Smoke A Bowl

Usher must not have been told that having an overgrown ego that cripples your sense of reason is not considered by the government as an official handicap, because he parked in a spot he wasn't supposed to and it triggered a one-woman shit storm of insanity.

TMZ says that minutes after Usher drove his SUV into one of the handicap spots of a parking lot in Atlanta, a bitch went full crazy on his ass by spraying him in the face with a beer as he sat in the driver's seat. Usher sprayed her back with water, which caused her to start kicking at his SUV. Usher then got out of the car and the mop-headed lunatic went after him while shouting "You don't belong here!" (Insert obligatory YOU MAD.jpg here.) Shit got so real that Fat Elvis had to eat himself up through the grave and take a bus to Atlanta to tame this bruhaha. Watch and weep:

Justin Bieber was born in Usher's uterus, so that asshole motherfucker deserves all the whoops he gets, but even I think that crazy in the long-form Dorothy Hamill wig should've dialed back the insanity a bit. We're only allotted a certain number of public nervous breakdowns before the courts drop a CODE 5150 on our heads and this was not worth it. Bitch went crazy like that gold digging Tameka when Usher suggested they should use a condom so she won't get knocked up with an ATM baby! The reasonable thing to do would've been to call a tow truck, slash his tires, fart on his door handle and then write "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER" on his windshield in red paint. That's how a reasonable person handles shit.

And can somebody let this lady know that Omar Sharif would like a picture with her. You can tell her not to mind the line, Omar likes cutters. While you're doing that, I'll start writing Omar's obit.

Omar Sharif is an Oscar-nominated actor, the star of Lawrence of Arabia and today he's known as a crusty old cunt who will bitch slap a trick if she gets out of line. Literally.

TMZ brings us this clip of 79-year-old Omar posing for pictures with his fans at a film festival in Qatar today when one lady scoots up and stands there. Just like your abuelita when you tried to get a piece of cake at a birthday party without asking, Pepaw Omar growled at the lady and then made her hair fly by slapping at her. That shit was like a chancelta slap without the chancelta. Since no slap down is complete without a serious talking to, Omar lectured the grown woman on the rules of waiting for a picture with a famous corroded asshole. The Washington Post translated that shit like this:

“My dear! I told you I’d get to you afterwards! I just said that and you’re standing here. Put something in your brain! ...........I’m sorry.”

More like put something in your checking account, bitch! Seriously, what gets me is that homegirl is standing there, awkwardly smiling. Is she in shock? Is she not sure what just happened? Does she not know how to react? You always have to be prepared for foolery like this.

When life slaps you with Omar Sharif's hand, you make slapanade out of that shit. You clutch your neck, you scream out in pain, you oh-so dramatically wither to the ground and you shout at your loved ones to call Gloria Allred first, the media second and an ambulance third. Then you scream out your checking account and routing number to Omar Sharif so he knows where to send his Funny Girl royalties from now on. You make it A SCENE and call it A CRIME until it starts to rain money on you. As my spirit animal Khia says, "#GETMONEYBITCH!"

Make no mistake about it. Terrence Howard looks like a dapper, debonair gentleman who only farts into the finest of silk scarves and mostly speaks in a smooth cashmere tone of a Barry White after-cognac burp, but if you mess with his marriage, he will SERENA WILLIAMS out and kill you through the froat! Case in point: Radar says that some moron with dirty ass for brains got a hold of what she thought was Terry Howard's cell phone number.

After getting some liquid courage in her veins, she tried to call Terry but her phone was dead. So she used her male friend's cell phone, called the number and professed her undying love for Bishop Baby Wipes in a voicemail message. But it turns out that the number she thought belonged to Terry actually belonged to his wife. So what is a Terry Howard to do when a strange lady voice verbally blows his ego on his wife's voicemail? Well, he threatens to a kill a trick, of course. Terry left this (click here to get it in your ears) love song on the dude's voicemail:

"Nigga, you been calling my wife... If you call my wife again I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to cut your fucking throat. Understand that. I'm gonna tell you this one time. You call my wife again, I'm going to kill you."

But after Terry went to his calm happy place by sniffing his wife's baby wipes fresh asshole, he called back a few days later to apologize for the misunderstanding:

"I'm so sorry for calling you and speaking that way. I thought you were somebody that's been harassing my wife. Please forgive me. My wife told me that she was receiving obscene text from you and that she was being harassed. Therefore I responded with the protective nature that a husband has for his wife. Forgive me for the anger, but as you are watching over your girlfriend, I too am devoted to my love."

If you're going to get your throat cut up, it might as well be by the hand of Terry Howard. Yes, you would die a slow painful, blood-curdling death and the last face you'd ever see would be the smug crazy face of the dude from Glitter, but at least your crime scene would be as sparkling clean as a newborn baby's fresh out of the womb ass! Terry cannot strut away from a body covered with orifice goo of any kind. Terry would whip out his baby wipes attache (seen above) and clean your body the same way he expects all of his females to clean their caca holes. Your dead body would be so damn clean that even Terry would sit next to it at dinner.

