Obamas

At a fundraiser at the Apollo in Harlem last night, President Obama serenaded the audience with a few musical drops of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" (which is what Fuckery sings to Michele Bachmann every morning while Marcus Bachmann's no-no sings another Al Green classic "Tired of Being Alone" to him). This is one of those times when we should all put our political views to the side (I'm registered as a Lucitetarian, as in Shauna, by the way) and agree that Obama can sing, but none of that really counts because he didn't rub that tree stump at the beginning. Just because he's president and shit doesn't mean he can't follow the rules of the Apollo (aka the rules of life).

I think we can also agree that it's best I don't send this to my mom or even talk to her about it, because I get a little closer to full-on deafness when she uses the words "chonies" and "drop" in the same sentence.

via HuffPo

In the halls of the White House yesterday afternoon, Nivea's "Don't Mess With My Man" blared from Michelle Obama's glamour headquarters as she slathered her face in Vaseline, put on her heaviest rings, stuck razors in her hair and chose the perfect pair of shoes to easily rage out of if need be, because Snagyomangelina Jolie was coming to visit President Obama.

With a boost from Joe Biden (he just happened to be strollin' by), a pap was able to stick their lens over the fence and get pictures of Angie and some hobo hipster visiting Obama in the Oval Office. No, Angie wasn't there to propose a No Tax On Condom Heels Act or Maddox's Ban Beanie Babies Law. Angie was there as a UN Goodwill Ambassador to talk about highly important world issues, durr. And I'm sure Michelle stood in the corner with a "No Hollywood Trick Is Going To Marilyn Monroe Away My Man" smirk on her face.

Click here if these heart-stopping pictures just aren't heart stopping enough for your ass and you need to see them in moving form.

Matt Damon campaigned hard for Obama during the last election, but don't expect to see his ass at an Obama rally this time around, because all love is lost between the two. Matt tells Elle in so many words that he has broken up with Obama, and then he threw a whole lot of ice cold shade at our current president. Here's today's edition of "Movie Stars Talking Politics Talk!":

"I've talked to a lot of people who worked for Obama at the grassroots level. One of them said to me, ‘Never again. I will never be fooled again by a politician...' 

You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better. If the Democrats think that they didn't have a mandate—people are literally without any focus or leadership, just wandering out into the streets to yell right now because they are so pissed off. Imagine if they had a leader."

Fooled by a politician? Who ever said that shit must be new here. It's okay, I too just learned to not put your trust into some politicians. But I learned this while watching an episode of 90210 where Congresswoman Brandy betrayed Silver by leaking that video of Teddy's gay wedding. Yes, I just admitted that I'm one of the only hos who still watch 90210. You can decide whether or not that's more embarrassing than Matt's Christmas vest.

Just like some of us, the First Lady stocks up on life's essentials like lube, wine cubes, Febreze and Pizza Rolls at the caviar to Walmart's gutter fish head known as Target! I'm sure your eyeballs have already graced these pictures when the Lifetime news bureau cut into the rerun of Dance Moms you were watching to bring you this highly important breaking news story, but I'm giving them to you again to show you that I still have an uncanny ability to bring you a story a day late. I've still got it!

As secret service agents in Target employee camouflage tased any bitch in the eye lids who threw a suspicious look at the First Lady, Michelle Obama strolled the aisles of a Target in Alexandria, Va for 30 minutes yesterday afternoon. The only person who recognized Michelle Obama was her cashier......and the Associated Press photographer who said he received a "tip" that she was there. (delivered in my best Pearl from 227 voice) Er herr. A tip. Is that the official code for Bo texting tips to AP photographers in exchange for Snausages?

You know, I'm not mad at Michelle Obama for joining good company by inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame. But I am mad at Michelle Obama for going to Target instead of Walmart. I mean, while inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame, she could've also joined the demure graceful flowers at the People of Walmart Hall of Fame. Missed opportunity!

President Obama's Tour of DOHs through the UK and Ireland made a stop at another DOH last night during a royal banquet at the Queen's house. Obama's first DOH came when his limo "The Beast" broke down in Dublin and his second came when he revealed that he's a time traveler by writing the wrong date in the guest book at Westminster Abbey. And last night, Obama talked over the national anthem, which is a no no and will earn you a slap to the mouth. To put things into perspective, this is the fancy equivalent of talking during your grandma's stories.

On The View this morning, they said that Obama also broke protocol by touching his glass before Her Majesty the Queen touched hers. Buckingham Palace hasn't seen a moment as awkward as this since Prince Charles kissed Princess Diana on the balcony.

Diamond crown or not, the Queen is still a grandma and her natural instincts are to throw an "I got your number, hussy!" look when somebody acts backwards in her presence. Camilla was secretly sighing with relief on the inside, because up until last night she was the only one who was the recipient of one of the Queen's "fire up the guillotine" eyes.

This is why Prince Hot Ginge and I could never be (I know, I'm breaking his heart). I'd fart in those chairs and down that glass in one gulp. You don't ever try to fart in a memaw's house. They can hear it enter the gates before it actually does. You don't know how many times I've sat in a grandma's house and suddenly found her screaming at me, "Take it outside! Take it outside!"

