ANTM Crap

(Read this entire post in Robert Stack's voice if you need some added dramatic intrigue in your life this morning.) Tyra Banks owes everybody who sat through endless hours of America's Next Top Model Not-At-All-Stars a refund for explaining absolutely nothing in that slow-motion car crash of a finale. It was down to Angelea, the 716 beauty who was my personal favorite (because she works in a bank which makes her professional), Allison, the albino meerkat and Lisa who was probably the inspiration for the character of Kit De Luca in Pretty Woman.

The episode went through the usual motions. They had a CoverGirl photo shoot where Allison looked like Jessica Alba seeing for the first time (yes, I sat through The Eye and I'm not proud of it). Then they had the final runway show in Greece which had the production values of the Miss Eternia beauty pageant I held on my garage floor when I was a kid (Catra won every time). At this point, they were supposed to cut to the judging panel in Greece and show us who won that shit. That didn't happen. Instead, we were back in L.A. and Nigel explained that Angelea was disqualified, so they had to choose a winner between Lisa and Allison. Lisa (the 45-year-old Mob Wives reject on the left) won the CoverGrandma contract and the spread in Vogue Abuelita. The CW issued this statement shortly after the mess of a finale aired:

"After production wrapped on the current cycle of America's Next Top Model, we learned information that made Angelea ineligible and she was subsequently disqualified from the competition. As a result, new scenes were filmed to address this for the audience during the finale."

It's obvious that Angelea won and due to reasons unknown (MYSTERY!!!), her crown was snatched away and given to the runner-up. There's rumors on Twitter that Angelea violated the show's rules by bragging about her victory on Facebook shortly after the season started airing. But Rich at FourFour, my sage when it comes to all things Top Model, thinks something in the milk ain't clean. There's no evidence that Angela leaked the final 3 and he thinks if that was the case, Tyra would've humiliated that bitch on camera for ratings. I don't know what to believe. But I do believe that Angelea doesn't need that stupid shit. Angelea is going places (one of those places being her pied-à-terre in Port Authority).

Besides, in the insane asylum in Tyra's head, she doesn't see Angelea or Lisa as the winner of America's Next Top Model All-Stars. Tyra sees TYRA as the ultimate All-Star.

Tyra Banks announced which ANTM losers are coming back for America's Next Top Model All-Stars and there's one gigantic GLARING omission in the cast. Tyra forgot all about JADE! Future television scholars studying the season of ANTM All-Stars will ask themselves the same question I'm asking myself now: how the fuck can you assemble a group of all-stars without the all-star of all all-stars JADE?!

Jade, the bi-racial butterfly who lost both America's Next Top Model 6 and America's Next Top Best Friend, fluttered away from our TV screens way too prematurely and I really thought Tyra would bring her back. The cast is alright, but it's sort of like serving cake with no frosting on it. Jade is the frosting! Yes, Jade is the kind of frosting that will stick to the roof of your mouth and give you a bowelache, but she's still frosting!

Jade has already taken to Twitter to say that she turned down ANTM All-Stars, because after she dwelved into and analysticized the contract they wanted her to sign, she realized it was very one-sided. Basically, the producers were not considerating Jade. While I write Tyra a letter, explaining to her how disappointed I am that she's bringing derogatoriness upon Jade, you can dissect the cast:

Cycle 1: Shannon (runner-up)
Cycle 2: Camille (fifth place)
Cycle 4: Brittany (fourth place)
Cycle 5: Bre (third place)
Cycle 5: Lisa (sixth place)
Cycle 9: Bianca (fourth place)
Cycle 10: Dominique (fourth place)
Cycle 11: Isis (10th place)
Cycle 11: Sheena (sixth place)
Cycle 12: Allison (runner-up)
Cycle 13: Laura (runner-up)
Cycle 14: Angelea (fourth place)
Cycle 15: Kayla (fourth place)
Cycle 16: Alexandria (fourth place)

Oh well, at least we'll forever always have this:

via TVSquad & @RichJuz

This season of America's Next Top JCPenney Newspaper Supplement Model: The Midge Edition is getting the worst ratings in the show's history. So TyTy Banks is shaking things up in order to get hos watching again. Gatecrasher reports that Miss J Alexander has been kicked off of the judge's table and will go back to coaching the girls on the correct way to sashay on the runway.

