Try The Jello

David Beckham's World Cup dreams might not come true this year thanks to an injury he suffered during a match yesterday between AC Milan and Chievo Verona. Becks tore his Achilles tendon and scratched up his Easy Breezy Beautiful Face. Do you think Becks will believe me if I tell him that spreading my no-no-sporin on his cut will kill any possible infection?

Becks' rep says that he's flying to Finland to see a specialist and he's hoping he'll be fully recovered by World Cup. Posh is meeting Becks in Finland, because bitch is not going to let a torn Achilles tendon fuck with her money!

Shortly after the game ended, Becks issued a statement to his fans. Normally, I would tell you to read it in a Minnie Mouse voice. But since he's injured, read it in a "Chipette on helium while squeezing her ass cheeks" voice: "I am upset but want to thank everyone for their messages of support."

By the way, it is not okay for you to take advantage of Becks by Photoshopping yourself hitting him from the back in the picture above. It's not okay, which is exactly why you should do it anyway.

During the final number of her show in Auckland, New Zealand last night, Lady Caca looked like she was ready to free her tuck, slip her dreamin' wig on and go to bed! Lady Caca either:

a) Got weak because her tuck was too tight and it was cutting off the blood supply to the rest of her body.
b) She's really the Alabama Leprechaun and decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day early by sniffing the wrong stuff again.
c) She just finished watching the Telephone video.
d) She was tired and had to go poo.
e) She was doing an impersonation of your drunk ass sitting at the club while trying not to pass out by dancing with only your upper body. That's what we call the "It's Time To Go The Fuck Home" jig.

I'm going to go with e. Obviously.

via ONTD

The last time Gary Coleman went on The Insider, the meanies circled around him on the playground and started to poke at his little ass for allegedly beating on his wife. Gary fought back by throwing a fist full of "fuck offs" at them before stomping off to stew under the jungle gym. Well, for some reason (hint: a check made out to cash) Gary went back to The Insider today to shoot a segment. And just like last time, the segment didn't end with everyone laughing over some milk 'n cooooookies.

The L.A. Times says that Gary suffered a seizure in the middle of filming. Thankfully for Gary, Dr. Drew was on set and took care of him before the paramedics arrived. If Dr. Drew wasn't there, Gary would be in danger girl, because useless ass Lara Spencer can't do shit unless she reads it off a teleprompter. Seriously, Lara has teleprompters all over her house that say: Take A Shit.

This Gary's second seizure in two months. Gary suffers from a congenital kidney disease, but he doesn't like to talk about it. Gary is now in the hospital in stable condition.

Remember that very special episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Karen the street performer (I think she was a clown or a mime) had a seizure in front of Arnold and his friend. Then later when Arnold and his friend started making jokes about Karen's seizure, Pearl told them to shut the hell up because she suffered from seizures too. Arnold felt bad, but learned a life lesson: when making fun of a person's condition, make sure nobody else in the room suffers from that same condition.

This really has nothing to do with this story, but every time I read "Gary Coleman had a seizure" I think of that episode and how it freaked me out/fascinated my ass a kid.

Oh, and Gary stop going on The Insider! They are bad for your health (and vice versa, I think).

Chynna Phillips, one third of Wilson Phillips and Billy Baldwin's wife, checked herself into rehab over the weekend for anxiety. Chynna's manager is Lizzie Grubman so she could've taken a page out of her book and drove her SUV into a crowd of hos to deal with her anxiety, but she decided to get some help instead. Lizzie issued this statement (which smells like burnt skin and yellow nails):

"After much thoughtful deliberation Chynna Phillips has checked herself into an undisclosed treatment facility for anxiety. With the full support of her family and friends, she is looking forward to her recovery. We ask that people respect her and her family's privacy at this time."

This isn't all that surprising because when I first read about Chynna's father Flowers-in-the-Attic-ing Mackenzie Phillips, I wanted to eat a Xanax. So I'm sure it really fucked with Chynna's nerves. Hoooold on for one more day, Chynna, and get into this:

Nothing soothes my nerves like an early 90s ballad.

PAGING DR. DREW! Jeff Conaway, Kenickie from Grease and most recently one of the patients on Celebrity Rehab, is in the hospital after he tumbled down the stairs at his home yesterday morning. And it sounds like this was a major fall, because Jeff is in a bad way. TMZ reports that Jeff suffered a broken hip, a broken arm, a fractured neck and a brain hemorrhage.

Jeff's enabler of a girlfriend Vicki Lizzi, who would spit in a puppy's eye if it looked at her the wrong way, told TMZ that his broken hip will be operated on shortly. But Vicki doesn't know how Jeff fell (she pushed him). Vicki really has no idea how Jeff ended up at the bottom of the stairs (she pushed him). Vicki was in the other room when she heard him fall (she pushed him). Vicki thinks Talking Tina might have something to do with this (she pushed him).

