Open Post

Butt sex will never be the same again thanks to this clip of Sherri Shepherd working her ass out on The View this morning.

With all this talk of death floating around these parts, I felt like we needed a slap of raw cuteness to the face, so here is some of the PUPPIES!!! that will be part of the starting line-up at the most important sporting event this Sunday: The Puppy Bowl featuring the kitty half-time show.

Why watch a bunch of sweaty men with their nostrils in each other's asses when you can watch puppies! Did I just type that? PUPPIES!! really do give me fever, because I'm sounding more delusional than normal. Who cares?! We've got puppies!

And I'm going to bet a cup of bong water on the ferocious player above being named MVP (most valuable puppy).

The tabloids need to shut the hell already about Jennifer Aniston texting that asshole Brad Pitt. Jen is too busy making adorable masterpieces like the one above.

This really needs to be made into an IMAX 3D Experience.

via Videogum

I know you probably think that I report the important news affecting our world today from a wood-paneled office while wearing a three-piece suit and freshly polished wing-tips. But the ugly truth is I make the blog donuts from a broke down West Elm table while wearing sweats and a t-shirt thin enough for me to use the ends to floss the jerky bits out of my teeth. I am lucky.

However, it is a pain in the asshole whenever I have to put on outside clothes to go to the corner store to buy more beef jerky. But thanks to the genius makers of the Pajama Jeans, I don't ever have to strain myself by putting on real pants AGAIN! The Pajama Jeans are pajama bottoms that look just like a pair of fancy jeans from the European designer section at a fine department store. It's a mirage!

This shit should be called Life Changing PJeans! They take you from day to night and back to night again. These are the only bottoms you'll ever need in your life. Well, almost the only bottom you'll ever need. You still need this bottom, because you do have to watch American Idol twice a week.

via Videogum

The White House party crashers are so ten million years ago. Let's all focus our attention on the Grammys crasher: Nadeea. Okay, okay, I don't know for a fact that Nadeea crashed the Grammys, but come on. Nadeea obviously had to jump a fence, crawl under a velvet rope and smuggle herself onto the red carpet by hiding under one of the Jonas Brothers' chastity belts. And thank the fuck she did!

After visiting Nadeea's MySpace page, I still don't know if she's a Russian pop star or a BINGO waitress, but it doesn't really matter. Nadeea doesn't need to make sense, because she made a pair of Easter church shoes from Bakers look slutty. That's worth more than a million broken Grammys.

If Ke$ha got the dollar sign in her name repossessed, because she couldn't make the payments anymore, she would look just like Nadeea. Nadeea is the new and improved Ke$ha. Or should I say Ke¢ha.

And here's a few more beauties who might have crashed the red carpet for a photo-op. They are: Chicken Cutlets (dressed as the Ghost of Famewhores Past), The Situation, Snooks, Aaron Carter, Colonel Sanders' gay nephew, and Adrienne Lau (who needs to invest in a Go Girl).

Glittery Gays of YouTube (or Dailymotion), this is your next assignment. Snatch your sister's favorite red "fuck me dress" from her closet, slather yourself in grease from the jar your grandma keeps under her kitchen sink and work on your "gimme the q-tip" faces in the mirror. These are the three key things you need to focus on when recreating Beyonce's commercial for her new perfume Beyonce Heat (aka Overheated Wig). Accept this mission, because this dreadful commercial could use some glitter.

via PITNB

If cats could channel George Clooney in Up in the Air by traveling all around the place making money, then I would run down to the ASPCA right now and adopt a million of them! But sadly, this Japanese commercial is not real-life. However, it is the kind of commercial America needs. Take note, Don Drapers of the US!

Fur Fact: Maru was offered the lead role in this commercial, but he politely turned it down to focus on his acrobat career.

via Buzzfeed

This is the new video for Mimi's poetic masterpiece "Up Out My Face," and it looks like a Target commercial specifically aimed at wig-wearing women who spend all their coins on plastic surgery and only surround themselves with drag queens and make-up artists (aka Lil' Kim).

The fact that this mess is Barbie-themed isn't surprising. Mimi will forever be a 12-year-old with no parental supervision and a bottomless checking account. Mimi's adult life is based on the movie Blank Check.

You know, I'm not sure about that Nicki Minaj trick. Nicki's lisp makes my wrist twitch, which might be a good thing. I'm watching her. And speaking of lisps, here's the Rainbow Farty Princess' other new video with Ne-Yo.

via the Life Files & ONTD

Here is the latest orgasm-inducing piece of technology that will make bitches sell their chirruns to get one. It's the Apple iPad (WITHOUT WINGS) as presented by Steve Jobs. Steve should really switch careers and become a Barker's Beauty, because he obviously has a gift for spokesmodeling.

Engadget has a million pictures and details, but it basically looks like an iPhone after overdosing on growth hormones. Although, the iPad does look like it makes porn viewing easier. You can easily rub your genitals on the screen without a pesky laptop keyboard getting in the way. They better sell iCondoms to slide over your iPad.

And MADtv is going to file a lawsuit in 3...2....

Now this is the iPad the world really needs.

On the Price is Right yesterday, a lady hit the floor faster than Gay Al at the White Party after she learned she could possibly win a brand new Dodge.

At least that's what they tell me. However, I'm guessing being in the presence of a scorching hot memaw gave the lady the vapors. LILLY LILLY LILLY usually has that effect on people.

(Thanks Andrea & Jana)