The Mind Is Boggled

The job of an international supermodel and cultural icon of the ho stroll never stops, even when an 80-something woman's Mercedes flips on its side after hitting a parked Range Rover in West Hollywood. I know, I'm trying to, but I can't either...

As firefighters pulled out the woman from her car, Chicken Cutlets put her hand on hip and gave FACE!, BODY!, FACE!, BODY! and FACE!, because RuPaul's "Supermodel" always plays in her head and her body is a slave to the camera clicks. PP's pose game never takes a minute off.

The paparazzi say that while PP was coming out of Chin Chin after having lunch, she witnessed the car crash. (insert your car crash witnessing a car crash jokes here) PP temporarily put her supermodel pose show on pause to talk to the police about what she saw and to hypnotize a tall piece of sweaty hotness with her freckled beauty. Firefighters pulled the woman out of her car, put her on a stretcher and took her to the hospital.

And after they left, PP winked and kept on posing, because she'll keep on posing till the world ends. This is what that Nana Gouvêa mess longs to be.

A couple of days after the Oscars, there was a story going around that Charlize Theron stayed pretty much attached to Seth MacFarlane's ass at an Oscars after-party and I figured it's because he had the good shit and she was looking to fill her apple bong. But Bill Zwecker at the Chicago Sun-Times (via Lainey) says that Charlize and Seth got moist in the nipples for each other during rehearsals for the Oscars and the two hung out at all the parties after the Oscars. Apparently, Seth just broke up with the girl from Game of Thrones and now he's into Charlize. Severe randomness ahead....

According to folks close to Theron, the South African native thinks MacFarlane is funny, cute and charming. “Charlize finds Seth to be a great guy who not only makes her laugh but has so much on the ball,” said a longtime Hollywood insider who has worked with Theron for years.

Reportedly, the duo not only hung out all night after the Oscars but are planning to see each other again. “This is early, but I see a new relationship brewing,” added a second source who attended MacFarlane’s own post-awards bash Sunday.

This is just weird. Charlize's taste in dudes has always put a question mark in my head, but Seth MacFarlane?! I mean, I would, but that's because he looks like a mash-up of Peter Brady and Jamie from Small Wonder and I'm nostalgic like that. If Charlize is up on him, he must cum pot butter. Or maybe she likes it when he does his Brian Griffin voice when they're humping on each other. Sucio ass bitch.

Here's some riveting pictures of Charlize at the grocery store with her son yesterday.

Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old "creative differences" excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.

A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia's "performance choices" and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn't keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone's responses. Shia's email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he's the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:

“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. - Shia.”

A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, "Hit the brakes, Shia!"

UPDATE: Shia LaDouche's "a man" monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!

And here's Alec's response. It's best if you read this in Michael Caine's voice, because I'm pretty sure this is one of Alfred's speeches from Batman:

“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”

Shia responded with, "Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You'll be great."

And Tom Sturridge responded with:

“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”

I think what Tom really meant to write was, "Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you're smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I'm going to need your dealer's number."

And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:

“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“

Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren't all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you're a character in a superhero movie. "You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should've listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

And since we've gone this far, let's go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here's Shia's audition video:

Well, here's a shitty and awful story to ruin everybody's Valentine's Day. Oscar Pistorius became an instant Olympic hero and national treasure in South Africa this past summer when he made history by becoming the first double amputee sprinter to ever compete at the Olympics. And now Oscar Pistorius is sitting in a jail, because the police in South Africa think that he shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp at his house in Pretoria early this morning.

The New York Times says that the local media in Pretoria is reporting that this could've been a Valentine's Day surprise gone wrong in the worst way possible. The rumor (which probably came from the brain of Oscar's lawyer) is that Reeva planned to surprise him and snuck into his house right before 4 this morning. Oscar heard noises in his house and thought a burglar was inside, so he grabbed his gun, went downstairs and shot Reeva thinking she was an intruder. When the paramedics arrived, they found that Reeva had been shot in the chest, head and arms. She was pronounced dead on the scene.

A police spokesperson Brig. Denise Beukes waved that rumor away and knows that something in the milk ain't clean about that story. Denise Beukes told reporters that the police have been called to Oscar's  house before over complaints of a "domestic nature." Denise wouldn't say anything else.

26-year-old Oscar was charged with murder and an application for bail is probably going to be denied during a hearing tomorrow. Pretoria was recently named the home robbery capital of South Africa and most people own guns to protect themselves. Oscar said in a New York Times Magazine profile that he owns several guns and keeps them in a display case. The night before his interview with the New York Times Magazine, Oscar said the security alarm in his house went off and he immediately grabbed his gun and went downstairs. It turned out to be nothing.

Reeva was a 30-year-old model, reality star and law school graduate. She had been dating Oscar for only two months. Just yesterday, she was tweeting about Valentine's Day.

I watch way too much 48 Hours Mysteries and Dateline NBC to believe the whole burglar story. I don't know how your ass can shoot a burglar four times without realizing that the burglar is actually your girlfriend. I'm looking at that story with a Keith Morrison squint. And if you were planning on surprising your piece this VD, maybe it's best to just slide a card under their door instead.

