Kate Moss

Here's a beat-looking and weathered down Kate Moss stumbling drunkface first out of The Box in London last night with her husband Count von Count and some friends. Don't let out one laugh, because this will probably be some of us in a few hours (and is probably some of you RIGHT NOW) after Jack Daniels rides a Wild Turkey down our throats a dozen times or so. You know, it's when the nectar of the Gods lulls your head to sleep and your brain tries to pull down your eyelid shades, but you're trying to fight it to keep the party alive. That's your loved ones cue to plop you in a corner, shove a slobber bucket under your neck and then spend the rest of the night trying to throw uncooked cranberries into your wide open passed out mouth. It's a Thanksgiving tradition! But I have a feeling that to Kate Moss' daughter, it's a nightly tradition.

Kate Moss is a seasoned drunk who knows very well that sometimes you can get to a party to find that some rabid disrespectful piles of scab trash have sucked down all the good sweet nectar and have left you to make a cocktail out of melted ice and window cleaner. So Kate always comes prepared just in case disaster should strike, and last night in London she stumbled into the Dazed & Confused (too easy) party at the W Hotel with two human crutches to keep her from spilling her goblet of wine.

Kate was not about to spill one drop. Jodie Marsh could've come by and made the wind barf by flexing, and Kate's hand would've stayed steady and kept the wine in. Pete Doherty could've slithered up from the gutters to make tongue love with Kate's nostrils (how they used to greet each other in the old days) and that glass would stay as stiff as a zombie's dick. Bitch could go through a Wipeout obstacle course and come out with a full glass. Unlike that wrong bitch Kate Winslet in Titanic, Kate Moss is never letting go.

In the glory days, Kate could throw that wine around like nothing, but IN THIS ECONOMY you have to cherish and respect every precious drop. You don't waste that shit. You fight for it, you lie for it, you walk the wire for it, you dieeeee for it.

If you're a crackhead on a budget, stand underneath Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty's window tonight with your mouth wide open, because he will definitely be shedding crack-laced tears of sadness over his true love Kate Moss marrying Jamie Hince of The Kills (aka Count Von Count) this afternoon in Southrop, England after being together for 4 years.

Kate apparently wore a dress made by cartoon villain and Hitler pin-up bitch John Galliano. Yeah, those gold things on Kate's dress are the fanciest Swastikas I've ever seen. Later tonight, they'll all chop the dress into fine powder and snort it up. I don't blame them, because judging by these pictures there are a lot of chirruns at that wedding. Why the hell does Kate have so many little girls dressed up as Midsummer Night's Dream nymphs? This isn't Shakespeare in the Park, bitch!

The guest list apparently includes Kanye West, Naomi Campbell, Anna Wintour, Stella McCartney and a bunch of other fashion people. Yeah, so that reception is going to be a blast. The waiters will serve them empty mirrors and they'll all just snarl at each other while poking at the pastel coke balls in plastic swan cups. Sounds fun!

The details from The Mirror on Kate Moss' secret August 7th wedding to her longtime line cutter Count Von Count are kind of hilarious. My guess is that Kate Moss is their "source" and she got so high on pink champagne bubbles that she passed out onto the cheese fondue fountain and woke up in an empty bath tub the next morning not remembering a damn thing. So she watched A Midsummer Night's Dream, cut her shit with Pixy Stix and then called up The Mirror and used a foreign accent to give them all the details of "Kate Moss' summer wedding to Jamie Hince." And here they are:

The couple, who met in September 2007, chose to wed in a small, picturesque church on the Mediterranean island of Sicily, away from all prying eyes.

With only their closest friends in attendance, and Mossy’s daughter Lila Grace acting as one of three ring bearers, the whole day was relaxed, simple and, for Kate and Jamie, perfect.

“They planned the day for weeks and were so excited. Kate didn’t want a stuffy, formal do, but something spiritual.

“Minutes after tying the knot, the giggling newlyweds were outside the church, dancing under trees.”

Adds the source: “Afterwards locals from the village were milling about, joining in the festivities. It was an incredibly happy day.”

See what I mean. Dancing under the trees?! Who do they think they are? Sookeh in the fairy land? Gay hippies on the right kind of shrooms? Me if the tree's branches were covered with sparkly dildos? There were definitely ecstasy pills in their canapes, or the "source" was eating ecstasy canapes before calling up The Mirror.

With all that being said, YAY for Kate and the man who has promised to hold her hair while she barfs last night's party in the toilet for the rest of his life. And condolences to Dreamboat Doherty who is doing the crackie cry somewhere:

Should've been you, Dreamy! Should've been you!

UPDATE: Will somebody throw an empty bottle at Dreamy's head, because he can stop bawling now. Kate Moss' agent has taken this story, chopped it up, sprinkled it onto a metal spoon and smoked it up! Apparently, the wedding never happened and Kate Moss is not Mrs. Count Von Count.

Leave it to Ty Ty Banks to take a pair of five cent fish nets from the store and wrap that mess around her head as though it was a piece of fine couture crafted from the hands of angel Coco Chanel herself. The Deadliest Catch indeed! No really, Ty Ty straight-up shoved her HD head into a pair of fishnets and cut the ends off. She gave herself a pat on the back for this shit on her Twitter:

So FRENCH VOGUE mask is sum cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y'all. N did my ow hair n makeup.

Note to self: If I ever need a pair of fishnets in Paris, go to the CRAZIEST store. While I do appreciate Ty Ty's MacGyver-like skills, she looks like a Christmas ham to me. The kind of ham that when you peel back the foil, you find that it has already spoiled so you don't even cut the netting off. You immediately take it back to Food 4 Less for a store credit.

