The Mind Is Boggled

Time out. Mark-Paul Gosselaar needs to dress like this for the rest of his life! Katie Holmes needs to take notes, this is how you wear rolled jeans the right away. Under the lip.

Last night on Jimmy Fallon, Zack Morris returned to our lives! Zack appeared to promote some basic cable show he's on and to also confirm that he will be a part of The Saved By The Bell reunion Jimmy has been trying to put together. Kelly Kapowski and Screech are the only hos who have not yet agreed to the reunion. How has Kelly not RSVPed yet? She knows in her heart of hearts that she belongs with Zack. ~True love~

Below is Zack's entire appearance on the show. He even sings "Friends Forever." It's kind of not the same without the original members of Zack Attack, but it will do for now until we get the real thing. To be honest, this is kind of effing with my head. I'm so excited....I'm so excited...I'm so....scared.

Candy and Tori Spelling pretty much pull out their pubic hairs whenever they think of each other. That's no secret. But Candy has upped her cunt game by blaming Tori for Aaron Spelling's death.

While whoring out her book on 94.7 WMAS-FM in Massachusetts today, Candy oinked, "My daughter one day decided that she wasn't speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that's how it's continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that's what killed my husband, actually. He just didn't want to live after that. He had just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn't do anything for her."

Aaron died in 2006 at the age 83. Yeah, the fact that he was older than oatmeal had nothing to do with his death. Tori's absence obviously did him in.

After saying all that, Porky Pig's long-lost twin sister still doesn't understand why her daughter uses her picture as a dart board. Candy said, "I've always been trying to work on the relationship. I don’t know what the anger is."

Methinks Candy needs to pay a little visit to her surgeon so that he can loosen her face a bitch (typo and it stays) and let it breathe. The tightness is effing with the part of her brain that controls common sense.

VIA E! Online

I don't understand Nicole Kidman's new commercial for Schweppes.

I mean, Nicole is supposed to be some wax alien creature in India who befriends Rubina Ali from Slumdog Millionaire. The two run off to some gazebo by the water where they touch each other's faces. Rubina is probably transfixed with Nicole's frozen mug, because it feels just like an empty plastic yogurt container. After that ridiculousness, Nicole runs off to her room while unzipping her dress. She runs into Bollywood star Argun Rampal in the hallway and starts to give him a kiss, but instead she shuffles off. When she's inside her home, she grabs a bottle of Schweppes, drinks it, says "What did you expect?" and then giggles like a dumbass. Cut to Rubina inside of the room giggling with Nicole. WHA?! Touching a child's face by the water? Turning down a hot piece for soda? Unzipping your dress for absolutely no reason? This makes no sense.

But the biggest WTF moment is Nicole drinking Schweppes without vodka, gin or even rubbing alcohol. Ick. Nast. Who drinks that shit straight up?!

VIA Jezebel

Mating with a narcoleptic turtle has paid off for Kimora Lee! This bitch is getting $40,000 a month from Russell Simmons! Okay, it's really for child support, but you know that ho is going to skim a lot from the top for herself. Russell will never know, because she can store it in her neck!

People says that the divorce between the two was made final yesterday in Los Angeles. Russell agreed to pay $20,000 a month per kid until they turn 19. Drinks are on Ming and Aoki tonight!

Kimumu won legal and sole custody. Russell will get visits, but a nanny and security bitch must be present. Yeah, he'll visit just to drop off the check.

The fuckery doesn't stop there. Russell will also have to buy a car worth at least $60,000 every three years for his girls to sit in until they turn the tender age of 16.

We're all in the wrong fucking business. Baby making with Russell Simmons is a recession-proof industry! Yeah, you might wake up with night terrors from having to lick on his out-of-the-bottle Tequila worm, but for $40k a month, it would be worth it.

$39,800 would be spent on my bar tab and my personal Mother's Cookie factory in the basement. Kids don't need that much money! Just throw them a carrot stick and a couple of Legos. They'll be happy with that.

Hef's ex-concubine, Holly Madison, and the douchy guinea pig magician known as Criss Angel have ended their magical romance after 4 looooong months. Hey, in whore years, 4 months is like a lifetime!

29-year-old Holly (I just fell off mah chair!) and 41-year-old Criss were living in his Las Vegas house, but since they have broken up, she's moved all her pink Playboy shit into her parents' house.

A source told E! News, "It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn't devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals."

Riddle me this, bitch is no longer working at Playboy, she's not licking on Hef's Malt-O-Meal stick anymore, so what "career" is she talking about? Even Criss Angel couldn't pull her CAREER out of a fucking black top hat. The truth is that the bitch finally woke up from the trance he put her under and realized she was fucking Criss Angel. That's the real MINDFREAK.

Holly just needs to go take her happy ass into a corner, sit down and stop trying to make the "husband" thing happen for now. The ho can't pick them. Bitch has been to corpseland and doucheland, but she's never been to her!

