SKANKS

Hugh Hefner's former twin day nurses (they were in charge of crushing pills into his blueberry sauce) Kristina and Karissa Shannon have already proven that they will climb every step on the fuckery ladder for attention, so naturally here they are giving us a visual representation for The Incest Song at a Playboy party.

This mess looks like one factory rejected mannequin trying to give CPR to another factory rejected mannequin. Besides, St. Angie and James Haven did it better. And by better I mean grosser.

Eddie Cibrian pissed all over the rumor from Star Magazine that he creeped out on LeAnn Rimes with his estranged wife Brandi Glanville. Eddie got maaaaaaaad on his Twitter and waved a finger at both Brandi and Star for co-piloting a bull dozer headed straight for his happy home with LeAnn. Don't they know that only Eddie and LeAnn are allowed to do that kind of shit?! Here's Eddie unleashing his wrath on the both of 'em:

Once again my ex has stooped to a new low attempting to sabotage my beautiful relationship with LeAnn. Not surprisingly the ONLY magazine that decided to run the story shares the same credibility and delusion as my ex. They should be ashamed of themselves.

BUT WAIT! A different source backed up Brandi's claim to E! Online. This source says that Eddie did pass his peen to Brandi, but it was shortly after he left her for LeAnn. The source explains, "LeAnn knew about it 100 percent! Obviously, she was upset. Eddie and Brandi were intimate after he and LeAnn were together, but it only happened twice."

LeAnn went on her own Twitter to defend Eddie, and said they are in Montana to escape the bullshit by locking themselves up in a cabin. More like LeAnn is locking up Eddie's dick before he sticks it in another snatch that doesn't belong to her. Nice try, LeAnn. I'm sure there are some devastatingly sessy bears, geese, horses, coyotes, platypuses and trout in Montana that Eddie just won't be able to resist. Eddie is a for real whore who gets the shakes if he doesn't hump on a different piece.

LeAnn even posted a "Yup, this bitch is mine!" picture on her Twitter last night. Braggy bitch.

I'm telling you, Eddie's anal gland lips will be pressed up against a lady moose or a farmer with womanly hips by the start of the weekend. YOU CAN RUN AND TELL THAT!

I know what's it missing!

Much better!

Miss Pass Around Pussy 2010 (what I wouldn't give for that title), Rachel Uchitel, is a shameless gold digging skank tramp with no morals who would suck a load out of a meerkat's ass if The Insider filmed it....but she wants everyone to know that she isn't the trick trying to get a dime out of David Boreanaz. It's silly when us sluts try to act like we have integrity.

Rachel released a statement through her attorney Gloria Allred stating that contrary to reports she never tried to extort money out of Angel in exchange for her silence about their alleged affair.

"David Boreanaz is not part of my life, nor will he be. I am not in communication with him and do not wish to be. I have made no claims against him and do not plan to assert any. Any statements to the contrary are false and I hope that this statement will finally end any speculation about this issue. I am looking forward to a life that is not filled with scandal, rumor, innuendo or false statements about me. I will not have any further comment regarding David Boreanaz."

Rachel is in luck because she's already filled with gallons of celebrity sperm, so there's no room in there for more scandal, rumor, dignity, etc.... The NO VACANCY light is shining bright.

What Rachel really meant by her bullshit statement is that if she failed to snatch $10 million out of Tiger's paw, she would've knocked on David's door. Plan A was a success, so David was dropped from her hook.

The rotten lump of stupid that is Peaches Geldof wants you to think she's trying to be ironic and edgy by wearing Jesse James' favorite nightshirt, but I know what she's really doing. That nasty piece of trash is trying to divert your attention from her HOTTER and SESSIER friend. Bitch failed as usual.

Even though Peaches' ugly ass outfit is barfing the words "LOOK AT ME!" over and over again, she still looks like a dusty tumbleweed next to that Asian sex ball. It's as if Pat and Grandma Kim from All-American Girl had a secret love child. Giddyup! Giddyup!

Here's more of Peaches and her friends begging for an ass whoopin' on the streets of Los Angeles yesterday. Even the deformed cave cannibals from The Hills Have Eyes wouldn't eat their asses. You know, because they don't attack their own.

Wonky McValtrex recently dumped burrito heir Doug Reinhardt, because her mutant cooch gnats slowly ate his penis so she really doesn't have any use for him anymore. Wonky says that even though thousands of dudes are throwing themselves at her hooves, she still wants to remain single.

At last night's UsWeekly party, Wonky told The Sun, "A lot of guys have obviously hit on me and I am getting thousands of calls, but I'm not ready to be with anyone. Maybe in six months or a year but, right now, I'm just too busy for a relationship."

This bitch. Like there's really a thousand straight dudes on the planet who haven't hit that. Walk into any burn center in any city and ask every dude there what they're in for. 9 out of 10 of them will tell you, "I had sex with Paris Hilton."

