Try The Jello

Catherine Zeta-Jones' rep said in a statement to everyone last night that she has gone off to a mental health treatment facility for a little bipolar disorder maintenance. CZJ has been open about her bipolar II disorder and in 2011 she went off to a rehab facility for 30 days, because she was about lose it. ("Thee, I thold you all women are moody!" - mood expert Drew Barrymore) CZJ's rep Cece Yorke (that's a hot name) released this statement of words to the media:

"Catherine has proactively checked into a health care facility. Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her health in an optimum manner."

A friends of CZJ's tells People that she didn't have a breakdown or anything. CJZ's 30-day rehab stay was already planned and she's there so that doctors can monitor her medication. The friend went on to say, "This was just a good time to do it. She is in between projects. This has always been part of the plan. She would manage her health. She is vigilant about it."

Let's say CZJ checked in over the weekend, that means she'll be out at the end of May. Behind the Candelabra airs on May 26th on HBO. I see what CZJ is really doing. CZJ is just trying to avoid the images of a Liberace wig slowly falling off of Michael Douglas' head as he pounds Matt Damon from behind. I don't blame her.

Here's CZJ and Michael Douglas at the 40th Annual Chaplin Award Gala in NYC last week.

Seen above doing an impersonation of Jackie Stallone looking at the stars or Homer Simpson trying to bite at a donut on a string, Clint Eastwood's wife Dina Eastwood has checked into a rehab facility in Arizona to deal a severe case of the sads and a severe case of the worries. This is just further proof that doing a reality show will screw with your brains and emotions.

TMZ says that the star of E!'s Mrs. Eastwood & Company is in rehab to get treated for depression and anxiety, and she doesn't have any issues with drugs or booze. Clint's rep had nothing to say about this.

Clint's rep doesn't need to say anything, because everyone knows what's really going on. Walking in on Clint canoodling, humping and having intimate conversations with his empty chair finally drove Dina Eastwood to the edge. It's hard enough dealing with the wooden whore who is ruining your marriage, but it's extra hard when you have to sit on that wooden whore to eat dinner at the table every night.

Here's Clint and Dina at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Gala in 2009.

Out of all the cast members from Glee, I'd figure that Lea Michele would be the one to announce that she's checking herself into rehab on a Sunday night since she's always high on herself. But no, Lea's real-life and TV boyfriend Cory Monteith checked into rehab and last night he released a statement through his rep to People saying that he needs to press pause on everything else and deal with a substance addiction right now.

"Cory Monteith has voluntarily admitted himself into a treatment facility for substance addiction. He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery."

30-year-old Cory (I know, I didn't know he was 30 either. He's the Gabrielle Carteris of Glee) first went to rehab when he was 19 after his family staged an intervention. Cory said before that he was addicted to booze and pretty much snorted and smoked everything else. When Cory got out of rehab the first time, he went straight back to the bottle and kept drinking until he got caught stealing a bunch of money from a relative. That was the bottom under Cory's rock bottom and after that, he cleaned up, got a job as a roofer, took acting classes and now he's on Glee.

A quick minute after Cory released his statement, Lea released her own, "I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this. I am grateful and proud he made this decision."

And I don't know if Cory's going to feel weird or relieved when he's in rehab and realizes that not everybody around him is suddenly breaking into song and changing costumes. It's probably going to make him feel weird. This is why we need all-singing rehab.

Kelly Osbourne is laid up in the hospital today after she had a seizure on the set of E!'s Fashion Police. TMZ says that everything was going fine during taping until Kelly told Melissa Rivers, who was filling in for Giuliana Rancic, that was she wasn't feeling too good. Kelly then slipped off her chair and had a seizure on the floor. Melissa turned Kelly's head and a member of the audience, who's a medical professional type, jumped in to help.

Kelly's seizure eventually stopped and she seemed okay, but her people insisted that she go to the hospital. An ambulance showed up, they put her on a stretcher, threw a white sheet over her to block her face from the paps and shuffled her off to the hospital.

Joan Rivers later told TMZ that she just saw Kelly in the hospital and she's doing fine. It's not known why Kelly had a seizure. A source tells UsWeekly that she's speaking to doctors and they're running test. To which I say to the source, fucking duh! What else are they supposed to do in a hospital? Give you a mani-pedi and let you pet baby bunnies? (Truth talk: They really should give you a mani-pei and let you pet baby bunnies in the hospital.)

And no, I'm not going to dip into Twitter to see what the Little Monsters are saying about this. Not today.