This is why we need to keep freon away from our children. Inhaling massive amounts of freon produces fuckery like this. Actually, the word fuckery doesn't even begin to describe this mess.

20-year-old Eddie McCrazy of Estero, Florida is soooo obsessed in the brains about reality mega whore Megan (Rock of Love, Charm School, I Love Money, Trophy Wife) that he got a tattoo of her pancake face and retarded chihuahua (her words) on his arm. A few minutes after Eddie got this tattoo, his crotch started itching, his no-no started leaking smegma and he had a rash on his taint. Infected by The Megan!

You know, I figured this dude just got the tattoo so he could lick her tittays whenever he wanted, but after investigating his MySpace, I found out he dances on my team. This OctoMommy crazy.

But seriously, this doesn't make my idea of getting a "DJ Lady Tribe drank a buttery nipple shot out of my asshole" tattoo on my ass cheek seem so bad.

Source VIA ONTD

Dudes have the luxury of pissing wherever we want, basically. We just have to whip it out and we can go pee times on a tree, abandoned couch, kitten, elderly person, etc... etc... The options are endless. Chicks don't have many options when it comes to pissing on the go, but now they do, thanks to the Go Girl! For the low price of $4.99, the Go Girl allows you to stick a funnel on your cooch and let it flow wherever, whenever! This is not fakery. Here's the description direct from their website:

Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discrete. It’s hygienic.

GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh?

It also has a double use! If you're bored and feeling horny, you can turn it around and it instantly becomes a lady jizz slide! And when a bitch makes fun of you for pulling this fuckery out, you can use it to poke their eye out! A piss funnel has so many uses!

VIA Buzzfeed

What do Taylor Hanson, James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins, Adam Schlesinger of Fountain of Wayne and Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick have in common? Yeah, they all have dicks. Although, the verdict is still out on Taylor Hanson having one. But seriously, they have nothing in common! The Thompson Twins' "Nothing in Common" was written for these four! So why the fuck are they forming a super band named Tinted Windows?! They all must have lost the same bet.

The four announced that they have already finished up their debut album due out this Spring. They will play their first big show at South By Southwest in Austin, TX on March 20th. Mark your calendars, because that is the day the music will die.

But I'm keeping a jar of Arby's Horsey Sauce on hand just in case Tinted Windows becomes the greatest band since Mr. Mister and I'll have to eat my words.

Source

And the headline of the morning is: "Michael Jackson's brother plans slavery theme park." Yup, let's all shut down our systems, grab our good friend Jack Daniel's and go back to fucking bed. Seriously, it feels like I'm still asleep and reading this shit in my nightmares. I'm waiting for a winged Spaghetti Cat to sweep in and take me away from this madness. Where art though, Spaghetti Cat?!

So, yeah, Marlon Jackson (yeah, he exists), is involved in a project to build The Badagry Historical Resort in Badagry, Nigeria which is a historical slave port. Marlon and investors will build a museum and memorial. Okay, I was on board with that until I read that they are also planning a slave history theme park, golf course, casino, Jackson museum, holograms of The Jackson 5 and a replica of a slave ship. The description went on to say, "Visitors will be able to explore the site of the former transatlantic slave trade, honor the hundreds of thousands who died in what were horrific human rights abuses, and then head off for a round of golf or a massage, before gawping at animatronic versions of the siblings who sang ABC and I Want You Back."

Naturally, some bitches are raising fits and kicking kittens over this. One Nigerian historian said, "It is not appropriate from a cultural or historical point of view."

The developers say the slave park of laughs is being marketed to African-Americans who wish to trace back their roots.

Yeah, we all love rides and animatronic characters, but the Underground Runaway Railroad Ride and Uncle Tom's Log Adventure is not my idea of a fun time.

I feel like a crazy e-mail from an exiled Nigerian politician who needs help claiming his inheritance is behind this fuckery. Marlon must have fell for it.

Source

Okay, who guessed that Peaches Geldof's marriage would only last a long six months? I was out of the divorce pool after their 1-day anniversary. I figured it would be one of those 24-hour bugs. Well, if you guessed six months, then reward yourself by getting obliterated and marrying a stranger! Don't worry, you can divorce them in the morning. Getting hitched and then getting divorced a quick minute later is fun! It's the world's pastime.

So, yeah, 19-year-old Rotten Peaches and 24-year-old Max Drummey announced their marriage is done DONE done after only six months. The hipster twats with faces like popped pimples married last August in Las Vegas after only knowing each other a month.

They issued this ridiculous statement to the BBC. Actually, just roll your eyes a hundred times and pretend you read it. Okay, here it is anyway: "After much soul-searching we have made the mutual decision to end our marriage and have agreed to go our separate ways. Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely. There were no other people involved in this decision and we both look forward to a future as good friends."

Damn, their "soul searching" expedition probably lasted a hot second. They both realized they don't have any souls to search. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure they tried they hardest to make it work. He wrote her a touching ballad about how much he loved her gold American Apparel leggings or something like that. It still wasn't enough.