SKANKS

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Here is your morning mug of piping hot laughs brought to you buy the whorey walrus that is Kim Kardassian! Yesterday, Kim posted this shit from UsWeekly about Forever 21's new plus-size line which mentioned her and it really made her fat ass boil in anger (smells like charred jizz and rancid hamburger meat). Kim carefully placed her mountain-with-a-mudslide ass on the keyboard and her let butt lips do the writing:

I feel that this clipping from Us Magazine is a bit misleading, so I wanted to comment on it.

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

For the record, you are a size DUMB WHORE. Seriously, a SIZE 2?! Maybe if you take two size 2s and sew them together, you could cover one of her chunky ass cheeks. MAYBE. Does this trick shop at Jennifer Love Hewitt's favorite store: Big, Short & Delusional? Kim proves that queefing out random numbers is nothing but fun!

This stupid Monday-to-Friday skeezer makes no sense. She loves her curves, yet being considered "full-figured" is offensive? You know what's offensive? Kim Kardashian! UsWeekly never even called her plus-sized. Obviously, bitch needs to get a dude to piss in her ear again, because her one brain cell needs cleaning.

Khloe Kardashian, bring your "full-figured" ass over here and stomp on this pinche heffer!

Lunch? Who needs it? Dinner? Not necessary! Stomach?! Let it go! Seriously, if you dare venture into these three pictures below, your stomach will put up a "Vacancy" sign break out of your ass. It will be through with you! Luckily, I managed to grab mine before got out the front door.

I don't know how old these pictures are, but it's of Lady CaCa giving her friend Lady Starlight a pussy examination at a club in NYC. Yeah, it's your typical drunken shit, but this is why the delete button exists on a camera.

Lady Starlight's vagina looks like a wet beaver suffocating in a net, because it's going through some traumatic shit! Lady CaCa's fug mug will make any flower wilt.

Throw it back into the fucking sea! I never thought I'd ever ever write this, but I'd rather share a McNuggetini with Lady GaGa's droopy cooch than look at this herp-crusted piece of rotten Mahi Mahi. That's how much this wonky skankwhoreslutbitch makes the caca boil up into my throat. It probably tastes better than her toxic chocha juices. And is that a piece of lattice fence she's wearing?! Extreme WHORE Makeover!

On a positive note, at least those glasses cover up her busted wonky eye! However, Geordi La Forge called and said Wonky can keep those things. The CDC already warned him.

It wasn't just a bad nightmare, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker really did break up! Yes, I know you woke up this morning, hoping it was just the cruelest April Fool's Joke ever. But don't take a pair of safety scissors to your wrist to stop the pain, because that's not what Shanna wants. No, she wants you to pay attention to her! Only she says she doesn't. But she does. Just don't let her know that you know that. The famewhore is playing hard to get it.

In a new post on MySpace, Shanna blamed Travis for e-mail fucking with other whores and said his friends were slagging her off on blogs and shit. Shanna never addresses the rumors that she blew the bagpipes of a certain hot piece of Scottish meat. I'm guessing Shanna didn't bring his name up, because she can't type it without her ass lips clapping like it's someone's birthday. I don't think anyone can type Gerard Butler without - Oh! There goes me. And here goes Shanna's full rant. Cross your eyes (it makes more sense that way) and read away:

I really thought the days of my personal relationship being played in the public eye were over. just so there is no confusion or "source" to attack my character, I am saying my side.

Travis and I were very much together in September when the horrific crashed happened, not only did I fly to Georgia I stayed by his side the entire stay and also for the bus ride home to LA, I think any human being with a heart and for the love of any good friend , never mind father of their children and lover would do the same, After arriving in LA and getting settled in the new hospital, I came across numerous romantic emails with MANY other woman, some famous , some I personally knew, all heart breaking. and the woman involved you know who you are and should be ashamed of yourself. I also came across emails where employees of my ex were writing comments on gossip networks like TMZ and Perez Hilton, attacking me as a woman and a mother. I Think those were more painful then the infidelities. As anyone can imagine, I was devastated, this is when I stopped going to the LA hospital, I knew and made sure even after what I learned he had a strong support system in place with friends and family, and I made it clear to them why I would be dismissing myself, at that point with the new information revealed to me I considered myself SINGLE and thou In my heart hoped we would remain friends and good parents had no intentions of getting back together. It was a painful time that no one unless they had lived it has the right to judge. Any actions I may or may have not done after this time, mean nothing.