Here's Oscar outside of the police station this morning.

And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you're always giving a bitch the finger.

Almost two weeks after Shakira's truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique's son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF's website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF's donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:

"We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us."

Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan's head and it looks like he can do it.

And damn at Gerard's finger. Dude isn't only hung in the crotch, he's hung in the fingers too.

via UsWeekly 

I didn't think this moment would ever come, but it has. I'm staring at a picture of Ke$hit and I'm not pinching my nose while holding my breath so that her dumpster water stank doesn't waft up into my body. It's truly amazing what a quarantine tent, a sandblasting, a RAID shower and a renovation from the Property Brothers can do. Ke$hit showed up to the American Music Awards and for once she didn't look like she just crawled out from under a heap of rotten fish at the landfill. Yes, Ke$hit would barely come in 9th place on RuPaul's Drag Race and her dress looks like a nana's shower curtain, but she looks clean-ish and she's the fanciest looking linebacker I've ever seen.

And did Ke$ha's crotch crabs crawl up to her ear? Even they dressed up and bedazzled themselves for the occasion. When Ke$ha and her crotch crabs look fancy, we know that EVERYTHING has changed.

While most celebrities only tweeted "thoughts and prayers" to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo's Phoebe Price School Of Posing With Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own "Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction" photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her.

You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eery emptiness of the city. The lights aren't only off in lower Manhattan, they're off in Nana's head too.

Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (aka deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week. Nana's photo shoot has since gone viral and someone started a priceless Tumblr devoted to her posing in the middle of other disasters.

And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her infinityhead against the wall, because she's mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I'm sure she'll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America's Next Top Model.

Speak of the devil. I just mentioned the Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman divorce at the end of the Courtney and Doug write-up, and then MK lands this little nugget in my inbox. So, nobody could possibly have guessed this, but the reason for their breakup is rumored to be a scorching case of wandering peen. That's a pretty common thread in breakups and I thought that might be it for a split second, but then I remembered it's Danny Devito and felt stupid. I mean who besides Rhea wants to get all up (or down really, unless you fail the "have to be this tall to ride" challenge) on that? Just look at his luscious little self up there with his strong broad shoulders, luxurious mane and the finest in footwear and tell me you wouldn't.

So in an exclusive, Radar.online lays out the whole sordid mess. Basically they say Danny's been an extra fucker since at least his Hoffa days, and he would promise to make these young dumb girls famous (spoiler: he didn't) if they would hop on his Wee Willie Winky (spoiler: they did). I don't know who is more disgusting, Danny for preying on these starry eyed hoes - who get extra points for doing the gold digging equivalent of the food challenge on Survivor - or the girls for pretending to be all into and humping on an old married gherkin for nothing. How completely embarrassing. And then there's poor Rhea over there, actually caring about this fool.

The anonymous source says that it was pretty obvious and common knowledge about what was going down (dramatic pause) on the Hoffa set and everyone felt sorry for Rhea, who was doubly humiliated because 1) her husband was openly cheating on her and 2) she was already famous when she started fucking on him so she had no excuse. Bummer.

This is happening, according to this real press release from Deadline:

Seth MacFarlane will host the 85th Academy Awards®, telecast producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron announced today. This will be MacFarlane’s first appearance on Oscar’s stage. The 85th Academy Awards will be broadcast live on Oscar® Sunday, February 24, on the ABC Television Network.

“We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh,” said Zadan and Meron. “He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him.”

“It’s truly an overwhelming privilege to be asked to host the Oscars,” said MacFarlane. “My thoughts upon hearing the news were, one, I will do my utmost to live up to the high standards set forth by my predecessors; and two, I hope they don’t find out I hosted the Charlie Sheen Roast.”

On one hand, Seth is always making the smuggest expressions (see pic above) and the only thing his face should host is a fist, so I can't imagine staring at that for 5 million hours straight. But on the other hand, I LOVE this, because this could be the train wreck mess that will unite all of us together. Remember when James Franco and Anne Hathaway's beyond awful performances made us all barf next to each other as one? Nothing brings us together like an Oscar shit show.

Every now and again I'll make jokes about how doing acting stuff is so easy a Hilton can do it, but I take it all back. Acting is the hardest job in the entire world and now I know that thanks to future Emmy winner Ryan Lochte.

Access Hollywood showed a clip of Ryan "acting" in an upcoming episode of 90210 and his performance is so riveting that rocks are jealous, because they wish they could be that stiff and emotionless. But the thing that really changed my mind about acting was the answer that dribbled out of Ryan's mouth when Access Hollywood's Laura Saltman (whose eyeballs keep drifting down to his nipples) asked him, "What was the hardest part for you about it?" Ryan's answer is the same answer Anthony Hopkins gave when he was asked the same question on Inside the Actors Studio:

"Memorizing lines and trying to, like, say 'em and still, like, do movement and all that. That was hard."

I didn't think it was possible to love Ryan Lochte more, but I do. I mean, Ryan said in so many words that walking and talking at the same time is hard.