In a room at Buckingham Palace that was modeled after the lobby of The Bellagio resort & casino in Las Vegas, the Obamas shot the shit with Princess William and Duchess Kate who probably smelled like freshly charred skin and disappointed genitals since they just got back from their honeymoon.

While Kate apologized for her lady-in-waiting Jodie Marsh not being present and Prince William demonstrated with his hands why the hos really love Prince Hot Ginge (just let me believe), the butler in the corner looked at Michelle Obama and wondered if all women in America dress like the flower girl in a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (or like a toddler at a quinceanera).

President Obama and Michelle later met up with Queen Elizabeth, her dude, Prince Charles and Camilla. I love that the Queen is totally one of those old ladies who takes her pocketbook with her wherever she goes, even her front porch. Any wise memaw keeps her purse with her at all times, because you never know when a thieving hand (belonging to Fergie) will dip in to snatch a coin.

At last night's White House Correspondents dinner, basic cable reality stars (see: Sarah Palin), actors of The CW (see: Ian Somerhalder) and half-shaven comedic teddy bears (see: Zach Galifnotgoingtogooglerightnow) sprayed their pits with fancy water to nibble on overcooked filet mignon and flambe their creme brulee desserts on the hot flame that shot out of Donald Trump's dehydrated hairy toad asshole when Obama verbally double slapped him in the mouth over and over again. Watching a direct descendant of one of Jaba the Hutt's hemorrhoids sit there with a mad scowl on his face is what would consider as feel good porn. Trump got trumped and I'm sure even the lone sparkle in my rhinestone heart named Melania Trump let out a laugh or two. Melania later told her sugar daddy that she wasn't laughing, she was letting out a Slovenian boo.

As Obama poked at Trump with a LOL stick for that birth certificate ridiculousness, he just sat there with constipated smile on his face and squirmed like Melania whenever he gives her the "it's about that time to fulfill paragraph 5, line 10 of your marriage contract" sex look. I mean, the dumb douche could've let out a fake laugh or two to show that he's sort of a good sport, but he just had himself a pouty party for one instead. I really can't wait to see how the Trump responds. He already used all of his "miserable fat cow" lines on Rosie O'Donnell, so I'm sure he'll just say that Obama tells jokes like a Kenyan.

Click here if you want to see Obama's full act (and click here for Seth Meyers' speech).

And here's a few pictures of who put oxygen masks over their face as Trump got roasted. In order: Salma Hayek with her husband Francois-Henri Pinault, Zach Galifakanakakaisisis, Trump with Melania, Paula Abdul, Shaun White, Joan Rivers, Amy Poehler with friend, Anna Paquin with Beeeehl, Ian Somerhalder, Briston Palin, Jane Lynch with her wife Dr. Lara Embry, Cee-Lo Green, Sarah Palin, Rachel Maddow,

President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a "sideshow circus" and then he did what Diane Sawyer should've done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.

Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I'm sure she'll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we'll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion's ass in Kenya, had to say about this:

"Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true. ... But he should have done it a long time ago."

Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump's natural hairline during a windstorm.

And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I'm talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by "birth certificate" I mean "penis."

via HuffPo

You know that politics give me nipple calluses, so I've been pretty much "whatever" about Donald Trump's need to see President Obama's birth certificate even though we haven't seen Trump's natural complexion or hairline in centuries. However, now I'm feeling the opposite of "whatever" (but I'll go back to feeling "whatever" after this post until Melania speaks again) because Melania Trump, the most glamorous woman named Melania Trump, has spoken out about the birth certificate issue, and guess what?! Melania is siding with the sugar pappy husband who keeps her skin slathered in liquid gold! TWIST!

While peddling her jewelry line for QVC (too. perfect.) on Joy Behar's CNN show, Melania said that her husband has a "genius' mind" and would make an excellent president. Joy then brought up the birth certificate issue and made a few points, but Melania pretty much repeated the same phrase I shout at men I've just met: SHOW IT!!!! Clip below:

I could watch the 2:26 mark on a loop all the way through Easter.

Because Maury was booked for the week, President Obama decided to open the gate and feed the crazy hens on The View this morning. Obama said that he chose to go on The View, because it's one of the shows Michelle actually watches. But I'd like to think that Obama went on The View just to fuck with Hasselcrack.

Obviously, they talked about boring political stuff...blah...blah...blah...but then they got to the highly important news that American is really concerned with. They brought up a cokeyhead and an overcooked Ewok! Obama admitted that he knows Lindsay Lohan is locked up, but he took a page out of Mimi's Lisa Frank notebook when he said he nevah heard of Snooki.

You lieeeeeee! It was just a couple of months ago when Obama brought up Snooki's name during a speech. Yes, obviously one of his speech writers threw her name in there, but even if Obama knows who Snooki is he should never admit it. Never admit to knowing what a Snooki is. Even Willy Wonka turns his head the other way when he passes Snooki in the hallway at his factory.

But seriously, I'm sure Obama and Snooki will laugh about this when he names her Secretary of Fuckery in a couple of years.

via Jezebel