Joining TyTy and Nigel Barker as head judges will be Kimora Lee Simmons and Vogue's Sultan of Side-Eyes Andre Leon Talley. Kimora was a judge on the first season of ANTM, but she was replaced by Janice Dickinson for whatever reason (aka TyTy fired her).

So, Andre Leon Talley, Kimora Lee Simmons and TyTy will all be sitting together....in the same room....in a row. CODE EGO. The fire department better be on hand at all times just in case these three bump heads. If they do, there will be an explosion of epic proportions and Nigel's sexy ass will find himself trapped in a pile of weaves, paper fans, tarantula lashes and Spanx. And that's just from Andre Leon Talley!

Since Andre is involved in Top Model now, does that mean the winner will get a spread in Vogue Antarctica?

Paulina Porizkova was fired from America's Next Top MySpace Model on her birfday (Happy Birfdays!) and was told she had an ego problem. Paulina, who has never been afraid to get extra cunty, told Billy Bush that Ty Ty Baby is a vainglorious monster! Yeah, in other shocking news, that thing on Ty Ty's head had a previous life as an Afghan Hound.

Paulina told Billy that her main problem was that she would be sitting around, eating her toe nails, waiting for her majesty to show up, “It’s six hours later and I feel like I am being told my time is not as valuable as hers. They pointed out that I should shut up and be grateful for the job and that Tyra is really busy. I think that my little hissy fits about ‘Well, we are all here on time. Why can’t she?’ didn’t go over all that well."

When asked if she thinks Ty Ty just can't stand another vagina on the panel, Paulina said her firing had nothing to do with that, “I don’t think that in Tyra’s universe that’s even a consideration. I don’t think she cares. I’m not even sure she was aware that I existed way out there in Siberia, much like I am not sure she knew Twiggy existed.”

And Paulina said she doesn't even know what kind of person Ty Ty is in real life, because they only talked on camera, “All I know of her is literally when we are on set talking to each other in front of the cameras. That is the only time she would speak to me.”

In Ty Ty's defense, it's impossible for her to do anything off camera. No, it's scientifically impossible. If a camera's not on her, she goes to sleep and a screensaver pops (a picture of her, of course). Ty Ty is powered by the cameras! That's her only energy source! So Paulina shouldn't judge her for that!

Paulina should also sleep with two eyes open and a bottle of make-up remover under her pillow (her only defense against Ty Ty), because bitch is going to get it.

Paulina Porizkova has a new Birfday memory! Every year, she can think back to the birfday where Ty Ty quit her ass! Last night on Craig Ferguson, Paulina said she received a call on her birfday from the America's Next Top Model producers telling her to get all her shit out and sit on the curb, because she was fa-fa-fa-fired! Paulina said, "The reason I was told I was fired was because it seemed that America’s Next Top Model has gotten too fat and they needed to cut some fat and the fat was me. So I figured it was either that or my gigantic huge ego. Which I wasn’t aware of until I was told by the producers that I have an ego problem."

When I read the last part, I had to swallow my coffee really fast, because I knew that shit would come squirting out in a quick millisecond. Cut the fat?! Huge ego?! I'm staring at Ty Ty and laughing with my eyes. That's the pot calling the kettle an egotistical fat ass. Yeah, Paulina was a bitch, but that's how I like 'em. Ty Ty really just can't handle another bitch in the room.

At this point, they shouldn't even bother getting another model to replace Paulina. In fact, they should fire all the judges. All except Ty Ty, of course. They should just get several cardboard cut-outs of Tyrannosaurus Banks and sit them at the judges table. Crazy ass Ty Ty can do all the voices for them. I mean, that's where this shit is headed. Ty Ty can also be all the contestants too. And SPOILER ALERT, she'll win in the end. America's Next Top ME starring Ty Ty.

VIA Entertainment Weekly

Bitches hoping to be on top ended up on the bottom after they were almost trampled to fucking death outside of a casting call in NYC yesterday for the next season of America's Next Top Model. This is the season that Ty Ty is only looking for chicks who are 5'7" and under. They should just stop the casting now. La Pequena has this shit boxed and wrapped!

The New York Daily News reports that the drama started at the break of dawn when girls who had slept in the line overnight found that other whores were trying to cut in on their shit. It got worse when girls found out that if they stepped out of the line they would not be able to get back in. This caused some chicks to piss in cups. Guess this will teach them not to leave home without their GO GIRL!