UPDATE: Kelly's rep tells her bosses at E! that she didn't have a seizure, she fainted. So is Kelly's rep trying to cover something up or does a ho on the Fashion Police set not know the difference between a seizure and a fainting spell? Story developing (not really).

Dancing around for two hours a night in ankle-killing, 12 inch heels made of recycled dildos caught up with Lady CaCa and it put her ass in a hospital bed. Gaga was forced to cancel three dates on her Born This Way Ball tour on Tuesday, because she said she was hit with a condition called synovitis and can't even walk let alone pop her tuck next to fake butchered meat. Gaga got a few more tests on her hip this morning and learned that she needs surgery, so the rest of her tour has been put in the meat grinder. She was supposed to close her tour on March 20th in Tulsa. Live Nation put out this statement:

Live Nation Global Touring has confirmed that the remainder of the Lady Gaga Born This Way Ball performances have been cancelled. After additional tests this morning to review the severity of the issue, it has been determined that Lady Gaga has a labral tear of the right hip caused by strenuous repetitive movements in her performances. She will need surgery to repair the problem, followed by strict down time to recover. This unfortunately, will force her to cancel the tour, so she can heal. Refunds for the cancelled performances will be available at point of purchase starting Feb 14, 2013.

If you're like me and read "labral" as "labia," then you probably spent a good 30 seconds picturing a torn pussy lip on Lady Gaga's hip.

Gaga should let the doctors do hip surgery on her on stage while she performs. And then for the rest of her tour she can perform from a bedazzled hospital bed and sing into an IV stand microphone while back-up dancers dressed like slutty orderlies twirl around her. I'm actually surprised that she's not doing that. And somebody tell Madonna she can pull the pin out of her Lady Gaga voodoo doll now. Her black magic worked.

Warning: If you don't want to have a seizure and if you care about your ear holes, don't put your mouse tip over the play button. Now that we've gotten that warning out of the way, at around the 1:13 mark, Marilyn Manson stops singing "Beautiful People," drops and barfs out whatever was in his stomach bag (homemade absinthe, Lucifer's jizz and maple syrup-flavored coke... well, he was in Canada) before trying to go on with the song. Some of Marilyn's fans who were standing in the back couldn't see what was happening on stage and the sound of him yacking sounded better than his usual singing voice, so they knew something was up. The band kept playing before they realized that it wasn't part of the act. EMTs came on stage and took the sick antichrist off the stage.

Marilyn later told TMZ that when he got to Saskatoon yesterday, he had the sicks in a bad way, but didn't want to cancel the show. When he got on stage, it hit him harder and that's when the barfs came. Marilyn skipped the hospital and went to his hotel room to rest instead. His Canadian tour will go on and he plays Calgary tomorrow.

The flu really isn't here to mess around. Marilyn Manson gives a human sacrifice (or an Emily the Strange doll from Hot Topic, he's not picky about his sacrifices) to his creator the devil every week and the flu still screws with him.

I had no idea who Ray Elbe was up until five seconds ago, but I can't resist a good dick story, even a good dick story that ends in tragedy. Ryan Elbe is an MMA fighter and he's probably had his peen kicked hundreds of times, but not once has a fight ended with his dick being thrown onto a tiny stretcher and rushed to the penis hospital (Side note: If a penis hospital exists, point me to it so I can apply for the position of wet nurse.). But out of the fighting ring proved to be a much more dangerous place for his dick. In the video confessional below, Ray says that earlier this month in Malaysia, his girlfriend was riding him something good when she bounced too high and came down hard and broke his boner. So that's why earlier this month it felt like my no-no made a frown face. It sensed a boner breaking in Malaysia.

Ray says that blood started squirting everywhere. Now if this happened to a veteran man whore like Gerard Butler, he would've put a makeshift splint on his peen and kept on a' fuckin'. But Ray passed the hell out. Health care workers showed up to his condo in Malaysia and immediately took him to the hospital where his peen underwent surgery to repair a tear in his urinary tube. Ray says that the pain in his dick was so bad that he now knows what dudes go through when they wet hump on Paris Hilton without wearing a condom made of armor. Ray's peen is going to make a full recovery, but they did hook him up to a catheter and he has to swallow anti-erection pills for a little while. Somebody should tell Ray that a holistic way of keeping his dick soft is to watch this video three times a day.

Ray also said that his girlfriend's days of riding him are over and to make up for breaking his dick, she's going to give him a threesome with a lady of his choice when they get to the Philippines (insert eye roll here). Ray said that he only came forward, because apparently this happens a lot and sometimes dudes don't go to the emergency room for it:

“I came forward with, because I really want people to understand the significance of the emergency. As I Googled this online, a lot of guys actually get to the point where there is no repair because they’re embarrassed and don’t go to the emergency room right away.”