I'm sure she's getting a thousand calls a day, but half are from the CDC begging her to stop, and the other half are from the pharmaceutical companies telling her to keep on, keep on.

Tampons are having the worst month ever. First came the tale of Terry Richardson's love of tampon tea, and now here's a story from Vanity Fair about Tiger Woods' tango with a tampon. The tampon in question belonged to Mindy Lawton who just had to pose with a cherry in her mouth. This bitch.

Mindy, who has always been my favorite member of Tiger Woods' pack of whores, tells Vanity Fair that she first met him while serving tables at Perkin's. Even though Tiger only tipped Mindy 15% every time he came in, she still accepted his invitation when he asked her out. They ended up consummating their new love on his kitchen floor. Mindy went on to say that over the next few months, Tiger would say "jump" and she would spread her legs. Tiger wanted to fuck all the damn time no matter what obstacles got in his way. And by "obstacles," I mean Mindy's used tampon:

Another time, he insisted on meeting her right before a big golf tourney in 2007. “He wanted that last piece of booty before he could go to his tournament. To make him shoot better,” she said.

They met in a parking lot. She said she told him she was having her period and asked if they could avoid intercourse. But Tiger would not be denied, Lawton said. She said they started going at it next to the golfer’s Cadillac SUV. “He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed up against his Escalade,” she said. “He did it from the back.”

MINDY! How could she let a bitch who only tips her 15% stir her crotchberry jam without a condom?! If I had any respect for Mindy, I would've tossed it into the compost pile after reading that mess. And it gets worse....

After they left, Lawton claims, reporters from The National Enquirer, who had been following her, picked up the tampon she had dropped in the parking lot, and later threatened to use it as part of a story exposing Woods’s infidelity. When the tabloid contacted one of Lawton’s relatives, Lawton texted Tiger in a panic, and he put her in touch with Mark Steinberg. “That’s when their brush-under-the-rug, the cover-up, happened,” Lawton says, referring to a deal that the Enquirer allegedly made with Tiger’s handlers to hold the adultery story in exchange for Woods’s giving an exclusive interview to its sister publication Men’s Fitness. (A spokesperson for The National Enquirer denies that the paper held the Lawton story in exchange for an exclusive on Tiger.)

So the next time you start feeling hate for your job, just think about the poor bitch whose job it is to pick up used tampons in parking lots.

If you want to read a few more stories from Vanity Fair's special "Whores Tell All" issue, click here.

Jesse James' alleged fourth side-piece has decided to take a seat in the audience instead of performing in Vanilla Gorilla's Circus of Whores.

The ho in question, who has been described as a model and business woman, hired Gloria Allred to represent her in case she decided to go public with her story. Gloria said that mistress whore #4 (that really should be the name of fragrance) has hundreds of text messages and pictures proving that she mashed Vanilla Gorilla's banana for more than three years.

But now none of us will see these so-called text messages, but she has slipped back into her cleavage and won't share anytime soon. Gloria tells Radar today, “The woman has decided she will not tell her story.”

I think it's safe to assume that Vanilla Gorilla sealed her lips with a PayPal kiss. Gloria Allred is seriously a master at the whore game. Her client gets to finally make a down payment on that townhouse in the Valley she's been eyeing, and she gets to do it without being thrown into the same skank pile as Boobshit McGee.

And here we have an extremely disappointing picture of Vanilla Gorilla's Nazi mistress Bombshell McGee worshiping at the altar of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt (as worn by one of her friends). The picture is courtesy of TMZ who claims Vanilla Gorilla left the t-shirt behind in a hotel room after bumping swastikas with Boobshit. Yeah, more like the t-shirt left his ass, because we all know the three wolves favorite movie is Practical Magic. It says so on their Match.com ad.

This picture is disappointing, because the three wolves were that close to Boobshit's face and they didn't maul her! While I understand that their main priority is moon howling, they could've taken a few seconds off to bite at Boobshit's face. Not only that, but they were also close to Vanilla Gorilla's nut bag and they didn't bite at that either! You just gotta shake your head at them. They have let us all down. Are they really made of magic? Sigh.

Jesse James' side-ho Bombshit McGee has attacked all the shit talkers hiding behind a keyboard by throwing shit at us while hiding behind a keyboard. Okay. Even playing field. Bombshit wrote this on her Twitter and Facebook accounts:

"For all you internet warriors on here talking shit...it's easy to place judgement when your sitting behind a keyboard. Get off your God dam high horse, your shit don't smell like roses either. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone...in other words FUCK YOU"

It's nice to know that she goes to bible study in between choreographing a striptease to "Die Fahne Hoch" and shaving her pubic hair in the shape of Hitler's stache. Now I haven't read one word in the Bible for at least a million years, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Jesus ever said, "in other words FUCK YOU." If I remember correctly what he really said was, "in other words FUCK YE, BITCHES." Git it right, Boobshit!

via HuffPo