Dennis Hopper filed for divorce from his wife of 14 years Victoria Hopper yesterday. Victoria is Dennis' fifth wife and they have a 6-year-old kid together. This would seem like your normal "We Hate Each Other Now" divorce story, but according to several reports, Dennis is laid up in a hospital and he isn't doing at all. Dennis was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few months ago, and a few sources say he's in his last days.

One of Dennis' friends tells the Huffington Post that he isn't there mentally due to the massive amounts of meds they have him on. But Dennis found a way to drop the big D on Victoria, because he wants to keep her hands off of his money. Dennis' friend went on to say, "It's truly a tragedy, and sadly its all about the money and who inherits what. This is about getting Victoria out of the will, nothing more, nothing less."

I get all my legal advice from Craigslist, so I'm sure I have no idea what I'm farting about (as usual). But wouldn't it be easier if a lawyer-type just took a Sharpie to Victoria's name on Dennis' will and added the note "bitch don't get shit"?

Lady CaCa had to pull out of a show at Purdue University last night, because she had the sicks in a serious way. Just a few minutes before she was supposed to take the stage, the audience was told that they were not going to get their dose of CaCa that night. Thousands of sad scat lovers had to go home empty-handed.

According to CaCa's Tweets (via ONTD), she was told by the paramedics that her heart was doing weird shit, because she was tired and thirstay. And even though she was suffering from dehydration and exhaustion, CaCa still managed to drink ten jugs of water just so she could produce enough tears to cry cry cry for her fans. CaCa cares:

I've been crying for hours, I feel like I let my fans down 2nite. An hour before the show, I was feeling dizzy and having trouble breathing
about 10 hours ago from web

Paramedics came to take care of me, and told me my heart-rate was irregular-- a result of exhaustion and dehydration.
about 10 hours ago from web

can't apologize enough for how sorry I am. I could hear my fans cheering from my dressing room, I begged everyone to let me go onstage.
about 10 hours ago from web

My stage has complicated mechanical elements,everyone was concerned I'd be in danger during the 2hr show, since I had passed out earlier.
about 10 hours ago from web

I am so devastated. I have performed with the flu, a cold, strep throat: I would never cancel a show just based on discomfort.
about 10 hours ago from web

I hope you can forgive me. I love my little monsters more than anything, you are everything to me. I will make-up the performance on Jan 26.
about 10 hours ago from web

MeThinks CaCa is just taking the bullet for her hermie peen. The truth is, her peen was coughing up phlegm, because it has Balanitis. It just couldn't spend another night holding its breath while tucked into her dark, sweaty, dingle-y ass cheeks. It'll be as good as new as soon as it gets an OxiClean sponge bath and spends a few hours soaking in a bowl of Skin-So-Soft.

I know Afternoon Crumbs usually goes here, but I'm interrupting the order of things to bring you the sad news that Rue McClanhan, my personal favorite TV tramp, is laid up in a nursing facility after she suffered a stroke. Rue's rep said that she underwent triple bypass surgery back in November and had a minor stroke while she was recovering in the hospital.

Rue's husband told Broadway World that she was in ICU for two weeks, but has been moved to a different facility where she's receiving rehabilitation, "She can understand what you are saying in conversation, but still has some trouble speaking. Her speech is slower than it once was and she hasn't completely recovered on the right side of her body. She's going to require a lot more physical and speech therapy - but at least it's not like I stay awake at nights any more thinking that Rue is going to die."

Rue's rep said that if all goes well, she will be back at home in two weeks.

Everyone get into your nightgowns and meet me at the kitchen table. You bring the cheesecake, and I'll bring the hooch.

Dexter's Michael C. Hall delivered some sad face news today. Michael announced that he has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. Michael said he was fortunate enough to be diagnosed with a "treatable and curable" condition. He's almost finished with treatment and said the cancer is in remission. He plans to continue to undergo treatment.

Michael's rep also said that he's not going to let that shit fuck with his life and he will attend the Golden Globes this Sunday with his wife/on-screen sister Jennifer Carpenter. Michael is up for Best Actor in a Drama.

Here's hoping that Michael pulls a Dexter and murders that cancer.

via People

Howard Stern's sidekick Artie Lange was hospitalized over the weekend for "undisclosed reasons." Due to his history, many thought Artie might have went a little overboard with the bad shit. But according to Page Six Artie stabbed himself 9 times in a suicide attempt.

A source close Artie's manager said that his mother found him in his Hoboken, NJ apartment on Saturday morning. Artie was rushed to the hospital and the doctors managed to stitch him up. Artie is still recovering in the hospital.

The source added that Artie suffered six "hesitation wounds" and three deep cuts.

And if you've got love in your heart for Artie, do not even stick your toe into Eric the Midget's Twitter page.