The Mind Is Boggled

You might want to push your dropped jaw off of your keyboard so you can write, "FUCK ME THRICE! I"M SHOCKED" about the news that Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block loves ze juicy cock in his mouth. I know, this bombshell shook me so hard that I think it turned me straight. But a quick glance at JcPenney's men's panty section will turn me gay again.

The news that everyone in the world and their glory hole partner knew about comes courtesy of one of Jonathan's ex-lovahs. Kyle Wilker sold his story and a couple of pictures to The National Enquirer (via Boy Culture). Kyle told the Enquirer, "We had a wonderful relationship. I was in love with him and I believe he was in love with me." Selling out an ex to the entire world is what true love is all about. I wonder why it didn't work? Must have been Jonathan's fault, because Kyle sounds like a perfect fucking peach. May cocks never get hard in his mouth again for pulling this shit!

Kyle said Jonathan realized he wanted dudes after dating Tiffany. Tiffany just didn't have the right stuff....in her pants (GONG!). Well, listening to "Could've Been" does make your a-hole twitter a bit and fart glitter. So that's understandable.

So...now that we've gotten that out of the way. Who's next? My strong dollars are on Bryan from Color Me Badd. Those eyebrows cannot tell a lie.

There's a vicious, vicious, vicious remake of Bonnie & Clyde currently in the works starring Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers. If Satan was a chipmunk-fucking movie producer, he would be behind this slaughter party. Shit like this makes me want campaign for a drug free America, because whoever came up with this brilliant idea was definitely shooting up some of the bad, bad shit.

Faye Dunaway is in my box, because the Chicago Sun-Times says that when she was told about it, she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?''

Hilary Duff's jumbo Chiclets were knocked out of her teeth after hearing those 8 beautiful words from Master Faye. That must have felt like a wire hanger up the ass. Hook first. The truth always destroys.

I woke up this morning craving an acid tab, but I don't need to go there anymore thanks to The Killers new video for "Spaceman!" This is the kind of shit I would've come up with when I was 7-years-old after playing with my Barbie, He-Man, She-Ra and My Little Pony dolls together in the backyard. I think they all make cameos in this video in some form or another. This is seriously like The Wiz meets Mad Max meets American Apparel and not in a sexy way.

You know, I would pull the lint out of Brandon Flower's belly button with my ass lips, but that "Venger from Dungeons & Dragons goes to a gay Mardi Gras party" has left me destroyed. But I do thank Brandon for keeping my round velcro mit from the 80s safe on his crotch.