I have been attacked by my Ex and his friends in the press for years at this point, my ability as a mother ( which to me is the cruelest thing you can do to any mother) my character and my integrity. I have never verbally bashed him as a father. I didn't even bash him after the infamous blogs years ago, I have never went on different social networks and made campaigns of hate and slander, In fact MANY times I have had to bite my tongue and try to be the bigger person. I have tried to always put the lives and thoughts and feelings of my children first. I am by no means an angel, and I have made many mistakes, but a woman can only turn her cheek so many times.

"No Comment" just wasn't sufficent this time when people continue to lie and distort the truth. the sad part is, the truth really isn't that juicy or news worthy, it's sad and I wish it had been left behind closed doors. I am a human being and the bashing has taken it's toll.

hope your all happy.
s.

I know the bashing is taking its toll on her as a human being, but it should be "you're." I KNOW! I'm the last whore on this fucking internet planet who should be calling a bitch out for that kind of shit, but I couldn't help it. I get to be the copy editor for once. Let me have my moment.

And I'm sure that by the time I hit "publish" on this bitch, Shanna's ass lips will be clapping all over Travis' mouth during a make-up salad tossing.

Water is wet, Katherine Hagel is a cunt, Tommy Girl likes a spoonful of hot man chowder on his forehead every morning and Shanna Mocos and Travis Barker have broken up. Mark April 1, 2009 as the day the love died for the ten trillionth time. Their talking whores confirmed the queef-inducing news to UsWeekly.

Shanna and Travis got married in 2004. Most of you stopped fucking caring about them in 2005. Shanna filed for divorce in 2006. They tried to make it work in 2007. Their divorce became official in 2008. They got back together again in 2009. And now we're here.

A source said they broke up last night in true trailer trash fashion. They had some stupid fight about Gerard Butler and the cops had to be called. Travis accused Shanna of fucking on manwhore Gerard while he was in the hospital after the jet crash. Last night, Shanna claims her Twitter was hacked into and the evil doer posted something about her sucking Gerry's peen while Travis was recovering. Just for the record, it's not cheating if it's with Gerry Butler. It's your duty as a human with genitals.

Shanna denies she ever cheated on Travis. Shanna's spokeswhore also said something that almost made me swallow my tongue, "Shanna is tired of playing out their personal relationship in the press."

No, she won't do that, but she will handle it like a mature adult by passing notes to Travis during detention through Twitter. That's how they're handling it tonight. Travis and Shanna have been posting quotes they probably got out of a fortune cookie. Example: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” Yeah, deep dish shit.

Shanna's next post is totally going to be, "Confucious says 'Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.'"

If someone calls me a "skank," I respond with, "Why, thank you." Not Liskula Cohen. That skank bitch responds with a lawsuit!

Liskula is a 36-year-old model who has worked for Vogue, Giorgio Armani and Versace. One of Liskula's arch rivals started a blogged called SKANKS in NYC devoted to trashing her.

The blog's 5 posts, all made back in August, features pictures of Liskula acting like a slut (I didn't say skank). The anonymous blogger also wrote such gems as: "I would have to say that the first place award for "Skankiest in NYC" would have to go to Liskula Gentile Cohen. How old is this skank? 40 something? She's a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank."

Liskula filed a lawsuit in Manhattan court to force Google and Blogger to reveal the identity of the bitch who thinks she's the #1 skank in NYC.

She told the NYDN, "It's petty, it's stupid and it's pathetic. And when I do find out who did this, at least I'll know who my enemies are."

This fucking pisses me off! I fuck my ass off to be called the #1 Skank in NYC and this ho doesn't even want the title! Fuck! What the hell is a skank supposed to do?! How can I out-stank NYC's #1 Skank?!

And by the way, when I use the words "skank, whore, bitch, slut, cunt, skeezer, heifer, etc...," I don't mean it the way everyone means it. What I really mean is that you are a fine person with pure genitals and the highest of morals. So you don't have to worry about calling your lawyer. You stupid SKANK!