Your family members would walk in on your murdered body and scream "AAAAAAAH!," but then they'd take a whiff of the air and calmly say, "But damn it smells precious in here!" Thanks to Terry!

Nothing comes between a HONGRAY granny and her morning bacon, not even 9 year old little kids!! The Smoking Gun reports that Marilee Ann Kolynych caught a case of the NOT THE ONE when her 9 year old grandson "ate too much bacon at breakfast" and had to open up an Ensure sponsored can of WHOOP ASS!!

According to the Clifton Heights Police Department, Kolynych chased the boy out in to the yard, tackled his ass to the ground and sat on him while spraying a water hose in his face. Bitch don't play. The boy finally broke loose of memaw's claws of death, ran across the street to a neighbor's house and called his mother.... WHO WAS IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT OF THE MEMAW'S HOUSE!!! Granny is free on bail awaiting a July 7th hearing.

You know, when I was kid my memaw would make me go "fetch a switch" from a tree so she could beat my ass with it. Deciding whether to get a thin branch or a thick branch was the torture. A thick branch is a total BEAT. DOWN. and a thin branch sliced through your ass like buttah... I think I would have rather had the hose!!!!

The gorgeous, sensitive and sensible Charlize Theron (NO sarcasm this time, don't pass out), the girl I would totally go ghey for, the object of my adoration and my avatar has said before that she would never get married until gays can. Me: CHARLIZE I AM SO ON BOARD, WAIT FOR ME BABY!!! Anyway, in September 2009, she said "I do have a problem with the fact that our government has not stepped up enough to make [marriage equality] federal...I really understand marriage and I respect marriage. I just feel that we should all have equal rights."

I have to say that in my experience, I think marriage is a huge stinking steaming pile of bullshit (jaded much?) but like Charlize, I totally support other people to make the biggest mistake of their lives no matter what their sexual orientation is. No, really, marriage CAN be a beautiful thing. I've seen it work and we all want to grow old with someone who loves us enough to smear Ben Gay where our bathing suit covers.

In a recent interview on CNN, which you can watch here on Towleroad, she reiterates her stance, adding that marriage is not important for her (SUHWOOOON AGAIN) but that she understands its importance to other people. She ends the interview by saying "We should all have equal rights. Love is such a divine thing, it's a gift, and who are we to say?"

It's a sensitive subject, but I'm with Charlize (I fucking wish). I mean, if two adults love each other enough to make that leap, and only fuck on each other till they die, and put up with each other's morning breaf and shitty moods for the rest of their lives, I think they should be able to. Marry me Charlize!! *licks monitor*

Note: Stolen from MK's Afternoon Crumbs. I swore off the comments section this week and couldn't just let this shit lie.

General Kate and her army of sad midgets keep a tight ship!! RadarOnline has a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Kate Plus 8" that captures the Sweat Shop Mother of the Year, 2011 in action.

In the video, Mommy dearest and her pack of soon-to-be-runaways are baking "special treats" for the patients of a local dialysis center where Kate used to work (cut to Annie Wilkes shaking her head). Stay sharp, Kate Plus Hate is in the neighborhood spreading sunshine (her words HA!)!!!

She's quoted as saying "the only excuse for messes is carelessness"... I'm thinking Jon Gosselin is being a little more careful nowadays! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if, after the cameras quit rolling, she marched those little fuckers out single file to the camera crew's trailer and had them clean up their shit!!! Kate don't play!

She also blurted out a line that I've heard a time or two in my life, however, it was usualy being mumble out of some drunk chick's mouth around 3am... "If it turns into a mess, you are instantly done, I'm not in to that!!!!"

After the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup (This is hockey we're talking about. You know, it's that sport that's based on that Mighty Ducks movie.) to the Boston Bruins, some of the crazed fans freaked out like a Juggalo when the Faygo runs out. They flipped cars like Khloe Kardashian when her last M&M rolls under her Benz! They flamed the streets like me whenever an Atomic Kitten song comes up on my iPod. They even ransacked a damn Sears. Of course this is coming from crazy bitches who have socialized healthcare. If they cut themselves while punching through a glass window to snatch a pair of sensible Canyon River jeans, they can go to the nearest hospital and get that shit stitched up without pulling out their wallet. Me, I'd be like, "Err. I'll wait until they go on sale."

Doesn't weed practically grow on trees in Vancouver? Why did fans burn down cars when they really should've burned a weed tree, inhaled hard and calmed themselves! IT'S JUST HOCKEY (cut to a Molotov cocktail shooting towards my head from Vancouver)!!!! It's not like Ke$ha announced that she's adding 2 more Vancouver dates. Just give yourself a Calgon enema, gargle with Valiums and tell yourself that there's always next year. Unless the Mighty Ducks make it to the finals and then, well, may God be with the Vancouver Sears.

Seriously, make love in the middle of the streets, not war. At least some bitches know what I'm talking about.

