Try The Jello

Have your nips been feeling a little heavier than usual today (SAY YES)? Pull down the Lycra tube top you wore to work and take a good look at them. Don't worry, your co-workers are used to your end of the day choreographed nip slips by now. Doesn't your nip slit look like it's making a frown? There's a good reason reason. It's because the glorious goddess moon they howl at every night while you're passed out is back in her sick bed! Again.

Aretha Franklin's rep tells HuffPo that she has canceled everything from now until May. No shows, no appearances, no ribbon cutting at the Totino's factory, nothing. Doctor's orders! Here is the statement from her publicist:

"Aretha Franklin is resting comfortably at home, but is anxious to get back on the road to perform for her countless fans around the world. Her doctors have required her to cancel all appearances."

Aretha has been in and out of the hospital ever since she slipped in the tub back in August. Aretha was also punched in the soul by another black cloud after her son was jumped at a gas station in Detroit.

Nurse yourself back to full health, Aretha, because the fate of everyone's nipples lies on your chichis. Your healthy chichis that is!

It is not the year for Zsa Zsa Gabor and her husband Prince Von Anhalt. While Zsa Zsa rested on her pink satin princess bed under the crystal chandelier that only sparkles for her, P-Vo was sunning his schnitzel by the pool. But his moment of relaxation was cut short by the rudest and whoriest bee in Beverly Hills. TMZ says that a bee flew into his mouth and did ass-to-froat with him without asking. The bee stung him right in the goddamn throat!

Before Prince Von knew it, he was turning blue and his throat started to swell up. He was shuffled off to the emergency room and admitted into the hospital. Apparently, he's been there since Wednesday.

Bees always remind me of my abuelita who really is their greatest arch rival. When I was little, she would spend hours in the backyard trying to catch bees with her bare hands. Imagine if you were a bee and got caught by an old lady hand? Embarrassing! So when she'd get her hand on a bee, she'd sting herself in the leg with it. It soothed her arthritis or some shit. I don't know. It was probably the secret to how she found the strength to wield a mighty chankla around. That's it.

And at least Prince Von Anhalt can tell people he now knows what it feels like to give Gerard Slutler a beej without lining his froat with a female condom first.

Contrary to what we learned in science class, Jean-Claude Van Damme's heart is not an unstoppable organ made of cyborg parts and bullets covered in the blood of his enemies. Sadly, Jean-Claude's heart karate kicked itself and he suffered a minor heart attack while working on the set of his new movie in New Orleans. Somewhere, a call girl's labia is waiting for someone to snort a line off of it and he's not coming...

The NYDN reports that filming on the movie has been put on pause while Jean-Claude's heart gets back into ass kicking condition. JC was briefly hospitalized in New Orleans before going back to Belgium to fully recover. His rep says that he's doing okay.

And there has to be a Chuck Norris fact hiding somewhere in this story.

It's been a shit few weeks for Aretha Franklin. Last month, she was forced to cancel a few concert dates after she busted her ass in the bath tub and needed some time to get herself together. Just when she was starting to get "that feeling" back, this happens. Aretha's 52-year-old son Eddie is on a surgeon's table today after three evil doers attacked and viciously beat him at a gas station in Detroit last night.

Aretha's rep tells USA Today that Eddie was pumping gas when two men and one woman approached him and severely beat him. One of Eddie's friends was inside the gas station during the beating and found him on the ground. She drove him to the hospital and then later went to the police station to file a report. Eddie's injuries were so bad that they required surgery.

The Detroit PD is investigating the attack, but so far they haven't released details about motive, etc...

Those chain of fools have no respect and will soon lose their freedom for this!! Sorry, it was either that lame joke or write about how Aretha's magnificent chichis will save the day. Good thoughts to Eddie and Aretha.

Chyna, a 2008 graduate of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, has fallen off the wagon hard again. Just when Chyna starts to climb into the back of the wagon, the driver hits the gas and off she goes. TMZ reports that Chyna went way overboard with the booze and is now being treated for alcohol poisoning at UCLA Medical Center. Apparently, Chyna was rushed to the hospital earlier this morning and her condition isn't known right now.

I'll add updates as soon as they come in. In the meantime, somebody grab Shelly by her glasses and tell her to get over to UCLA now.

UPDATE: That was quick. A source tells TMZ that Chyna didn't guzzle the sweet nectar like The Hoff with cotton mouth. Apparently, Chyna had trouble sleeping last night so she took some Benadryl. And by "some" I mean she swallowed 4 or 5 times the recommended amount. When Chyna woke up this morning, she got the barfs and couldn't walk by herself. She's getting fluids right now and will probably be released from the ER today.

Sad news, especially for those of you who get your weekly serving of half-naked man meat from Starz's Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Spartacus himself is not coming back to the show, because the cancer that was in remission has come back. Andy Whitfeld has been forced to put away his leather loincloth while he undergoes serious treatment. Andy was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma this past March. Andy released this statement to People:

It's with a deep sense of disappointment that I must step aside from such an exceptional project as Spartacus and all the wonderful people involved. It seems that it is time for myself and my family to embark on another extraordinary journey."

Starz issued their own statement and said their thoughts are with Andy and his family. They haven't made any decisions about the role of Spartacus just yet, but they are going to go on with season 2.

The only time I watched Spartacus was when I was channel surfing and landed on a scene that was filled with man nipple, sweat and leather. It was like a Tommy Girl wet dream without Tommy Girl. Perfect. Get better, Andy.

This sad news might require a temporary pick-me up for some of you, so here you go:

We all need a pussy massage, but tell him to watch the claws.