Besides, Marilyn Manson did it better:

I mean, how did Ty Ty even eat or drink? Somebody please tell me there's a picture of Ty Ty shoving a slice of steak in between her fishnet holes. Make it work, Ty Ty! Oh wait, that's the wrong show. Drecktitude, Ty Ry, drecktitude!

And here's a few more pictures from Vogue's 90th anniversary party in Paris last night: The First Lady of CRAZY, Jean Paul Gaultier, Jeremy Scott, Dita Von Teese, Zac Posen with Diane von Furstenberg, Marc Jacobs, Gis Bundchen, and the perpetually tanked Kate Moss.

I mean that in more ways than one. Courtney Love is in the mood for spilling the shit on every famous whore her clitoris has terrorized in the past. Courtney Love's sex list is the HUAC Hollywood blacklist of 2010. Run and hide!

Courtney already threw shame on Gavin Rossdale by farting about how she fucked and slimed him while he was with Gwen Stefani. Now Court is dragging Kate Moss from one gutter to the next.

Courtney tells Hot Press about how she got nekkid with Kate Moss back in the 90s. Court said, “It’s a great story for the grandchildren so . . . yeah. Kate wasn’t doing a lot of drugs. It was just a thing that happened in Milan in the ‘90s. It happened and it was fun and whatever. And she talks about it and so I hope she doesn’t get mad that I outed her about it... I feel like such a kiss and tell... Kate’s great, though! Kate’s a good friend of mine. I almost bought Kate’s house in St. John’s Wood (London).”

Correction. It's a great a story to tell the grandchildren if you want them to suffer horrific night terrors which will leave their bed sheets soaked in their own piss.

I love how Court says that Kate wasn't doing a lot of drugs. That means Kate can't even use the excuse that she was higher than a Sunshine Walker when she bumped 'ginas with Court. But this does make me understand Kate a little more.

The moment she put her tongue on Court's minge is when she jumped off the edge and landed face first into a mountain of the bad shit. Ever since then, Kate has been filling her nose with massive amounts of coke in hopes that those granules will find their way to the part of her brain that holds the memory of her nibbling on Court's snatch. Kate isn't trying to get high, she's trying to erase that memory! That reason will hold up in a court of law!

Here's Kate looking as fresh as ever (sarcasm) at the opening of a Topshop in London yesterday.

Kate Moss stumbed out of a friend's house in London early this morning looking like she just got a train ran on her by Johnny Walker, Grey Goose, Bombay Sapphire, Beefeater and Cuervo Gold. Yes, I am officially jealous.

Kate was also wearing a mysterious powder on her pants. Now don't snort to conclusions. The Daily Mail uncovered the mystery. Apparently, Kate's cigarette accidentally barfed up ash all over her pants. That kinky fuck. This makes sense, because there's no way Kate would let that much bad shit go to waste. IN THIS ECONOMY, Kate is not going to be that frivolous. Bitch would roll up her nostrils and snort that mess up.

Kate Moss showed up to a Longchamp event in Paris last night looking like a bottle of Touch Of Gray ejaculated all over her hair. Before we go on, here's a quote from the Touch Of Gray website: "A little gray to show your experience, but not so much that it hides your vitality." So the next time you see a sparkly gray hair in your pube bush, don't pluck it out with a hot tweezer. It's your genitals' way of rewarding you for your slutty behavior. It's like a gold star on your slut report card. Embrace it.

Anyway, the Daily Mail says that Kate's hair isn't exactly gray. Apparently, Kate added pale blue streaks to her hair. One source says the new thing making the kids jizz is having hair that looks like a Smurf scooted on it, "It is the new in thing. Kate dyed her hair blue, but it came up silvery grey on camera. She loves it and thinks it's very fashionable."

It does bring out the "crunked granny with fucked up dentures" look in her face. I'll give her that.

Kate Moss received a very special ring from her boyfriend Count Von Count on her 36th birfday in Mustique. No, he didn't get her an extra-deep coke ring. Kate already has a jooree box full of those. Count Von Count got her a sparkly engagement ring.

A source tells the Daily Mail that Kate had no idea Count Von Count was going to propose. Kate picked out the ring in London and surprised her by flying to Mustique. The source added, "Kate was stunned, Jamie called her up and told her not to come home. He said he was flying out to Mustique. He had carefully picked a ring and chose her birthday to propose. It was the first time they had been alone together in quite a while and it was extremely emotional. Kate and Jamie are in a very good place, they already live together and this is the next step to settling down for good."

The dealers are weeping this morning, because Kate and Pete Doherty were the Princess Di and Prince Charles of their time. A sad day at the crackhouse.

And while Kate was slipping on her new engagement ring, I'm sure Pete Doherty was somewhere scratching the ringworm on his groin. Star-crossed lovers forever.....

Here's a flambeed (Jack and coke glow?) Kate Moss with her maybe fiance at the airport in London yesterday.

While hawking out her new perfume called "Vintage," Kate Moss was asked by WWD what one of her mottos is. Kate replied:

"There are loads. There's 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.' That's one of them."

Why does this trick sound like my mother when I'm about to bite into a delicious glazed donut? Buzz killer.

Obviously, Kate has never eaten anything off the menu from Claim Jumper, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, Chili's, Marie Callender's, Applebees, Coco's, Wafflehouse, Cracker Barrel, El Torito, Old Spaghetti Factory, Panda Express, any State Fair or (insert the name of every restaurant who has fried anything on the menu).

via HuffPo