When most nail salons see Foxy Brown heading their way, they immediately issue a CODE FOXY which includes the following steps: turn off the lights, hit the "in case of Foxy" button that closes the iron security gate over the storefront, throw a "Moved. Died. Etc. Not Coming Back." sign and hide in the back hoping that she doesn't sniff out the glue scent and break the bars with her teeth. Because everybody knows that there's something in nail glue that awakens the acrylic cunt monster inside of Foxy. Even boxes of Lee-Press On nails fall to the floor and slide towards safety when Foxy comes walking by. And Foxy's hunger for a filling got her into trouble again. Foxy has officially replaced "chronic burper" as a manicurist's worst nightmare.

This time Foxy got kicked the hell off of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after an on-board nail salon couldn't fit her into their booked schedule. Foxy, who performed on the ship the night before, did make an appointment, but she showed up three hours late. TMZ reports that when the salon let her know that she wouldn't be dipping her demon claws into their water bowls anytime soon, she flew into one of her signature cunt rages and security was immediately called. Security escorted Foxy out of the salon and put her under cabin arrest for the next 2 days while they were at sea. When the ship got to the Cayman Islands, they kicked her the hell out before saying, "By the way, your nails look ratchet, bitch!" (They didn't say that, but they should've). The authorities drove Foxy to the airport where she caught a flight back to Cuntville.

Foxy was busted in 2007 for whoopin' the ass of a beauty shop employee, and she also found herself in handcuffs in 2004 for beating two manicurists.

I would say that Royal Caribbean should've made the bitch walk the plank, but then they would've been fined for endangering innocent sea life.

Does Foxy still think the year is 1997 and she's got a #145 song on the charts?! If this bitch keeps biting at the hand that files, the only thing she'll be booked for is the opening of a strip mall in Port Chester! I take that back. Most strip malls have nail salons.

"Esperanza Spalding" became the most hated words in a Belieber's vocabulary next to "potty training time" when she drop kicked Justin Bieber's high chair by beating him in the Best New Artist category at the Grammys last night. While most us were Googling Esperanza Spalding to find out who the fuck she is, the Beliebers (who were already suffering through a severe kind of hyperness from staying up past their bedtimes) vandalized her Wikipedia page with their sprays of Gerber graffiti. Gawker got a screen shot of some of their work and also pointed us to the edit page where you can see all the shots fired by the Beliebers.

They changed Esperanza's middle name to "Quesadilla" (which is a delicious middle name) and called her a "fucking reatard" who needs to "go die in a hole." And they did all of this on a school night! Cut to thousands of Beliebers with a rage hangover this morning. How are they going to scribble out an "I HATE YOU DIE DIE" tiny Valentine to Esperanza on the broken heart from the Operation game when they can't lift their heads off their desks?

Esperanza looks like a hybrid of Santana from Glee and Janelle Monae, so you'd think the Beliebers would raise their rattles for her. They really need to coat their teething rings with weed butter, because it's not that serious. There's no need to ruin your parents' Valentine's Day by crying out for Justin Bieber on the baby monitor. Justin will soon win a Nobel Peace Prize for discovering the cure for dandruff in the tips of the dream strings on his head, so a Grammy really ain't shit.

Here's more of international hero Esperanza Spalding and Justin Bieber (with Uncle Usher, Jaden Smith and his parents) at the Grammys last night.

Note to musicians who are offered the chance to get their song(s) on Glee: If you check the "will not attend" box on the invitation, you will get a swift "FUCK YOU" to the eyes from the show's head bitch in charge Ryan Murphy. Just ask Kings of Leon. This past summer, the producers of Glee asked to use one of the band's songs for an episode. Kings of Leon said "no" and now Ryan Murphy is gnawing at their throats IN THE NAME OF THE CHILDREN!!! In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Ryan says that throughout Glee's run, he has learned that some parents and kids look to the show as "something inspirational and aspirational." Ryan wishes KOL would get the pigeon shit out of their mouths and realize this.

"Fuck you, Kings of Leon. They’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a 7-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument. It’s like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music.”

And about Slash's "Glee is worse than Grease" comment, Ryan says:

“Usually I find that people who make those comments, their careers are over; they’re uneducated and quite stupid.”

KOL responded to Ryan Murphy's "fuck you" by saying they aren't sure why he's bringing all the hate and their shut down was not meant as a slap in the dick to Glee or arts education.

Ryan has a valid points. I know that when I was a kid, watching Kids Inc. inspired me to want to sing a random Expose song in the middle of an empty playground and join a music group that performs every afternoon at a day dance club for kids (?).

Ryan is also teaching the youngs of America a very important lesson. I hope that every 7-year-old reads this interview with the creator of their favorite show so that they learn if they don't get their way, tell the bitch to FUCK OFF! Why waste energy on pounding your limbs on the floor in a tantrum when you can just curse a ho out. I didn't learn this valuable lesson until I was at least 8, so I wish Ryan was around back then to teach me this.