As hours went by, thousands of people were compressed into each other. The cops arrived to place barricades along the street, but by that time, bitches were straight-up blacking out from not being able to breathe. Again, GO GIRL can also double as an oxygen funnel.

The panic really started when two douchebags, who were fighting for hours, started brawling for real. After the cops broke that shit up, one of the dudes said he was going to come back with a gun. How fucking charming. What a way to spend your Saturday afternoon: suffocating, pissing on yourself and worrying about a loon with a gun. Not only did these little whores need a GO GIRL, but they also needed one of those bullet-proof wigs!

If that wasn't enough, moments later, a BMW with smoke pouring out of it pulled up to the street which caused some dumb whore to yell "BOMB!!!!" That's when the barricade dropped and everyone started running for their lives! That's some Les Miserdumbfuck shit!

After all was said and DUMB, several bitches were treated at the scene, two were taken to the hospital, three were arrested for starting a riot and the casting call was immediately shut down.

Meanwhile, Ty Ty was probably jizzing with her eyes because not only did her greatness (in her head) cause a riot, but she also had the topic for her next talk show!

This shit contains spoilers from last night's America's Next Top Model, so slide down Ty Ty's tenhead to the exit if you don't want to know anything. So....

Every season, without fail, Ty Ty cuts the bitch I feel closest to on episode one. The object of my affection this season is Angelea, the hoodrat from Buffalo. Angelea didn't even make it into the house! But I cherish our time together. I knew we were one of the same when she quoted the profound Jade: "This is not America's Next Top Best Friend." Angelea also told Ty Ty that she wanted to be a model so bad that she slept in Port Authority in NYC, because she had nowhere to go. Bitch should have shouted a "hoody hoo" and I would've come running to bring her to my apartment. She an open invitation here. We can sip on some Zin and 7Up while watching Woo.

Of course, someone had to "pull" at Angelea's buttons, because they were obviously jealous of her skills. That evil bitch Sandra immediately went after Angelea! I'm sort of glad she did, because then I was able to see Angelea doing what she does best: talking shit! After Sandra finally realized who was the head bitch in charge was and backed off, Angelea went off to her photo shoot where she posed as the Goddess of Love. Angelea worked that shoot like the back rent was due and the eviction notice was on the door. Not really, but in my mind she did.

After the shoot, Angelea and her stunning nails went to be depressed together away from that skank Sandra. Angela should have just stared at her nails and that would have put her in a better mood. I'm pretty sure 10 scenes from first episode of The Gummi Bears was painted on her nails. Looking at that will cheer anybody up!

Fuck that Top Model shit! Angelea is going straight to the silver screen. There is a remake of B*A*P*S in the works somewhere that has Angelea's name on it!

And that girl Allison is totally not human. She has to be some kind of alien marmoset or something.

I leave you with the Goddess of Kararararazy serving up a hot plate of roasted ham with all the fixings. If you look closely, you can see ripples in the water. That's the pool giving her the side eye.

Correct me if I'm wrong. Ty Ty obviously has a little lipstick grease on her teefs, so Dani Evans is helping her out by using her tongue as a tissue. Wouldn't a simple "Sloppy bitch! Take your ass to the bathroom!" from Dani be sufficient enough? I don't ever want to touch someone else's teeth.....with my fingers. Other body parts are fine, but not my fingers. I eat with those things (yes, like a barbarian).

Ty Ty and Dani got a little closer at the premiere of Oxygen's ANTM: Obsessed last night in NYC. I wish Ty Ty was obsessed with carrying those little tissue packages with her so we wouldn't have to witness this nastiness. Ty Ty was not even smilin' wit her eyez during this shit. For shame.

Last night's party brought out a bunch of winners and loooooosers from past seasons of ANTM. I have displayed them below for you. Don't they look like a sad case of sad cases? They either look like a tragic hair show victim (see thumbnail #7), a small town tranny (see thumbnail #9), a Real Housewives cast member (see thumbnail #22), an overly botoxed Cowardly Lion (see thumbnail #4) or like they got ready in the employee's bathroom at Arby's after their day shift (see most of the thumbnails).

If you can guess at least 5 of their names than you're still not as pathetic as me, because I got all their names right without looking.