Sheyla Hershey has lost her title as the woman with the world's largest implants for what some may say is a really good reason. If she didn't remove the XXXXXXXL Hefty bags filled with tit jelly from her chest, she would've had a new title: THE CORPSE WITH THE WORLD'S LARGEST IMPLANTS. So Sheyla had no choice but to stop the madness and remove the plastic Kirstie Alleys from her chest.

This past June, Sheyla traveled to Brazil to get a pair of 38Ms shoved into her chest area with the help of a dozen Sumo wrestlers, a monster bull dozer and the Christ the Redeemer statute. Almost immediately after Sheyla got two Elephant Man heads installed into her chest, she started having complications. Sheyla developed staph and strep infections that almost snatched away her last bref! Sheyla tried to save them for a couple of months, but she finally gave in when doctors told her that she would die if she didn't have them removed.

When doctors went into remove Sheyla's twin clouds of silicone dreams, they found that most of her breast tissue was too damaged to save. They also said that Sheyla isn't in the clear just yet. Even though she's on the strongest kind of antibiotics and uses a vacuum to suck the infection out of her body ("Sexy" - a horny shrimp), the bacteria in her body still hasn't cultured out.

Sheyla says that once the inside of her chest no longer looks like something out of Mad Max, she'll consider getting implants that won't flatten her lungs or cause her spine to wonder if there's a real God, "I know it's going to be a lot of pain on me because I love to have them, but I realize that my family comes first and I love my daughter and son and they come first. Even though I love to have huge breasts, I don't know why, I just addicted to it; I'm going to try to live without it. Hopefully I will be done then and be happy and just running around with my kids! Just have my back life, my life back!"

If you have a pair of plastic titty sacks in her chest, make sure to cry a single silicone tear out of your nipple for Sheyla's major loss. But I understand. I guess not having enough silicone in your chest to make two Heidi Montags is more important than having "DEATH BY TITTIES" written on your tombstone. I had to think that about that one for a second.

Here's the report from MyFox Houston of Sheyla's journey:

via Fark

A Rolls Royce ambulance was once again summoned to Zsa Zsa Gabor's palatial Bel Air mansion this morning after her husband Prince von Anhalt found her "unresponsive." A rep for the most glamorous woman to ever sashay across this land (next to Shauna Sand, of course) tells KTLA that she is currently being treated at UCLA Medical Center. Zsa Zsa has been in-and-out of the hospital for the past few weeks following hip replacement surgery.

A source tells TMZ that Zsa Zsa's staff shouldn't order the custom coffin made out of mother of pearl, velvet and rhinestones just yet. Thankfully, the source says that Zsa Zsa's condition is not life-threatening. They said that the ambulance taking her to the hospital did not have their emergency lights on. They also said that she complained of body aches and flu-like symptoms.

Even if Zsa Zsa's life is not danger, you should still put on your finest joo-ree before putting your hands together to say a prayer for her. Those of us who don't have diamonds, can make our own out of Saran Wrap and aluminum foil. You have to have some sparkly shit on your hands or your prayers for Zsa Zsa won't work!

With the news that the world might lose the glamorous being in the world, and now this, Dlisted is quickly turning into SaDlisted. Adjust the number of whiskey shots in your morning coffee accordingly.

Michael Douglas' rep tells People that doctors found a tumor in his froat and he will go through eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy to make sure that shit doesn't come back. Michael's rep didn't throw the "cancer" word around, but Dr. Nancy Snyderman said on Today this morning that the tumor is most likely malignant since he's being treated with chemotherapy. If Dr. Nancy says this, it must be so. I get all my medical info from Dr. Nancy, Doogie Howser and Nurse Bobbie.

In a 4-word statement, Michael simply said: "I am very optimistic."

I would suggest that Catherine Zeta-Jones should soothe Michael's throat with a soft lullaby, but we've all seen her melodramatic ass sing, so maybe that's not the best idea.

The lustrous rhinestone of Beverly Hills and the sparking sweat bubble of North Carolina were both released from the hospital where they have been seeking treatment for very different reasons. First up is Zsa Zsa! Slap a cop and read on...

Zsa Zsa Gabor was hospitalized almost a month ago after she busted her hip bone while trying to answer the phone during Jeopardy. Zsa Zsa received a new hip and everyone thought it wouldn't be long before she was sipping champagne out of crystal goblets again, but her condition quickly went from "Fabulous, Dahling" to "Shitty, Dahling" (that's really what the doctor wrote on her medical file).

Zsa Zsa's condition has improved enough for her to be sent home. Zsa Zsa's husband, Prince Von A Hole, told the reporters outside of their mansion, "She smiled already and started flirting with the guys who took her home." So that plastic chandelier hanging over your Ikea dining table has a reason to sparkle again!

As for Fantasia, she was stuck in the arm with an IV drip a couple of days ago when she overdosed on Aspirin and sleeping pills. Some say Fanny tried to commit suicide, and others say it was accidental. Fanny's rep only said that she took the pills, because she's been having a hard time dealing with all the media attention surrounding her relationship with a married dude.

Fanny's rep confirmed last night that she was out of the hospital and ready to start promoting her album, "She is more committed than ever to her daughter and her work because they are her heart, her soul and inspiration."

Hopefully while Fanny was slurping on hospital Jello and inhaling the musty scent of her neighbor's bed pan, she came to the realization that offing yourself over married dick is not the way. In trying times like this, Fanny should ask herself, "What would the wise whore Sienna Miller do?*" Well, Sienna Miller would keep sucking that peen while flipping everyone off. Or she'd replace that previously owned wang with a different one. Fill your mouth with new dick (aka nature's anti-depressant), not Aspirins!

*Surgeon General's Warning: Don't ever take advice from Sienna Miller.