The lesson here is that dick riding isn't for amateurs. It takes skill on both parts and you have to synchronize your thrusts and bounces perfectly. One false move and you could end up with a bruised coochie and/or a piece with an out-of-service peen. And there's nothing sadder than an out-of-service peen. Seriously, what are you supposed to do with an out-of-service peen? Feed it Jell-O and watch Lifetime movies with it? Actually, that sounds strangely adorable.

Here's Ray Elbe talking about his peen trauma:

via TMZ

Ian McKellen tells The Daily Mirror (via NYDN) that seven years ago his doctor told him he has prostate cancer, but there's no reason to do the slow wall slide while bawling with your mouth wide open, because the cancer is just sitting on his prostate and not going anywhere. It's kind of hard for Ian's prostate cancer to move when it has most of humanity screaming at it, "DON'T. YOU. FUCKING. MOVE. IAN MCKELLEN IS AN INTERNATIONAL TREASURE. STOP. DON'T. YOU DIDN'T ASK 'MOTHER, MAY I?' YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!" Ian shrugged while saying this about having prostate cancer:

“You do gulp when you hear the news. It’s like when you go for an HIV test, you go ‘Arghhh is this the end of the road? They come and say you have cancer of the prostate and then they say you can have it zapped, you can have it snipped but you are not a candidate for that. You are ‘waitful watching.' I have heard of people dying from prostate cancer, and they are the unlucky ones, the people who didn’t know they had got it and it went on the rampage. But at my age if it is diagnosed its not life threatening. I’ve not had any treatment."

I'd offer Ian my prostate, but I'm pretty sure it's unusable and looks like a dehydrated chicken liver that's been beat with a stick too many times. Ian doesn't want it anywhere near his ass. And since Ian's got prostate cancer, I'm going to give him a one-time fug pass for wearing UGGs to JFK the other day. Just like prostate cancer, I hope that Ian's love for wearing UGGS falls into Mount Doom and never comes back again.

The world almost lost Rosie O'Donnell last week and it was all because (not really) she helped a fellow fat lady out of her car last week in a parking lot in Nyack, NY. In one of her signature jacked up haiku-ish type blog posts, Rosie O wrote today that she had a heart attack last week and all of her heart attack woes started when a fat lady in a parking lot asked her to a help a bitch out. The lady couldn't get out of her car and so Rosie grabbed onto her and pulled her out. Rosie's good deed ended with a stent in her heart.

Rosie says that once she got home after helping a ho out, she started to feel the same way Melania Trump feels when Donald asks her to give his taint a tongue bath. Rosie felt vommy and clammy and eventually threw up. Rosie tried to diagnose herself with the help of the Internet and when she Googled "women's heart attack symptoms," the first thing that came up was an article titled: "Did you just stare at gloriously beautiful bikini pictures of the Spanish dandelion that is the Duchess of Alba, because that will make you weak in the heart!"

After Rosie O couldn't really find anything on the Internet, she downed a Bayer and ignored the pain. When Rosie went to her cardiologist the next day, she found out that she had a heart attack.

i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
CALL 911

save urself

Rosie's rep tells People that she is really lucky and is now resting at home.

That gross feeling that feels like slime crawling all over your skin is Donald Trump running his bloated fingers through the pile of deep fried Sasquatch pubes on his head while smugly smiling over this. I bet that fat ho in need WAS Donald Trump in disguise.

And you know, Rosie's story makes me feel so much better about ignoring strangers who ask for my help. Nothing good can come from helping strangers.

Mayim Bialik was driving in her white Volvo past the intersection of Hollywood Blvd. and La Brea around noon today when a car full of tourists from Chile hit the shit out of her. Mayim was alone and banged up in a bad way. Witnesses tell TMZ that there was blood everywhere and that paramedics immediately took Mayim to the hospital, because one of her fingers was just dangling off of her hand. Yes, that image just turned my whoas into nooooooooo-as.

Mayim also has other injuries on her hand and she's currently being treated at the nearest hospital, and I really hope Six LeMeure shows up with Blossom's favorite sunflower hat. I also hope that Mayim doesn't lose her finger and if she loses her finger I hope it's not a middle one, because she's going to need both middle fingers to double flip off those Chilean bitches who ran into her.

And while she's laid up in the hospital, Blossom should take her medicine. This will make her feel better.

Or not.

UPDATE: The prayer circle worked! Blossom is not losing a finger. All is right in the world again and now she can use all her fingers to plug her ears whenever that Joey Lawrence song starts playing somewhere.