individual is no longer employed by the franchisee."
Pastor Bell wah-wah-wah-ed to The Smoking Gun and said that it was a "lapse in judgement" and this whole mess has "brought embarrassment to my church and ministry.” Pastor Bell says that she left a $6 cash tip and that Applebee's charged the 18% to her credit card anyway. Chelsea isn't moved:
“Whether or not she left a tip, the note was still offensive. It wasn’t my table, it wasn’t my tip. I’m not sure who ended up with what money at the end of the night. But you can’t really argue with what’s plainly written, and what was written was insulting. Insulted or not, I’ve lost my job over this mess, and that’s what I’m concerned with now. The six dollars one way or another wouldn’t really affect that situation.”
WWJCS: What would Jesus Christ say? Or What would Joan Collins say, depending on what your religion is.
Posting a customer's receipt on Reddit maybe isn't the smartest thing to do, but getting fired over it? Isn't waiting on non-tippers at Applebee's punishment enough? And you know, this makes me feel not so bad about the time my abuelita dragged me to church and when the donation basket came around, I put in $5 and took four ones. No, I didn't do that. Okay yes, I did.